Assimilation, Queer Identity, or You
May 27, 2008
In the early 1950’s a network of gay and lesbian organizations began a movement to end discrimination against homosexuals known as the Homophile Movement, a term chosen for its’ emphasis on romantic relationships rather than sexual activity; phile (love) from Greek. The Homophile Movement sought to promote an acceptable image to the public so they could identify more empathetically with homosexuals and with this in mind, a strict dress code for those participating in public actions was implemented: women were to be in dresses and men in collared shirts with neckties. The implied message was that while we might love someone of the same sex, we’re not all that different from you
These early activists, predating Stonewall and Gay Liberation, paved the way for the freedom that GLBTQ people enjoy and continue to seek to advance to this day. They were brave and brilliant people.
In the years that followed, as the Homophile Movement spread across the nation and onto college campuses, and with the rise of Gay Liberation and other contemporary activist groups, the emphasis moved from gay assimilation (fitting in to the wider culture) to embracing a unique gay identity that refused to conform to societal norms and institutions. Gay Liberation, Stonewall, Queer Nation and Act Up all pushed GLBTQ people to reject the status quo in every aspect of life from appearance to politics and ever since those early days an internal debate has been bubbling among various camps within the GLBTQ community; do we integrate into society or create a separate identity that stands apart from it. It’s complicated conversation packed with political and socio-cultural implications and like a good little lesbian I should probably care about it all but I have to admit I care but not so much
What I know is that as GLBTQ people each of us is first an individual before we’re a part of a bigger community and as such we should have the freedom to be whoever we are and to live a life that most authentically reflects that without being critiqued or criticized from either direction. Be radically queer and reject all conformity, raging against the system and stirring up the waters if that’s who you are. Move to the suburbs with your same-sex spouse and 2.3 cats if that’s who you are. Be who you are and stake out your own identity while you let others be who they are and self-identify as they will. As though there aren’t bigger causes for us to direct our time and energy to than getting everyone to look, think, and act just like us.
I wish someone would have told me that about 12 years ago because I’d been out for no more than 23 minutes than I started putting on the gay. Now, let’s break down a myth here. Lesbians don’t actually go out into the straight world and try to woo straight girls into our special secret club. No. Instead professional lesbians wait for new members to join of their own volition and then take it upon themselves to train up the lesbian newcomer in the art of being a lesbian. At least I had a friend like that who one day while looking at my chosen footwear procured from the sales rack at FootLocker, informed me with a slow resigned shake of the head that any self-respecting lesbian with tomboyish leanings wore Dr. Martens. Armed with her wisdom in my back pocket I replaced my cheap sneaks with a forty pound pair of Dr. Marten black leather lace up boots. So what if they gave me blisters on my big toe the size of an 8 month old infant! They were what lesbians wore and so I laced up those big bad blister boys, slipped my rainbow-colored “Yes, I Am” teeshirt over my head, and made my giddy-gay way right into Tower Records where I bought every Melissa Etheridge and Indigo Girls CD in stock. As I remember they had a rather hefty inventory.
After several months of being a groupie of all things gay and lesbian I realized all I was putting on wasn’t anymore a reflection of who I genuinely was, than it was all those years I sat among my Christian women friends and talked about men and makeup as though I cared about either. I nodded. I agreed. I smiled knowingly as each woman contributed her opinion on why men were the way they were when in reality it was all so unrelated to my universe that I might as well have been sitting in on a gathering of Lithuanian-speaking Mensa members. While they were my friends and I loved them like crazy there was a gapping disconnect between their world and mine. In some ways I was only pretending which is what probably propelled me so full-speed ahead into putting on the gay. With the awareness I was gay suddenly the disconnect I’d always felt made sense and for the first time I finally knew those to whom I belonged and I wanted to connect with them in every way possible to tighten my bond to them and strengthen my identity. I’m not saying I did any of this consciously but looking back I think that’s what was behind it. I put on external things and internal values that weren’t really me so I could more fully belong at last.
