A Love Story Along A Surprising Path

April 4, 2009

This personal story was generously contributed to SisterFriends Together by another one of our SisterFriends.

Every love story is unique and special.  They each have their own special magic and chemistry.  This love story, although it didn’t travel an easy road, is very special to me.  It is my love story.

Living in a small southern town during your high school years can be wonderful.  It can also be the hardest thing a person will ever do.  Small town life is great and I still long to raise my children in a small town, but I want them to know that not everything that happens there is a reflection of the bigger world around us.

When I was 15 years old, I was pretty much like every other girl around me.  I went to school Monday through Friday. I participated in band and school clubs. I was in church every time the doors were opened – Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night.  I had been raised in church and believed that Jesus died just for me – to forgive my sins and save me from paying for them with my life. I had only dated two boys seriously up until this point, both of whom were decent guys from Christian homes.  Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.  I met Ann.  We were introduced through mutual friends and our friendship just clicked.  We had lots of things in common and always had fun when we were together. We were two typical 15 year old girls.  There was a lot of giggling, late nights, inside jokes and fun. She grew to become my best friend.  Someone I could tell anything to and I knew she’d understand.  She could tell me things and talk freely to me about difficult things from her past.  She touched my heart in a way no one else ever had.  I wanted to always have her in my life.

One night after having stayed up all night talking at a sleepover, something I never saw coming happened – we kissed. Tentatively at first but then when our feelings for each other overwhelmed us we kissed with more passion. Passion I didn’t know was possible; passion I didn’t know I had. We were a bit shocked with what happened, but not scared. It just felt right. It was as if she was the missing half of my heart; the one person who truly understood who I was – and loved me anyway.

Let me remind you one more time that we were still living in a very small southern town in the 90’s. Our feelings for each other and our relationship was completely unacceptable.  It would never be something we could share with anyone.  We’d be practically run out of town if anyone found out.  So we kept it to ourselves.  I was in love with a girl and a girl was in love with me.  It wasn’t something I had ever thought about but it was something I never wanted to let go of.  Unfortunately, as our road would have it, we hit a very rocky stretch.  My parents found some letters Ann had written to me and that I had written to her.  They saw the feelings expressed there and it scared them to death.  They had raised a “perfect” daughter, one who never broke or challenged the rules.  This was not something that they could tolerate or understand.  They removed my phone line from my room and would not allow me to talk to Ann at all.  My father went to the principal of our school and pressured him to keep us apart at all costs.  The school was, in turn, very harsh on Ann and made the remainder of her high school career difficult.  They did everything they could do to keep us apart.  It worked.  We were only 15 and didn’t have the freedom or the resources to challenge their rules.  They pulled us apart and broke our hearts.  I had nowhere to turn and no-one with whom I could be honest and talk about my feelings.  I shut down emotionally.  Ann and I were ripped apart and there was nothing either of us could do about it.

I continued on the path my parents laid out for me.  I graduated high school and attended college on a full academic scholarship.  I started dating a local boy and found myself engaged and married simply because it was what I was supposed to do.  I got pregnant and gave birth to my daughter two months before my 21st birthday.  There was never a day I didn’t think of Ann and wonder if she was thinking about me.  I found myself in a terrible marriage, full of abuse and deceit.  I eventually found the strength to leave him and began my journey as a single mom.  My daughter helped me come through a lot of hard times and I am grateful to God for giving me the privilege of being her mother.  I decided to leave the small town and give my daughter a chance to grow up somewhere the community wouldn’t judge her for her choices.

My life as a single parent was a good one, although lonely at times, without that partner, soul-mate or spouse to share life with. I rarely dated and spent my time focusing on work and my daughter, but I have to admit that late at night, my mind would wander back to Ann, my first true love, and I would wonder where she was and how her life was now.  One day as I was updating my page on a social networking site, I decided to search her name.  I honestly thought I was crazy for even looking but I couldn’t help myself.  I clicked on a link and found myself face to face with her picture.  I knew it was her.  My heart started racing and I froze. I had found her.  Now what?  I didn’t know what to do, so I signed off.  It was several weeks before I found the courage to click on her page again.  This time I sent a message.  I paced through the evening and wondered if I would hear back from her.  I questioned my sanity.  What was I doing?  It had been nearly 17 years since we had spoken. Could she possibly still have feelings for me?  Could I be honest with my family and my daughter and tell them that I was in love with another woman?  When I checked my e-mail the next morning, all of my doubts and uncertainty flew out the window.  She had written back!!  My heart was elated. We began e-mailing several times a day.  It turns out that she had come out to her family and friends some time ago and was finally comfortable living in her own skin, as God had created her to be, a lesbian.  At that point even the word lesbian scared me. I knew to me it meant the loss of family and friends who wouldn’t accept me.  I didn’t know what to do but I knew that God had brought Ann back into my life and I wasn’t going to let her go this time.  We had both been through bad relationships and it seemed had just been looking for the right person. We met in person two months later and it was actually as if time had stood still.  I loved her just as much now as I did when I was 15 years old and I was just as scared.

At first I told no one about our relationship but I was so happy I wanted to share that happiness.  Slowly, I told my first friend. He is a young man who actually came out himself in high school. I knew he would accept me and our relationship but that he would just be shocked I was telling him now.  I told one friend at a time and never got the bad response that I expected. Everyone was accepting and told me time and again that they just wanted me to be happy.  I still had one major person to tell.  One whose life this would impact greatly – my daughter.  I told her on a Saturday morning when she had crawled into bed with me just like she did when she was small.  When I first told her, she cried.  Her tears, I believe, had to do with the death of a dream she had to have a “father.” She met Ann in person about a week later and they hit it off.  They are like two peas in a pod.  My daughter calls Ann “Maddie” because she is not the mom, and not quite the daddy!  If I didn’t know better, I would swear that my daughter genetically belongs to Ann, they are so much alike.  However, as I stand back and look at my life now, I know that God created my daughter’s personality to compliment that of my soul mate’s, knowing that His ultimate plan was for us to be a family.

As fate would have it we are back living in another small southern town.  However this time we have the support of family and friends.  We have found a church body who accepts us as we are.  On Christmas day of last year, Ann asked me to spend the rest of my life with her and we are planning our wedding for this coming December, 2009. I never thought when I fell in love for the first time when I was 15 years old, all of the ups and downs that my life would take, but God did.  He has had this path laid out for us from the beginning of time. We only have to trust Him, step out in faith, being who we are, and accept all the good things He has for us.  Last month, during a routine doctor’s visit, a mass was discovered on Ann’s ovary and we are currently facing an appointment with an oncologist and major surgery.  This is just one more hurdle to overcome in our love story, one I know that we will do with God’s help.  He has given our love a second chance and I’m not letting go!

Posted in Personal Stories