Born Again and Born Gay

January 1, 2006

Discovering I was a gay woman arrived rather early at the age of 15. I am now 37. I encountered my first relationship in high school which was both exciting and terrifying at once. Fear, confusion, love, than deep loneliness at having to keep the big secret. I actively pursued being true to my orientation throughout high school and college with the help of older gay role models. My devout Catholic parents became aware of me at the age of 21, threw me out of our home and disowned me. Yes, I began to realize, that pursuing truth was full of obstacles. (At this point I still did not know the Lord.)

A car packed with my belongings, no home, no job, I journeyed to Boston to begin a new life. It was here in beautiful New England, that a kind elderly lady introduced me to the possibility of a relationship with Jesus Christ. Up until this point, I had only religion, which produced far more conflict and pain than a true knowledge of God. This kind woman read to me from the Gospels and taught me about Jesus, and like a magnet I was drawn to this Jesus whom I discovered was God. She was not phased in the least at my being gay. She radiated the Love of the Lord, and I wanted what she had. We all need someone like her in our lives.

In November 1984, I became a “New Creation In Christ.” At age 25, my entire view of life changed from the inside out. Now a dilemma! Now that I had encountered the Lord and given my life to Him, what would become of all the decisions I made up to this point without Him? Would being a gay woman still fit into this new life?

The next few years would prove to be excruciating and full of turmoil. I wanted only to please the One who has given me life, but my fellow Christians were convinced that gay was not in God’s will. I pursued celibacy for several years only to find myself in an extreme depression from loneliness. The Lord sustained me. I began to date men. After all, I had never done so since I came out at such a young age. I desired to have family, children and a large extended family. I met a Christian man who loved and accepted me as I was. Surely this was a sign from God to pursue a hetero-marriage. So I did, much to my later regret. A church wedding, gowns, reception, the whole nine yards. You can imagine the joy and relief in my parents heart. Well, needless to say, the marriage quickly deteriorated into much pain and conflict for both of us. We prayed, went to counseling. I asked the Lord each day, “please, help me make this new life work.” The Lord answered that prayer but not in the manner I was seeking. To no avail and many tears, we divorced after three years.

The Lord had brought me through this experience and demonstrated to me how important it is to live in the truth, not a lie. My identity as a gay person did not change because I altered the exterior circumstances. I was distant from the Lord because of my denial and repression of who He made me to be. My friends, this I know, having uncovered every stone, “We are truly Born Gay and Born Again” to be used for the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. The persecution we endure, the loneliness we encounter can only serve to deepen the intimacy between us and our Lord. He knows and understands our struggles. He walked that path also. I am now sharing my life with a beautiful Christian woman in a lovely home that we open to those in need of the Lord’s love. Yes, I have trials and tribulations and the burden of loneliness due to lack of acceptance within the church. But I put my hope in Him who has overcome the world. Live your life in Him. Receive his presence in your heart and soul every day. Read the Word faithfully as God’s love letter to you. Access the many resources for gay Christians who want to study the Bible but cannot due to past condemnation. Remember, the Author loves you very much and desires to feed his gay children from the milk of the Word. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, yes that includes you, his gay child. May the peace of Christ be with you.

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 1999.

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