And this little lesbian has never participated in an ex-gay program. Never registered for one of their conferences. Never looked through the yellow pages for a counselor in reparitive therapy. Never worshiped in a church with an outreach ministry committed to “providing healing and restoration for the homosexual.” The closest I ever came to any type of ex-gay anything was in reading a handful of ex-gay stories back in the days when God and I first started talking seriously about my own sexual orientation and even back then when I was raw and hurting and struggling internally I couldn’t find any connection between my life experience and those detailed by individuals who had left the homosexual lifestyle. I no more related to their lives than had I been reading about the life of the Japanese Fire Belly Newt and I say this with no disrespect intended to the Japanese Fire Belly Newt or to anyone who self-identifies as ex-gay.

Seriously. If you were sexually traumatized as a child, neglected by your dad, lacked nurturing from your emotionally unavailable mom, acting out sexually with multiple women throughout your twenties, abusing drugs or alcohol or yourself in your thirties, and had turned your back on a relationship with God, and then going through an ex-gay program brought you to a place of healing and wholeness then I’ll accept what you tell me as your story. I won’t pretend to understand what you’ve been through at any point in your life but I respect that this is your story of what happened to you and if that’s the path that led you to a fulfilling relationship with God, got you out of yourself, and restored you to the world then I’m not about to question you here or to deny that what you’re saying is true for you. But here’s the deal and we both know what it is. You believe homosexuality is a sin. I do not. And so we either agree to disagree and stay with what we have in common or we wish each other well and return to our respective corners. For my part I choose to hope that the grace of God could allow us to navigate our way toward a cordial way of relating with one another being that in the end we all eat from the same bread and drink from the same cup.

Just as I’ve never been involved in the ex-gay movement, I’ve never been around any  formerly gay people, but I have been around a number of GLBTQ Christians who spent years of their life in ex-gay programs and lived to tell the tale. I know men and women who were so emotionally and spiritually beaten down by one ex-gay program or another that they ended up spending years in therapy healing from the mess of their experience. I know knew one  gay man who after years of going in and out of the doors of a particular ex-gay program at the insistence of his religious parents ended up committing suicide when the thought of living only to try and fail again became too painful to bear.

While I never went through the doors of an ex-gay program the voices of the ex-gay movement came through my families door, imparting their outrageous theories of homosexuality and its causes, their lies about the homosexual lifestyle, and their theology of deliverance and change. My annoyance isn’t because of what they put me through their teaching because I never took anything they said seriously. I heard what they were putting out there and it was so far from the truth of my life as a Christian, a woman, and a lesbian that all they said would have been laughable were it not so pathetically tragic. No. My issue with the ex-gay movement is what they put my mom and dad through in those first days and months following my coming out, since as evangelical Christians my parents turned to Christian leaders among them like James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and then read literature and watched videos from groups these men recommended like Love Won Out and Exodus International.

These ex-gay groups preceded to tell my parents I was broken, rebellious, and deceived. Their description of the homosexual lifestyle caused my parents to imagine the worst of what I might be doing at any moment and fueled their fear that the daughter they had joyfully watched grow up to embrace the Christian faith was now going to hell.These ex-gay organizations didn’t hesitate to tell my parents they knew more about me than my own parents did because they knew all all about homosexuals, but the lies they told my parents that continue to trouble me to this day, long after my parents and I found a way to navigate our love around our differences, long after my mom came to tell me she was happy for the love I shared with D, and long after both my parents have passed away, are the lies that burdened my mom and dad unnecessarily. Lies that caused them to believe in some way they had failed as parents and to feel guilty they had done something to contribute to my “broken, sinful condition.” Did something happen to me as a child on their watch? Did they neglect me in some way? Should they have disciplined me more? Should they have talked with me more? Did they fail to affirm or encourage my femininity when I was young? Was Mom nurturing enough? Was Dad involved enough?

My parents and I had a number of painful conversations in those early days but the one I most remember is when my mom in a voice weighted down with dread at what my answer might be asked, “Did Daddy and I do something that made you this way?” All I could say to her at the time was that she and dad had been wonderful parents and just as they never did anything to make me gay there wasn’t anything they could have ever done to make me not gay.

I’m not saying that any particular ex-gay organization or even James Dobson in all his self-appointed expert wisdom caused my parents to go to a place they wouldn’t have gone to on their own. As I said, my folks were raised within the conservative Christian church and so their theology and worldview was formed and grounded there. No, their struggle to reconcile having a gay daughter would have already been difficult enough for them but what the ex-gay movement did through their broad brush strokes of the “gay lifestyle” and their dishonest general characterizations of gay people only deepened their worst fears. These were Christian professionals after all, experienced and trained in dealing with homosexual people, Christian therapists and pastors who regularly ministered to gay people and through prayer and counseling had witnessed countless people healed and delivered from the bondage of homosexuality and sexual brokenness. The words of these trained professionals, medical experts and Christian therapists was salt in the open wounds my parents already carried and I continue to hold them to account for adding so much as one needless moment of fear or guilt or shame to my parents lives.

Again, if you’re someone who in your own words, “has left the ‘gay lifestyle’ through the grace of God” then all I can say is good for you and I say that sincerely. In at least the grace of God we can agree if in nothing else. But to those ex-gay organizations and leaders who continue to perpetuate dishonest characterizations and lies about GLBTQ people or make claims of change that are disingenuous at best, then shame on you. Really. Shame on you.

*I primarily refer to what are commonly called “ex-gay ministries” as ex-gay groups, organizations or programs throughout this post. I have chosen to do so intentionally as I simply can’t attach the word “ministry” to anything that in my view has caused so much spiritual harm to so many lives.

For that reason, I’m posting just three of the most recent reader comments that have been added to SisterFriends so that their wisdom, faith, and encouragement won’t be missed in the small print at the bottom of a posting. Enjoy!

