Bridging the Gap
June 23, 2009
Today’s post is part of a larger initiative of more than 50 bloggers, all sharing their thoughts on how to “bride the gap” between people on the topic of faith and sexuality. You can find the links of other bloggers participating in this undertaking at Bridging the Gap, an outreach of New Directions Ministries of Canada. In the near future I will be providing a review of their interactive DVD resource, Bridging the Gap: Conversations on Befriending Our Gay Neighbors (clips available here), along with a blog interview with Wendy VanderWal Gritter, the National Director of New Directions.
Okay. That was the very official sounding introductory blurb. Now let me just talk to you who follow this blog regularly for a minute; those of you who feel fairly banged up and battered emotionally and spiritually by some within the church over the issue of homosexuality. You know where I stand on the issue of homosexuality. I’m a lesbian who is happily married to the finest of women and I’m a Christian who is committed heart, soul, and mind to God through Christ Jesus. Though today’s blog is part of a bigger project and in participating we’ve been encouraged to not defend a particular position I could never in good conscious hold back from sharing up front that a personal relationship with God is available to all who seek God; gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, queer, same-sex attracted or confused. I have to go through this little bit first on the off-chance that someone would chance upon this blog today for the first time in desperate need of hearing that God loves them just as they are. Here’s a word from my heart to yours free of agenda or hidden motive. The word is this; be assured that right now in this very moment God loves you. You always have been and you always will be, and there is nothing you can do or become that will make you more or less worthy of that love. You are God’s beloved, precious and cherished in His sight. Please hear that and take it in as deep as you can allow it.
After having said all that for the one person who might stumble across this blog today, this post isn’t about being a gay Christian. Neither is this post about ex-gay ministries or gay-affirming congregations or about the issue of homosexuality within the church today. It’s not even about differing opinions on faith and sexuality or the Bible and homosexuality but instead it’s about how we are to embody honor and respect in our conversations and relationships with those with whom we may disagree on the topic of homosexuality.
Let me be clear about something. To possess a willingness to enter into a conversation with someone else means having a shared commitment to listen to them as much as having them listen to you and we all know fully well there are those on both sides of the gap who have no interest in conversation but instead are given only to diatribes that wound and destroy. I would suggest that for the time being we put those folks to the side; not that we forget about them, or write them off as impossible but instead we begin by turning our attention and energy to one another; to those on the other side of the gap who are equally committed as we are to meeting in the middle; not in the sense of compromising our convictions but in the sense of approaching the other from a place of compassion and grace that says, “Despite our differences you are my brother, you are my sister. Know me and let me know you.” When we who share that same commitment can find a way to come together in Christ then together we can reach out to the edges, to those stuck in their agendas and deafened by their own rhetoric and through our unified spirit and in the Spirit’s power and love draw them in.
So. Here we are. We’re standing here on this side, they’re standing over there on that side, and the place we want to come together is in the middle where Christ is calling us to meet one another. How do we do it? I mean really. How do we take that first step in their direction when we’re all too aware of the risk involved, the all too familiar risk of being rejected and ridiculed, of having words of hate targeted at us, of being patronized and stereotyped or judged and condemned? How about this as a starting off point? How about casting our vision toward the people on the other side of the gap and seeing that for them there’s no less risk than there is for us. We’re all making ourselves vulnerable to one another, willing to risk being hurt by the other for the hope that a community of mutual love and respect can be born and nurtured up among us. As Christians we follow Christ who led by his love for God and the other was forever crossing bridges at incredible risk and had he not take that risk time and again, the blind would never have healed, the leper never restored to community, and the outcast and sinners would have forever been left alone at the table. It makes me wonder what healing and reconciliation we’re preventing in the lives of ourselves and others by hesitating in stepping forward, let alone what incredible glimpses of the invisible kingdom could be seen by all the world were we to step forward with open hearts and hands. Risking all for this moment to lose nothing in the end.
