And In This Corner…Part One
February 28, 2008
I’m struggling. I don’t know why I waited so long to ask for help. It’s odd how growing up I felt so close to God. When no one knew I was a lesbian. Then when I came out it was as if I hadn’t believed in God at all. All the things I said about how much a difference God made in my life turned into lies to those around me. Abandoned. There is no other way to describe how my family, church, everyone who knew me just threw up their arms and ran screaming into the night.
I’m confused about the conflicts between lesbian and Christian. I know many lesbians, including me, believe in God, but they are refused by most churches. Please help me to figure out the truth of Christian lesbians.
I grew up continually hearing that homosexuality was one of the greatest sins in the world; perhaps even right up there with murder and adultery. It was not until a few weeks ago that I fell on my knees one night begging God to tell me what was wrong with me, wondering what in the world had left me so empty and unfulfilled. I have cried much since that night and every minute I am awake I only want to not be alive.
I’m a mess, and I need to find my way back to God. I am struggling to live as a Christian lesbian. I don’t know how to do that.
I read the pages on your life and how it took many years to discover yourself while being raised in a predominantly Christian environment. I, as well, have followed the Lord’s word in living my life and try everyday to be a strong Christian woman. However, I am struggling with the very issues that I have always believed the Bible says are wrong.
Five letters. Five women. Different lives but the same struggle to reconcile the seeming conflict between their Christian faith and their sexual orientation. Any of us who’ve already walked through that gut-wrenching experience know how lonely the struggle can be but then wrestling with God’s never been a team sport. It’s something that all people of faith must do in their lives and something they we all must do alone.
Abraham Herschel said “Some people think faith is an answer to all human problems. In truth, faith is a challenge to all human answers.” Was there every a time in your life when you thought you had all the answers? Whew. Me too. Glad I’m not alone on that one.
I grew up learning the answers in church, even when the answers didn’t always fit the questions. I was so sure I knew what I knew when it came to my faith. I had all the answers until one day the answers no longer worked; when the reality of my life couldn’t be squeezed into the box I’d masterfully crafted to hold my faith and my God. “This is how I am to live. This is what I’m suppose to feel. This is what I should do. This is who God is. This is how far God’s grace goes and this is how God judges.”
We’ve heard all our lives that homosexuality is a sin, and hey, this worked just fine, thank you very much, until the day comes we realize we’re gay and wham-bam, the conflict of two supposed truths crash headlong inside of us and we’re tossed over the rope and into the ring before we have a chance to change into our shiny satin boxing shorts. For queer Christians we went to the mat with God over our sexual orientation but for others, but whether gay or straight, we all struggle long into the night over conflicts equally critical as we live out our lives of faith. We talk about our spiritual lives as a journey because we’re always in movement and on this journey we have to cross through the wilderness before we ever reach the promised land where living lives of wholeness before God beckons to us.
Whether the metaphor of choice is wrestling with God or crossing the wilderness it feels equally hopeless and unending at times. We long to get to the other side and to get there last Thursday, but we hang on because we refuse to let go. We refuse to let go because we committed ourselves long ago to holding on when the love of God first wooed us and we walked into newness of life. Letting go of such love isn’t the last option. It’s no option and so we hold on to God, to our faith, and to who we know we are in Christ Jesus. Admit it. We’re just a bunch of clingy kids holding onto God until we get an answer, until peace comes, until we receive our blessing.
Remind you of anyone? Jacob wrestling through the night with God perhaps? Hmmm…let’s talk about that some more in the next couple days. In the meantime, Genesis 32. Check it out.
Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Email Outtakes, Queering the Bible, Questioning
Sweet Hope Cookies
March 1st, 2008 at 9:58 am
I’m a little late to the redesign, but want to say it looks and reads great! Congrats!!
