For that reason, I’m posting just three of the most recent reader comments that have been added to SisterFriends so that their wisdom, faith, and encouragement won’t be missed in the small print at the bottom of a posting. Enjoy!

Sister 1 -

Wow! I had no idea there were other people out there with all these same feelings that are running through my head, but mostly my heart. I was raised that homosexuality is wrong and that you are going to hell if you are gay. I am 33 years old and came out a year ago. For the most part everyone was supportive, considering their world was just turned upside down. The one that mattered the most, my mom has been awsome through it all. Don’t get me wrong. She has cried and denied that her daughter is a lesbian! But now has come to terms with it and just wants me to be happy. I have lost some very close relationships and that saddens me deeply, but I just think about it this way…it’s their loss! I spent my whole life being someone I was not to please everyone (God, my family, society) but at what cost (ME)! I just came to terms with my sexuality and embraced it! Nothing has changed, well I am a lot happier, but I am the same person with the same faith. I love God with all my heart and soul and believe that He died for me…so yes, I have gone through how can I be a lesbian and a Christian? I am just holding on to my faith and the love I have for my Lord and Savior, thank you Anita for this website I needed to know I was not the only one out there! It’s funny how we are so self-centered and like to pity ourselves…oh I’m the only one going through something like this…I should have known better! My heart goes out to everyone out there going through all the heart ache of coming out, just be true to yourself…the rest will follow. And be strong because it’s not going to be easy just hold on to the love and faith you have in God because if you lose that my friend you have lost it all! In God’s love, Yvonne.

Sister 2 -

I only came upon this site in January this year and all I can say is that it has broadened my mind to consider many perspectives on the subject of homosexuality. I am so interested in all the articles and still going through them one at a time. I am throughly enjoying the challenging thinking as I read each article and at the end of it I am most guided by the 2 laws that Jesus gave us – To love God first and to love your neighbour as yourself. Love is all encompassing and I think we humans cannot grasp this mystery easily due to our some form of conditional upbringing.

All I want to say for now is “thank you” for your efforts to bring us a new perspective. It is so liberating to keep challenging our thinking and moving the goalposts. That is what Jesus did in His time here on earth. I enjoyed this article and Dr Walter Wink’s article as well on this subject. I also thought the comments in response to the Wink article that addressed Judaism were good so that we do not clear our understanding of one thing at the expense of another. Good work all around. You should be so proud. You will see me here in the future I hope. For now I am enjoying moving through the thought and heart provoking articles.

Sister 3 -

(This comment was in response to the question “What loss has been your gain?”) It was last Easter during Lent that I found this site. I was struggling with the realization that I was gay and that I knew I could no longer hide and live being dishonest with myself, with my Lord, and with others. And yet, I feared that I would lose everything in my life – my relationship with Jesus, my family, friends, church, leadership and I would ruin my son’s life. I entered a depression as I realized that for 25 adult years, I had eaten to avoid being seen by anyone romantically and to numb the pain and the emotions. It allowed me to pretend that I was in control. The day before Easter, some of the losses had started, and I was ready to no longer live on this Earth. I just wanted to be home with my Father. I didn’t follow through with my plan because God intervened and I realized that nothing could separate me from the love of my God. Certainly not being gay. And that day, I lost my self-righteousness, my view of a God that would judge me for creating me gay. I lost hypocrisy, dishonesty, and my thought that I was in control of my life.

What did I gain? In the year since this momentous decision, I have gained a glimpse of the grace of my God. The kind of grace that makes me fall down on my knees and cry and wonder how I could ever be acceptable to Him, and yet the knowledge that I am. I have gained the knowledge that He created me, and He did so in His fashion, and that He has the perfect plan for my life. And wow, even when I don’t see it, it is indeed the perfect plan. I have gained my emotions, and the ability to turn them over to God for healing when hurt, instead of reaching for the first cookie I could find. I have gained the experience that physical intimacy and touch from a woman is acceptable to my Lord, because He created me as not only an intellectual being, but a sexual being who desires intimacy. I have realized that friends and family who only love or want a relationship with you because you are straight, are not really worth having. And while my parents may still wonder what they did wrong, they still love and want only my happiness for me. My son, wow — I learned that I have a son who loves unconditionally, who does not see race, creed, or sexuality as a reason to treat anyone differently. And while he still can’t pick up his socks or toys, he will be able to pick up life as an adult. I gained a bunch of new friends along the path, and reclaimed ones from my past that I walked away from because they were doing things I didn’t approve of. And finally, I gained a love for me, just as God created me, not perfect by any means, but growing and allowing Him to be in control. This time, it is an honest love – the kind of love that won’t allow me to hide from myself, others or God.

