Chance Encounters of the Restorative Kind (Amended Post)
September 16, 2008
Wednesday
D and I were both working at home in the afternoon and decided to take a coffee break and drive up to Starbucks for a caffeine fix. I swear I’d take it direct in the veins if they offered it that way. “Would you like that espresso in a cup or IV drip?” I was, as is the norm, dressed in semi-sloppy attire; not my usual casual sloppy but home-only sloppy which takes things to another level of sloppiness altogether. This particular sloppy ensemble was highlighted by a basic white tee-shirt with bold black print across the front reading “Can I vote on your marriage now?” This is from the end of the closet I reserve for private consumption, not because I’m too timid to wear it out in public but because there are days when you just want to go to the store to buy your eggplant and Saran Wrap without getting into a debate with a conservative armed with a metal grocery cart, but on this occasion I was just too lazy to go upstairs and change (an indication of how desperately I needed a hit of caffeine) and so off we went. Because we live in a relatively conservative community the message emblazoned on my tee-shirt solic
ited the glares I’d anticipated as we passed through the outdoor seating area but once inside the store, a woman about our age looked up from the notebook she was writing in, read the message plastered across my shirt and said, “I really like your shirt.” For the next few minutes D and I had a nice conversation with this woman whose name has already bypassed my mental circuitry. What I do remember is she was spending a few hours at Starbucks waiting for her partner of seventeen years who was up the road rehearsing with her Christian musical group in preparation for an upcoming performance. She and her partner hoped to legally marry soon. We talked about our own experience with being recently married again, and then compared notes on our churches; they attend a Reconciling United Methodist congregation a couple towns over and D and I a Reconciled in Christ Lutheran Church a couple miles down the road. Nice woman. Nice conversation.
Thursday
I’d already staked out a prime location at one of the other Starbucks within a spit bullet of our home, unpacked my portable office from my backpack minus the fax machine which is just way too bulky for the bistro-sized tables and acquired my four shots of clarity on ice when another customer approached my table. Reading the titles of the books I had facing outward on the table’s edge; “If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person“, and “If God is Love: Rediscovering Grace in an Ungracious World” he asked, “So do you like these?” From that question began a 15 minute exchange of our diverse and yet similar faith experiences; he beginning as a Catholic who considered the priesthood for some time until he came to accept that celibacy wasn’t going to be such a good fit for him and me, telling of years in conservative Christianity before heading to other, more open territory in Christianity. I hesitated revealing that coming out as a lesbian had played a part in my faith relocation because I didn’t know how the information would be met by this regular-enough looking slightly-older straight man but saying anything different wouldn’t have really been telling my story and so I did. “Actually, I found that coming out as a lesbian was a strong motivation for making a transition.” “Good for you,” he said punching each word to add the force of his conviction, “Good for you for stepping out and living your life with integrity.” For the next 15 minutes Don and I talked about faith, marriage, justice, the church.
Friday
On our overnight trip to Santa Cruz D and I made dinner reservations at a restaurant overlooking the beach. We were led to our small table for two wedged tightly between other small tables for two and had barely had barely looked over the menu before the straight couple at a table next to us struck up a conversation. “I’m sorry to bother you but could you tell me what your buttons are about?” asked the woman of the couple. The buttons she was referring to were small “Vote No on Prop 8″ buttons each of us had pinned on that morning. She went on to say she knew Prop 8 involved gay marriage but she didn’t understand the wording and therefore what it would mean to vote yes or vote no. D and I explained that to vote YES means you’re saying you want the California constitution to be amended to read that marriage is exclusively for “one man and one woman,” and to vote NO means you want gay couples to have the same access to marriage under the law. Her name was Kristy. His was Dan. He was of Portuguese heritage and she had been raised a “good Catholic girl.” Both had grown up in the Santa Cruz area, were of the hippie generation and were apalled that gay marriage continued to be an issue for people. “I know I should get it but I don’t,” she said. “What are people so afraid of?” Through appetizers and the main course, D and I talked with Kristy and Dan. We each talked about our marriages, our views on politics and on justice. They smiled while commenting on how tender and loving we seemed to be with one another. They told us how their relationship, about their in-laws, and their college-age children. We told them a little about you, about this, and about all of us here, and some point toward the end of the meal, Kristy turned to us and said, “I know this won’t ever make up for anything you’ve had to deal with in your life but I want to tell you as a straight woman, I’m so sorry for what others have done to you. I’m ashamed of the way other people have behaved in all this and I just have to say how sorry I am.” It was sweet and touching and I thanked her but told her we were really okay but that others weren’t; that others had been hurt and were still being hurt and I’d pass her apology on to them, and so on behalf of Kristy and Dan, an average enough married couple with grown children and a modest home on the California coast, “Sorry.” I gave them my card and I hope someday they visit here or drop me an email. They were a very kind couple and D and I totally enjoyed having a spontaneous dinner and conversation with them…even if they didn’t offer to share their grilled artichoke appetizer with us.