And for me, there’s one basic truth underlying what I just wrote that I keep coming back to every time I’m not sure if I want to bother to keep trying or to reach out again or to stay in the conversation. It’s just this; that what we have in common with one another is more than what divides us. Okay. I got it. They think homosexuality is a sin and that same-sex relationships aren’t God’s ideal for humanity while they think we’re being intolerant and exclusionary in who we welcome and don’t welcome into the church. I’m not minimizing the harm in either position but really folks, for the greater good, that being God’s glory, and the witness of Christ’s church in the world, could we let all that go and focus instead on what we share together? How about these for a start?
1. We’re all human. At least on our good days.
2. We’re all created and loved by God.
3. we’re all of equal worth and value.
4. We’re all equally flawed and messy.
5. We all desire to do what’s right before God.
And then 6 through 10,000 would cover the gambit from we all want to be loved and to love, to none of us want to be seated next to a screaming baby on an international flight. Make your own list by looking at your fears and joys, at your greatest desires and expectations and then attributing them to the other; that one over there on the other side near the edge of the bridge. If I can look across the gap and see him or her as God’s very own, then I stand of chance of being part of what God so longs to do among us; that we would let go of all our judgments of the other and of our need to be right and for them to be wrong, and just allow God to be God, extending Divine compassion and mercy as equally in their lives as God has shown time and again in mine.
I don’t know. Maybe I missed the point of what this whole synchroblog on “Bridging the Gap” was intended to be about, but then again, i’m still trying to figure out what “synchroblog” means anyway.
Posted in Christian Living and Faith, Christian Unity, Perspectives
June 24th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate this (especially this: “We’re all human. At least on our good days.”).
June 24th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Anita – I so wish we lived in the same city so I could give you a big hug and then buy you a coffee
Thank you for risking from where you are and for so consistently holding out the unconditional, lavish, generous love of God. I’m so grateful to know you.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Found your blog today through the Bridging the Gap discussion. I’ll be back again to read more. A number of people from various crossroads in my life are involved in the ‘discussion’ today, yet as a Christian who is also lesbain, I come to these blogs with not a little trepidation. I come to them, fearing that despite the intentions of the organizers, it will be hijacked by those on a mission to denounce and ‘convert’ those of ‘us’ who are queer. Thanks for your wise words.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Thank you so much for your willingness to be honest and transparent in what you write here. I’ve not read your blog before but will be reading it in the future. I’m learning how to cross that divide between evangelical Christian (me) and the gay community (where my daughter has been living for 2 plus years). It’s been a painful and difficult period, but the things we learn best are those that cost us the most.
I say I’m learning because I’m not there yet but I truly, truly want to. And when I don’t get it right, which seems inevitable some days, I want the opportunity to try again. It’s good to know there are people on the other side of the gap who are willing to extend a hand to those of us who for so long worked at patching up and maintaining walls that kept “others” out and “us” in. I want to break through the wall.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Lillian—> Thank you for stopping by. I had to add the “at least on our good days” in consideration of a few days I’ve had myself. Let’s just say, they weren’t pretty!
Wendy—> Thanks for the risk you’ve taken time and again yourself Wendy. There’s more than ample evidence that the risk has often come at a cost for you but still you continue because in your heart there’s no other way for you. I can’t but admire that and thank God for your willingness to go to that place.
Amy—> I’m so glad you found my blog and please know that I totally get the trepidation you feel. Even without knowing your story I would imagine what you’re feeling makes perfect sense given your own experiences. I think the biggest risk of all that we ever offer to anyone is taking them at their word, trusting that what they say they truly mean. That’s so hard to do and while I think its only wisdom to move casually and slowly forward, I just can’t imagine not moving at all. I don’t want my fear or suspicious to paralyze me and so we move tenuously forward and yes, we know it might come at a risk but we equally know that whatever we risk, God is there is hold us, heal us, and carry us through should the worst befall us. I suppose in the end what I’m really saying is that our faith and trust is less in others than in God who will be there at our side.
