Okay, now that I got that out of my system, let’s move on to the subject at hand, namely Where in the World Is My Future Wife And How In the World Do I Find Her?

Darn if I know. I’m reasonably ill-equipped to offer much advice on how to go about finding love when I never went looking for it in the first place. But were I to pretend that I knew what I was talking about I might say something like this in 3-2-1 . . .

If you’re at a place in your life where you feel there’s space in your life for a relationship and you’re feeling ready in yourself to move in that direction then the first step is as simple as saying to God and yourself that you’re open for a relationship. I know that sounds a tad obvious and airy fairy but it’s actually a really concrete thing to do. When our hearts are truly open and available to love we put out a certain energy and I think others who are at the same place in their lives make a connection to it. Openness to love over desperation for love is a whole other energy that’s positive, exciting and life-giving. It’s hard to miss in someone and is a beautiful beautiful thing.

My little extra nudge of advice is to focus on opening yourself to a variety of new friendships more than limiting your sights on that one special forever and ever so help me God relationship because the more people you let into your life, spend time with and develop connections with, the wider your circle of friendships and the more chance there is that she will be somewhere there in the mix; a close friend who one day grows into the love of your life.

So your heart is open to creating friendships that might or might not eventually lead to a love relationship, you’ve asked God to guide and direct you, and maybe now you’re ready to put some feelers out there and a lot of folks are putting their interest and availability out through online dating services. If you haven’t already you might want to think about creating a profile at Rainbow Christians, Gay Christian Personals, or ChristianGays Chat Rooms and Dating. The paid membership dating service, Match.com welcomes women seeking women and as the result of a recent lawsuit and much to their chagrin e-harmony will be expanding their paid services in the future to provide an exclusive site for same-gender matchmaking, called Compatible Partners. Again, look for friendships instead of the life-long occupant of the other side of your bed. By doing that you might find yourself connecting with women you truly enjoy as friends that will enrich your life; women you would never have given the time of day to had you run them through the life-partner checklist.

Now let’s talk about some obvious places to meet the gays and more precisely, the gay girls. Since you’re gay think about the kind of places you like to hang out and the kinds of things you like to do and chances are there’s another lesbian or two nearby who has the same interests. Join a league softball or bowling team. Join a local book group. Do volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity or at a community food kitchen. Take an art class. Join a hiking club. Hang out at the bookstore. Frequent some hip coffee shops in town. Go to a gay-affirming church, join a women’s choir, participate in a lesbian support group at the GLBTQ Community Center. Now, I know this sounds painfully sophomoric but unless you ooze lesbian mojo through your pores you might need to put some ever so subtle signals out there….like having a copy of Curve magazine on the top of a stack beside you at the bookstore or “Stranger at the Gate” discreetly placed at an ever so casual angle on the coffee shop table. I’m not suggesting you sing the theme song from “The L Word” at the top of your lungs everytime you see a pretty girl, though humming it softly might not hurt. Put out the signals and turn your gaydar to full volume. You never know.

Here’s the point I’m trying to make. Unless you think you’re going to be on your couch one day and the sweetest woman of your dreams is going to appear in your living room before your eyes in a cloud of smoke, chances are you’re going to need to get yourself out there into as many circles of people as you can so you stand some chance of crossing paths with other lesbians. Just go to the places you enjoy because chances are you’d like to date someone who shares similar interests. In other words, don’t go to the gay bar to meet a woman unless you happen to be into the whole gay bar scene but if you don’t drink and like to be in bed by 9:00 p.m., then maybe you might not want to be swimming in a pool with other little fishies that party all night. I’m just saying.