Your question made me look back at the past year, and I have gained so much more than I ever lost. While church, ministry, and even some close friends are gone, there is a new church, a new ministry, and new friends. And those are deeper and more fulfilling because they are based in honesty and the knowledge that my God loves EVERYONE, ALL THE TIME, AND IN THE MOST PERFECT WAY. Now that is a knowledge that surpasses all human understanding and calms one’s heart!

Now that’s what I’m talking about people!

I’m struggling. I don’t know why I waited so long to ask for help. It’s odd how growing up I felt so close to God. When no one knew I was a lesbian. Then when I came out it was as if I hadn’t believed in God at all. All the things I said about how much a difference God made in my life turned into lies to those around me. Abandoned. There is no other way to describe how my family, church, everyone who knew me just threw up their arms and ran screaming into the night.

I’m confused about the conflicts between lesbian and Christian. I know many lesbians, including me, believe in God, but they are refused by most churches. Please help me to figure out the truth of Christian lesbians.

I grew up continually hearing that homosexuality was one of the greatest sins in the world; perhaps even right up there with murder and adultery. It was not until a few weeks ago that I fell on my knees one night begging God to tell me what was wrong with me, wondering what in the world had left me so empty and unfulfilled. I have cried much since that night and every minute I am awake I only want to not be alive.

I’m a mess, and I need to find my way back to God. I am struggling to live as a Christian lesbian. I don’t know how to do that.

I read the pages on your life and how it took many years to discover yourself while being raised in a predominantly Christian environment. I, as well, have followed the Lord’s word in living my life and try everyday to be a strong Christian woman. However, I am struggling with the very issues that I have always believed the Bible says are wrong.

Five letters. Five women. Different lives but the same struggle to reconcile the seeming conflict between their Christian faith and their sexual orientation. Any of us who’ve already walked through that gut-wrenching experience know how lonely the struggle can be but then wrestling with God’s never been a team sport. It’s something that all people of faith must do in their lives and something they we all must do alone.

Abraham Herschel said “Some people think faith is an answer to all human problems. In truth, faith is a challenge to all human answers.” Was there every a time in your life when you thought you had all the answers? Whew. Me too. Glad I’m not alone on that one.

I grew up learning the answers in church, even when the answers didn’t always fit the questions. I was so sure I knew what I knew when it came to my faith. I had all the answers until one day the answers no longer worked; when the reality of my life couldn’t be squeezed into the box I’d masterfully crafted to hold my faith and my God. “This is how I am to live. This is what I’m suppose to feel. This is what I should do. This is who God is. This is how far God’s grace goes and this is how God judges.”

We’ve heard all our lives that homosexuality is a sin, and hey, this worked just fine, thank you very much, until the day comes we realize we’re gay and wham-bam, the conflict of two supposed truths crash headlong inside of us and we’re tossed over the rope and into the ring before we have a chance to change into our shiny satin boxing shorts. For queer Christians we went to the mat with God over our sexual orientation but for others, but whether gay or straight, we all struggle long into the night over conflicts equally critical as we live out our lives of faith. We talk about our spiritual lives as a journey because we’re always in movement and on this journey we have to cross through the wilderness before we ever reach the promised land where living lives of wholeness before God beckons to us.

Whether the metaphor of choice is wrestling with God or crossing the wilderness it feels equally hopeless and unending at times. We long to get to the other side and to get there last Thursday, but we hang on because we refuse to let go. We refuse to let go because we committed ourselves long ago to holding on when the love of God first wooed us and we walked into newness of life. Letting go of such love isn’t the last option. It’s no option and so we hold on to God, to our faith, and to who we know we are in Christ Jesus. Admit it. We’re just a bunch of clingy kids holding onto God until we get an answer, until peace comes, until we receive our blessing.

Remind you of anyone? Jacob wrestling through the night with God perhaps? Hmmm…let’s talk about that some more in the next couple days. In the meantime, Genesis 32. Check it out.

When I wrote that phrase some time ago and as I write this post today I’m thinking of you who believe there’s no such thing as a “Christian lesbian.” You consider the term to be a contradiction of terms but more than that, you regard it an offense to the Gospel. You believe if someone identifies as a Christian they would seek repentance from homosexuality and would do all they could to change and short of change they would at least commit to not “practicing” homosexuality.

I also have those of you in mind who, even while doubting such a thing as a “Christian lesbian” exists have haltingly admitted to yourself that while you love Christ and are committed to the Christian life, your desire for an intimate and loving relationship is with another woman. Because of this apparent conflict you feel as though there’s a choice you’ll have to eventually make, to either walk away from your faith in God or deny, reject, or attempt to change your attraction to other women.