Sister 1 -

Wow! I had no idea there were other people out there with all these same feelings that are running through my head, but mostly my heart. I was raised that homosexuality is wrong and that you are going to hell if you are gay. I am 33 years old and came out a year ago. For the most part everyone was supportive, considering their world was just turned upside down. The one that mattered the most, my mom has been awsome through it all. Don’t get me wrong. She has cried and denied that her daughter is a lesbian! But now has come to terms with it and just wants me to be happy. I have lost some very close relationships and that saddens me deeply, but I just think about it this way…it’s their loss! I spent my whole life being someone I was not to please everyone (God, my family, society) but at what cost (ME)! I just came to terms with my sexuality and embraced it! Nothing has changed, well I am a lot happier, but I am the same person with the same faith. I love God with all my heart and soul and believe that He died for me…so yes, I have gone through how can I be a lesbian and a Christian? I am just holding on to my faith and the love I have for my Lord and Savior, thank you Anita for this website I needed to know I was not the only one out there! It’s funny how we are so self-centered and like to pity ourselves…oh I’m the only one going through something like this…I should have known better! My heart goes out to everyone out there going through all the heart ache of coming out, just be true to yourself…the rest will follow. And be strong because it’s not going to be easy just hold on to the love and faith you have in God because if you lose that my friend you have lost it all! In God’s love, Yvonne.

Sister 2 -

I only came upon this site in January this year and all I can say is that it has broadened my mind to consider many perspectives on the subject of homosexuality. I am so interested in all the articles and still going through them one at a time. I am throughly enjoying the challenging thinking as I read each article and at the end of it I am most guided by the 2 laws that Jesus gave us – To love God first and to love your neighbour as yourself. Love is all encompassing and I think we humans cannot grasp this mystery easily due to our some form of conditional upbringing.

All I want to say for now is “thank you” for your efforts to bring us a new perspective. It is so liberating to keep challenging our thinking and moving the goalposts. That is what Jesus did in His time here on earth. I enjoyed this article and Dr Walter Wink’s article as well on this subject. I also thought the comments in response to the Wink article that addressed Judaism were good so that we do not clear our understanding of one thing at the expense of another. Good work all around. You should be so proud. You will see me here in the future I hope. For now I am enjoying moving through the thought and heart provoking articles.

Sister 3 -

(This comment was in response to the question “What loss has been your gain?”) It was last Easter during Lent that I found this site. I was struggling with the realization that I was gay and that I knew I could no longer hide and live being dishonest with myself, with my Lord, and with others. And yet, I feared that I would lose everything in my life – my relationship with Jesus, my family, friends, church, leadership and I would ruin my son’s life. I entered a depression as I realized that for 25 adult years, I had eaten to avoid being seen by anyone romantically and to numb the pain and the emotions. It allowed me to pretend that I was in control. The day before Easter, some of the losses had started, and I was ready to no longer live on this Earth. I just wanted to be home with my Father. I didn’t follow through with my plan because God intervened and I realized that nothing could separate me from the love of my God. Certainly not being gay. And that day, I lost my self-righteousness, my view of a God that would judge me for creating me gay. I lost hypocrisy, dishonesty, and my thought that I was in control of my life.

What did I gain? In the year since this momentous decision, I have gained a glimpse of the grace of my God. The kind of grace that makes me fall down on my knees and cry and wonder how I could ever be acceptable to Him, and yet the knowledge that I am. I have gained the knowledge that He created me, and He did so in His fashion, and that He has the perfect plan for my life. And wow, even when I don’t see it, it is indeed the perfect plan. I have gained my emotions, and the ability to turn them over to God for healing when hurt, instead of reaching for the first cookie I could find. I have gained the experience that physical intimacy and touch from a woman is acceptable to my Lord, because He created me as not only an intellectual being, but a sexual being who desires intimacy. I have realized that friends and family who only love or want a relationship with you because you are straight, are not really worth having. And while my parents may still wonder what they did wrong, they still love and want only my happiness for me. My son, wow — I learned that I have a son who loves unconditionally, who does not see race, creed, or sexuality as a reason to treat anyone differently. And while he still can’t pick up his socks or toys, he will be able to pick up life as an adult. I gained a bunch of new friends along the path, and reclaimed ones from my past that I walked away from because they were doing things I didn’t approve of. And finally, I gained a love for me, just as God created me, not perfect by any means, but growing and allowing Him to be in control. This time, it is an honest love – the kind of love that won’t allow me to hide from myself, others or God.

Your question made me look back at the past year, and I have gained so much more than I ever lost. While church, ministry, and even some close friends are gone, there is a new church, a new ministry, and new friends. And those are deeper and more fulfilling because they are based in honesty and the knowledge that my God loves EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME, AND IN THE MOST PERFECT WAY. Now that is a knowledge that surpasses all human understanding and calms one’s heart!

Now that’s what I’m talking about people!

Today’s post is part of a larger initiative of more than 50 bloggers, all sharing their thoughts on how to “bride the gap” between people on the topic of faith and sexuality.  You can find the links of other bloggers participating in this undertaking at Bridging the Gap, an outreach of New Directions Ministries of Canada. In the near future I will be providing a review of their interactive DVD resource, Bridging the Gap: Conversations on Befriending Our Gay Neighbors (clips available here), along with a blog interview with Wendy VanderWal Gritter, the National Director of New Directions.

Okay. That was the very official sounding introductory blurb. Now let me just talk to you who follow this blog regularly for a minute; those of you who feel fairly banged up and battered emotionally and spiritually by some within the church over the issue of homosexuality. You know where I stand on the issue of homosexuality. I’m a lesbian who is happily married to the finest of women and I’m a Christian who is committed heart, soul, and mind to God through Christ Jesus. Though today’s blog is part of a bigger project and in participating we’ve been encouraged to not defend a particular position I could never in good conscious hold back from sharing up front that a personal relationship with God is available to all who seek God; gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, queer, same-sex attracted or confused. I have to go through this little bit first on the off-chance that someone would chance upon this blog today for the first time in desperate need of hearing that God loves them just as they are. Here’s a word from my heart to yours free of agenda or hidden motive. The word is this; be assured that right now in this very moment God loves you. You always have been and you always will be, and there is nothing you can do or become that will make you more or less worthy of that love. You are God’s beloved, precious and cherished in His sight. Please hear that and take it in as deep as you can allow it.

