A Simple and Grateful Story

January 1, 2006

My story goes like this…

I was born in a small log cabin…okay, that’s not how it really started! The truth is I lived a semi-normal, typical dysfunctional Midwestern type childhood and adolescence. Small town mentality is a dangerous thing, especially to someone who knew instinctively that she didn’t fit or want to fit into being a supportive mother role. In college, I knew I had very intense feelings for my girl friends, but I didn’t know at that time that the feelings were just a taste of things to come.

Fast forward a decade and a half. I spent the years 1984-1999 as a celibate person. I just never found a man whom I could confide in, trust, or let my guard down with. Was there something wrong with me? The men I worked with I found to be from a different planet and I couldn’t relate to them, even though I really tried. I had been dating off and on for a while, and after a while, I just gave up. I was so lonely and was also wondering what God had intended for me. Was I going to be alone my whole life? Would there be anyone who could love me?

By February 2000, I was at a breaking point. All I had was work. I ate, lived, and breathed work, but at a work-related convention instead of meeting the big wigs of choral society, I was holed up in my room with a very severe depression. I was contemplating doing something to harm myself. I prayed so long and so often about this, but the point of the matter was that I finally figured out and accepted was that I loved women. I was and am a lesbian.

I needed to tell someone, so I called my mother. She drove up to talk to me and much to her credit, accepted me wholeheartedly. It helped that I have a gay brother who helped pave the way for me. With my newfound acceptance for my feelings, I could no longer tolerate the small-minded, small town career I had, and so I headed to California to further my singing career and hopefully find a person to love. I dated a woman that summer, for the first time in my life, and it was quite natural for me to be dating a woman. Ultimately, things didn’t work out and I left for California and found a new job, and was accepted into one of the best choirs in the United States.

Things were going well, and I soon began dating again. I was quite optimistic and thought the woman I was dating was going to be the one. Now the realist in me looks back at that experience and realizes that being dumped by her was the best thing that ever happened to me. You see, I had befriended quite a few women from the christianlesbians.com e-mail list. I became quite close to one member in particular and soon we began a relationship. She will be my partner in life. Our love continues to grow, day by day, month by month, and will grow year by year. God has indeed blessed me with this incredible group and with this incredible woman.

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 2004.

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