Change or Be Celibate!
August 5, 2008
Does God require life-long celibacy of all those with same-sex attractions?
No.
Should I say more? Okay. I will. Much more.
You hear it all the time, from self-named ex-gay ministries, from conservative Christian circles, from family and friends; gays and lesbians committed to the Christian life are to refrain from all sexual activity. Be gay but just don’t behave gay. Life-long celibacy is presented to us as a required sacrifice; we’re to give up the present reality or future possibility of a sexually intimate relationship with another human being in order to pursue a righteous and holy love with God. Apparently, this is another unique difference between being straight and being queer; straight Christians can manage to have both while we need to choose between one or the other.
But where does this idea that God demands life-long celibacy of gays and lesbians comes from? Not the Bible that’s for sure. There’s not a single line of the Mosaic law that requires celibacy of a particular category of people. Jesus never insisted that anyone be celibate. Though Paul was single and thought it would be best if everyone was like him, even he never presented celibacy as an ultimatum to salvation or righteousness. So how have certain Christians come up the life-long celibacy clause for queer Christians anyway? It seems there are a few contributing factors.
- They believe homosexuality is sin.
- They believe premarital sex is sin.
- They recognize that same-sex attractions continue to exist even for those gays and lesbians who are committed to leaving the gay lifestyle. Their words, not mine.
When considering all these, many Christians arrive at lifelong celibacy as the only option that will allow for gays and lesbians to even have a chance at attaining and then maintaining moral Christian lives. But let’s just be clear, the Bible has nothing to do with presenting celibacy as the cure or condition all for queers. Here’s what the Bible does say about celibacy.
Matthew 19:1-12
Despite how opponents to same-sex marriage have misused this passage in their “marriage is one man and one woman” arsenal, this encounter between Jesus and the Pharisees centers on the law around divorce. The Pharisees ask Jesus if it’s ever lawful for a man to divorce his wife. Jesus answers no and goes on to explain that when they married they became one and therefore it wasn’t the place of man to separate what God had joined. Here’s one of my infamous a-sides that I include just because I find such details fascinating. A man and woman became one specifically in the act of sexual intercourse, and so it was understood that a man would become one with any and all woman he had sex with, not only his wife. With this in mind 1 Corinthians 6:16 states that a man who has had sex with a prostitute makes her one with him. While this has nothing to do with the topic of celibacy I think it gives a valuable insight into the over-emphasis that’s being loaded onto “and the two shall become one” as the exclusive potential of a husband and wife. We now return to our regularly scheduled blog post.
The Pharisees went on to counter Jesus’ response by reminding him that Moses allowed for a man to give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away, to which Jesus explained that Moses allowed divorce because people had drifted from God’s original intention. While recognizing the reality that marriages would fail, Jesus attempts to firm up the boundaries by instructing them that only infidelity on the part of the wife was reason for divorce and if a man divorced for any other reason and married another woman, he was committing (practicing) adultery.
The disciples overheard the conversation and said, “Man, those conditions are harsh! If that’s the deal with marriage then it sounds better not to get married at all.” Jesus acknowledges that what they said was true but goes on to stipulate that only those not given to marrying can receive such a thing and then he refers specifically to eunuchs as an example.
“For there are those eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to receive this, let him receive it.” Matthew 19:12
Okay, this is another a-side but it seems important enough to give a mention. The dictionary definition of a eunuch is a man who has had his testicles removed; a castrated male. Do a search of “eunuch, homosexual” and you’ll discover there’s a wide range of views as to whether homosexual males would have fallen under the category of eunuch in first-century Palestine due to the absence of sexual desire for women in either case. If comparisons are to be made I’d propose a more viable argument could be made for the term eunuch expanding to include M2F transfolk than to gay males since castration would certainly fall under the category of genital modification. Oh, and while we’re on the topic of eunuchs, jump over to Acts 8:26-40 for the account of the Ethiopian Eunuch’s conversion. I really like the story but again, that’s another a-side which I’ll try to refrain from doing so liberally in the future.
All I want to point out here is that both marriage and celibacy (being a eunuch equated with sexual abstinence) are shown in Matthew 19 as options for humanity. In the passage Jesus seems to be emphasizing singleness as a special vocation and notes examples of those who are able to accept the single life. What Jesus does not do is insist that anyone choose celibacy if it hasn’t been given to them to live, or indulge me in paraphrasing, “if you can receive this teaching then receive it and be single. If you can’t receive it then go ahead and marry.”
I Corinthians 7:1-9
If Paul had his way everyone would be single. He recommends the single life to everyone; to men, to women, to the widow, but he commands it of no one. In verse 7, Paul says that celibacy is a gift that’s not given to all people, and then he goes on to say that if the temptation for sex is too great for someone then that’s a reasonably clear indication they don’t have the gift of celibacy and that person should marry.
