A Talking Donkey and God’s Grace

March 28, 2009

This personal story that opens our week-long series leading up to Holy Week was contributed by Kathy.

My story is not all that exceptional.  I came out at the age of 43. I suppose that seems late in life to some people but it was just the right time for me.  As I look back I can see how God prepared me for this life-changing moment. Thanks to His grace and love, I hold my head high and glory in the fact that I am who I was meant to be.

I suppose I could give you the stats on my life.  I was born blah, blah, blah; I live in yada, yada, yada, but that stuff is boring.  Suffice it to say, I am an ordinary woman living an ordinary life who just happens to be a lesbian.

I was born and raised in the South, a place where a girl grows up, gets married and has babies, which I did. I met and married a man and had two wonderful children. The marriage wasn’t a good one but we did what we could to raise our children right and live the “Great American Life.” We worked hard, went to church, and had Sunday dinner with our Mammas and Daddies. That is what you do in the South.

But as I said, the marriage was not a good one and I think we both knew that from the start. So why get married in the first place, you may ask? After all these years, I don’t really have a good answer. I suppose back then there were a lot of expectations placed on young men and women; expectations of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right and settling down to “The Good Life,”  and so that is what I tried to do.

I suppose the first few years were okay but as time passed it got worse. I was never mistreated physically but emotional abandonment is a hurt that runs much deeper. My husband had become distant and sullen. I was miserably unhappy. Loneliness in a marriage can be unbearable. It took me almost 20 years to accept that my marriage was a sham and needed to come to an end.

It was a very hard time for all involved.

Not only were two decades of life ending but I was also struggling with my homosexuality and scared to death. I was terrified I would lose my children. I was afraid of losing my family. I was afraid everyone would think the marriage ended because Kathy was a big, old lesbian; which was not the reason, by the way.  I started having trouble sleeping, started losing my hair, didn’t have an appetite, and toward the end of my marriage, became a shrew to my children. The latter I will regret for the rest of my life.

Living in fear was exhausting. I remember lying in bed one night and praying to God, asking for Him to either heal me or take me. God chose to heal me but not in the way I thought He would. He didn’t take my gayness away but through a series of events He made me understand being gay was okay.

For so many years I believed the misguided teachings from the pulpit. You know the ones I’m talking about; that God condemns those who love someone of the same gender.  I knew I was attracted to women but I pushed that truth down inside, right beside the one that knew my marriage was doomed, and tried to ignore my feelings. After all, I was married, a mom, and a Southern Baptist Sunday School teacher to boot.  Funny thing about the truth though, if you try to ignore it, eventually it will come to the surface and stare you in the face. That was pretty much what happened to me.

During this tumultuous time in my life, I sought counsel and I believe with all my heart that God placed this Christian counselor in my life to help me. During one of my sessions, we were discussing my struggle reconciling my homosexuality with my Christianity. By way of explaining my struggle, I said,

“I wish that God would just send a talking donkey to me like He did in the Bible, just to tell me being a lesbian is okay.”

This wonderful counselor looked at me and gently said,

“God made you just the way He wanted you to be. You know, Kathy, if you take the A out of my last name, it spells donkey.”

His last name was Donakey.

Whoa! Talk about being hit with the 2×4 of truth!  It was as if God had spoken directly to me. I could feel His presence, the room seemed to fade and I could almost physically hear God speaking His love to me.

I looked at my counselor and whispered, “I think I just had a close encounter with the Almighty.”

He smiled and said, “I know. I can see it on your face.”

I can not say my struggle ended there but I believe I was given a great truth. Once I accepted that truth, I knew I had to unbolt the door and come out of the closet.

Coming out to my children, who were 14 and 18 at the time, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I was so afraid of losing their love. I didn’t know how to tell them their mom was gay. After many false starts and “chickening out,” I decided to write them a love letter and read it to them together.  In the letter I let them know that I valued them and their love more than anything in the world.  I explained that I was the same mom that tucked them in bed when they were young, took care of them when they were sick, and would continue to love them for who they were and who they would become.

I won’t lie. Things were strained for a while but I have great kids. When they saw how happy I was they accepted the truth rather quickly. Once I knew things were good with my kids, I didn’t care who knew and didn’t care what they thought. I was okay with God and I was okay with my kids.

That was over 10 years ago and life has never been better. I found my life partner, my family loves me as I am, I have three wonderful grandchildren and I know I am living the way I was meant to live.

I’m sure you have heard the Bible verse that says, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” I used to think that only pertained to the truth about God. But I have come to realize that means the truth about anything. Once you live the truth…live YOUR truth…you really are free.

And that is a wonderful place to be.

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

Posted in Personal Stories