An Australian’s Journey Toward New Life

January 1, 2006

I am a 37 year old lesbian living in a small town in country New South Wales, Australia. Looking back I knew I was a lesbian by the age of 15. I was growing up in Sydney with my loving parents and three brothers. We had a Catholic upbringing and at least a few times each week we were herded into the church with the rest of the faithful to learn how to become “good Catholics”. These teachings were not exactly filled with the positive joys of a homosexual lifestyle but I didn’t feel particularly ostracised at the time either. Perhaps this was because I hadn’t admitted to anyone, even myself, the full extent of my schoolgirl crushes.

When I left school I started working for a government agency and was completely satisfied with my work and the new friends I was making. Being in a government agency meant that discrimination was not tolerated and I was free to pursue the friendships with a number of gay workmates. These mates showed me the excessive gay nightlife in Sydney and, while I felt comfortable and accepted, I still did not perceive myself to be lesbian.

A couple of years after this excitng time I decided to enter a religious order to “give myself to God”. I was excited, empowered and full of the Holy Spirit - my life was as good as it had ever been and my family and friends were behind me all the way. This feeling of completeness lasted for about 18 months until I found myself sexually attracted to a woman in the parish. That was when my personal hell began.

I had trouble living my religious vocation while I was feeling “abnormal feelings” for this woman. Although I was celibate, trying to convince myself that I was okay was impossible. So, I left my congregation and ran away to work on a resort in Queensland. My family had no idea of the real reason for abandoning my vocation and I hadn’t discussed my feelings with anyone. I was alone.

After a year I went to Scotland to visit my father’s homeland. It was from there that I wrote to my mother and explained that I was lesbian. My father had died when I was 17 so my mother had to deal with the new me on her own.

Mum never disowned me or threatened me but she did express some disappointment and fear for my future. I was just interested in sleeping with as many women I could and becoming a part of the hectic nightclub scene. This lasted for several months until I met Jackie. We started dating and fell in love - I no longer had the desire to sleep around, she was my dream come true.

We lived together in Edinburgh and, although I was happy, the underlying feeling of not being with God was always there. I struggled with the fear that I was damned for all eternity for a couple of years with Jackie trying to convince me otherwise.

Eventually I sought professional help and went to see a therapist who was a Christian lesbian. We met every week for 12 months until I came to the understanding that God loves me and wants me to pursue a relationship with Him. He made me the way I am and wants me to be complete and happy. Jackie stood by me the whole time.

After 7 years away I felt ready to return home to Australia and face my family. Jackie and I applied to emigrate here as a same sex couple and, after months of gruelling interviews, we were accepted by the Australian Government. We arrived here in April 1996 and spent many nervous moments relating to my family. My mother was brilliant and, despite her reservations, accepted Jackie and I completely. Now after nearly 7 years, we are living in a very small community and have been totally accepted. Jackie runs a childcare centre and I am studying to be an accountant since deciding to give up my catering profession.

We are happy and are in our 13th year of a very loving relationship. Jackie is an integral part of my family and is well loved by my mother and siblings.

I believe God gave me a religious vocation for a reason and for a certain time. While the Catholic Church does not validate our love and commitment and does not allow me to receive the Sacraments, I know that the Lord Jesus Christ loves me unconditionally and endorses our love. I am in a loving relationship with the Lord and Jackie is very much a part of His love for me as His child. Jackie is one of the Lord’s many gifts for me and I for her.

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 2004.

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Posted in Personal Stories