After having said all that for the one person who might stumble across this blog today, this post isn’t about being a gay Christian. Neither is this post about ex-gay ministries or gay-affirming congregations or about the issue of homosexuality within the church today. It’s not even about differing opinions on faith and sexuality or the Bible and homosexuality but instead it’s about how we are to embody honor and respect in our conversations and relationships with those with whom we may disagree on the topic of homosexuality.

Let me be clear about something. To possess a willingness to enter into a conversation with someone else means having a shared commitment to listen to them as much as having them listen to you and we all know fully well there are those on both sides of the gap who have no interest in conversation but instead are given only to diatribes that wound and destroy. I would suggest that for the time being we put those folks to the side; not that we forget about them, or write them off as impossible but instead we begin by turning our attention and energy to one another; to those on the other side of the gap who are equally committed as we are to meeting in the middle; not in the sense of compromising our convictions but in the sense of approaching the other from a place of compassion and grace that says, “Despite our differences you are my brother, you are my sister. Know me and let me know you.” When we who share that same commitment can find a way to come together in Christ then together we can reach out to the edges, to those stuck in their agendas and deafened by their own rhetoric and through our unified spirit and in the Spirit’s power and love draw them in.

So. Here we are. We’re standing here on this side, they’re standing over there on that side, and the place we want to come together is in the middle where Christ is calling us to meet one another. How do we do it? I mean really. How do we take that first step in their direction when we’re all too aware of the risk involved, the all too familiar risk of being rejected and ridiculed, of having words of hate targeted at us, of being patronized and stereotyped or judged and condemned? How about this as a starting off point? How about casting our vision toward the people on the other side of the gap and seeing that for them there’s no less risk than there is for us. We’re all making ourselves vulnerable to one another, willing to risk being hurt by the other for the hope that a community of mutual love and respect can be born and nurtured up among us. As Christians we follow Christ who led by his love for God and the other was forever crossing bridges at incredible risk and had he not take that risk time and again, the blind would never have healed, the leper never restored to community, and the outcast and sinners would have forever been left alone at the table. It makes me wonder what healing and reconciliation we’re preventing in the lives of ourselves and others by hesitating in stepping forward, let alone what incredible glimpses of the invisible kingdom could be seen by all the world were we to step forward with open hearts and hands. Risking all for this moment to lose nothing in the end.

And for me, there’s one basic truth underlying what I just wrote that I keep coming back to every time I’m not sure if I want to bother to keep trying or to reach out again or to stay in the conversation. It’s just this; that what we have in common with one another is more than what divides us. Okay. I got it. They think homosexuality is a sin and that same-sex relationships aren’t God’s ideal for humanity while they think we’re being intolerant and exclusionary in who we welcome and don’t welcome into the church. I’m not minimizing the harm in either position but really folks, for the greater good, that being God’s glory, and the witness of Christ’s church in the world, could we let all that go and focus instead on what we share together? How about these for a start?

1. We’re all human. At least on our good days.

2. We’re all created and loved by God.

3. we’re all of equal worth and value.

4. We’re all equally flawed and messy.

5. We all desire to do what’s right before God.

And then 6 through 10,000 would cover the gambit from we all want to be loved and to love, to none of us want to be seated next to a screaming baby on an international flight. Make your own list by looking at your fears and joys, at your greatest desires and expectations and then attributing them to the other; that one over there on the other side near the edge of the bridge. If I can look across the gap and see him or her as God’s very own, then I stand of chance of being part of what God so longs to do among us; that we would let go of all our judgments of the other and of our need to be right and for them to be wrong, and just allow God to be God, extending Divine compassion and mercy as equally in their lives as God has shown time and again in mine.

I don’t know. Maybe I missed the point of what this whole synchroblog on “Bridging the Gap” was intended to be about, but then again, i’m still trying to figure out what “synchroblog” means anyway.

In my childhood home there was a strictly-enforced no swearing policy. Swearing and name-calling were so off-limits I was afraid of them; afraid that if one of those dreaded nuggets of blasphemy passed over my lips, it might void my ticket on the glory train. I’m not even talking the big swear words known, loved, and excessively used even at this moment by the trio of teenage testosterone at the table next to me at Starbucks. No, the prohibition against swear words and name-calling under my parent’s roof extended to any words that sounded even remotely like the first-string players. Crap, shoot, dang, doggone it, sheesh, shucks, jeeze, jerk, jeepers, creep, and butt all could find me going to my room for a little time to reflect and repent.

For the record, never once did I heard my parents violate their own code. The worse thing I ever heard my father call anyone was a flake and only because he was seething mad and momentarily lost control of himself and flake fell out of his mouth. Even as I write this I can’t help but wonder if somewhere in heaven my dad isn’t reading this post (wouldn’t you think they have awesome wireless up there?) and muttering “Young lady, enough with the potty mouth!” If my dad could even bring himself to say potty mouth, which I doubt he ever could. And yes, he really was that pure and irreproachable and I adored him for it and everything else that made him the most decent man I’ve ever known.

