A Life That Didn’t Fit
January 1, 2006
I knew I was a lesbian before I got married but I was convinced that if I was “obedient” and married a man, God would take away my desire for women. I met a very nice guy and became engaged. I attempted to tell him about my previous relationships with women, but he didn’t really want to talk about that area of my life. He just knew our marriage was what God wanted for us.
After we were married and moved to a new state, my plan was to avoid close friendships with women. I knew from past patterns that if I was to develop a close friendship, I would end up falling in love and losing the friend, plus the internal struggle would be too great. I was pregnant with my first child, and wanted to focus on my family. On my first week at our new church, I saw a woman across the way who made my heart jump. I knew that I’d need to be very careful. I found out that she was a bible study leader and church secretary, and I knew then I would be safe. Surely she wouldn’t be someone I’d fall in love with! Well, I did.
I attended her bible study week after week, and I saw first-hand the depth of her love for Jesus. I was drawn to that relationship and wanted to know more about it for my own life. I asked her to disciple me. We began to spend time together weekly, and as my pregnancy grew, so did my faith, but also my love for her. I came out to her, and she reassured me of God’s love.
After my son was born, we spent more time together, and she helped me in those first months of exhaustion. The intensity grew for both of us, and we eventually became involved with each other physically. We rode on a painful roller coaster of guilt and shame, along with the ecstasy of new love. This continued for several years, with periods of resolve to just be friends, and then times of saying that the connection was worth the pain. It was a terribly confusing time. I had another child. I needed to be committed to the man to whom I had promised my life. My kids needed a stable home and parents who were together, even if we didn’t love each other. Her children needed her. We were trapped.
In the middle of this, I was at my pastor’s house. He had a book on his coffee table by Mel White called “Stranger at the Gate.” It was about his journey from being an evangelical minister to coming out as a gay Christian. I was fascinated, and asked if I could borrow it, being very careful, or so I thought, not to tip my hand.
I devoured the book, seeing myself on many of the pages, feeling his pain as my own, wishing I could someday feel the freedom that he finally felt. My husband saw the book and asked if he could read it too. I wondered about what his reaction would be, and feared the worst. When he finished, I asked him what he thought. He said, “I wish I could meet someone like him.” I stuck my hand out to him and said, “It’s nice to meet you.” He moved to the basement bedroom that night. I listened to his sobbing as he grasped what I had said and what it might mean for him and for the kids. He was devastated, and I was too. I realized how terrible it was that I’d broken his heart, his hopes, his dreams.
We spent the next three years on a roller coaster of our own. He wanted to repair the marriage, and committed to standing by me as I worked through my brokenness. I thought that’s what I should be doing, and we entered couples counseling with a man from our church. Through the counseling, I began to realize more and more who I really was, and we began to communicate more honestly with one another. In March of 1997, we sat down to have our most life changing conversation. He wanted me to set all of this sexual orientation stuff aside and go back to being his wife. I realized right then that I would never be able to do that. I said no, and I said that maybe we should separate. Within a week, he was out of the house. My kids were five and seven at the time.
It’s now seven years later and I am sharing my life with that wonderful bible study leader and church secretary. We had a commitment ceremony almost three years ago, and bought a home together. My children live with a mom who is completely honest with them, and we’ve worked through the pain of divorce. They are strong, and their faith in God is strong. My ex-husband has married a woman who adores him and loves my kids. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s above and beyond all that I could have asked or imagined in those years of pain. I used to look at women who were in relationships with other women and long to feel that kind of freedom. God has given me that freedom, and I’m amazed and grateful for all the blessings that are a part of my life. God didn’t reject me. It’s been the complete opposite. God has been a part of every step of this journey, and continues to bless our home and our relationship with great abundance.
This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 2004.
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Posted in Personal Stories
March 26th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I don’t know if this will be read. But I am hoping it will. I have a story similar to others on this site. Right now my faith has come to a crisis point. I am set to be ordained this fall in a denomination which views homosexual acts as sin. We are a love the sinner kind of church. I have not been able to reconcile my faith and feelings yet, but God and I are on a journey together. I don’t know if it’s possible. It seems like it is, from the stories of others. But…for me? I have been called to ministry. I love my denomination - it is like my home. But their biblical interpretation would not allow me to live as a homosexual and be in ministry. At this point I am still pursuing ordination. I look at Cecilia, the closeted pastor’s blog, and wonder if it’s worth it. If I can reconcile it and live out my feelings…I could never do it as an “out” lesbian. It would have to be in the closet if I am to be in ministry. Sure, I could change denominations, but this is where my heart is…my heart is for these people. Maybe I should choose to not go into ministry at all. I don’t want to fight the battles that come with being out. I don’t have a desire to be “in the lifestyle.” All I know is that I love God. And I am attracted to women. What do I do with that?