Whether paragraph one or paragraph two best describes where you stand, I’m writing as someone who knows your position because at one time I was you. For much of my life I believed homosexuality was a sin that led good people astray from a true faith in God. I watched Christian talk shows and gave thanks for the those who shared stories of deliverance from the “homosexual lifestyle.” I didn’t hesitate to share my beliefs with college friends who opened up with me about their own struggles with sexuality because I loved them and didn’t want to see them go down a road that would take them so far from where I believed God desired for them to be.

A few years later I was the one engaged in an internal conflict like I’d never known before and that I could never have imagined. My faith in Christ meant everything to me and my greatest longing was to live in a way that brought honor to God but suddenly I recognized my lifelong unnamed feelings as being the very thing that would bring the most disappointment to the heart of God. My fear and shame were so great I told no one and spent my evening hours crying out to God in prayers full of promise. I will change. I will do whatever it takes. I will never do anything to disgrace you. I will die before I do. And prayers of pleading. Please forgive me for whatever I did to make this happen. Change me. Help me. Don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. In that moment I looked down the path of my future and saw nothing good.

I really have been there. I really have said and done and felt that but no longer does paragraph one or paragraph two represent who I am or what I believe. I stand in another place about both pieces of my life, as one who is a Christian and a lesbian.

1. I am a Christian.

There was a time in my life when I made the intentional decision to say yes to a relationship with God through Christ by recognizing that it was through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection that God’s saving presence entered into the world. I was a child when I first said yes and even though on my best day I live out my yes imperfectly I choose again and again to say yes each day of my life. Yes, I love God above all else. Yes, I will follow after God’s will. Yes, I will seek to love others as Christ loved. Yes, I will be the grace of God in the world.

I’m not a Christian out of my own righteousness but by the righteousness of God and the completed work of Christ given freely to all. ( John 11:25, John 5:24, John 20:31, Romans 1:16, Ephesians 2:8,9 and Colossians 1:21-23). Salvation hinges on nothing else; not adherence to church tradition or believing in doctrines or creeds. The assurance of my faith is grounded in Christ and Christ alone and to add conditions or requirements onto that reality is to imply that the death and resurrection of Jesus was insufficient, that Jesus was wrong when he said from the cross “It is finished.” While a church might say “Believe as we believe and do as we do and you may join us here” Jesus welcomes all based on nothing other than the love and grace of God.

2. I am a lesbian.

While I remember the very place and time when at the age of five I became a Christian, there was never a single moment when I made a conscious choice to be a lesbian and I always take it with a mix of mild amusement and irritation that some people will argue it was a choice. It’s amazing and yes, exasperating at times, that people who don’t know me or other GLBTQ people personally would be so presumptuous as to assume they know the reality of our lives more than we do.

My Beloved and I have been together for nearly nine years. We were married in a church filled with friends and in the presence of God. There’s nothing about our life together that would look strange or odd were the one I love a man and our relationship heterosexual. I cook breakfast. She makes the bed. We shower, dress and go to work. During the day we call each other to express our love or to remind the other to pick up more milk on the way home. After the dinner dishes are put away, we watch television or play with the kittens or putter around the house until bedtime when we fall asleep beside the other. There’s nothing bizarre about our life. Nothing unusual. While some would even consider our lives boring I treasure each day as an amazing and joyful blessing.

And yet, there’s something very different about being a lesbian in this world. Being lesbian means knowing that in certain parts of the world you can’t hold your partner’s hand in public as straight couples do without risking being ridiculed, physically assaulted, or imprisoned. Being lesbian means picking up the paper every morning or watching the news every night to hear about some new legislation that’s being debated that if passed would negatively impact your life. Being lesbian means listening to false stereotypes being painted about you and the people you love every Sunday morning by television evangelists, all in the name of God. Being lesbian means trying to explain the nonexistence of the homosexual lifestyle and the gay agenda to strangers.

But being lesbian means even more. Being lesbian means celebrating the joy of being a woman. Being lesbian means giving full expression to the depth of the love within you. Being lesbian means living confidently with God’s approval rather than with the approval of others. Being a lesbian means standing in solidarity with others who stand on the outside whether they be the poor, the sick, the elderly, or any among God’s creation deemed not acceptable by the majority. Being lesbian means finding your courage and living boldly. Being lesbian means experiencing another woman’s courage when she takes your hand in a roomful of strangers or shows her wedding ring proudly without embarrassment or thought to what others will think.

I am a Christian. That’s my faith. I am a lesbian. That’s my sexual orientation. I make no apology for being either and if after all is said and done I remain a contradiction to some folks then that’s the way it will be. I can’t prevent someone from rejecting the presence of God in my life, or calling the love between my partner and I perverted, or even denying the sufficiency of salvation through faith by requiring I be heterosexual to receive it. In the same way no one has the power to remove the confidence I have in God, or diminish the quality of love I’ve been graced to share with my Beloved, or say or do anything that will separate me from the love of God I have in Christ Jesus.

