And the Wall Came A’Tumbling Down
October 21, 2008
While visiting the Pacific Northwest this past weekend I attended a conservative, evangelical Christian church on Sunday morning. Not just any conservative, evangelical Christian church but the one I attended for the first 20 plus years of my life. It was my home church from my prenatal existence until the day I headed south to attend Bible College. It was the church where during a week of Vacation Bible School I raised my five year old hand to accept Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, and where my theological leanings had been under construction since childhood. I was teethed on the stories of the Bible and as the colorful flannelgraph figures glided across the felt landscapes my Sunday School teachers filled in not only the details of the stories but the spiritual lesson each one imparted. I wasn’t left to wonder how the story might relate to my life. Instead my teachers, parents, and pastors interpreted it’s meaning for me. Preschool Hermeneutics 101.
After years of Sunday School, children’s church, Sunday morning worship, Sunday night worship, Wednesday night prayer meetings, Vacation Bible School, summer church camp, youth group revivals, mission trips, and Bible College, I had a rock-solid theology. I knew what I believed about God, Jesus, the world, sin, salvation, heaven and hell, and okay, let’s just call it how it was; I knew what I believed about everything. Without exception. I had an answer for every spiritual, theological, and moral question thrown at me and even if I’d never considered the question before it was asked, I could pretty much pull an answer out of my hip pocket, and should the answer given fell miles short of the question, I still backed it up with all the conviction I could muster. I had no choice because I’d been led to believe that as a real Christian, as a true believer, my faith guaranteed me the answers to all the questions even if in reality the answers were weak, unsatisfying, and misapplied.
If any metaphor represents my faith at the time best, it would be that of an immovable, unshakable brick wall. Every scrap of Christian belief, doctrine, and dogma was a separate brick in the wall. Brick stacked upon brick, the strength of the wall depending on each brick to provide a firm foundation for all the bricks surrounding it. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, a wall only as sturdy as it’s weakest brick.
Homosexuality was just one of the bricks constructed by teaching that the Bible plainly called it a sin, a belief supported by the story of Sodom, outlined in the laws of Leviticus, and repeated in the teachings of Paul. The Bible had a definitive answer when it came to homosexuality. No ambiguity, no room for discussion, and that was good enough for me, and any time the topic came up I used the familiar rhetoric seasoned with sin, bondage, surrender, sacrifice and deliverance, peppered with long quotations of Scripture, accented with moral conviction and righteous assurance. All my words and beliefs worked fine until the day came when I realized I was gay and in an instant all my previously held incontrovertible answers no longer matched up with my life and my identity before God. The formulaic conclusions of how homosexuality originated, the pat descriptions detailing the one-size-fits-all gay lifestyle, and the supposedly obvious incompatibility of loving someone of the same gender while being in an authentic, committed relationship with God through Christ began to crumble, first around the edges and then in deepening fractures that ran through the brick’s center.
As the brick of homosexuality crumbled you would have thought I would have been relieved. You would have thought so. Instead I was terrified. A brick had fallen from the wall and if one brick had crumbled then what would be the next brick to collapse and how long before the entire wall went to rack and ruin, leaving me with answers, no faith, and no God. Even before the brick dust settled I feared I would lose the entire wall and be left with nothing.
That’s why the most overwhelming part of coming out wasn’t accepting my sexual orientation or the consequences that came from doing so in a conservative Christian world. It wasn’t the relationships I lost, the ridicule leveled at my ministry, or the rejection of my faith by other Christians. No. What rattled me to the core more than all the rest was the loss of holding with a firm grip onto a personal faith based in absolute answers and iron-clad truth. Standing on the edge of that possibility rocked my world and not in a way that felt particularly good.
I don’t think what I’m writing about here is all that unique to my life alone. From the stories I’ve heard and the emails I’ve read mine is a common experience and fear for many who were anchored in a more conservative faith tradition and so I want to share how it was that the crumbling wall I most dreaded would become one of the greatest gifts of coming out as queer to my Christian walk but I’ll save that for later this week. Enough rambling words for today.
Until then, can I get a witness from my sistahs? Do I hear an Amen from the cheap seats? Does any of this connect with you and if so, how so?
Posted in Christian Living and Faith, Theology
October 21st, 2008 at 10:56 pm
My seat is NOT cheap. It was paid for with the most precious substance ever found in creation. . . . . more precious than silver or gold, diamonds or rubies or even chocolate. My seat was paid for with the Blood of Jesus.
October 21st, 2008 at 11:33 pm
DL–>Cheap seats. Just an expression I use in jest with no actual value judgment intended. We’re all in the front row orchestra section!
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:42 am
Sending a HUGE amen from this week corner. Thank you for this A. I know you know my journey… but the crumbling wall and the perspective of losing my grip rather than the relationships, ministry, etc. Wow, thank you.. great perspective, very timely.
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:03 am
Anita, I so appreciate your writing, you really have a gift for it. Like you I was raised in the church and I know I was saved at least 487 times but it’s when life hits you in the face that the rubber meets the road. So thank you for putting into words what so many of us have experienced.