Wende–>I suppose it’s easier for me than for others to reach across to the other side because I was the other side for many years and still have my own foot there in terms of possessing an evangelical faith as well as having all my family and many friends located there to this day. I pray, sincerely, that you and your daughter’s relationship will ultimately deepen and grow through this time in our lives and that both of you will be able to accept one another where you are and love each other as you are.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:56 am
thanks – this may be the most sincere word i uttered for almost 2 years now. 2 years of pain and hurts… been a christian for more than 2 decades, same length of years of cnfusion bout my sexuality… Until in 2007 i met and fell in love with a woman who made me accept who i am and gave me the strength to come out (although my family still doesn’t know because im overseas) but its not without a price- i lost friends, ministry, and alienated from church friends who are dear to me. I even learn that our ministry head discourages members to invite me to attend services n gatherings, which led to more questions why- even more painful as i answer ‘why’… now i know am not alone, now i know someone understands, now i appreciate GODS unconditional love- by loving and accepting someone like me- thats all that matters now. I say again THANKS
June 24th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
My sister,
Good words, all of them. You are a fantastic writer.
I particularly liked this: “How about casting our vision toward the people on the other side of the gap and seeing that for them there’s no less risk than there is for us. We’re all making ourselves vulnerable to one another, willing to risk being hurt by the other for the hope that a community of mutual love and respect can be born and nurtured up among us.”
Gospel can never happen unless there is vulnerability and risk. And you’ve articulated that so well.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I appreciate the 5 points you posted.
Especially the one you said, We’re all human. At least on our good days.
Sister in Christ,
Sarah <
June 25th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Anita:
Always enjoy your style of expressing the truth to both sides of the fence…a beautiful piece that not only reveals where we’re still at, but a common ground for us to bridge that gap.
Write on!
Diane
June 25th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Anita – I enjoyed your post and think you demonstrated the point of the synchroblog perfectly – in other words “you got it girl”. I will be back to read more of your blog and the positive messages.
Wende – My heart goes out to you. I have a son who is gay – if you’d like to check out my story called “Choosing Love – One Mom’s Story” you can find it here http://queermergent.wordpress.com/category/liz/
June 25th, 2009 at 7:27 am
thank you for joining in the synchroblog. as a ‘follower’ by nature it sure got me thinking about bridging the gap by taking the first step – first.
June 25th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Hi Anita – I really love what you wrote, and agree that any reaching out involves risk. However, I’ve been thinking about this since yesterday, and I very much believe that the risk is much, much greater to the gay person – emotionally, especially. At the end of the day, the anti-gay heterosexual is not the one being condemned, ridiculed or assaulted for who they are. They are not the ones being “asked”/”forced” to change a key component of their personality and internal make-up. They climb into bed at night possibly angry, upset or spriritually challenged by their beliefs only – not by who they are. Their turmoil only involves the “other.” We are the other. We are the ones whose deepest parts of our souls are abused and wrecked by people (sometimes ourselves too) with a conditioned belief system – one so many of us were raised with. But now it comes home to us in the most personal way and we must deal with that belief system all the while trying to grow and live into who God created us to be, with the homosexual orientation s/he gifted us with . The mileage to the “middle” is not equal in any way.
I feel truly blessed to have been given a homosexual orientation, even with all of the struggles with family-of-origin and with our general society. I love who God made me to be, and my sincere hope is that all people can come to the understanding that they, in fact, may not understand, but that it’s really not about them directly. It’s about loving each other as brother and sister and trusting God’s spirit in each gay person they meet.