I love being a Christian and I love being a lesbian because for me it’s about living a life of wholeness and gratitude for all that God has done through Christ and for all that God is doing in me.

This message was presented during a “Coming-Out” service at Pacific School of Religion in the Fall of 2002 by the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies in Religion and Ministry (CLGS). Click here for the audio transcript.

My name is Anita. I’m a third year student here at Pacific School of Religion, seeking ordination in Christian ministry.

Rather than telling my story in my own words, I’d like to tell it through three letters I’ve received from people I’ve never met in response to my website that dares to suggest you can be Christian and be gay.

Letter number one:

“I find it incredibly amazing that people have become so reprobate that they actually believe they can practice abominations and end up in the good grace of God. Coming out of the closet should not be your concern, but coming out of the spirit of deception should be. I really hope that God will wake you up, but I’m afraid that it’s too late.

So why don’t you just admit that you’re in an evil, wicked, abnormal lifestyle and repent. Become normal. And put away all your false interpretations that you use to justify your disgusting lifestyle. You will suffer in eternity because of the filth of your lies, and I won’t shed a tear.”

At one time that was me, and while I would hope there would have been an edge of compassion in my own words, I believed for many years that homosexuality was a defiant act of rebellion against God.

Letter number two:

“Hi. My name is Abigail. I’m 25 years old. I’m gay, and I’m in a relationship. I have been a member of a Southern Baptist church all my life. I was the Assistant Youth Minister. Rachel and I confessed our relationship to the pastor a few months ago. Since then we have been voted out of the church, and we were asked to sign a piece of paper stating that we wished our name to be removed from the roster.

I am so confused. I don’t want to go to hell, but according to the pastor all the nations that were judged in the Old Testament weren’t judged until homosexuality had been accepted. He said that to the Lord, homosexuality is the last straw. I’m terrified that I’m going to hell.

I love Rachel with all my heart. Yet I sometimes feel like I have to choose between heaven and Rachel, that I can’t have both.

I feel so rejected. Even if I were to look for a church I’m afraid that we would be asked to leave there too. I am so confused. I wish I were normal. And I want to be close to God again, yet I feel like because of who and what I am I will be forever separated. Please help. How did you ever get to where you are? Is it possible that we’re all deceived? Are you ever afraid? Are you really afraid of going to hell?

I know that you must be extremely busy, but if you can, will you please write me back?”

At one time that was me, coming out in the context of an evangelical Christian denomination in licensed ministry for 17 years and realizing I was the
very thing that I had so detested and feared. And like Abigail, the fear of the future, the fear that I would never be able to be in ministry again, the despair of thinking that God and I were no longer in relationship, that I would have to make a choice that would be impossible.

Letter number three:

“Thank you for your web site. Your writings have enlightened and inspired me. I realize now I’m not a contradiction or a failure or hypocrite merely because I’m attracted to women and consider myself a Christian. This self-realization was truly a light-bulb moment—one that lifted quite a weight from my shoulders and made me weep with delight. I now embark on my journey to be honest with my family and friends, knowing that Jesus is there beside me.

As an attorney I work in the very system that oppresses anyone who does not conform to an accepted sexual orientation. You may not know, but in some places in my country you can be arrested in your own home if engaged in gay or lesbian acts. My new-found confidence will help me to make a difference in the application of these oppressive national and state laws. Call this youthful optimism, but I feel the stirring of a revolution. But one step at a time. Who was it said that Rome wasn’t conquered in a day?

Anita, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to you know that your message has spread to the bottom corner of the earth. It’s touched my life, as I’m sure it’s touched the lives of many Australian lesbians. Your passion for equality is infectious and is spreading. God
bless you. Vanessa.”

I had my own light-bulb moment. It came to me in my bedroom with my faced pressed against the carpet, praying out to God as I had done for so many nights before. It’s a moment I have never bothered to describe to people because it was so personal. But I knew in that moment as Psalm 139 said, if God knew me when I was in my mother’s womb, that this thing that had just been revealed to me, was not new news to God, that God had known all along, and the confidence I had in God’s love before I had this self-realization was still present, or it had all been a lie. And I too, like Vanessa I have the hope that things really can change one person at a time. I read those stories because not only do they tell my story, but because this place against all that we want it to be can be a very insular place. I can say the words to you, “I’m a lesbian Christian,” and you don’t look like deer in headlights, you don’t look at me with revilement and disgust. It’s almost boring around here. I’m trying to come up with a fresh angle on it, but that’s about it.

These are the voices of people. And this is why Esther came out. Esther came out for Esther because she knew that if she didn’t, at some point they would come for her, that it was about her. But she also came out for her people. And so I consider my own coming out to be one of the most selfish things that I have ever done in my life, but that doesn’t mean that God can’t use it.