But Anita, I don’t want to meet just any lesbian. I want to meet a Christian lesbian. Sure you do and Christian lesbians just as amazing, available, and loving as you are out there doing regular life stuff and the only chance you have to meet them is to get out there into the circle of life. And you never know. Maybe there’s a delightful woman in your little corner of the universe who reads this blog like you and is just as open for a relationship. To give both of you the best chance of meeting I have a plan. This Saturday at 10:00 a.m. go to Barnes and Noble and head directly to the travel section. Locate the books on Italy and finding a copy of “Fodor’s Italy 2009″ take it from the shelf and casually begin to flip through it. Another woman will now approach the same section, notice the book in your hand and ask, “Oh. Is there another copy of that book on the shelf?” With a lilt in your voice, smile and say “No, but you can have this copy since I won’t be getting to Italy until 2011.” This is the secret signal. Now both of you know you read my blog. Laugh at the happy coincidence and go get to know each other over a cup of coffee. And don’t bother to thank me. My pleasure.

As you can see, I don’t know what I’m talking about for the very reason I already told you; love found me when I wasn’t looking. I have no experience in putting it out there and looking for a relationship. None. It was 1999 and I had just moved to California to begin attending seminary. Outside of attending graduate school and studying until my nose bled my social life consisted of going to a support group a couple times a week and as it happened D was a member of the same group. We were just at the same place at the same time participating in a group that had nothing to do with being queer or being Christian. I had noticed her in the meetings but had no idea she was a Christian lesbian and when she finally mentioned it after several months we got together with no motive other than having the chance to possibly make a friendship with someone with shared interests. It was all very casual and so totally not within the realm of dating that no one was more surprised than me that my heart stopped when she walked through the door of Starbucks for our first get together outside of our regular group meeting. I was gone before she pulled up her chair and said “Hello,” pathetic creature that I am.

I wish it could be that easy for everyone and so I’m clueless what to tell you except to suggest you be open to friendship and love, put a few feelers out if that’s comfortable for you, get yourself involved in the world around you and then let go of trying to make things happen and trust that God will bring who and what you most need in your life for your great joy and God’s magnificient glory.

In my pre-oh-my-goodness-i-like-women-and-not-men-days, I moved among a large conservative Christian community, that included my congregation, my denomination, and the larger web of evangelical Christians and among those I knew the best were a legion of single straight Christian women. My impression is that most of them had always looked forward to the day when they would get married. Some of them, myself included, had been instructed from our youth to pray for the man God would one day bring into our lives and many them, myself not included, had been doing that very thing for years, but as they watched other women younger than themselves walk down the aisle, no prospect of a future husband appeared on their horizon. To my knowledge, none of these women excessively drooled in public, snorted uncontrollably, or had a hairy mole on the center of their chin. These women were the whole package, just as beautiful inside as they were outside and yet as the years passed they began to cross the line from Singlelandia to Spinsterville.

From what I can tell it’s not all that different for all you amazing lesbian women I know who are hoping, dreaming, praying, waiting, and turning over rocks for your one true love.  I think there’s actually an added aspect that heightens the dilemma for us. As it turned out a number of us spent years of our lives believing we were straight because as Christians it’s not as though any other consideration was possible that didn’t involve hell’s flames licking at our backside, or we spent that same number of years trying to deny we were gay and in the process were sending out some weird kind of signal to men that yes, we were interested but no so much really. A few of us did indeed get married like good girls should but others of us never got the hang of the whole male-female dating thing for no other reason that it was never meant to be our thing in the first place.

And then boom, we realize we’re gay and it all makes sense! No wonder I never married! Now I get why I was never attracted to a man and why they didn’t seem all that interested in me! It all makes sense now. What a relief! I’m not a loser, I’m a lesbian!

Now we finally know what our heart desires. We want to find a woman to love and who will love us in return. That’s the life and love we were meant for. We’re done being alone.  Now that we know who we are and what and who we want in terms of a relationship, we’re ready for it to begin. Now. And even for those of us who aren’t looking to settle down behind a white picket fence we at least want a nice woman to ask us out for coffee on a Saturday afternoon. A woman to hold my hand and say sweet things? Check. Guppy love eyes looking at me? Check. A woman who calls in the middle of the day to say she’s thinking about me and means it? Check. We’ve waited so long to have our lives make sense and now that it does, let it begin!

Look to the left. Look to the right. No woman in sight. Why isn’t God answering my prayers? Is there something not good enough about me to attract another woman? Am I still alone because this is God’s way of telling me being in a relationship with another woman is wrong? Since I can’t find a woman with the same faith and values do I need to settle for a different life and relationship than I really want? So where is she?