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 am
Still Mz. Anita many churches teach me that I am not entitled to any seat at all. . . not the cheap seat nor the front row orchestra nor the nosebleed balcony. I have come to realize that blind “faith” isn’t really faith at all. If I believe simply what I am told to believe, there is little or no room for relationship. Jonah, Jacob, and Paul just to name 3, all initially had to wrestle with Truth before it became their own Truth. They had to repent as well. . for not believing God when He spoke to them as individuals and wanting to cling to what they had been taught instead. Even Jesus who came to us as a man knowing ahead of time what would be required of Him, prayed that God would find another way that didn’t require His death upon the cross and the suffering that He knew was about to begin. Jesus didn’t need to repent because He wasn’t refusing as the others had done but He did question God and left us that example. When God didn’t say that He had changed His mind, Jesus went off to fulfill His destiny still sinless and blameless to be a blood sacrifice to pay for my redemption and yours (and our seats)
I personally believe that we dishonor Jesus by blindly accepting what some pastor or priest tells us to believe. We cut off communications since we think that we already know everything. But God is not dead and He hasn’t taken a vow of silence. He speaks fresh Living and Life Giving Words today to those who will listen.
Paul addressed the issue of listening to God when he wrote to the Philippian church.
Amplified Bible Philippians 2:12-13:
12 Therefore, my dear ones, as you have always obeyed [my suggestions], so now, not only [with the enthusiasm you would show] in my presence but much more because I am absent, work out (cultivate, carry out to the goal, and fully complete) your own salvation with reverence and awe and trembling (self-distrust, with serious caution, tenderness of conscience, watchfulness against temptation, timidly shrinking from whatever might offend God and discredit the name of Christ). 13 [Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight.
I dislike quoting too much scripture to prove my point since I have been at the other end of being clobbered with it but I do believe that these verses among countless others show us that we need to count on God as our final Authority and not rely solely on what we have been taught. When I was in a Catholic orphanage the priest told us that we were too stupid to understand scripture and that was why we had priests to tell us what God said. Jim Jones said that He spoke for God and those poor people believed him and they all ended up dead before they had the time to listen for God’s voice themselves. That is of course an extreme example of blindly following in what one is taught but it is, I think, a good example. I searched for God for many years in churches and their doctrines, theology, and dogma and always came away empty and feeling condemned. . which lead me straight into rebellion. I was still too chicken to commit any really “big” sins so all my “little” sins were private ones that only hurt myself. At that time, I didn’t even recognize that my rebellion really was a “big” sin.
I had to come to place of total and devastating despair before I could open myself to listen for God Himself to speak the words of love and acceptance that set me free to be me. I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, washed in His Blood and redeemed by Him, a daughter of the King who just happens to be lesbian.
Does that answer your question Mz. Anita? I have been awake longer than 27 minutes so must return to sleep now. The good news is that my periods of wakefulness are coming more frequently.
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:58 am
Anita, you said…
“….What rattled me to the core more than all the rest was the loss of holding with a firm grip onto a personal faith based in absolute answers and iron-clad truth. Standing on the edge of that possibility rocked my world and not in a way that felt particularly good…..”
I’m having this experience right now. I hate the feeling like things are slipping and the awful sense I might not beable to hold on to what is important. I like absolutes so it is unnerving to think I have to re-examine ground I had firm under my feet. But the experiance is more of watching the wall tumble rather then my examination causing it. It is disconserting to say the least.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 am
Joni–> And you’re very welcome. I think it’s really amazing that even in each of our unique circumstances and locations around the world, there are certain experiences that we all share in common in one way or another.
Jones –> Only 487 times? Seriously, I relate so well to that which reminds me as to how far we need to come to understand the depths of grace that doesn’t require we come over and over to petition for a salvation so fragile it can be lost.
DL–> Thanks for sharing all that though I don’t exactly remember asking a question. But again, if anyone understood my usage of “cheap seats” as anything other than an apparently weak attempt at friendly banter, then my apologies. I should hope the contents of this blog in its entirety would communicate the message that each person is equally valued and accepted in the presence of God because of the grace given to us all in equal measure through Christ.
Deb–> Oh girl, how I know how disconcerting that all is. While I’m going to be talking more about this in detail later this week, I’d just offer you the hope that what ultimately comes from where you now stand will be a deepening of your faith that you can’t begin to imagine. I have to tell you, as much as I loved having absolute answers, I now love the mystery of living in the questions even more. I love the freedom (in God) to wrestle with all of this and to take the time, all the time, I need to grow into a faith that answers more true to life than the pat answers that often seemed to come up so short. That’s how it is for me anyway.
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:52 pm
AMEN!! Over and over! Anita, you have said it so much better than I ever could. Exactly how I have felt, and still sometimes do. Thank you so much!
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Anita, I love what you write. It so much rings a bell with me. After all my childhood years of church and sunday school and 36 years in a pentecostal chuch where absolutes in truth were the order of the day and there was an answer for everything even if there wasn’t ….The middle of last year I stood I stood on the brink, the edge of the backsliders chasm (so i thought). I was about to come out and God was about to assign me to the gutter. But then a wonderful thing happened He told me He LOVED ME!! Not what I was expecting, but it sustained and encouraged me. And even though I find where I stand now staring at the rubbled pile of bricks that was once a structure made up of absolute truths, half truths, truths, ignorance, pastoral platitudes and the advice from half a million sermons, I feel a wonderful sense of freedom. I love it that I don’t know the answers to things anymore and that God is not a pentecostal and doesn’t fit into any religious shaped box.
October 23rd, 2008 at 8:53 am
My brick wall is still tumbling, I am still choking on dust, and getting bonked by debris, not settled yet! But, this brick feels free! Free from being pressed on all sides, expected to conform, to stay in-line, in place, part of the whole, with no identity of my own! I didn’t create the earthquake that shook this brick down, I tried to keep it in place, but the mortar gave way, I tried to repair it, but I am not the bricklayer.I couldn’t help but just fall when the shaking began, God created the movement, the shaking, who am I to calm the storms, what was I to do? Thank God, he really does move mountains! (And breaks down brick walls).