Paul’s teaching goes directly against that of those who currently require celibacy of gays and lesbians. Many gay and lesbian Christians, believing it the right thing to do, have attempted to adopt a commitment to living a celibate life but all the while they ache for an intimate relationship with another human being of the same gender. They want to express their sexuality and their love in physical ways. They long to kiss, to hold, to kadoodle. When they share this tension between their commitment to celibacy and their desire for intimacy and are honest about the pain and discontentment of living their lives in this way, they’re reminded that following Christ isn’t always easy, that sacrifice is devotion and suffering is holy. They are admonished to sacrifice physical intimacy with another person for spiritual union with God. Celibacy is your cross my dear sexually-confused friend. Pick it up and follow Christ.
And yet, in Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7 he emphasizes that celibacy is a unique calling, and as with all callings, it comes as a gift from God, rather than a requirement of any man. Paul also goes on to say that if you find yourself desiring physical intimacy with another human being, if you long for physical expression of your sexuality, then it’s all to apparent you aren’t gifted with or called to the celibate life.
And here’s another thing, she said with arms akimbo, it really chips my paint when there’s an implied message that being sexually active or partnered as a gay or lesbian person is taking the easy way. I’ll tell you what the easy way would be for most queer Christians. The easy way would be nodding our heads and acquiescing to the imposed celibacy mandate from segments of Christianity because I dare say it’s far easier to live without sex than to live with the continual disapproval, scorn, and ridicule of religious institutions and the ever-present suffocatingly repressive inequality in society. It takes tremendous faith and trust in God to live as queer believers when the fullest expression of our lives is rejected by certain ones among God’s people. As is always the case, following Christ’s call comes at a price, but the price is always outweighed by the rewards doled out by God’s generous hands.
God calls some queer and some straight folks to lives of life-long celibacy, and those who God calls will find their greatest fulfillment and satisfaction in that life. They’ll be happy and at peace in that state. They won’t be constantly warring within themselves against sexual desires and desperate longings for intimacy. Celibacy is a gift of God and a gift is a good thing; it’s never intended to be a burden around someone’s neck or a means to control someone’s genuine desires. If you’re queer and you desire a sexually intimate relationship then according to brother Paul, the calling of celibacy hasn’t been given to you. Sorry. It might be your temporary condition; it might even be your situation indefinitely but if you continue to want for something else, to be with someone else, don’t assume you’ve been called to life-long celibacy by default. Chances are the state of being single for you is more a matter of finding the right person at the right time than a divine appointment.
Did you ever hear someone say inside the walls of the church, “Don’t tell God you don’t want to go to India to serve Him that will guarantee it will be just the place God will send you.” For some of us, we actually believed that’s how God did things. God would make you do the very thing you didn’t want to do just to see if you really loved him. God told Abraham to sacrifice the son he loved and now God’s telling people to go where they don’t want to go and do what they don’t want to do just to see if they’ll obey. Oh sure, we turn it into a joke by turning our eyes upward, clasping our hands together in prayer and pleading “Please God, of any place in the world, please oh please don’t send me to the coast of France. I will follow you anywhere but there” but deep inside some of us, there’s still the fear that this is how God is. The last thing some of us want is to be called to celibacy and because it’s the last thing we want we fear it might be what God will require of us. If that’s even a fuzzy thought in the back of your head, would you let it go? Please. Give God more credit than that.
If you don’t desire to live into the calling of celibacy then your calling isn’t to life-long celibacy. But for now, in this state of singleness choose to be content where you find yourself. This is where I insert Philippians 4:11-13 and encourage you to apply it in this context. I also want to encourage you to use this time as a party of one to savor not only the rich extravagance of solitude but to take advantage of the opportunity to direct your energy toward forming other significant relationships where you can express love and affection through acts of service; make connections with an elderly couple in your neighborhood, a family in your congregation, a young person at the local GLBTQ community center. I love being married but when I was single, I loved that too. Just take today for what it is and what it holds.
I Timothy 4:1
And just when you thought it couldn’t get more interesting, we come to this passage where those who demanded that other people not marry were to be regarded as quote – hypocritical liars – unquote, and their teaching on compulsory celibacy was deemed heresy.
Hmm. . .that’s all I’m saying about that because if I say much more I might need to repent for words better left unsaid.
In conclusion of this long and garbled post let me just sum up what I’ve said, what I think I said, or what I intended but didn’t get around to saying.
- There’s no Scriptural basis for requiring that gays and lesbians devote themselves to celibacy.
- Jesus said that the state of singleness was given to some and not to others, and that if it was given them they would be able to receive it.
- Paul spoke of celibacy as a unique calling but only for those who were content in that state.
- Scripture suggests that imposing a requirement of celibacy on any one is contrary to God’s will.
- Choosing to be sexually abstinent whether for a season or indefinitely isn’t the same thing as choosing a life of voluntary celibacy.
- The state of singleness and the state of marriage are of equal value and worth in the human experience and before God.