The Genesis story (Genesis 2:18) tells us that God didn’t make man to be alone and that’s a pretty sensible thing to say to explain and encourage our many generations removed great-grandparents to join together in union and propagate the earth, but I don’t see in the creation story that would guarantee a soul mate to every man or woman, gay or straight. If I believed such a guarantee came as part of our birthright then I’d have to contend with the reality that God is letting down a whole lot of people who have spent their lives looking forward to the day and praying for the day when their special someone would come along and that idea doesn’t set well with me at all because God doesn’t disappoint, God doesn’t fail and God doesn’t renege on God’s promises.

We often quote Psalm 37:4, a passage we hold to in faith as we dream our dreams. “Delight yourself in the Lord and God will give you the desires of your heart.” The way I understand those words is that the desires I hold in my heart will be the desires God has given me, not that God will give me everything I desire. All it says is that God will give the desires of my heart to me, not that God will then go on to fulfill every desire. There are desires, ones I believe that come from God that serve a greater purpose unanswered than answered because desires unfulfilled often lead me in directions I would have never traveled without them or had the desire being satisfied at the start. As long as my desires are God’s and my life is led by them I have faith that my life will be enough and hold enough.

Are you on board with me or have you jumped ship for more name it claim it get it waters?

With all that being said, I suspect there’s a wider meaning behind the Genesis words than the exclusive coupling of one man with one woman. John Donne expressed it beautifully in his Meditation XVII, “No man is an island, entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.” While every man and woman will not marry, some by choice and some by circumstance, no one is meant to stand outside of being in relationship with others. I believe we are born for relationship; relationship with God and relationship with others and a deep satisfaction and fulfillment comes in giving ourselves to a myriad of emotionally and spiritually intimate relationships.

D came into my life four years after my previous relationship ended. During those four years I wasn’t looking for anyone. I wasn’t even looking for anyone when D found me. I know this might come off sounding like “A Dummies Guide to Therapy” but during those four years I took the time to develop a relationship with myself. I got to know who I was and most days I thought I was a pretty great person to spend my time with. I also began to appreciate in a new way the value and connection of individual friendships where I was able to give and receive the physical affection we all crave without crossing the line into a sexual relationship. I also threw myself into the life of a church community, not just in doing the busy work that we worker bee Christians can get caught up in, but through engaging purposefully in a deeper community life that involved outside the churchwalls gatherings and times of honest sharing among safe and loving people and loving the children in the congregation was a tremendous gift of relationship in my life, satisfying my desire to give and express love creativity and joyfully. Even in the midst of all those relationships, however meaningful they were, there were still times of loneliness because at the end of the day they were at home in a house with their spouse and children and I was at home with two lovable but non-conversational non-embraceable cats. And that was okay. People are lonely. Even married ones. Even ones with children. As humans we need relationships. As humans we will experience loneliness. That’s life just being life. Henri Nouwen was someone who spoke eloquently, painfully, and hopefully of loneliness and if that’s an ongoing struggle for you you might benefit from reading some of his books (Bread for the Journey, Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life…), or begin with these excerpts and in particular the piece entitled “Stand Strong in Your Sorrow.”

Let me ever so clear. My life with D is the sweetest thing I have ever known and as long as God gives me breath I’ll live every day of my life loving her and being loved by her.  Now that I’ve known life with D I can’t imagine life without her but I also believe it’s equally true that had D never come along, I would have still been okay. My life would have gone on and while there would have been lonely days as before, my life would have been no less rich. It just would have been rich in different ways. I don’t think God brought D into my life because a life partner was guaranteed to me. I was somewhere and she passed by and we connected. It happens sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t.