I am used to being part of the wall, not a seperate single brick, so who am I and what is my purpose now? I do miss being part of a whole, I look forward to being “re-built” into something more purposeful and useful. But for now, I lay in rubble…..
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Yea, I hear ya. For me, it felt like someone took my happy little secure world and flipped it right on it’s head and shook it: Left was right; up was down; in was out and wrong was right. It still feels like that sometimes.
I’m actually coming to consider being gay a blessing. Years ago, if there were a hypothetical straight pill I would have taken it. But now, it’ OK because my sexuality gives me a different perspective on life. I’m not going to be haughty and say that it’s a superior perspective to that of most straights. It’s just that if I were not gay, I would probably think and believe exactly as my parents. It seems like they have a somewhat close-minded and even a little prejudice worldview. I cringe to think that I could’ve had their beliefs and opinions. It’s nice to be outside the box. It seems that being on the outside, I feel a little closer to the truth now (even though I don’t know all the answers) than back when I blindly believed everything they told me.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Oh. My. Gosh. I’m blown out of the water by what you all have stepped forward to share on this topic, both here and in emails I’ve received. What a gift. Thank you!
Terri–>Nah. I just described out it was for me and am really glad it rang true for you too, but no one could ever tell it from your perspective better than you!
Elijang–>Wow. You just said it so beautifully. I really connected with the part about standing on the “backslider’s chasm, (so you thought)” and having the thing that pulled you back was nothing more or less than God’s love. I love theology and study and digging deep into it all but it’s not a new wall of theology that seems to be what we need, but the simple faith that let’s us know we stand in God’s love through everything and all things. Reading what you shared took me to that wonderful place again….like a cool breeze with no walls to block it.
Traci–> I got teary reading what you wrote, not only because I remember so well the overwhelming feelings that accompany the crumbling wall but just because I’m so excited for you and what lays ahead. I loved how you said that it was God that started the movement! Yes!
Katherine–>Mmm…yes. I remember thinking the very same thing, that my secure little world had flipped upside down, and it was humbling to realize that for much of my life my security/trust had been in what I knew and not in who God was. I really do appreciate all the rest of what you said Katherine and the way in which you said it. It all clicked with me.
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Amen sistah!
“What rattled me to the core more than all the rest was the loss of holding with a firm grip onto a personal faith based in absolute answers and iron-clad truth. Standing on the edge of that possibility rocked my world and not in a way that felt particularly good.”
That really hits home for me, I have been talking a lot about this lately. For me, it has been one of the hardest and uncomfortable things to do. I felt good with the absolute answers, although inconsistant. I liked having the firm grip I had in my faith, although I missed a large part of it.
To let go and allow the walls to crumble is so very hard, yet so very worth it. My walls are still crumbling and I’m still being stripped, but as I said…..it’s worth it.
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Oh, how much this all resonatesd for me. It took be 68 years to come to believe that I could be both lexbian and Christian. I spent most of those denying myself and my identity because I wanted to be a good christian. How wonderful it has been the last two years to discover that I can have my relationship with Jesus Christ and with the woman I love… although it has cost me so much, even the lose of two daughters and 10 grandchildren. I am so grateful for meeting you here and reading all of your blogs. Thanks
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:15 pm
It’s oddly apt that I’m always late to the sisterfriends party, because I am so late to the table in my acceptance of myself as gay.
I was also raised, as you know, in a fundamentalist home, in a devoted home, in a home where Jesus was as much the center of my world as could be. I accepted him as my savior every Sunday, I recall, as a tiny girl of four, until one Sunday my teacher told me that I really didn’t have to accept him every week. Once would take. She promised. And I remember the discipleship program called Missionettes, of which I was an active part. I learned about great women of the Bible, hung with other Christian friends, studied theological principles, and reached the pinnacle, being crowned Honor Star at 13. Then it was on to mentoring other girls, becoming a sponsor, which I did until I was 20. I had the statement of faith memorized (still do, ay me), knew exactly what we believed and why.
And I grew up on not only the King James Bible and the PTL Club, but I remember countless times where I would, while bored and lying on the couch, reach into the coffee table where were found a whole selection of Jack Chick tracts, the most vivid of which was that one called “The Gay Blade,” that spoke of the horrible notion of gay marriage, and showed gays to have twisted faces of deceit and manipulation, and twisted hearts of lust and perversion. My life was immersed. I wasn’t allowed to listen to top 40 music, or in fact, to any secular music at all. We listened to the Moody Bible Network or the local religious stations. Mom played either Disney tunes, Duane Friend, or Tammy Faye Bakker on the record player. Dad played classical, jazz, Broadway tunes, or Big Band. My cousins hated it when we visited, because they’d always get in big trouble if dad heard us listening to ACDC or any other sinful abominations like the soundtrack to Godspell.
But then I learned I was an abomination, that those horrible people in the Chick tracts were me. And that I deserved to have rocks thrown at me until I die. And I did want to die. The rejection was suffocating. It burned in me, like searing scars. So I did whatever I had to in order to be allowed to live, in order to be acceptable to those I loved. I became “ex gay.”