April 4th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
This is to Jessica:
Hi Jess,
I cant directly relate to your struggle, simply because I have come to grips with my sexuality and my faith and I know that God is and abides within me. I had the back and forth struggle of is this right or wrong too. But because of my personal conversations with God, I know that Im ok and Hes ok with me! However, my partner, like you, has been called to ministry, she is a psalmist,playwriter, and minister, and she is now going through the same struggle that you are. Like you she says that she cant dismiss the fact that she is attracted to women and has always been; however like the story of a life that didnt fit, she married a man and for 17 years has been miserable!!! Until she met me she thought these feelings or attractions to women, were just illusions, but now that we have fallen very much in love, shes warring with what to do with all of this and her calling!!! My advice to you Jessica as I gave to my boo, take the time to wrestle with God!! Dont stop til you get YOUR answer!!! NOT mine or anyone elses’!!! YOURS!!!!
I love my boo with all of my heart and I ,….I believe that we are meant to be together, but in order for us to be together she has be together in her own spirit, mind, soul and being as to whether this life is right for HER!!! If not,…. there can be no US!!! My point is Jess, get your own confirmation, seek and ye SHALL find, if you knock He will answer….
My love and I have decided to put ‘us’ on hold for a time until she gets her answer and Im ok with that, one, because I need her to KNOW, and two because I love her and shes definitely worth the wait…. but if she doesnt come back to me, I will still have me and my confidence in who I am and that God loves me just the way He created me!!!
April 5th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I love these posts, not only because they are so well said, but because I can relate on all accounts. I’ve lived my life in ministry with the struggle of my feelings for women but was convinced it was because something was wrong with me. (damaged goods) I went through the whole ex-gay stuff and was even sure I ‘was’ healed. sigh… Life has unexpected turns. I finally came to the place, the last time my feelings surfaced, that I didn’t think God intended for me to hate myself. Just that one thought opened a door for me to take a longer look at what God might have intended. I still am in the mist of putting this all together and sure see that ministry venue is a whole other kettle of fish, but I have a certainty that I can’t hide anymore. How ever it turns out is okay with me. The one requirement I have in life now is that I am whole, so I refuse to live a fragmented life.
I don’t have too much else to say about this at this time, because it is in many ways still all jumbled up inside of me but decades of repression is not an easy knot to untwine.
Thanks for being so open.
April 5th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
A response to Jessica:
I closely relate to all that you have said in your post. I too am on the path to ordination and have been in a denomination where I would not be accepted as a homosexual. Not only as a pastor, but even as a member of the congregation. We too have a love the sinner type of theology, that is “love the sinner as long as they are moving away from their sin”. My journey through seminary has been long and bumpy. I was married (to a man) when I answered the Lord’s call to ministry and began taking seminary classes. I was in a charismatic evangelical, extremely fundamentalist seminary, and my church was very similar.
I was in deep, DEEP denial about my sexuality. I hadn’t even come out to myself yet. So, that was not an issue for me in my church or my seminary. There was a nagging issue that was holding me back, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I kept thinking that I had to “fix” whatever was wrong with my marriage before I could effectively serve the Lord as He had called me to do. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to heal my marriage, for Him to give me a desire for my husband, and for Him to teach me how to love my husband. This went on for years.
Last spring, while serving in a new ministry in our church, I got to know the most incredible woman I have ever met. It wasn’t long before I was head over heals in love with her. I finally figured out why I couldn’t make my marriage work out. Hello! Even with this new revelation in my life, neither of us could reconcile our feelings for one another with our faith, and our genuine desire to serve the Lord with everything that we had. We fought it, then gave in to it, then struggled with the guilt, repented and threw ourselves into the Lord’s work. I can’t tell you how many times we went through that vicious cycle, but I can tell you it was a living hell.