I’m not telling anyone to give up praying and dreaming for a life partner. Not at all! Maybe there is a perfect someone just for you that you only have yet to meet or maybe there are a dozen perfect someones and all you need to do is have your path cross with one of them. If you’re longing for a special someone then I want you to know I’m cheering you on and hoping that all your dreams come true. I really am.  I also believe if such love came along and happened for me, it can happen for you. All I’m suggesting is that in this time while the other side of the bed is empty you think about what it is you most desire in the relationship of your dreams and look for other ways to have those desires lead you in all sorts of amazing directions.

Do you want someone to love and spoil with kindness? Then find people who you can lavish with love and kindness. The world outside your front door is filled with people who would melt with a single gesture of love or a simple word of kindness. You can’t believe how little you would have to give of yourself to change someone’s life for the good. Do you want to be adored? Then get involved with children at church or in an after school program. They will adore you like you can’t believe, guppy-eyed adoration and all. Do you want to be loved? Recognize that you already are. Love is coming at you in a hundred directions and the love of God, a child, a parent, or a friend is just as tender and deep and real as the love you long for. If genuine love is present in whatever form you’re not settling for second best. Do you want companionship? Be a companion to others. Adopt a grandparent at the senior center. Be a mentor at the woman’s shelter. Make Friday nights a date night to serve dinner at the local rescue mission or soup kitchen. If you’re lonely you can be sure others are. Find them. Listen to them. Talk to them. Look in their eyes so they know they’re not invisible.  Do you want to experience sexual affection and love? Then for goodness’ sake SisterFriend, be affectionate and loving to yourself and yes, I’m saying exactly what you think I’m saying and you don’t need an instruction manual. You are a beautiful sensual woman however svelte or Rubenesque that body of yours is. Don’t diminish your own ability to appreciate and explore the landscape you embody, and at the same time be creative in finding non-sexual, sensual pleasure in life. There are plenty of them so go enjoy an exquisite bite of artisan chocolate or soak in a bubble bath by candlelight.

No. I’m not kidding. I can’t tell you how to find a girlfriend but at least I can point you to Fannie May and Ethel M.

My parents met in the church marching band. For my younger readership, this was the 1930-40′s version of a praise and worship band but while the praise and worship musicians are usually stationed to one side of the front of the sanctuary, the marching band marched. Generally outside, at parades and other social gatherings where  “Onward Christian Soldier” and other hip tunes of the day were frequently in demand. As the story goes Dad played the trumpet and Mom the saxophone. Admittedly I chuckle no less now than I did in adolescence at the thought of my mom huffing some blues and jazz riff soulfully on her sax behind dark sunglasses. Or not.

Regardless, my parents were also part of the same youth group, went to church camp together, went on outings with the same circle of friends, fell in love and began their courtship. A couple years later after countless dates, postcards and letters,  the bride took a train across the country to meet up with her groom who was stationed in Boston prior to heading overseas and they were married in a small chapel on the Harvard campus with my Grandpa standing in as the witness.

It would be nice if we could all meet our significant other face to face at church, in the line at the grocery store, at the table next to ours at Starbucks. It would be ideal to have a friendship develop and over time grow into a love relationship.  For some of us that’s exactly how it happens but for others love blooms accompanied by the tapping of a keyboard. We meet through an online dating service, on a chat room or in an internet forum. We learn about each others favorite color, taste in music, and aspirations and dreams through emails that lead to phone calls that lead to cross-country weekend rendezvous, and if love sparks into a roaring flame a cardboard box stuffed U-Haul looms on the distant horizon.

In 2006, 1 out of 8 couples in the United States met online. My guess would be the statistics are even higher among GLBTQ people. For many queer folk, particularly those isolated in communities where there are higher odds of finding the elusive needle in the haystack than another lesbian in the neighbor, let alone a Christian one, the internet provides a means at meeting another woman with similar interests and values. Over the past dozen years I know of a handful of couples who met through ChristianLesbians / SisterFriends-Together and went on to commit themselves to create lives together. I’ve been privileged over the years to follow their relationships and celebrate at the news of their marriages.

And still, I have to admit I’m skittish about the whole thing, not only because my two online attempts at relationship turned out less than wonderful but because for every one great relationship that develops online, it seems like there are a hundred stories of heartbreak. Relationships, whether they begin in the gender studies section at Borders or in a chat room online come with a risk since opening our hearts to the possibility of love means making ourselves vulnerable to both tremendous joy and incredible heartbreak. As far as I know no heart filter has yet that’s been developed that lets in one and blocks the other.