But the thing is, as a young girl, there were times when I really wanted to say a swear word, not because I was driven by moral outrage to use one. I simply wanted to see what it would feel like on my tongue and how it would sound in my ears with my voice. I didn’t want to say the big one, that über-profanity at the top of the list, but one of the minor ones, one of those weak bottom-feeders in the pool of profanity. And then one day I learned how. To say a swear word free of consequences, all I had to do was repeat what someone else said and right before the swear word say “quote-unquote.” It would look something like this:

The adolescent Anita would enter the house through the kitchen door where her mom would be enjoying her last minutes of peaceful calm in the day before she’d begin, “Mom! Mom! Okay, okay, listen to this! Today on the playground we were playing kickball during recess. I’m good at kickball Mom. I’m like the best girl at kickball really I am. I once kicked it over the roof by the third grade classes and no body could believe it and it was so neat, but anyway, so we were playing kickball and Fargo, you know Fargo Mom. He’s the boy who had a girl-boy birthday party last year where there was dancing and everything and so anyway, Fargo was up for his turn to kick but when he went to kick the ball he completely missed it and Mom, Mom, you’re not going to believe it but he said quote-unquote damn it really loud, right there in front of the teacher and everyone.” And then with an appalled yet guileless expression continue,“I’m just saying what Fargo said Mom, I didn’t say it.” I don’t know where I learned this trick, though I imagine my Sunday School peer group would be a likely suspect but regardless of its origin it worked worked every time and by it’s utilization I was able to take a couple second-string swear words out for a test run, absolved of all responsibility for their utterance. I did this quote-unquote thing so frequently for a few years there that had air quotes been in vogue in the early seventies I would have had carpal tunnel by sixth grade.

So what does this recollection have to do with anything? Not much other than I was reminded of it the other day while reading a post that included the following excerpt from Peter LaBarbera from American’s for Truth.

Let’s pretend that homosexual “families” are like other families. Let’s pretend that having a “dad” and another “dad” – and one is more effeminate, one’s more like the mom – is something like a mother and a father.

Did you know there’s actually a new name for quotations used in this way? Hey, I read it on Wikipedia so it must be “true.” They go by the names scare, irony, and distance quotes, quotation marks that enclose a word or phrase that’s meant to provoke a negative reaction, to cast suspicion on the appropriateness or truth of what’s being quoted, and there’s no question it causes a negative reaction, especially for those whose identity, values, or life experience are held within the quotation marks. To those people the quotation marks feel like a dismissive wave of the hand, a tongue in the cheek, and a roll of the eyes. Such is the power of the “   “.

We all use them. They do. We do. And I suppose on some issues we have to if we want to speak directly and honestly. For example it would be difficult for me to address the topic of “ex-gay” without quotation marks since I don’t believe that being “ex-gay” is possible or even a necessity. At the same time I realize that those who claim to be ex-gay do so with the sincere conviction of their beliefs and life experience behind it just as I speak unapologetically of being a gay Christian. It’s dicey. How do we talk our way around challenging and oppositional topics without relying on words or punctuation that undermine another person’s reality or truth? How do we speak with integrity to our truth without tromping over the values and beliefs of someone else? How do we avoid the appearance of being judgmental and disparaging?

The answer? I don’t know. I only know that in a world, church, and blogosphere where a flood of coded quotation marks and sarastic barbs litter the landscape I want to be among those who seek reconcilation and healing as much as justice and equality. There’s got to be a way to do that, don’t you think?

And it was Fargo who said the bad word and not me. Honest!

I don’t approve comments that are contemptuous or disrespectful in content to this blog. There are countless corners of the internet where condemnation of homosexuality is applauded and snide remarks that mock gay relationships and demean the faith of queer Christians are welcomed. This doesn’t even account for the faith-based organizations that are obsessed with rejecting the reality of our lives in favor of their erroneous stereotypes. We know all too well there’s no shortage of outlets for anti-gay rhetoric (please read the postscript at the conclusion of post) but this isn’t one of those places. Is that censorship? You betcha, and I don’t apologize for it.

There’s a short explanation and a long explanation to why I prohibit anti-gay comments and now that you know me you know I’m going to give you both.

The short explanation is held in the blog title:

Grace Unfolding – SisterFriends Together: An online GLBTQ women’s community dedicated to sharing our lives and faith in a place of grace.

There’s not a single GLBTQ Christian who’s come to this blog that hasn’t already heard it all. We know the six passages used to condemn homosexuality better than those who hurl them. We know the counterpoints, the slogans, and the arguments, and we’ve heard them not merely from an online strangers, but it’s been pummeled into us by churches we loved and served, pastors we trusted and admired, and from family members and friends. It will not happen here. Everyone deserves a safe place, even if it only exists on the internet. A place where queer people can come and know no one will twist their words or question the sincerity of their faith and love for God. Not in my sandbox (with all deference to Kelli) and not on my watch.

That’s the short explanation, and the longer one went here, that was until I posted it and then pulled it off when I realized how much I had said could just as easily go unsaid. So now, here’s the revised and abbreviated version. If you received the original post in email or through your RSS feed I ask that you only comment on what now appears.

I’ve been at this for more than ten years now; this being a queer Christian presence online and because I dare to portray a positive witness to being both queer and Christian I’ve received a number of anti-gay emails over the years and as Caera recently discovered there’s a website or two devoted to exposing my scandalous life and indulging in some rather predictable but always compelling name-calling.

I’ve been called a God-hater, a sodomite minister, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and from Sarah, a young woman in her third year of Bible College, I’m Satan’s number one client. Some time ago there was an open message forum that posted a photo of D and I with the caption, “This goes to prove they all look alike.” I’m not sure what that was suppose to mean but I opted to take it as a compliment. Just call me Pollyanna.

Maybe it seems bizarre that I don’t get all twisted up in a bunch over the name-calling and mean-spirited remarks. Perhaps I’m fortunate to have had the toughening experience of being a chubby adolescent on an elementary school playground, or maybe it’s because I don’t take personal remarks personally when they’re made by people who’ve never met me and therefore don’t know me. That they hate homosexuality seems clear enough but me, if they were to meet me and not know I was gay, I’d charm their shoes off or at least be only minimally annoying. Mostly though it’s because I know who I am in Christ and more than that I know who Christ is, and so I’m not going to get all crazy with the opinion of strangers when all that matters is God and the people in my life who witness my life firsthand.