I spent a great deal of time seeking the Lord about His plans for my life and His will for my family. It took me setting aside everything I had learned and opening myself up to Biblical views that I had never had occasion to check out before. I won’t bore you with the details, but the Lord released me from that marriage and showed me that I can and must be who I am, who He created me to be, in my service to Him. Otherwise it is not real, and is in vain.
Someone else who commented on your post said that you have to wrestle it out for yourself and that is so true. The love of my life, my wonderful partner, is still on that journey, wrestling and waiting on the Lord to give her her own answer. I know that it will happen for her in His time, and that every bit of her struggle has a purpose. In reading many of these posts, it’s easy to see what a great purpose there is in it. I, on the other hand, am 110% ok with it and ready to move forward. Part of the difference in where we are may come from the fact that I am just coming out for the first time, while she is coming out after going through ex-gay ministries and believing that she was “recovering” from her same-sex attractions.
I’ve taken the last year off from my seminary, while sorting out my life. I would be graduating in about a month and seeking that ordination with the denomination that does not fit my life. Thank God he has placed me on a different course now. I will begin classes at an open and affirming seminary this fall. My family, meaning myself and my partner with our 2 kids will be living on campus among a wonderful mix of gay and straight families. While I will be retaking many courses that I’ve already completed, I am ready to see the Lord through a different set of eyes. To experience His word in a new way, not the literal (when it fits), self-righteous way that I was taught. So many things about my life and my calling are coming together now. Details that never made sense to me before and pieces that never seemed to fit are all falling into place. I am very excited about what the Lord is going to do with my life; and a year ago if you had told me I would be where I am right now I would have said you were crazy.
One thing that I want to express to you, that the Lord has shown me over and over is this: I can not live a segmented life and serve Him the way that He desires. Jesus gave all of Himself for me, and I was called to do the same when He called me to His service. Attempting to serve Him with anything less than my whole self will result in less than His best for my life and my ministry. I am determined to serve Him with all that I have and all that I am, all that He has made me. There is an incredible freedom in realizing that He has made me exactly who I am to fit the exact purpose that He has for my life. I am very excited to follow His leading and find out where it leads me and my family.
I pray that you will find this same peace on your journey, and that you will open yourself up to His leading you where He would have you to serve. Your denomination will always hold a special place in your heart, but the Lord may very well have something altogether different lined up for you. I encourage you to step outside of the denominational box and allow Him to speak to you One on one, without anyone’s doctrine weighing in.
Joy and peace to you on your journey!
Michelle
April 5th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Ok, one more thing for Jessica.
You say you have no desire to be “in the lifestyle”. Neither do we. Our lifestyle is that of a Christian, people loving, God and people serving, homeschooling…family. The fact that we are two women who love each other and are committed to spending our lives together in no way forces us to live in a prescribed “lifestyle”, certainly not the stereotypical one of uncomitted sex and barhopping. I believe that our lifestyle is what we make of it, and even those who want to categorize us that way can’t deny the truth that shines through in our daily lives. I think the old song goes “they’ll know that we are Christians by our love”.
April 5th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Jessica –> I can add little to what the others here have already offered and I hope you’ve come back to see that others responded to you. As my story tells on the site, I was in ministry within an evangelical Christian denomination that had no room for GLBTQ people in membership let alone in ministry. When I realized I was gay my initial intention was to stay in the closet so that I could retain my ministry and continue in the denomination that had been my church home from childhood. In time though I realized I could never live closeted especially as I began to realize that my being gay was a total gift from God that couldn’t be denied in my life. I went back to seminary, was ordained in the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) although I now serve on a volunteer ministry team at Peace Lutheran Church, which is a Reconciled in Christ congregation. Yes, I’m out and lesbian and while my ministry here is obviously directed toward queer folk, in church life I just focus on being Christian clergy to everyone. Do they know I’m gay? Yes. Just as they know the pastor of the church is straight and male. It’s just a fact but nothing more, yet by virtue of the congregation being open to receive me as clergy it brings the face and issues of GLBTQ people into the congregation on a regular basis. It’s in part why the church has taken this ministry on as an outreach ministry.
If ministry is your calling, whether you’re in the closet or out, there will be a place for you, people to love, and a word to bring. And as Michelle already addressed, I’m gay but if I were to define my “lifestyle” it would be that of a Christian and even there, the range of what a Christian lifestyle is expansive and diverse.