Only that didn’t let me live, only survive. I was on a tight leash, a leash that, looking back on it I know realize, was jerked tight any time I dared step into a place where I thought I deserved to be treated as a whole human being, even if celibate and ‘delivered.’ It was exhausting being what everyone needed me to be, what I needed to be.
Last January, as you know, I was challenged by one of my very few remaining friends, one of my true friends, to come out, to trust God with my orientation. And this one brick out of my doctrinal foundation, this one absolute, shook the whole. It wasn’t just a hole in the wall; the entire structure crumbled.
I am fortunate that my structure crumbled once before, many years ago, when I first discovered I was gay, and that I had that experience to direct me. That time was a crushing blow, a wound that took over eight years to recover from, if only in “ex gay” terms. But even so, God used it to get me used to the term as relevant to my life.
And then, through the years of my denial, God surrounded me with people who knew I was gay, not “ex gay.” People who tolerated my desperate facade. People who were gay, or gay friendly. People on my job. People who loved God, but who weren’t fundamentalist like I was, whom I therefore couldn’t believe were Christian because they didn’t have the right set of beliefs. And I remember thinking about Suzanne, my best friend, how it was so sad that she wasn’t a Christian, because I so didn’t want her to go to hell, and she was, for a nonchristian, the best Christian I’ve ever known. Her life is marked by love.
Meanwhile, my friends from church, friends who so love God and so seek daily to serve him, are marked by that fear of annhiliation characteristic of fundamentalists. Their love is for each other, but the love for the world around them is limited by making that world change so that it is acceptable according to the strictures of the belief set. And if something doesn’t change, then it must be discarded. And when I chose to admit that I hadn’t changed, when I accepted myself this January, I was discarded.
I lost 40 years worth of friends this year.
And yet, and yet…
For the first time ever, I am free to doubt. I am free to question. I am free to be honest in the fog. And I’m free to admit there even is a fog. I’m free to not know, to not believe.
These past months have been overwhelming with a ravenous devouring of all those things I would never have considered reading, never have considered watching, never have considered even considering—and I’ve been free to accept that things I only said I believed because I was supposed to, things I “believed” because that’s what a “good Christian” must believe, were things I had no idea whether I actually believed them or not. And I’ve been free to take a sledge hammer to that pile of bricks, to crush them, in order for God to build from the powder a new structure of his love and grace.
Suzanne, by the way, was the first one to suggest to me a church where I might feel comfortable and be accepted. And her faith is, I’ve learned, true Christianity, defined by grace and Christ, not by regulations and judgmental creedal expectations. It is interesting, as I look back, how the whole time I thought I was witnessing to her, she was, in fact, witnessing to me, showing me the possibility of true freedom in Christ, in that way that perfect love casts out fear, even the fear that drives the doctrinal desperation of fundamentalism.
So, here I am, still smashing away with my truth sledgehammer. It’s been ten months, and I am amazed at how very different a woman I am than a year ago. I have lost much, but even though it is sad that some amazing people are gone from my life, I am in a wonderous, mysterious, and open-spaced reality where I am unsure of tomorrow, because tomorrow has possibility whereas it never did before. I feel as if the calling I’ve felt my whole life might actually come to pass, and it humbles me beyond words.
Yes, that brick set the whole thing to crumbling. But oh, Anita, am I glad it did.
October 24th, 2008 at 12:34 am
Well, I just found this blog last weekend. My brief story .. coming out completely for the first time in my life. 49 years of life. The last 18 years as pastor’s wife in the kind of church that has Missionettes and WM’s and speaking in tongues and phobias of all kinds, including phobia of who I am. 12 years before that in youth ministry as a lay person with my husband (now of 27 years, but that’s ending and is another story). It’s been a safe and sturdy life where I have begun to raise 2 boys. It’s been a happy life with lots of loving friends and a very public and successful ministry. Big fish .. small pond.
It is a life I am leaving. I’ve been squashing my sexuality, and have felt suffocated by the constrictions of faith that require me to funnel all my “liberal” thoughts through a tiny hole called “the narrow gate.”
Bon writes, “I lost 40 years worth of friends this year.” In the next 30 days, I will move into my own apartment, leave the family home, and begin to see how many friends I will lose. And they are friends. We’ve talked church, parenting, women’s issues, marriage, emotional fulfillment, God fulfillment but never politics, or social policy, or sexuality, or homosexuality. I’ve hidden in my ministry success, often even forgetting my desire for women .. or normalizing it as part of the healthy variety of sexuality as long as it is never expressed in anything but fantasy.
This morning, as I thought of my lesbian lover and my confidence as I have come out to myself, my husband, and a few others sexually, I thought that maybe I should follow my atheist tendencies after all. It has seemed this year just too much work to deconstruct the evangelical, fundamentalist God and find reality in a newer but older version of God. God who looked on creation and said it was all good. As if there could be that God in the universe who looks upon me and finds me to be good .. lesbian, divorced, and all ..
Just as the thought of being an atheist came to me .. so came tremendous grief at the loss of relationship with the loving God I have known for so long. Tonight, as sleep escapes me for the first time in many weeks, I remembered finding this blog .. maybe I don’t have to be an atheist .. maybe .. I will stay open for awhile longer ..
October 24th, 2008 at 3:23 am
As I sat here this morning re-reading your post and all of the wonderful comments, I am struck again at how it takes no faith if you have all the answers. It takes no thinking or searching or even asking God’s direction. All it takes is a reguritation of what you have been told.