I’ve come to recognize over the years that there’s nothing I can offer in a response to these folks that will bring forth anything good. I wish it were possible to engage in a mutually respectful conversation so we could bridge the divide allowing us to recognize and celebrate the commonalities we share in our lives and our faith, but at least in my experience and through all my attempts to do so, that’s never been the case, and so it comes down to picking and choosing. I choose to use the hours of my day responding to the emails I receive from GLBTQ people who are reaching out for encouragement and a word of faith rather than ramming my head repeatedly into unrelenting and unproductive rounds of point and counterpoint. I choose to keep the focus of this blog on it’s stated purpose rather than allowing disruptions to slip in and distract us from meaningful conversations of faith and friendship.

My intention here isn’t to jab a certain set of people but to explain to you, my regular and may I just say stunningly gorgeous readers, the reason behind my moderating of the comments, aside from being a control-crazed heavy-handed power-hungry blogging vixen that is.

Now go ahead and submit your comments girls and boys. I dare you!!

Related Posts:

Comment With Care at !emphatic asterisk

My Sandbox at A Wonderful Journey

—-

What do I mean by anti-gay?

I use the term anti-gay sparingly because it’s a loaded term and one that I think ends up getting hung around the necks of some people who don’t deserve it. By anti-gay I’m not lumping together all people, Christian or non-Christian, who believe homosexuality is a sin, immoral or unnatural. I’m referring only to those individuals who seem more fixated on homosexuality than homosexuals; who are pejorative and demeaning of gay people, and who riddle their speech with stereotypes that vilify and trivialize the lives, faith and relationships of GLBTQ people.

The funny thing, funny strange more than funny ha-ha, is that in most of creation diversity’s met with awed wonder and appreciation. We celebrate God’s creative hand in the natural world and then we go even further and attempt to extend that creativity by trying through science to redesign or combine what already exists to make a unique version of the original. New varietals of florals and vegetation, hairless cats and dogs with bigger ears. Just the other week I roasted a mountain of brilliantly-colored purple, orange, green and white cauliflower, white being the only one in the cauliflower rainbow that wasn’t scientifically engineered. I’m sorry to report that science has a long way to go before changing the flavor as successfully. I’ll give you an update when they find a way to alter its taste to more closely resemble caramel-fudge lattes.

Yes, we applaud diversity but when it comes to sexual orientation, not so much. I find it both interesting and appalling that even in our contemporary world, after all the research and knowledge gained into human sexuality there are still those segments in our society that argue that the natural inclination for every human being is to be joined with someone of the opposite sex; who insist that heterosexuality is the exclusively right and good sexual orientation and all others are deviant expressions of human sexuality. This tendency to suggest that God splashes diversity in every nook and granny of the world except human sexuality baffles me.

Of course, if you’re gay then you know there’s an equally natural alternative to heterosexuality and if you celebrate your sexuality as part of God’s creative work in you then you’re probably pretty clear that being gay isn’t a rip-off version of being straight. It just is what you is.

But that’s not all there is and I’m going to have to go along with Alfred Kinsey on this one. Based on a study he conducted Kinsey suggested that there’s a wide spectrum in human sexuality, spanning the gap between being exclusively straight (0) to exclusively gay (6). His scale also provides for asexuality for those individuals who have no sexual attraction to either sex. Me, I’m a 6. It’s all gay all the time. I like men and I appreciate an attractive man but I’m not sexually or emotionally attracted to the man. Hook me up to a sexual attraction monitor and I’d be flat-line. But that’s me and not all lesbians. Others who self-identify as a lesbian might occasionally have dreams or sexual fantasies of the opposite sex. I’ve known a Tupperware party worth of married women who found a certain amount enjoyment with their husbands even while they knew their primary sexual attraction and emotional connection was to other women. And there are solid 0′s in the straight world who think only straight as an arrow thoughts and others who have passing daydreams or sexual fantasies about being with someone of the same sex.

For some reason though there are many of us, both gay and straight, who cling to either/or. Either you’re straight or you’re gay. But then what about those wacky bisexuals? What are we suppose to do with them? Well, the same people who oppose homosexuality will most often paint bisexuals as promiscuous, as though being attracted to both genders means being involved sexually with both sexes at the same time. And I’ve heard some equally negative brew-haha coming from gays and lesbians. It’s not uncommon for bisexuals to be thought to simply be confused by the gay community. She’s really a lesbian but she just doesn’t know it yet. He doesn’t want to own being gay because he wants the option of being in a socially acceptable relationship with a woman. Don’t ever trust a bisexual because they’ll just leave you for someone of the opposite sex. Why do we do that? Or maybe the better question is why do we need to do that? Does the reality of their attraction to both genders threaten us in some way, as if their equal attraction to men might suggest that we too could be attracted to men and if that’s the case then maybe our opposition is right and we’re just choosing to be gay? I don’t know. I’m just guessing here because I don’t really understand what the resistance is to bisexuals even though I’ve heard negative remarks about bisexuals from a few gays and lesbians while at the same time hearing some really painful stories of rejection and negative stereotyping by bisexuals. Ultimately for me it just highlights that there’s room for all of us, gay and straight to work on our welcome and acceptance to the other which is just about any and everyone who isn’t us.

Along with there being a diversity in human sexuality, there’s also remarkable fluidity for some people in the area of their sexual orientation. I’ve received some amazing emails from young people in their teen years who want to know if because they’re attracted to their same-sex friend that means they’re gay. My response to them after the initial “Wow, how courageous of you to write and share this with someone” and “It’s not my place or within my ability to answer that for you” is to talk to them about how our feelings and attractions aren’t always black and white nor or set in stone for all time. What a stress on kids to feel like they have to label themselves with the first conflicting feeling they experience especially when our adolescence and young adult years are one hormonal onslaught of of conflicting and changing sexual feelings. The intense crushes we have in our youth don’t seem particularly concerned with gender. One day a teenager can be crushed out on the cute quarterback and a few days later get a shiver when her best girlfriend hugs her playfully around the neck. I try to encourage them to not rush to a conclusion, that if their sexual orientation is in question now it will in all likelihood become clearer to them one day. Either way, I want them to remember whether they come to see themselves as queer or straight, that God loves them and nothing will change that. I’d offer the same words to any adult who was questioning their sexuality; to the woman who’s been married happily for 30 years but in recent weeks or months has been having feelings for another woman at her church. Go slow. Give yourself time. Maybe these are just natural passing feelings. Maybe not. Either way, while you’re questioning your sexuality, you don’t need to question God’s love for you. It’s there with you as it’s always been and will remain with you always. No matter what.