March 3rd, 2008 at 11:58 pm
“We refuse to let go because we committed ourselves long ago to holding on when the love of God first wooed us and we walked into newness of life. Letting go of such love isn’t the last option. It’s no option and so we hold on to God, to our faith, and to who we know we are in Christ Jesus.” This is what we need to remember–God wooed us and we became committed. It does not matter, what our orientation is, it does not matter the color of our skin, nor our gender. To God, we are Spiritual Beings who are committed to their Creator thru His Son. We love our Father, Son and Holy Spirit, just the way they want us to love them. God has created us to be the people that He wants us to be. We are to have Fellowship with Him and to allow our love for Him to grow within us. As His love grows in us, we become His love here on earth. We need to move forward in God’s truth, wisdom and knowledge, so that we can be helpful to others who are seeking to find God’s love and presence for their lives. As we put our focus on moving forward, in the will of God, we will begin to allow our faith to guide and direct us. It is God who will, as we, in faith move in His way, fill our hearts with His love, truth and conviction.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Very well said Tina. Thank you, I found that to be very confirming and encouraging.
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:44 am
While reading, it dawned on me that there is no option to not love God just like there is no option to not love women. I would say, that I find myself as much Christian as queer and at this time in my life they are starting to over lap. OH!!! maybe that means my sexual orientation is becoming reconciled to my faith?? wow.. it seems to be just happening while I stumble around looking for answers. But yea.. I guess that is the goal, that I don’t have bits and pieces of myself that don’t make sense together. mmm… well.. wiping tears and reading on. Thanks for all the insight.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Hi,
I LOVE JESUS, I mean I LOVE him like no other!! I have been living a married life to a wonderful man for many years because of my “Christian faith”. For many years…I told my Husband I believed I was gay and he didn’t believe me. “I” decided to start living my 2007 life TRUTHFULLY in God rather than living a lie that I was straight. I still LOVE & ADORE the Lord after coming out but feel lost somehow by the public view’s on a Lesbian Christian life style. My Aunt says….It’s wrong….as well as my Sister….but INSIDE of me…I have NEVER felt more whole or complete as a person by NOT LYING ANYMORE….I somehow still feel lost now when it comes to my faith…can anyone help, any thoughts?
February 26th, 2010 at 5:58 pm
My mother believes I am going to hell. I grew up in the church, learning this was wrong. No where did I ever read it was wrong tho. I recently have seen all the passages online about men and women “forsaking” the opposite sex and taking “strange flesh”. Now, after 5 years in a committed relationship with a woman, and a struggling time married and dating men before that, I am horrified. I love this woman. I am a better person because of her, and recently have tried to renew my faith. But I am scared. I want to follow Christ, and be in heaven with Him. But I cannot change who I am, I thought he loved me for who I was, no matter what. Can anybody help me? This is my daily prayer to God.. my soul’s struggle.
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:02 pm
Dear Arianne,
I’ve never commented on a post before, but I could have written what you wrote almost word for word from my own life experiences and I had to write. I’m so sorry that you are feeling so much pain and struggle. You are not going to hell. God DOES love you for who you are, no matter what. I’ve done a lot of soul searching, praying, and research on all the “clobber” verses (that’s what originally brought me to Anita’s site) for the past 3 years, but it was an experience I had just a few weeks ago that finally brought me peace. I was crying myself to sleep over exactly what you described above, replaying the “tapes” I’ve grown up with my whole life…hearing the hurtful words my family had said to me that very evening…and in the midst of all that noise and chaos in my head and heart all of a sudden I heard the words to the children’s song “Jesus loves me”as clear as day. Everything else went quiet, and I was filled with just an amazing peace as the words played over and over in my head. I’m in tears now remembering it! I have no idea why a silly Sunday School song was what finally got through to me, but it did.
I guess all of that is to say that we can do all the research we can on interpretations of the very few verses that have anything to do with homosexuality (Anita has an amazing article dealing with the verse you mentioned), and it definitely helps A LOT. For me, though, it came down to being so broken that I gave in and finally heard what He had been trying to tell me all along.
“Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak, but He is strong. Yes. Jesus loves me? Yes. Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.”
Love,
Vanessa