In my opinion, Faith, is waking up every morning facing the uncertainties and questions and trusting God for the answers. Thanks Anita for this post and thank you to all who responded. You have given me much to think about and ponder.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:14 am
You all have such an ability to pour your hearts out, that it sometimes makes me feel unworthy; I still hide many of my thoughts deep inside as I have the majority of my life, it’s what I’ve done best.
Like many here I was raised in a fundamental home, Jesus and church were the center of my very small world. I rarely stepped out of that circle, that is until I left home at 17 for college and the Army. I had my foundations shaken when I stepped out of the tiny world my family had kept me in. I still denied my attraction to other women, even when my Dad asked me if I was a lesbian four days before he died; I just couldn’t admit to him or myself who I was. I tried to continue being the “good” christian that I had been raised to believe was right, but what I felt inside didn’t match what I had always been taught.
I made mistakes along my journey, two failed marriages for the wrong reasons, trying to live up to what my family and others expected of me. But through it all I knew that God was protecting me, for what I didn’t know. I have been in situations where I should have been dead, but he brought me through. Seven years ago I was in love with a married woman, she had no clue, but her husband did; she was the wrong one for me, God packed me up and sent me to Arizona, selling my house overnight in farm country is unheard of, but he made it happen. I’ve spent most of my life living in misery, trying to be what “I was supposed to be”.
Two years ago I decided that I just couldn’t live that way anymore. I had to let me come out of my shell, and with God’s grace I have managed to understand that he still loves me, that I’m still the compasionate loving christian that he designed, just with a different slant. It’s been a rocky road, but he always brings me back to where I belong, and I’m thankful for that. God loves me, you and anyone else that will come to him, just as he made us.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:52 am
thank for sharing, Bon. ‘ditto’
October 24th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Steph–>”So hard yet so very worth it.” Amen.
RuthAnn–> I’m so glad it didn’t take you 78 years to come to this place! I mean that sincerely because we’ll never know the numbers of people who’ve lived their entire lives and never found their way to a place of peace and acceptance. It breaks my heart the cost, and an unnecessary one, that comes in lost relationships when we claim our wholeness in God and I pray this morning, and I mean that genuinely, that God who is able to redeem all things, will redeem the relationship of your daughters and grandchildren.
Bon–>There’s nothing I could ever write that would say it any better. What a story and so similar to my own, and I’m sure others, that I was totally connected to it from word one. Really. What a testimony Bon. I’m not speechless often but you got me.
PJ–> Whew PJ. Thank you for stepping forward with all that. It sounds like you’re facing a very difficult road in the coming weeks and while there will undoubtedly be pain and loss, based on my experience and that of others, I believe you’ll find moments of comfort and assurance along the way. I’ll also share with you (this might be hard to believe or even hear right now so just tuck it away for another time when you can) that for everything you lose I believe you will find something else. In my own life PJ, everything I counted as loss only brought me to a place to open my heart and life to receive even more of the abundance and goodness God had in store for me. Was it easy? No. It was agony. Do I wish I could have back everything as it was? No, not if it would mean not being where I am today, in the life I’m living. PJ, God loves you today as much as ever and out of that great love God is standing beside you in this time. Now, if you should feel you need to pull away from God for a time for whatever reason, then and even then, God is going nowhere but will remain near you, patiently waiting, full of compassion. Here’s the thing girlfriend. With me, there were times in the midst of so much loss that the only constant I had to hold onto, the only thing in which I could depend was God and His great love for me. When in the greatest despair, I’d roll around in that knowing. When I couldn’t sleep at night because the losses of the day haunted me, I’d draw my thoughts to God and all that I knew of Him, even if it was only that God was and God was love. I just can’t imagine what it would have been like to have gone through those weeks and months in total isolation, without holding onto the hand of God, and I hope you choose to not go it alone either. “PJ” is written on a card by my bed. I’ll see it each night and send a prayer your way. I know others here will do the same. God’s peace to you and may God guide you along each step of the way.
Terri—>Well my sisterfriend, you did a fine, truly fine, job of sharing your own heart. Thank you for that. Be assured that we’ve all made mistakes in our faith journeys, gay or straight. Sometimes our mistakes harm us and others and when that happens all we can do is say we’re sorry and move on with our lives, learning from where we’ve been and forgiving ourselves as God has forgiven us for what we’ve done. It’s wonderful to hear where you are now spiritually. Beautiful. Thank you.
October 24th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
The power of story is amazing – an understatement, but I am limited by language to express the gratitude I feel for finding this site and hearing these personal stories of brokenness and redemption. My own brick wall is crumbling for all of the same reasons. Some days I feel elated taking this different path, but sometimes I long for the certainty of the previous path. I am a mess, wandering back and forth in my mind and heart. But, I know I can’t go back to the way I have done things. And the road ahead sometimes scares the hell out of me. Something like scales have fallen off of my eyes and I don’t think I will ever look at Christianity the same way. I have been bound by expectations of how I should live. I have suffered many fractured relationships with women I have loved as a result. Falling in love, but both of us believeing this isn’t “Godly” so we fight to just be friends and it never works. So we separate and then it happens again. And the shame that has pursued me as a result…so I am starting afresh. Trying to rediscover my faith, rediscover Jesus and discover myself for the first time in almost 40 years.