Human sexuality. Fluid. Diverse. Miraculous. Mysterious.

There was woman at the small gay church I attended who was transgendered. She’d been born with a biological male but all her life had known her true self to be a woman. She said her body had never belonged to her, that when she was a little boy she knew inside she was a little girl. While living in society in a way that matched her biological body, she married a woman, had children, went to her job everyday and took her family to church every Sunday. Sometimes when their children were in bed and her wife was out of the house, she’d put on her wife’s clothes and imagine herself out among people being seen and accepted as a woman. I don’t know how long this all went on but at some point she could live the lie no more and so she began dressing as a woman in public, changed her name legally and began a new life defining herself to the world as woman. Because that’s what she was inside.

When I first met her she was in her fifties and my first impression was she was a man in a dress. Whether by intentional choice or by financial limitations she’d never pursued medical treatments or gender re-assignment surgery, and there was nothing about her physical appearance that passed well to the world as a woman. Here was a human being who must have already endured more inner turmoil and ridicule in her life than I will ever know in mine but instead of being moved by compassion, I was uncomfortable and embarrassed. I didn’t want to be identified with her. I didn’t want to have to explain or defend her to the world while I was so preoccupied on trying to get the world to understand what it meant for me to be a lesbian. The T in GLBT made me squirm.

I don’t remember the time or circumstances that led to my change of heart and attitude. I don’t know if I heard someone speak or I read a book or watched a movie that began the shift for me. Whatever it was God used it to nudge me to repentance. And a call to repentance it was, complete with remorse, confession, and actively turning another way. And though I have so far to go, I continue to turn. Along the way I’ve been blessed, and I mean that in the most absolute real way, to spend time learning and growing from folks like Erin Swenson, Justin Tanis, Malcolm Himschoot and Virginia Mollenkott, while in my previous work at the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies in Religion and Ministry I was given the opportunity to attend their first Transgender Religious Leadership Summit. Okay, by attend I mean I prepared all the meals for the Transgender Religious Leadership Summit but I eavesdropped over the lunch table conversations so cut me some slack, and they raved about my food which I mention for no particular reason other than for my ego!

Wow, did I digress there so let me jump back in by dissecting the GLBTQ. Sexual orientation and gender-identity are two separate issues. GLB represents gay, lesbian, and bisexual and their definitions are reasonably clear. Those who identify as gay and lesbian are sexually attracted to the same sex. Bisexuals are sexually attracted to both sexes. All three are related to sexual orientation.

The T stands for transgender and is a more sweeping term which includes those individuals who in one way or another cross gender lines. It includes transsexuals who identify themselves as the opposite sex to what their physical anatomy suggests. They may or may not have re-assignment surgery to line up their physical body with their internal identity. It also includes transvestites who often dress in clothing more commonly identified with the opposite sex. Wherever individuals fall under the definition of transgender, their primary issue concerns gender identity.

The Q as I use it represents all those who are questioning some aspect of their sexual orientation or identity and for those who identify as queer having refused to let established gender definitions limit their self-definition. For my straight readership, all 2.3 of you, queer is a pejorative term that’s been reclaimed by some GLBT people as an all encompassing term while being one of those words that becomes offensive when used by those outside it’s definition.

Getting back to where I was about 103 words ago, sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate issues and for that reason some GLB voices, individual and organizational, resist including the T. They want to distance themselves for reasons ranging from the political to the personal.

While it’s true the particulars of our lives might be different, we’re all dealing with issues related to human sexuality. Whether gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, we’ve experienced exclusion from the church, and have been at the receiving end of prejudice, intolerance, and hate because something about us doesn’t fit within the rigid boundaries that society has created around human sexuality. The line goes that men are suppose to be sexually attracted to women and women to men and individuals born with a penis are male and those born with a vagina are women. It’s black and white and set in stone, but we’re saying it’s not. We don’t fit within those perimeters and rather than accepting that our understanding of human sexuality doesn’t include us, we’re saying that our understanding of human sexuality is too narrow and we need to expand our minds and our definitions. The way I see it is that when we talk in broad terms and the issue is human sexuality and the goal is justice, then GLBTQ all falls under the same umbrella.

If others need to be particular fine. Wait. No, it’s not fine and it’s not fine for the simple reason that it’s never acceptable for those who have been oppressed to oppress. It’s never reasonable or understandable or excusable for those who have been marginalized to push someone else out to the edges. Never.

As gays, lesbians and bisexuals we have the responsibility to do exactly for our transgendered brothers and sisters as we expect others to do for us. We need to educate ourselves to transgendered issues and acquaint ourselves with the lives of transgendered men and women. We need to focus on our commonality, build understanding at our points of difference, and then make space for each other under the umbrella. We really need to do this because it’s what the Gospel has been calling us to do all along. As we continue to move forward in our Christian walk as gay and lesbian people, I want to suggest we don’t limit our vision or commitment to ourselves alone but to any and all who stand this side short of full equality and inclusion in the church and society.

If you want to gain a better understanding of trans folks, here are a few excellent resources from a transgender faith perspective.

• Trans-Faith Online – A premier site complete with original text, audio, and video resources housed in the section on Basics.
• Crossing the T – Personal blog of Rev. Allyson Robinson
• Ministare – Personal blog of Rev. Sean Parker Dennison
• Call Me Malcolm – A professionally produced 90 minute documentary that follows the journey of Rev. Malcolm Himschoot while in seminary that highlights his struggles with faith, love and gender identity.