At the same time it’s even riskier business meeting another woman online without certain advantages that getting to know one another face to face allows and so when I say there are caveats to online courtship I’m not saying it’s not possible. I’m just saying what the literal meaning of the word caveat suggests, ‘let the person beware.’

Be aware everyone online isn’t as genuinely real and amazing as you. Yes! There are truly incredible, brilliant, kindhearted, rock-solid Christian women online who are hoping, praying, and keeping their eyes open for a lifelong, mutually loving and committed relationship. After all, incredible you is here so others must be too, but just don’t assume because they sound like the woman of your dreams they are. The painful reality that’s been proven out far too many times is there are players who aren’t looking for the same thing as you but instead enjoy the thrill of the woo and snag but once the thrill of new love fades they move on to the next relationship. There are other women with psychological and emotional issues who are looking for someone to love them into feeling good rather than finding someone they can be in a mutually loving and giving relationship with. I’m not suggesting there are hoards of women from Crazytown and Creepsville roaming the internet for a nice girl like you. What I am suggesting is there are a lot of wounded human beings who have learned how to survive in life and get what they want by presenting themselves in a way that’s appealing and seemingly sincere, even to themselves, but in the end they’re being less than genuine because they don’t know how to get what they want and need any other way. From one SisterFriend to another, just pay attention and guard your heart. It’s valuable and deserves to be protected from undo harm.

Be aware of the limitations of getting to know someone online. When you develop a relationship online with a woman who lives a thousand miles from your front door there are certain things you can’t possibly know like you would if a relationship was developing with someone fifteen miles down the road. All you have to go on is what she tells you. You don’t have the advantage of seeing her character play out in the day to day of life. You don’t get to watch how she treats her parents and relates to her friends. There are no shared people in your life to tell you how great she is or to offer you a gentle word of concern. You don’t have any other perspectives on why her last two or twenty relationships ended. You don’t know how she reacts when she can’t find a parking place, how she spends her money, how rude or gracious she is to the grocery clerk, or how she actually lives out the priorities and values she professes. She might be all she says she is and praline pecan ice cream besides but even the most genuinely awesome woman can be different in the day to day of life than she portrays herself to be in the intimately tender conversations two lesbians in love engage in, oh so well.

Be aware of how fast the relationship between you and the love of your life is moving. Did you meet her online last month and begin a series of novella length emails that continued for a couple weeks until you switched to phone calls that never end before dawn? In one month have you gone from strangers to now being convinced the two of you are kindred spirits and soul mates for life? Are you fantasizing alone, or with her, about long walks on the beach, late nights in front of the fire, the touch of her hand on yours, and growing old together before you’ve ever laid eyes on one another and washed a sink full of dirty dishes side by side? Girlfriend. Slow down. Seriously. Slow down.

Be aware of what your gut is telling you. The message your heart is sending you when you’re passionately in love can make a sonic boom sound like a cat’s meow so you need to be intentional in paying equal attention to that quiet inner voice that nags at you in the pit of your stomach or bristles at the back of your head when something doesn’t feel quite right. Call it intuition. Call it the nudge of the Holy Spirit. Call it whatever you will but if it has something for you to hear, then don’t ignore it.

After my miserable but gratefully brief first relationship I mentioned in another post, I met a Christian woman online. The friendship progressed at lesbian warp speed and after less than a year of online courtship and a few random getaways we moved in together. I loved her then and I wish her nothing but all of God’s best now. She was one of the truly good women and so was I. We just never gave ourselves the chance in the rush of falling in love to see we were two good women who never belonged together. We might have known that had we ever taken time to exhale. To this day I regret we sacrificed what could have been a meaningful friendship to jump to a place we never should have gone. Why am I telling you? Contrary to how it might sound I’m not a failed relationship exhibitionist. I’m just hoping you won’t throw out everything I’m saying because you think I’m shooting from the hip. I’ve been there. I know. My heart has been broken. I’ve made mistakes and learned some hard lessons. I just hope it doesn’t have to happen that way for you.