I have been a part of conservative Christianity for 20 years as an adult. Thankfully I never married, but sure worked hard to be heterosexual. I will lose many relationships and I will lose respect from those Christians I labored along side in various ministries and places I worked. That disappointment pains me to think about. But that is one of my problems, wanting approval. So in dealing with my sexuality I am having to face that need and surrender. I needed to face this long ago, but the Christian community I have been part of really doesn’t know what to do with authenticity. They say they want it, but when it happens, it scares them and they need to fix it because it isn’t pretty. I don’t want to be fixed anymore. I just want to be authentic, integrated and loved. And hopefully in that space, whatever truly needs fixing will be tended to gently and graciously.
Thank you Anita for the time you put into this site. It helps. It really does.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I have spent a great deal of time this week thinking about this post. The description of a wall tumbling down is such a powerful image and metaphor for our lives. I have been hesitant to add to this tread because my story seems so different from most of the people here. Yet I could not get this image out of my head this week. Thank you Anita for both this amazing web site and the powerful words that you are able to share with us.
My own personal wall was torn down about 15 years ago. At this time I was very involved in a Pentecostal church, even attending a private school sponsored by the church. From the time I was small (5 or so) I knew that I liked girls better than boys and that I could not understand why I was not allowed to do boy things. This is something I fought all through grade school and high school. Add to that being thrust from zero religion to immersion in the Pentecostal religion at the age of 10. Immersed is the only way I can describe it. I was the model kid… head of the youth council for the church, a Missionettes (all my badges) and so one. All sounds good right, and it was for a time.
Until I started to ask questions, not questions about sexuality, was still to unsure about that… no I was asking questions about the Bible, about history and about other religions. As anyone who spent time in this environment can imagine this was not well received, by the church or by my parents. I was often told to stop asking question and just believe. This did not set well with me; I kept trying to figure out what they were hiding. What was so wrong about asking questions? Would it not be better for me to have a firm foundation of my faith, instead of just spitting out the party line? And really maybe at this time my faith was not as strong as I wanted it to be… I had a lot of questions. I was unable to accept anymore the spoon-feed ideas of what I should believe because that is what they believed and they were right.
It was here that my wall of faith was dismantled. Because the more I asked questions the more questions I had to ask. I was not able to accept the status quo… I wanted and needed to know for myself what I believed in. So at the age of 18 I left the church, came out to my family and until last month I had not been to church since. My family and I have mended some fences, but we still have a ways to go (they are still very involved in a Pentecostal church. Time does an amazing job of softening the hard edges of relationships. I have not reconciled with any of my former friends from high school or the church, but I realized a long time ago it was their loss not mine.
What does this all mean? Well in the years in between then and now I have lived my life very out and very open. I refused to hide a part of myself to make others happen. I began a journey to find my own faith, to build my own foundation brick by brick if I had too. It has been “a long strange trip” but one I do not regret taking. I have found a passion for the study of different religions, of history and sociology. All of these things help me to find my answers and become more secure in my faith. In all of this, while I may not have been a good “Christian girl” I have never been unfaithful to my own self. And for me that was most important thing to for my own survival.
Now today I am still building my foundation of faith at the journey has lead me back to church, back to a fuller acceptance of God in my life and coming out as a Christian. (Anyone else see the irony in that?)
I have enjoyed all the personal stories that have been shared. It is amazing to see where everyone is in their walk and how they respond to God and each other. For those who are at the cusp of their “wall” falling down, I would like to offer words of encouragement as well as my prayers. Rebuilding a wall can be difficult and frustrating but in the end I think you will find that it is a project well worth having done. (Just like building a real wall.)
Hope this didn’t ramble too much… just really felt the need to share.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
And so, I have long been one of “those” Christians. You know, the ones who do not believe in the dogmas against one person or another. Even as I have participated in a most restrictive and judgmental church community, I’m one of “those” Christians who believe that the law of Love trumps the rule of law. I have kept this largely hidden, avoiding the requests to preach against this or that. But the “us” Christians have known, and not completely trusted me .. I’m the one who will stand in the church parking lot with the smokers and laugh and joke and carry on just like they are one of “us.” It disturbs “us”. Although I will not “come out” to my local congregation as a lesbian (not if I can avoid it), I am certainly coming out as one of “them.”
So a thought about sin and compassion. Please hear my questioning .. I would like to hear your thoughts. As Jesus stopped the stoning of the woman caught in adultery, so Jesus would stop the stoning of so many others caught in transgression of the rule of law. Of this, I am certain.
But what does it mean to a lesbian to “go and sin no more.” Could it mean to go and be true to who I am? Or am I just choosing a convenient mental manipulation of the text, flooded with the current hermeneutic: that being true to oneself is to refrain from sin? That living falsely to the created “me” would be to remain in sin?
I have lived a life of intellectual rigor in regard to the Scripture, except in this area. I have been accepting of homosexuality in others, but not in myself. I have figured that God, who is so much bigger than me, has thoughts about being LGBT that are higher than my thoughts. And if I can find compassion and welcome, surely the bigger heart of God could find more of the same.
And so I am frozen here, looking up at the gentle hand of Jesus, reaching out to me .. With great compassion, his voice says to me “Neither do I condemn you .. Go and sin no more.” I want it to be the truth about Jesus, that he does not see my desire for women as sin, or I will have to refuse his hand.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Only a small crack…but small cracks make caves collapse – Alexander Solzhenitsyn
May God shake anything that can be shaken in me that I only see His truth living in me. Faith for me has been learning to trust the One Who created the answers.
No longer telling God what the answers are.