Sunday
As the photos attest, D and I were dressed in matching tee-shirts which we didn’t really think about when we were surrounded by all the other queers participating in the march with us, but once we found ourselves walking back across the Golden Gate by ourselves ahead of the rest of the group the bold print reading 
“Protect the Sanctity of Marriage, Honor YOUR wedding vows!” felt like twinkling neon billboards across our chests. As is the case any and every weekend, the bridge was crowded with tourists from the Midwest of America to Singapore and all were gawking at us. “Honey, hold my hand so they get the point!” and they did get the point and many, including an elderly gray-haired straight couple, young city dwelling parents pushing strollers with their toddler clan, and the middle-aged woman escorting a gaggle of girls clad in green Girl Scout uniforms across the bridge gave us nods, smiles, and an occasional thumbs-up or “Yeh!” There were the four German tourists on bikes who after having one in their group translate my shirt to the other three, laughed and said in an accent as thick as Colonel Klink’s, “Ah, yes. Dis’ is very gud!”
In this election year where marriage equality appears on the ballot in three states (California, Arizona, Florida) the debate is growing increasingly loud and divisive. The polls show that few are neutral on the issue. Everyone has something to say and many are saying it with intolerance cloaked in untruths of our lives and relationships. It’s easy to be overwhelmed by it all when gay marriage and queers in general are the favored fodder for every TV news show, radio talk show, newspaper editorial, and blog from the personal to the political. It’s painful stuff for anyone to hear. It can wear any of us down, leaving our souls raw and spirits blistered.
Over a few days I experienced a series of genuinely warm and rewarding exchanges with strangers I met in coffee shops, in an ocean side restaurant, and on the span of a landmark bridge. I heard no intolerance, no misrepresentation of my life, no denial of my relationship with my beloved. What I heard was “Good for you for living with integrity.” “Congratulations! You two look like you have a wonderful relationship!” “You have our vote! We’re standing with you in this!”
When the rhetoric becomes all too much; when your spirit is burdened and your heart broken, I hope you remember the Christian lesbian at Starbucks and Kristy and Dan and Don and the German tourists and the young married parents on the Golden Gate Bridge. I hope you remember that for every Lindsay and Ric and e2tc and John there are hundreds and thousands of others just like them inside the church who embrace you as the Sisters in Christ that you are and that there are those outside the church who affirm your lives and your right to equal equality under the law. Above all else, remember that God affirms you, loves you, embraces you, welcomes you, takes joy in you, and stands with you.
Posted in Marriage, News and Events, Storytelling
Sweet Hope Cookies
September 16th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
You did it again. . .
How many attended the march? Were there speakers? Anita you left out all the important stuff and only put in the stuff that you knew would make me cry!