I’m struggling. I don’t know why I waited so long to ask for help. It’s odd how growing up I felt so close to God. When no one knew I was a lesbian. Then when I came out it was as if I hadn’t believed in God at all. All the things I said about how much a difference God made in my life turned into lies to those around me. Abandoned. There is no other way to describe how my family, church, everyone who knew me just threw up their arms and ran screaming into the night.

I’m confused about the conflicts between lesbian and Christian. I know many lesbians, including me, believe in God, but they are refused by most churches. Please help me to figure out the truth of Christian lesbians.

I grew up continually hearing that homosexuality was one of the greatest sins in the world; perhaps even right up there with murder and adultery. It was not until a few weeks ago that I fell on my knees one night begging God to tell me what was wrong with me, wondering what in the world had left me so empty and unfulfilled. I have cried much since that night and every minute I am awake I only want to not be alive.

I’m a mess, and I need to find my way back to God. I am struggling to live as a Christian lesbian. I don’t know how to do that.

I read the pages on your life and how it took many years to discover yourself while being raised in a predominantly Christian environment. I, as well, have followed the Lord’s word in living my life and try everyday to be a strong Christian woman. However, I am struggling with the very issues that I have always believed the Bible says are wrong.

Five letters. Five women. Different lives but the same struggle to reconcile the seeming conflict between their Christian faith and their sexual orientation. Any of us who’ve already walked through that gut-wrenching experience know how lonely the struggle can be but then wrestling with God’s never been a team sport. It’s something that all people of faith must do in their lives and something they we all must do alone.

Abraham Herschel said “Some people think faith is an answer to all human problems. In truth, faith is a challenge to all human answers.” Was there every a time in your life when you thought you had all the answers? Whew. Me too. Glad I’m not alone on that one.

I grew up learning the answers in church, even when the answers didn’t always fit the questions. I was so sure I knew what I knew when it came to my faith. I had all the answers until one day the answers no longer worked; when the reality of my life couldn’t be squeezed into the box I’d masterfully crafted to hold my faith and my God. “This is how I am to live. This is what I’m suppose to feel. This is what I should do. This is who God is. This is how far God’s grace goes and this is how God judges.”

We’ve heard all our lives that homosexuality is a sin, and hey, this worked just fine, thank you very much, until the day comes we realize we’re gay and wham-bam, the conflict of two supposed truths crash headlong inside of us and we’re tossed over the rope and into the ring before we have a chance to change into our shiny satin boxing shorts. For queer Christians we went to the mat with God over our sexual orientation but for others, but whether gay or straight, we all struggle long into the night over conflicts equally critical as we live out our lives of faith. We talk about our spiritual lives as a journey because we’re always in movement and on this journey we have to cross through the wilderness before we ever reach the promised land where living lives of wholeness before God beckons to us.

Whether the metaphor of choice is wrestling with God or crossing the wilderness it feels equally hopeless and unending at times. We long to get to the other side and to get there last Thursday, but we hang on because we refuse to let go. We refuse to let go because we committed ourselves long ago to holding on when the love of God first wooed us and we walked into newness of life. Letting go of such love isn’t the last option. It’s no option and so we hold on to God, to our faith, and to who we know we are in Christ Jesus. Admit it. We’re just a bunch of clingy kids holding onto God until we get an answer, until peace comes, until we receive our blessing.

Remind you of anyone? Jacob wrestling through the night with God perhaps? Hmmm…let’s talk about that some more in the next couple days. In the meantime, Genesis 32. Check it out.

We are conservative. We are progressive. We are evangelical. We are liberal. We are seeking, searching and emerging. We have found the Answer. We are content to live in the questions.

We light candles and sing Georgian chants in the scented haze of burning incense. We sing “Amazing Grace” and weep as we do. We lift our hands in worship. We hold our hands in silent meditation. We dance down the aisles. We genuflect before the cross. The walls of our church are brick and glass. The walls of our church are mighty oak trees and endless blue sky.

We celebrate Eucharist. We receive communion. We come to Christ’s Table. Once a month. Every Sunday. Paper thin wafer. Chunk of earthy bread. Cup of sweet grape juice. Chalice of dry red wine. We sip. We dip. We have a baptistry. We have a font. We dunk. We sprinkle. We all wade into the deep swirling waters of Spirit and Mystery and God Most Divine.

We call God Heavenly Father. We call God Heavenly Mother. He. She. We come to God as Creator, Redeemer, Friend, Source of All Being, Holy Spirit, Indescribable One. Alpha. Omega. Mystery. Name Above All Names. God Above All Gods. I Am.

Just as diverse as our styles of worship, the places where we worship, and our attempts at naming God, is our theology. I believe this. You believe that. On some things we will agree. On many things we never will.

We are seeking to know God ever more. We are falling, ever falling, more in love with Christ. We are committed to living authentic lives, transparent lives, faithful lives, made in the image of God, committed to the purpose of God. We are passionate. We are opinionated. We are strong and we are devoted to searching, seeking, growing, following, changing, obeying, transforming, and living for and to the Glory of God and to the Risen Christ, God’s Son.

We are equal in faith, equal before God. We are no more wise in understanding, no nearer to God, no more privy to God’s Spirit speaking than the one who stands beside us or the one who stands against us. We believe what we believe because it is what seems most true to each of us. And yet, at times we might be wrong or they might be wrong or you might be wrong. Or maybe, just maybe, collectively together we could be closer to the truth that we could ever be on our own, as we glimpse the same thing from different places, putting together the pieces of something bigger than any of us alone can grasp. We can teach one another. We can learn from one another.

The same spirit of Christ that dwells in us, dwells in you. It is Christ that unites us. It is to unity in Christ to which we will default. When our differences begin to splinter us, let the grace of God, the love of Christ, and the unity of the Holy Spirit bind us inseparably. In this we pray. In this we believe. To this we commit ourselves.