So, can you find Ms. Right online? Of course you can. Maybe you have. And if you have, can I be the flower girl at your wedding? I look pretty in pink taffeta.

Are we on the same page now?  Fantastic! Now turning back to the email…

Anita, I realized I was a lesbian last year and have been struggling ever since with my faith. I know God still loves me but I’m having such a hard time finding any peace with the idea that it’s okay with God that I’m gay. I’m so afraid that when I tell my family they’ll reject me and my church won’t want me there anymore. Is it really alright with God for me to be in love with another woman? The reason I’m asking is because I met an amazing woman online a couple months ago and what started out as a friendship has become so much more. After exchanging emails for the few first weeks we started talking on the phone. Anita, we talk for hours at a time and I’m sure I’ve met my soul mate. I feel like I’ve always known her and we tell each other everything. I love her and she loves me. She says that she wants to be with me. If loving another woman is a sin then does that mean I have to spend the rest of my life alone? Why would God make me gay and then not let me have a relationship when that’s all I’ve ever wanted as long as I can remember? I’m so confused and would appreciate any advice you could give me.

Come Out as Gay Before Going Into a Relationship

It’s not all that unusual to fall in love with someone before going through the process of coming out to our immediate circle of family and friends. The reality is that for some of us falling in love with another woman was the very thing that led us to finally begin to come to terms with our sexual orientation. Life has repeatedly proven that we don’t always get to pick the timing of how events in our life play out but being in a relationship with another women before coming out to your family adds a complication that would seem at least worth considering.

Whether we’re coming out to our families as a single woman or as one already in relationship with another woman, coming out to our families brings a radical shift to the entire family system. It’s a weird but common principle that when there’s a dramatic change within one member of a family or any group of people, it forces everyone within that system to reconsider their own relationships and role to the other members. In a family, whether it’s ever spoken or not, every family member has a role to fulfill, a role that has been largely defined for them by the other members that they in turn live into. There’s the dependable one, the funny one, the troubled one and if we held any role in our families outside of the rebellious troublemaker chances are we no longer fit into the expectations and role we had in the family and that upsets the whole school of familial fish.  Whatever family configuration we’re talking about (with our parents, with our adult children) the family needs time to come to terms with our new identity within the family and with any other relationships and roles in the family that might have flipped in the process.

For those of you who have already come out to your families can you relate to any of this? Did you see roles change in your family? Did people relate differently to you and to each other after you came out? I’m not saying any of this is a bad thing. Some families only benefit from breaking free of their traditional roles and establishing new places within the family but whatever the end result it’s an agonizing process for the entire system and my concern is that bringing a girlfriend into the mix in the eye of the storm has the potential to increase the upheaval to the family because it doesn’t allow the established members of the family to fall back into place (or a new place) before being forced to come to terms with a stranger in their midst.

Can I raise one more thing to consider? Oh wait. This is my blog. Of course I can!

Let’s make three assumptions that I know might not apply to everyone and while I’m going to refer to parents, you could easily replace that with children, as in yours if you have any. First, your parents are strongly opposed to homosexuality for either religious or societal reasons. Second, your parents feel like they did a relatively good to great job in raising you. Third, your parents love you. And let’s make a fourth assumption I wish we didn’t have to make but one that tends to be true more often than not given that the first assumption is true; when you tell them you’re gay their first reaction isn’t to hang a rainbow flag from the front porch. However they react to the news there’s bound to be a barrel load of mixed emotions in play when the words come out of your mouth and those emotions can be so overwhelming in the moment that they’re going to be desperately searching for someplace to channel the intensity of their emotional feelings. You’re their flesh and blood, they know they didn’t raise you to be gay, and so they begin scrambling unconsciously to make sense of it by finding the reason for why the unthinkable has happened to you and in turn to the family.

