A Place Where I Belong

January 1, 2006

I have always felt alone and ‘different.’ I just didn’t realize what the difference was until I was old enough to recognize that it was possible that I was a lesbian. My first experience with telling someone in my circle of friends about having lesbian thoughts, was to be convinced to attend some ex-gay meetings sponsored by Exodus International. I went to the meetings convinced fully that there was no way that I, a seminary student, could be a lesbian. I was too spiritual, too educated, and too appropriate to be a lesbian. There would be no convincing me that it was okay to be a lesbian in God’s eyes. Sure, I could be a lesbian, but that meant that I would be a sinner for life, because everyone knows that being a homosexual is the ultimate and unforgiveable sin.

I lived with those thoughts and feelings for my first two and a half years of seminary while secretly going onto the Internet and going into ‘worldly’ chat rooms. I felt out of place in them, but I didn’t know that there were other Christian women out there, so I never looked. I endured the sex-filled, immoral chats, because I felt like I at least fit in a ‘little’ bit, and I was fulfilling my ’sinful’ part of being a lesbian.

Then one day I thought about the craziness of what I was doing, and did a search for other Christians who had similar feelings. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would find a group of women who were Christians and lesbian, but I found them! I finally found somewhere that I fit in. I started attending the chat sessions at christianlesbians.com and I found peace. There were God-fearing women, who prayed, cried, encouraged, and sang with each other. It was my little heaven on earth; I finally found contentment.

Now don’t misunderstand me, life as a Christian lesbian is not a bed of roses. There are trials and struggles that sometimes seem unbearable. The difference now is that I am not living in constant fear that God will strike me down. I can go and gain spiritual encouragement from other women, and I can learn from those who have walked the same road ahead of me. Life is not so different and lonely anymore, because I have found a place where I belong.

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 2004.

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Posted in Personal Stories