September 16th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
DragonLady—>I bad. Okay. I’m very sorry to say that while the New York Brooklyn Bridge Marriage Equality March drew 1000 participants the same morning, only 100 turned out to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. My personal feeling is that the low turn-out is reflective of the passivity of some queers in the Bay Area. That and the fact that there are too many competing causes and events that pull at time commitments of the more politically-minded. Regardless, it was a highly energized crowd. We gathered at 9:00 a.m. and milled around meeting and greeting each other for about an hour while tv crews and newspaper photojournalists showed up and conducted interviews. At 10:00 we gathered together and Davina Kotulski and Molly McKay were the speakers along with several others. A letter from Marriage Equality to be presented to Phyllis Lyon as a remembrance for the life of her wife Del Martin was read, and a lesbian mom shared the story of she and her international partner. She had one child before meeting her partner. Since they’ve been together they’ve had another child through a donor with whom they both share equal custody. Because her partner’s visa expires in January, she’s faced with the choice of leaving the United States to keep their family together or being torn apart as a family across international borders; a decision they wouldn’t face were their marriage recognized on a federal level. At about 11:00 we set off for the bridge and then returned where we began for wedding cake. The length of the walk from the bottom of Crissy Field to the other side of the bridge and back was approximately 5 miles. For the most part we walked enforce across the bridge but on the return people all walked back at their own pace which had us spread out over the span of the bridge. That’s the best as I remember it
September 16th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Anita-
“Above all else, remember that God affirms you, loves you, embraces you, welcomes you, takes joy in you, and stands with you.”
Amen Sister! Thank you for sharing that. It always make me all warm and fuzzy inside when we run in to those types of folks.
Hey, are you wearing a pink undershirt in that picture?
Kidding…..kidding. No stereotyping here!!!!
September 16th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Stephanie–> A pink “Love is Good” tee-shirt for added warmth. My, aren’t we the observant little lesbian?!
September 16th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Yes, I am. I am.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
What’s wrong with pink?
September 16th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I woke up Sunday morning and said a prayer for you and D and all those who marched. I’m glad it turned out so well. I am thrilled to hear of the positive experiences of your week. What a powerful witness the two of you were, not only on the march but in the daily conversations as well. Keep up the great work!
Oh and DL can you pass the box of tissues when you are done? I need a couple too.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Yeh, that’s right. Like DragonLady said. What are your issues with pink woman?!
Kell–> Thanks so much for the prayers and thoughts and the general sweetness. You and all the women here are a powerful witness each day of your lives!
September 16th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I like pink. And the chance encounters and conversations are amazing – thank you for sharing.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Nothing is wrong with pink!! I think pink is a fine color, beautiful! I have no issues with pink……woman.
There just happens to be this silly stereotype out there that lesbians don’t where pink. It was a joke about the ridiculous stereotypes, not about the color pink.
Ok, is that cleared up now?
September 16th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
It is a freshing breath of air to meet real people that understand. You had a great week. Anita please check your PM box
September 16th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Hi Anita,
I’ve been reading here for a while, but I’ve never posted a comment. You made a statement about “Friday” above that confused me (as a Californian): “I explained that to vote no meant you were saying you wanted the California constitution to be amended to read that marriage was exclusively for “one man and one woman,” and to vote yes meant that you wanted gay couples to have the same access marriage under the law.” Isn’t Prop. 8 the other way around? A “yes” vote means “one man and one woman” and a “no” vote means equal access to marriage for gay and straight couples?
- – - Salt
September 16th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Salt–> Oh good grief, THANK YOU for pointing out my mistake! That’s what happens when my fingers type faster than my brain can think, a much too common occurrence! I’ve amended my original post so that it’s now correct and again, thank you so much!
Eliz–>I’ll head right over
September 16th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Eliz noted the same error that Salt mentioned which means that some of you are actually reading my posts close enough to note my mistakes! I’m embarrassed….and yet somehow flattered at the same time
September 16th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Gee Anita, I noticed it but thought that I was reading it wrong. I actually went back and re-read it but thought I was missing something. Anyway, I have the same problem, fingers type different than what the brain says, so no problem there.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
[turns bright crimson] Here’s the thing: People who shout slogans (not that you folks would yell) at each other never get to see that whoever they’re shouting at (or about) is a real human being with a life and feeling and goals and hopes and dreams and… you fill in the blanks.