Here’s what I can tell you from stories I’ve heard. Take them for what they’re worth. There are several couples I’ve known over the years who in coming out to their parents and/or adult children chose the moment of their coming out to tell their families they had met a wonderful woman who they loved and who loved them in return. This other woman brought into the initial conversation when the emotions were running full tilt then became the one who bore the blame for luring their daughter into the homosexual lifestyle or changed their mom into something they had previously been taught was sinful. No matter how much the woman in your life loves you, that’s a big target on her back to carry and it can take a long time for the arrows to be removed.

Okay, it took me five paragraphs to say this. . .Whenever we come out to anyone with whom we’re in relationship with, whether it be God, our parents, our children, or our closest friends it would seem more productive to keep the focus primarily on the relationship between you and the other person in the relationship rather than complicating it by adding another relationship into the mix. I’m not saying dump your significant other until you come out to all these people. I’m only suggesting that when coming out to each of the people in your life you share a cherished relationship with, you consider keeping the conversation on you and the other person, allowing you both to work through the love and relationship held between the two of you. Chances are the conversation dealing with your newly discovered or accepted sexual orientation provides more than enough material for everyone to work through initially and that includes you.

First, let me go on record as saying that the reconciliation process doesn’t happen overnight anymore than we tackle all our internal homophobia in one fell swoop. It’s called a process because that’s what it is, a process that happens in stages over time. Just when we think we’ve reached the end of it, that we have it all together, we uncover something else we need to look at and spend time working on.

With that said, it didn’t take me long to come to a place of assurance around my sexuality and faith but what I wasn’t aware of at the time was that there remained a place within me that continued to believe I’d have to settle for less in a relationship than I had always wanted now that I identified as a Christian lesbian. This reveals only how little exposure I had yet with the lives and witness of other GLBTQ Christians but also uncovers how deeply entrenched the idea was in my head that being gay was somehow inferior to being straight and therefore less deserving or worthy to enjoy the best of anything including relationships.

For that reason, and because I was so inexperienced in the world of dating and relationships in general, I jumped into one with the first woman I met online who showered me with attention and affirmed my identity as a lesbian. We had some fun conversations online and on the phone. She was nice enough, funny enough, smart enough, but apart from that we shared nothing in common and please understand that when I say nothing, I mean nothing. Going into the details here would fall under the sweeping category of too much information but there’s no question it would have been viewed by anyone as an psychologically abusive relationship. It lasted less than six months and while all but two weeks of it was lived out long distance when I finally was strong enough to end it, it caused a world of hurt that took me several years from which to fully recover.

The point to all this is I found myself in a relationship I never would have entered into or even entertained had I only waited to get more grounded in my identity as a lesbian and as a queer child of God. Don’t minimize the upheaval that comes into your life when you either first come to realize you’re a lesbian or when you finally come to accept that you’re a lesbian after years of denying or trying to flee from it. A central point of your identity is changing and while it’s a glorious thing to finally begin the move into authentic wholeness everything within us is shaken to the core. In time it will settle and you’ll find your way but my concern is that times of such dramatic change aren’t the time to run into a relationship because our own motives can come in question even to ourselves? Is this really the person for me or am I just desperate to not be alone in this crazy time when I’m running the risk of losing so many other relationships? Is this woman and this relationship what I’ve hoped for one day or is serving as a distraction to the hard stuff facing me in coming out?

There are a whole lot of sound reasons for allowing some time to pass between coming out, reconciling your faith and sexuality, and entering into the world of relationships and I hope you’ve hung around this blog long enough to trust that my motive in saying any of this is no other reason than I simply don’t want you to get hurt or find yourself further down the road with a streamer trunk of regrets that you never needed to carry. There is more than enough time in your life for you to move through the journey of reconciliation with God before walking into a love relationship. 

There’s another reason I hesitate jumping into the whole “10 Tips for Developing Dynamic Dyke Duos” and that’s because every relationship is as unique and nuanced as the two people that comprise it. What might be a challenge to overcome in one relationship can be seen as a strength in another relationship. While we can learn what we want and don’t want from watching other relationships, the goal is never to create photocopy versions of any relationship. Instead you and your significant sweetie will find your own way of being in relationship together, and as people of faith I naturally hope you bring God’s Spirit heavily into the mix to strengthen, guide, and bind you.