To each of you ladies thank you for sharing your stories, struggles and hopes. All of you amaze me in your courage and faith. If you have a time when all the walls seem to be caving in and you can’t ‘see’ through the dust come back here, and read your words again. You will be encouraged just as your words are encouraging others.
October 25th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I keep coming back to this blog.
I read your post this morning, PJ, and have been thinking of it all day. I also have gone through a process as you have mentioned here: “go and sin no more” type of thinking. For the very longest time that is what kept me in bondage; in a way. I think I misunderstood what Jesus was saying. I always felt like who I am is a sinful, awful person who had to keep living like a heterosexual to be right in God’s eyes. I was always asking God to forgive me for being myself. Although I wasn’t doing anything anyone could call gay, I knew in my heart I was not how everyone else was. I guess I lived my whole life like that…. yea… I did. I’ve come to realize that being lesbian has very little to do with the sex act and everything to do with the way I view the world. And, the way others view me. (whole different subject)
I have come to the place where I realized that who I am, in the core of my person, has to be who God expects me to be. It didn’t seem possible to me that God would have created me for destruction. How could that be?
As far as the sin issue goes, I don’t know. I’m sure if I went out to the gay bar and found someone to bring home, I would feel I had sinned. But I think that if God, in deed, has always seen me as a gay women, then there must be a place in relationship that is pleasing in His eyes, because I know he loves me and finds me pleasing.
That is how I see it so far. but I am constantly growing and realizing more. But, I pray to God I never allow myself to live in shame again for being who I am.
I am who I am and that is all I know how to be.
Peace-out.
October 25th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
GW –> And you are most welcome. In return thank you for your story because I know so many will relate to what you shared. There’s no question there’s a lot of grief and letting go involved in this part of the journey but the hope is out there, that the day will come when you won’t be “a mess”, your head and heart will be steady and your feet will be firmly planted again…not in any particular theology or set of Christian beliefs, but planted in the firmest foundation of all; that being the steadfast love of God and grace of Christ Jesus. I’m sorry for all the relationships that might come to an end in your life but equally I’ll rejoice with you in new friendships and communities of faith that will welcome you in the fullness of all that you are meant to be and know that you are. Thank you again for joining us here.
PJ–> I was reminded in reading your recent comment that tomorrow is Reformation Sunday, a time to remember Martin Luther when he dared to suggest that God’s love trumped everything. That boy and his compadre reformers rocked the church and were with you considered to be among them. Heretics in the name of grace isn’t such a bad thing to be, now is it? As to your question, it’s a good one and one that you and each of us must answer for ourselves. Here’s what I know. Whenever I had a thought or a glimpse of scripture that went against tradition teaching, the first thing I did was doubt my intention and distrust myself. Looking back, I realized that in distrusting myself to hear God’s spirit speaking to me, I was distrusting God’s ability to get through to me. That’s how powerful those traditional messages are and how firmly they’re set within us, that even when they don’t reflect honestly on our lives, we question our lives before we question them. PJ, you will never be put by God into a position where you would have to refuse him. I will never believe that God would reject one human for loving another human. God who created you, shaped you and breathed life into you will never reject you. If God would do that then the grace of God is less than Jesus lead us to believe. Keep working it through PJ.
Eliz–> Amen y amen.
Deb–> Yeh PJ, what Deb said!
October 26th, 2008 at 3:07 am
You wrote:
I raised my five year old hand to accept Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior
The interesting thing about that statement is that NO WHERE in the bible is that stated. It does say though that God the Father made Jesus BOTH Lord and Savior! An individual cannot make Jesus Lord and Savior! If we could then that would make us God! Jesus IS LORD of ALL to ALL and through ALL. Nothing mankind or religion can do to “unLord” Him.
He IS lord of ALL.
Now that is GOOD NEWS
Peace
Geo
October 26th, 2008 at 7:44 am
George–>I absolutely agree with you. My intention in using that particular phrase (and then italizing it) was to emphasize the mindset of the Christian tradition I had come from that encouraged the idea WE did an action that made Jesus our Savior/Lord, but the truth is that grace is free, given to all, withheld from none.
October 26th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Another well-written entry, Anita, that obviously resonates with so many people. Not only was I also raised in a conversative, evangelical Christian family and tradition, but I grew up to become the first woman pastor in the Pacific Northwest area in my denomination. I absolutely loved being a pastor — mostly I loved connecting people with God’s grace. I remember early on in my pastoral journey, someone asked me, “What’s it like being a pastor?” My answer? “It would be the greatest job in the word if it wasn’t for Christians.” I spent so much of my time trying to untangle the message of the “church” from the message of the Christ. And the irony? All along I was in a marriage with a very nice man with whom I shared a very nice roommate-type relationship, so I was living in the tangle msyelf. But there finally came a day when I could no longer face myself in the mirror — the cognitive disconnect between what my church believed and what I believed became too great. I used to teach pastor’s classes to people new to our church. Sometimes they would ask questions, and I would find myself answering, “Do you want to know what this church believes or what I believe?” Hard to live within that dissonance, and, frankly, unethical to represent an institution I was spiritually and emotionally leaving, even if only incrementally. So I left my church, my marriage, my career, but not my faith.
Probably the hardest part for me today is loss of community. I am at heart a Wesleyan by theology — and I know WAY too much, having been through so much education and personal exploration. Those denominations that would readily accept me as a lesbian do not feed me spiritually in a way that waters me deeply. In many ways, I consider myself a straight person who happens to be lesbian, if that makes any sense. If I found myself surrounded by all lesbian/gay people, I would not be comfortable — most of my closest friends who have journeyed with me through all of these changes are straight. So I still hunger for a church body where I can be fully myself and also find the spiritual meat with which my soul resonates. Sidebar: And that goes for music, too — hard to find some place where both hymns (my heritage) and worship songs are sung — why, oh why, does it have to be either/or?