June 25th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Laura–> Thank you for these words!!! Oh, I absolutely agree that the risk we’re talking about isn’t the same and that yes, having the risk center on being attacked for something that’s core to our personhood and identity takes it to a whole other level that only those who stand where we stand can fully understand. At the same time Laura I resist comparing one risk against the other because I really can only speak to the place where I stand and the risk involved for me/us, and not them. Honestly, I don’t know what it’s like to be called a hater and a bigot because my convictions compel me to understand homosexuality as sin and destructive to those involved in, and please note I’m using quotations marks, “the gay lifestyle.” I don’t know if the mileage to the middle is the same or different. I only know it’s miles that have to be crossed for there to be any hope for the church and for those queers who will follow us, that their road will be easier than it has been for us and those who came before us. As to your last paragraph, I can say nothing more than “Amen and Amen!” There’s more to say around all this and I intend to do so in the coming days. I hope you will too.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Liz–> I’m so glad you stopped by and hope you feel free to comment in the future should you read something that strikes a cord in you. I just read your story over at QueerMergent and was so moved by your honesty and love for your son and your commitment to search for an understanding of the scriptures that spoken truly to you. I have most definitely added your blog to my regular reads as well.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Diane–> Thank you so much. Won’t it be a grand day indeed when rather than bridging the gap, we can break down the fence once and for all? In God I’m hoping and trusting.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Sarah–> And that’s where it starts…in our humanity. We need to see each other as human, rather than as positions or sides, or gay or straight.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Mark–>I appreciated your blog post as well and thank you not only for the voice you added yesterday but your involvement in the DVD project. Jesus was all about vulnerability and risk. Because of his divinity I think we sometimes think he had a “hall pass” on all that when nothing could have ever been farther from the truth? We risk whether we step forward or not and so better to risk moving forward than refusing to budge from a spot that offers no chance for grace to do what grace does best.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Pooh–>As one who knows those losses personally as well, I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. None of it was necessary and none of it was right and even the best intentions and motives that led people to distance themselves from you are no excuse for the rejection you’ve felt from a faith community that was to welcome you as Christ has welcomed them. At the same time, please know there are many Christians and churches that would rush to embrace you, your life and your ministry. And until you find yourself among them remember that it’s true, you are never alone in this. There are many GLBTQ Christians who know your journey because they’ve walked it themselves and have come to understand in the deepest places of their being that God loves them not in spite of who or what they are but because of who and what they are….a child of God, created by God’s own hand, fashioned in God’s own likeness. That includes you!
June 26th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
How can I thank you more? How can I thank and praise Him more and more, as I learn to embrace His Amazing Grace and His Love!!! And learn to accept ME… God bless you Anita and to all the wonderful bros and sisters who read and visit this site and Anita’s blogs.
June 26th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Pooh–> If anything here inspired you to embrace God’s love for you then nothing is needed in the way of thanks….that’s more than enough. And when it comes to finding a way to show your thanks to God for his love and grace, all God would ask is that you walk and live and thrive and delight in His love as you extend what you have received with others. So glad to receive your note this evening and hear of your joy. Hold it close to you because whether the feelings come or go, ebb or flow, God’s love will remain constant and continual.
June 28th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Thank you, Anita. I wrote a little bit ago about a friend who had gone from being on one side of the gap to jumping over to the other without looking back, and leaving me feeling a bit stranded on the other side. Our friendship had ended with harsh words, wounded hearts and closed doors. After many failed attempts to reconcile, I believed she had simply moved on… shut off her heart, to protect herself maybe…
After reading this blog Wed, I tried one last time to extend my hand, risking my heart, knowing that I could be left hurting even more than before. And I am happy to say that she extended her hand in return. I don’t know how to build a bridge (never been to home depot, contrary to public opinion), but I am certain if all the judgement and doubt is left behind and our focus is in trusting God, listening to each other, and listening to our hearts, we won’t be left stranded on either side.
June 28th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Melissa—> Now that I’ve stopped laughing over your lack of Home Depot exposure, I want to let you know how I admire you for taking the initiative to reach out to your friend yet again and while I hope for both your sakes that you can find a way to ground your friendship in what you have in common rather than where you differ, at least you can know that you did your part. We cross a bridge and extend our hand and then wait to see what greets us. Sometimes reconciliation is possible. Sometimes it’s not and the best thing for both people is to let go of the relationship, wish each other well, and say goodbye, but that an effort was made, that God was given space and ground to have a chance to do the work of healing and reconciliation is the best any of us can do and what I personally believe, God asks of us to do. Anyway, thank you so much for following up by sharing this with me…and us.
September 4th, 2009 at 10:12 am
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