Amen.

When I wrote that phrase some time ago and as I write this post today I’m thinking of you who believe there’s no such thing as a “Christian lesbian.” You consider the term to be a contradiction of terms but more than that, you regard it an offense to the Gospel. You believe if someone identifies as a Christian they would seek repentance from homosexuality and would do all they could to change and short of change they would at least commit to not “practicing” homosexuality.

I also have those of you in mind who, even while doubting such a thing as a “Christian lesbian” exists have haltingly admitted to yourself that while you love Christ and are committed to the Christian life, your desire for an intimate and loving relationship is with another woman. Because of this apparent conflict you feel as though there’s a choice you’ll have to eventually make, to either walk away from your faith in God or deny, reject, or attempt to change your attraction to other women.

Whether paragraph one or paragraph two best describes where you stand, I’m writing as someone who knows your position because at one time I was you. For much of my life I believed homosexuality was a sin that led good people astray from a true faith in God. I watched Christian talk shows and gave thanks for the those who shared stories of deliverance from the “homosexual lifestyle.” I didn’t hesitate to share my beliefs with college friends who opened up with me about their own struggles with sexuality because I loved them and didn’t want to see them go down a road that would take them so far from where I believed God desired for them to be.

A few years later I was the one engaged in an internal conflict like I’d never known before and that I could never have imagined. My faith in Christ meant everything to me and my greatest longing was to live in a way that brought honor to God but suddenly I recognized my lifelong unnamed feelings as being the very thing that would bring the most disappointment to the heart of God. My fear and shame were so great I told no one and spent my evening hours crying out to God in prayers full of promise. I will change. I will do whatever it takes. I will never do anything to disgrace you. I will die before I do. And prayers of pleading. Please forgive me for whatever I did to make this happen. Change me. Help me. Don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. In that moment I looked down the path of my future and saw nothing good.

I really have been there. I really have said and done and felt that but no longer does paragraph one or paragraph two represent who I am or what I believe. I stand in another place about both pieces of my life, as one who is a Christian and a lesbian.

1. I am a Christian.

There was a time in my life when I made the intentional decision to say yes to a relationship with God through Christ by recognizing that it was through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection that God’s saving presence entered into the world. I was a child when I first said yes and even though on my best day I live out my yes imperfectly I choose again and again to say yes each day of my life. Yes, I love God above all else. Yes, I will follow after God’s will. Yes, I will seek to love others as Christ loved. Yes, I will be the grace of God in the world.

I’m not a Christian out of my own righteousness but by the righteousness of God and the completed work of Christ given freely to all. ( John 11:25, John 5:24, John 20:31, Romans 1:16, Ephesians 2:8,9 and Colossians 1:21-23). Salvation hinges on nothing else; not adherence to church tradition or believing in doctrines or creeds. The assurance of my faith is grounded in Christ and Christ alone and to add conditions or requirements onto that reality is to imply that the death and resurrection of Jesus was insufficient, that Jesus was wrong when he said from the cross “It is finished.” While a church might say “Believe as we believe and do as we do and you may join us here” Jesus welcomes all based on nothing other than the love and grace of God.

2. I am a lesbian.

While I remember the very place and time when at the age of five I became a Christian, there was never a single moment when I made a conscious choice to be a lesbian and I always take it with a mix of mild amusement and irritation that some people will argue it was a choice. It’s amazing and yes, exasperating at times, that people who don’t know me or other GLBTQ people personally would be so presumptuous as to assume they know the reality of our lives more than we do.

My Beloved and I have been together for nearly nine years. We were married in a church filled with friends and in the presence of God. There’s nothing about our life together that would look strange or odd were the one I love a man and our relationship heterosexual. I cook breakfast. She makes the bed. We shower, dress and go to work. During the day we call each other to express our love or to remind the other to pick up more milk on the way home. After the dinner dishes are put away, we watch television or play with the kittens or putter around the house until bedtime when we fall asleep beside the other. There’s nothing bizarre about our life. Nothing unusual. While some would even consider our lives boring I treasure each day as an amazing and joyful blessing.

And yet, there’s something very different about being a lesbian in this world. Being lesbian means knowing that in certain parts of the world you can’t hold your partner’s hand in public as straight couples do without risking being ridiculed, physically assaulted, or imprisoned. Being lesbian means picking up the paper every morning or watching the news every night to hear about some new legislation that’s being debated that if passed would negatively impact your life. Being lesbian means listening to false stereotypes being painted about you and the people you love every Sunday morning by television evangelists, all in the name of God. Being lesbian means trying to explain the nonexistence of the homosexual lifestyle and the gay agenda to strangers.

But being lesbian means even more. Being lesbian means celebrating the joy of being a woman. Being lesbian means giving full expression to the depth of the love within you. Being lesbian means living confidently with God’s approval rather than with the approval of others. Being a lesbian means standing in solidarity with others who stand on the outside whether they be the poor, the sick, the elderly, or any among God’s creation deemed not acceptable by the majority. Being lesbian means finding your courage and living boldly. Being lesbian means experiencing another woman’s courage when she takes your hand in a roomful of strangers or shows her wedding ring proudly without embarrassment or thought to what others will think.

I am a Christian. That’s my faith. I am a lesbian. That’s my sexual orientation. I make no apology for being either and if after all is said and done I remain a contradiction to some folks then that’s the way it will be. I can’t prevent someone from rejecting the presence of God in my life, or calling the love between my partner and I perverted, or even denying the sufficiency of salvation through faith by requiring I be heterosexual to receive it. In the same way no one has the power to remove the confidence I have in God, or diminish the quality of love I’ve been graced to share with my Beloved, or say or do anything that will separate me from the love of God I have in Christ Jesus.

I love being a Christian and I love being a lesbian because for me it’s about living a life of wholeness and gratitude for all that God has done through Christ and for all that God is doing in me.