It seems a natural progression for many of us to go through a time of trying on gay. Consider it a rite of passage that can be fun, exciting, and a little scary. I’m not judging it, just commenting on it and offering the thought that in the end we each need to be true to ourselves and not worry about how that looks to others. Wear Dr. Martins or Birkenstocks if you like them. Listen to Melissa until your woofers and tweeters explode if that’s your music. Subscribe to Ms. Magazine or Good Housekeeping. Be politically active or don’t be. Carry a purse or stuff all your earthly possessions into the back pocket of your jeans. Just understand that gay has a thousand faces and a thousand lifestyles as does straight and you don’t have to jump from one box into another or put on anything that isn’t you.
Even while I’m writing this I’m wondering if Christianity didn’t teach us something about the pressure to conform. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not wondering. The evidence is in and so maybe that influences part of language was spiced with church lingo, what we believed was determined by church doctrine, we said “yes” to what the church approved and said “no” to what the church opposed. And yes, we even dressed like Christians, complete with slogany teeshirts and coordinating car bumper stickers. Ironic. The Apostle Paul encouraged believers to “put on Christ” (Romans 13:14) and “be imitators of God” (Ephesians 5:1) and somehow we’ve confused that for putting on Christian. Big difference, tragic though that might be. This is all striking me as so fascinating though I doubt I’m expressing it very well or that I’m even able at the moment to untangle it for myself. I’m just pondering the correlation between putting on the church and putting on the gay, how putting on either of them or both of them distracts me from just being me. Messy, holy, human me.
Again I’m just thinking out loud here and perhaps only for the benefit of myself but maybe if we all just spent less time putting on the gay, the church, the conservative, the liberal, the this, the that, and put on Christ we’d find out who we really are and who we really want to be.
Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity
May 28th, 2008 at 4:49 am
Ha Ha!! I loved this, you are so right. In fact, I did just that, “put on gay” tried to jump in and fit it. I remember a friend telling me that I was “soft butch” I laughed and thought to myself, “oh great so more labels”. I began to dress according to what she described and how she herself dressed, etc. Sure it was comfortable and it also put the label out there visually and during my hurt and anger stage that was just fine with me.
It’s been neat to watch the progression though as I’ve realized who I am and how little I’ve actually changed and that includes the way I dress as well. I put on whatever I feel like wearing that day. Be it a girly shirt or a golf shirt. Some days I may look feminine and others I may look like a tomboy, either way I’m just me. I don’t fit either label.
I’ve kinda thought and wondered why I have gone through the different stages that I have in regards to how I present myself, and I think it really just boils down to my inside reflecting on the outside. The confusion and uncertainty that I was dealing with inside was showing through by my exterior expressions as well.
Patience eh? Ahhh!!!! Thanks for this post!
May 28th, 2008 at 8:35 am
“Putting on Christ” vs. “Putting on Christian.” You hit me hard with that one. And deeply.
I think the image is even more clearly shown by those who try to fit into certain “non-denominational” movements, like the Vineyard, Calvary Chapel, or Harvest Fellowship, where the members take on a careful casual persona, peppered with a sort of in-group churchy lingo that we all swallowed with our all-the-proceeds-go-to-missions lattes, available in the foyer. We have our own music, our own radio stations, our own publishing houses, our own little gated communities. Indeed, we no longer have to “go into all the world” because all we need is in our Christian enclave, that we put on so that we don’t have to put up with anything that might rub up against us uncomfortably so that like iron sharpens iron, we become better persons.
I don’t want to draw any too sharp analogy, but this is worrisome to me in any setting where people create their own little ghetto of like-minded individuals. We put on a certain identity, lose ourselves in the herd, and then never do we feel any need to better the world, to spread the transcendent love of God. Peter was talking about forgiveness, but I think the idea translates to love: you love the lovable, and so what? Even the pagans do this. What honor or praise is in this? It is in loving the (seeming) unlovely that the grace and majesty of God is truly manifest. But we can only do that when we are willing to give our honest selves to God, and to step outside our paper-doll facades. Thanks so much for the space and impetus to muse!