So I welcome a group of misfits into my home every week — none of whom, by the way, happens to be gay — to explore the goodness of God together through scripture. All of these wonderful people have been burned by churches and long to believe that grace really exists. I do my best to get out of God’s way and give them a safe place to explore and question and find ways to live in the mystery.
And probably the hardest thing is being alone. Without community, how does one find another person with whom to share life who also loves God and is willing to walk alongside me in the mystery?
Wow! A lot of rambling here in a lot of areas, but let me just say, Anita, that your writing is beautiful and your words speak not only your own truth that the truth of others. Thank you for that.
October 26th, 2008 at 9:45 am
How helpful this site has been to me. Thank you.
As I “keep working through it”, Anita, I have now read all the posts and comments on the Bible and Homosexuality link. Being somewhat of a Biblical word nut, I appeciate your comments on proper exegesis and Paul’s use of some terms but not of others, and of the tremendous influence of culture on the Biblical writers.
In response to your 3 questions about when my awareness of desire for women occurred, I have to say that I am not an idolator (at least not in a primary sense .. specifically, “things” rise to primary that are not God, but then it’s only human to do that .. no problem with shaming myself there). So, I have not been “given over to earthly lusts” as a penalty for idolatry. In fact, all through my life, as I have moved into and out of an awareness of my sexuality, I have continually experienced great peace in my pursuit of God and in my pursuit of godly character. All summer, as this current “episode” of lesbian awareness has grown and become firm, I have still enjoyed Sunday worship in the same ways that I have always enjoyed singing before God. And, I have continued to be comforted by the Scriptures. And, my character of authenticity, compassion, generosity, kindness, etc. has not abandoned me. The Holy Spirit has still changed me and continues to empower me, even as I have had several very difficult “coming out” conversations. And, I am not afraid of God .. still concerned about the dogma regarding “sin”, but not afraid of God .. does that make sense?
About that sin dogma, as you post in the original post, what is my identity before God? Definitely, I am identifying as a lesbian. I am actively rearranging my life to make that a reality, no matter what the consequences to me in regard to the religious “right” (as in direction – to the right and conservative, rather than right vs wrong). There will be much to work through as I have raised my kids to also identify with that direction, but I am hopeful that will be worked through over time. My husband is very upset with me, but I am also hopeful that one day our friendship will return, although much changed. As for the church people, I will not fret for long over those who cannot or will not work through it with me. It’s not worth it .. and it’s not my job.
More to the point, what needs to be “worked through” with God, and Jesus? I suppose it is that internalized homophobia, and the long term teaching that Jesus is homophobic. In your metaphor of the wall, this brick seems to be hanging in there with tenacity. I don’t yet trust him but probably will eventually work through that. Your comments elsewhere that God’s silence to you, and to me this summer, on this issue rang true to me. Maybe it’s just not a dialogue that is important to God. As if, when I torment myself with worries of rejection by God, God’s silence to me is God’s acceptance of me. And the peace that I feel as I have come out to myself and have entered a lesbian relationship is actually God’s assurance that it’s okay .. that I’m okay .. that God created me, has always known this about me, and has always accepted the real me. Peace has always been the voice of God to me, and why not allow that to be true in this as well? Even when I was unfaithful to this truth; he has remained faithful to me, patiently waiting for me to be brave enough to accept it all.
I will sit with these thoughts for awhile. Not quite frozen before the hand of Jesus, but not ready to grasp it either. Trusting in a little more patience at least.
October 26th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I am pretty new to this web site and this is my first reply. I have spent the last several weeks ready and enjoying all of the writings.
I too was raised in a very conservative church, and denied my ‘gayness’ since the age of 18. I am now 47. I began my journey of living as a gay christian 2 1/2 years ago. Your words and faith are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your life.
Lori
October 27th, 2008 at 7:01 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W14DHWFxOmg
October 27th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Susie–> I related very closely with parts of your story since in my own pastoral ministry I left a church and a denomination when I was no longer able to be loyal to a system that I didn’t believe was being true to the gospel message and the concern had nothing to do around the gay issue. I also understand your sense of frustration and grief over not finding a community that would welcome you and at the same share your theological sense and liturgical/worship style. That was a huge loss for me as well and for so many others. All I can share is that in my experience after a long dry season, I came to a place where I found I was able to once again connect in worship even though the songs and style were different and in terms of theology, I found a progressive congregation where Christ is central at the table and yet the theology is open in ways that allow people from the wide expanse of Christian form and thought to engage meaningful. For D and I, the key was the table. I so admire you for moving forward and providing a community for ragamuffins (ala Brennan Manning) and for those, straight or gay, who have left the church from disillusionment and spiritual wounding. While you express a loss of being in community, it sounds as though one is shaping up around you in your own living room and who knows how far God make take what has already begun.
PJ–> How wonderful to hear the strength in your words and the insights you’re gaining along the way. I really loved reading all that you wrote. Thank you.
Lori–> I’m so glad you found the website and that it’s been an encouragement to you. If you’re looking for more online support and friendships, please check out our community forum at http://www.sisterfriends-together.org/forum.
DL—> Thanks for the link!