So with these disclaimers and a thousand others pinging around in my head, I’m going to throw out a few thoughts on relationships beginning with the beginning by addressing some comments to an email of my own creation that’s little more than a compilation of  many I’ve received over the years that raise these same issues and questions.

Anita, I realized I was a lesbian last year and have been struggling ever since with my faith. I know God still loves me but I’m having such a hard time finding any peace with the idea that it’s okay with God that I’m gay. I’m so afraid that when I tell my family they’ll reject me and my church won’t want me there anymore. Is it really alright with God for me to be in love with another woman?  The reason I’m asking is because I met an amazing woman online a couple months ago and what started out as a friendship has become so much more. After exchanging emails for the few first weeks we started talking on the phone. Anita, we talk for hours at a time and I’m sure I’ve met my soul mate. I feel like I’ve always known her and we tell each other everything. I love her and she loves me. She says that she wants to be with me. If loving another woman is a sin then does that mean I have to spend the rest of my life alone? Why would God make me gay and then not let me have a relationship when that’s all I’ve ever wanted as long as I can remember? I’m so confused and would appreciate any advice you could give me.

This one email raises a lesbian laundry list of issues but I’m only going to take on the first one today, that being Reconciliation before Relationship. The other concerns I’ll address over the next few days include Coming Out Before Going Out, Online Courtship Caveats, and God’s Girlfriend Guarantee. Are the titles goofy intriguing enough to keep you coming back? Again, my comments are my opinions and perspectives.  As they say in 12 step circles, take what you like and leave the rest. Just don’t leave me. I’m painfully sensitive that way.

Reconciliation before Relationship

If you’re still in the process of reconciling your faith and sexuality then you’re already deeply engaged in working on one relationship; that being your relationship with God. Focus your heart and mind there without the distraction of another relationship because admit it, physical and emotional attraction to other person and the looming possibility of a love relationship (said with a swoon and a sigh) is about the brightest, shiniest object on the planet. When love is in the air the most overwhelming issues in our life temporarily fade to nothingness. A class eight tornado could be a mile down the road and heading in your direction and “Oh, look. A tornado just threw the neighbor’s house 122 feet into the sky :::Sigh:::: I wonder if she’ll call today. I wonder what’s she’s doing right now? Is she thinking about me? She’s probably thinking about me.”

My advice? Focus Girlfriend. Focus. Attend to your relationship with God and navigating your way through reconciling and strengthening this one primary relationship before bringing someone else into the mix.

Let me offer another perspective to this issue, that being the perspective of the woman you love who is perfectly fine with being a lesbian. Here’s another email creation that mirrors so many real ones I’ve received.

My partner and I have been together for three years and we love each other so much but because she still doesn’t know if being gay and in relationship is okay she goes hot and cold on me.There are days she talks about ending our relationship because she’s afraid it’s a sin and then the next day she wants to be with me forever. She’s an emotional wreck much of the time and I don’t know what to do. I love her but I don’t know how long I can stay in a relationship that keeps going back and forth, never certain if she’s going to leave or stay. I want her to be happy being with me and not feel guilty. Can you tell me something I can say to her that will help settle this for her once and for all?

The best chance for you to have a solid relationship with another human being is to be solid in your relationship with God, so if you’re still struggling spiritually over being a lesbian then consider putting a hold on pursuing a present relationship or searching for a future one until you find your way to solid spiritual and emotional ground. The best bet for a healthy, long-lasting relationship is when both people enter into it at their healthiest self. We accept the fact that we all bring an accumulation of life baggage into our relationships but rather than dragging a wardrobe trunk in behind you take the time and effort on your self and your relationship with God to pare it down to a carry-on bag.

Oh, and if your girlfriend is impatient and won’t wait for you to work through it all then I’d wonder if she’s the best match for you. I might be old-fashioned this way but it seems to me as though selflessness and patience are trademarks of true love, that is if I Corinthians 13 means much of anything.