May 28th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Bon–> I can’t add anything to your comments because you’re spot on and have clearly revealed yourself as one all too personally familiar with the insider shenanigans of Club Christ. I think of how many years I lived an insulated by the world of the church while the rest of the world Christ called us to love stood just outside the doors. Thanks for once again taking my long meanderings and getting right to the heart of where I was circling!
May 28th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I go to a Vineyard Church and my pastor “nakedpastor” from Anita’s blog roll, is so against the whole “like-minded” “herd” type of Christianity. I guess it’s true maybe when they say, that we are unlike any other Vineyard church.. not sure. But ya made me think, thank you.
And I definately do not want to do church or put on christian like that!!!!! I am sure I’ve fallen into it over the years though.
Thanks Bon for your thots.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Joni –> Yep, you can never get enough labels, can you? Could you imagine a world where there were none and where people were just known by their name and for how they were in the world? No, neither can I but we can dream, can’t we? I really liked what you wrote about your clothes changing from day to day and while that can just be fun, it can also be a reflection of all the ebbs and flows that are happening internally and that all of those can and are really just who we are. It’s just that there’s so may facets to each of us we can’t show it and wear it all at the same time. But you go with that golf shirt girl! I’m more a Nat Nast bowling shirt girl myself
May 28th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I have never heard of a Nat Nast shirt… just googled it and yeah I like those!! I definately prefer a button up anything.
Yes what a dream it would be to be label free and known for who we simply ARE.
I’ve been reflecting since I had posted that previous post and it is a good thing that I do switch up what I wear. I have always dared to be different, so I guess it’s just that whole, “keep ‘em on their toes” “keep ‘em guessing” kinda thing. lol
And for me ALWAYS, what is happening to me spiritually manifests itself physically. What God is doing on the inside ends up affecting my outside. When I’m feeling good about who I am I dress completely different then when I am having a hard time accepting myself. etc… you know how it is, I’m sure.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Great post, Anita. I’m a newcomer not only to your blog but to the “gay community,” having recently come out to at least part of my world as someone in leadership at my church and in my mid 30s. I’m sure you can imagine the bumpy road I’ve been on, but in the process the Lord, certain friends [some rather surprising!], and things like your blog have been a lifesaver. So thank you for what you’re doing.
I found this post to be particularly relevant and really funny where I’m at right now. I’ve recently learned that I’m a “femme” even though I’ve driven a Jeep for years, worn Birkenstocks, etc, without knowing that these apparently are codes screaming “lesbian”–honestly I just like Jeeps and certain sandals and wasn’t aware I was fitting into some kind of category. So I’m going through this period of just trying to be “me”–though who that is is sort of up in the air to a degree right now. I love God with everything in me and don’t want to give up on the part of me that I consider best–my faith, and yet I’ve felt such rejection and misunderstanding by people in the church that I’ve really struggled to separate the voice of the Spirit from the voice of very fallible [and yet well-intentioned] people who love God. Wow. I could go on and on, but just know that I look forward to reading your blog and it’s making a difference in my life as I walk through this season especially.
May 30th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Lisa –> Welcome to SisterFriends….in more ways than one it seems! And yes, I think I have some idea of how bumpy the road has been for you for the reason that your current denomination was the same denomination I was raised in along with all my family members who remain there still. I went to their Bible college and was a licensed minister with them for 15 years so I know the milieu of [4] inside and out. I feel greatly for the rejection and misunderstanding that must be coming your way from people within the church and when I say my heart is with you, I mean it sincerely.
Anyway Lisa, whatever unfolds at the church, please hold tight to knowing you need never give up your faith because bottom line, your faith is about you and God and no other. Not that we don’t all long for a supportive community but the personal relationship each of us share with God through Christ Jesus depends on nothing or no one else. Hold fast to the One who has no intention to ever let you go!