And In This Corner…Part Two

March 9, 2008

Getting back to where I left off before life, laundry, and laziness intervened, here are some thoughts as I read the story of Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis 32 and how there might be some connecting points for those GLBTQ Christians who find themselves still struggling to reconcile their faith and sexuality. As the saying goes, take what you like and heave leave the rest.

1. God came to Jacob and initiated the struggle. God came to where Jacob was by the shore of the Jabbok river as he waited in fear and uncertainty. Jacob felt with good reason that everyone from Laban to Esau was against him. He had no idea what to do to resolve things. He was empty of ideas and hope. That night under the stars God showed up, breaking into Jacob’s life in an unexpected way, forcing Jacob into a change of action. God threw the first punch and Jacob responded. God knows what’s going on with us at every moment and whatever doubts we have, whatever fears are hounding us, whatever is going on right now, that’s the very place where God will break into our lives in unexpected ways, inviting us to engage with God in ways that stretch and shape us. When the invitation comes, the choice is ours. We can duck and cover, run for safety, or stay in the thick of it with God and allow the experience to shape a new future and hope for us. If you’re in the midst of struggling with reconciling your faith and sexuality then you decided to stay and see it through and while we know how difficult the struggle can be, good for you for saying YES to it!

2. Jacob and God were equally committed. God wasn’t standing off on the sidelines watching Jacob struggle alone but was locked in a real struggle with him. The divine God wasn’t playing a game with the mortal human. God was physically restrained by Jacob from getting away. God didn’t get away because God couldn’t get away. God was going nowhere until Jacob released God. This time of wrestling with big questions in our lives isn’t a spectator sport for God. God’s right in the thick of things with us, committed to seeing it through to the end. The relationship each of us have with God matters just as much to God as it matters to us. If you ever feel like it’s all taking too long and that God must be losing patience with you, remember Jacob and how God stayed until Jacob let go and not a minute before. God has all the time in the world for you so hold on.

3. Jacob wasn’t being punished or corrected. There’s no indication of judgment on God’s part anywhere in the story nor is there any mention that Jacob repents for a wrong done. Jacob’s struggle with God isn’t a sign that Jacob has done something wrong in behavior or thought but this was an occasion for his life and faith to be further shaped and sharpened for the deeper challenges that would follow. We thought we were straight and then we come to a new awareness and find ourselves wrestling with the realization that we’re gay and how we might reconcile that with all we’ve been come to believe about homosexuality. We weren’t brought into this struggle because God is punishing or correcting, tempting or testing us. This is a defining moment of becoming all that we are, not simply as GLBTQ people but in our characters and our lives of faith. Whatever difficult times rise up in your future, whether external events or internal conflicts, this present struggle is defining you, shaping and strengthening you to respond to whatever waits ahead, and something is always waiting ahead.

4. Jacob is blessed. Jacob needed God’s blessing more than he needed anything else. He didn’t barricade himself with troops of armed men as protection against an attack by Esau and his men. He didn’t keep his wives and children by his side or equip himself with sword and shield. He wanted nothing more and nothing less than God’s blessing. It was God’s blessing alone that mattered to Jacob and it was for that blessing Jacob was willing to go so far as risking his life to obtain it. Jacob knew that no one could see God and live (Exodus 33:20) and yet he was willing to hold onto God until the daylight drove away the darkness and God’s face would be revealed. He would rather die than not be blessed. And so because of his relentless holding on to God, despite the pain of battle and the weariness of a long night, Jacob was rewarded with the blessing of God. Countless people can offer words affirming our sexual orientation and God’s continual love for us. We can go to a gay-affirming church and hang out with other GLBTQ Christians. We can read a countless books that offer a different understanding of the passages used to condemn homosexuality. We can come to SisterFriends and talk with others who’ve walked similar journeys and are at peace in their lives and faith. We can have all that but it’s not enough until we know in our hearts that God loves and embraces us just as we are. Don’t settle for anything less than God’s blessing. Hold on however long it takes, fight however hard you must. Don’t whine for God’s blessing. Like Jacob, demand it boldly. “I’m staying in this fight God and I’m not letting go of you until you bless me.”

5. Jacob sustains an injury. During the height of the struggle Jacob’s hip was injured and as the story concludes we watch a limping Jacob in the distance moving down the road. He’s still headed on the course he originally planned but now he travels it forever marked by his struggle with God. Jacob’s limp isn’t evidence of defeat or weakness on his part but it’s sign that Jacob not only struggled with God and prevailed but that God was gracious in preserving Jacob’s life throughout the night. In other words, the mark he now carries into his future symbolizes both who Jacob is and who God is. When we come out the other side of our struggle to reconcile our faith and sexuality, we’re forever marked. No limp. No scars. No stitches. But something is different, something that witnesses not only to our commitment to our faith but that speaks as well to the inclusive love and grace of God that reaches far beyond where some people say that it ends. The struggle comes with pain; there’s nothing easy about letting go of old ways of understanding while holding on with all your might to God but in the end, something will be different about you for having remained in the struggle, and that something will be amazing.

6. God goes with Jacob. In Genesis 28: 10-15 God made some big promises to Jacob and then promised on top of them that he wouldn’t leave Jacob until all the promises were fulfilled. While God kept his promise to remain, God’s continuing presence in his life probably didn’t look like Jacob might have hoped. Jacob saw God as gracious and while God’s graciousness was indeed manifested at the conclusion of the struggle, the struggle itself was brutal and harsh, but even with God as his temporary adversary, Jacob finds assurance for he had held his own with God. Having survived the night Jacob knows he can face anything or anyone that waits for him ahead. After all, what adversary could possibly compare in might to the one he just faced? The struggle isn’t over once we reconcile our faith and sexuality within ourselves and with God. There are other opponents down the road who will attack; they’ll deny that we ever met God face to face; rejecting our new name and ridiculing our claim of God’s blessing. But we who have wrestled with God know how real the struggle was, how hard and long we fought, and how we held on until we knew without question or doubt of God’s blessing for us. Every other opponent we face in our lives, whether individuals or institutions, have nothing to throw at us that we didn’t already face when we were alone with God. As you move forward be assured that your time of striving with God has strengthened you and that whatever obstacles await, you won’t face them alone. You have a powerful and faithful ally who has your back covered.

Posted in Coming Out, Queering the Bible