On reading some of your (plural) comments on Lindsey’s blog, I got to hear *people* talking about things that are important to them; about what they feel, how they believe. I got to see you making friendly jokes, telling others about things that matter to you – all kinds of things.
No matter how/where/why you ladies and I differ on some ideas (could be doctrine, could be the kinds of kitchen curtains we like/don’t like), I can’t deny your testimonies, your feelings, your lives, your thoughts. It goes completely against the grain for me to write someone off based on *one facet* of their life and personality.
All that said, I’m very much in the midst of a learning process – and I’ve been learning from many of you.
A smile and a few friendly words can go so far toward bridging gaps. I have seen it in other situations – especially in the midst of suspicions and prejudice and fear in the D.C. area, post 9/11. (I have had Arab Muslim ESL students, and quite a few Muslim friends/neighbors/acquaintances/business associates – so the anger directed at innocent people is, for me, very heartbreaking.)
There, I’d better stop for now, because I’ll write a 5,000 word essay if I keep going!
September 16th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
To err is human… We got your back girl. Love ya
September 17th, 2008 at 5:50 am
I like pink! I have pink clothing and bedding and lots of other pink stuff. I think that when I take off my pink nightie, I will have to put on my pink dress. Lesbians aren’t supposed to wear dresses either.
Stereotypes are phony depictions of people or events that are meant to sensationalize and make lots of money for media sources. They are often derogatory and prejudiced. I say that instead of picking on Anita’s pink shirt that we pick on stereotyping instead.
Kelli I am out of Kleenex *tosses a roll of TP*
e2 I made a post in the forum that I would really like to hear your thoughts on.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:22 am
okay your blog made me cry and these comments have made me laugh. great combo. lol
NO PINK!!! lol I think I may own one thing that might be pink.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:22 am
oh and AC you got mail.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Talk about God hammering the point home!
I’m glad you’ve had such a restorative time.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
DL-
Yes, I completely agree. In a different kind of way, that’s exactly what I was meaning to do……”pick on stereotyping instead.”
September 17th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Oh, don’t get me started on stupid “fashion” clichés (like “all women wear pink”). I mean, what a dumb idea!
September 18th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Girls Girls Girls—> You crack me up! I never know what is going to draw the most comments but usually it’s some of the silliest stuff. Not a bad thing, just funny. So this whole pink conversation began over the long-sleeve teeshirt I was wearing under my outer teeshirt, so let’s just be clear. It was a light smokey MAUVE teeshirt, not a PINK teeshirt. Not that I’m opposed to pink but let’s just get the facts straight and move on!
You are so funny.
September 18th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Anita-
I just want you to know, I don’t care if were wearing pink, smokey mauve or satin pink lipstick. I was really picking more at the silly stereotype than the pink smokey mauve shirt. I was being silly, which I am really good at. I hope you got that.
So pink on Sister and my apologies for starting all that.
September 18th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Well now that we got that straight, I have another issue to bring up. You need to install some Kleenex dispensers here and on the forum.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Steph–> Oh please girl as if we’re actually sensitive about colors around here or any other such issue. I was playing too…always. If I go to whack at you or anyone else for real it will be in private email that will self-destruct 5 seconds after reading it.
DragonLady–> I’m actually looking into those but unfortunately cyber-kleenex are only good for cyber-snot.
September 18th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Oh Anita, you crack me up. Cyber snot…leave it to you.
Mental note to self, bring klenex, tp, or McDonalds’ napkins to computer before opening this site. 
September 18th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
It was a light smokey MAUVE teeshirt…
All is forgiven!
September 19th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Ok Anita…
That Starbucks IV You have a picture of…I want one!!! Really I do!!!
Thanks again for everything you do and all the encouragement you provide!
Cindy