- Live with integrity, allowing your understanding of God and your relationship with the Holy to guide you in determining the course of your life in all things.
Posted in Sexual Ethics
August 6th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Oooo, it really grates me when people think it’s the easy way out to be openly gay and in a relationship. A close friend (and pastor) told me not to give in to the “softness of human emotions” when my partner and I came out. He obviously had no idea about the non-softness I was going through! Needless to say, we’re not so close anymore …
When I first realised I was a lesbian I vowed to stay celibate for the rest of my life. In fact, I was actually contemplating becoming a nun. This became a major issue for me a few months into my first (and current) relationship.
My Calvinistic guilt took over and I told my partner I couldn’t do it anymore. At that stage I haven’t been able to look God in the eyes for months and the feeling was killing me.
So that evening I couldn’t stop crying and praying and I remember at one stage asking God to take me from this earth now that I have confessed my sins, because I could not live without her.
Then at some point I stopped crying and the truth hit me:
A God of love will not cast judgment upon love.
I’ve been happy ever since …
August 6th, 2008 at 7:08 am
I am saving this to really pour over it and soak it in. It is a definite bookmark post for sure. Thank you for the amount of time and care you pour over these posts! You remain such a blessing!!!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Wow Anita, another great post. I never thought about celibacy in that context. I did the whole “I may be gay but I will never act on it” route and that is a rough place to be. I know I am not called to celibacy but for a long time I felt guilt that I dreamed of being in a relationship with a woman.
I wish I had this post a couple of years ago, it would have made things easier. I know someone who is at that point in life will find great comfort and peace in what you wrote. I agree with Wendy, you and your posts are such a blessing!
August 6th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Wow, here is a post that hits close to home. It outlines exactly what I’ve been mulling over for the last several weeks: I just moved out of my parent’s house and for the first time in my life am completely on my own and… alone. I thought it would be great, but what I’m finding is a deep, dark, cold loneliness and a strong desire for another person with which to share my life. My house feels like an empty box.
The teaching that gays and lesbians were meant to be celibate simply because we are queer was always under question, but now it isn’t holding any water whatsoever. Humans were created as social beings and in most cases NEED intimate companionship to survive and thrive. I pray almost everyday and read my Bible every night. But I can tell you that no matter how strong a relationship I develop with God, it is not warming the spot in bed next to me, sharing dinner with me, cuddling with me, kadoodling with me, talking to me, lovingly bickering with me, watching TV with me, getting up with me to check that bump in the middle of the night (did it ever occur to the champions of celibacy that there is a lack of safety and security by oneself?) or even remotely filling the ever more obvious and seemingly increasing void. I find myself watching movies like Saving Face and Desert Hearts just to catch a glimpse of that intimate companionship, hoping to one day have that in my own life.
Do I have the gift of celibacy? NO. It couldn’t be more obvious. But with men being the equivalent of cardboard, now what? I find it interesting that many Christians believe that God has created a companion for each of us (or sometimes not), that some poeple were meant to marry, some were meant to be single, some people were meant to have children, some people were meant to adopt, some people were meant to be friends, everything happens for a reason, we meet people for a reason, somethings are just meant to be etc. etc. But when it comes to gays or lesbians meeting that person who completes and enriches their lives, well it just can’t be meant to be. I’m beginning to think that our relationships are meant to be and planned by God long before we came into existence.
Anyway, thank you for keeping this blog. My relationship with God was pretty much dead. Heaps of condemnation and several Bible beatings had all but driven me away and destroyed it. But after reading this blog and others like it, well I’ve realized that God is still there and still loves me just as I am no matter what others might want me to believe. So my relationship with God is gradually being rekindled. At one time that just didn’t seem possible. So I guess I’ll go, but this was a really good post!
August 6th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Wow Anita! I personally believe this is the best post yet. Written with great passion, clarity and fire!
“…..I dare say it’s far easier to live without sex than to live with the continual disapproval, scorn, and ridicule of religious institutions and the ever-present suffocatingly repressive inequality in society. It takes tremendous faith and trust in God to live as queer believers when the fullest expression of our lives is rejected by certain ones among God’s people.”
Yes! Yes! Yes! Far easier! I personally have experienced both and living without sex is far easier than dealing with all the nastiness that comes from others when being in love with one of the same sex. HOWEVER, I can say with all my heart I would rather be in the thick of all the disapproval, scorn and nastiness sharing God’s love with others with my one true love!
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:19 am
Hi,
I just read the above blog post, and it was a refreshing take on the very issues I find myself now struggling with. Prior to about six months ago, I had no problem with the issue of my lesbian lifestyle in regard to my ’status’ as a Christian. It was pretty much a non-issue for me. I did, however, seek to find a lifelong mate who was also a Christian. And it was difficult, is still difficult at the age of forty-eight now.
About seven months ago, I moved to a new city, and found a WONDERFUL church that’s just really alive, community oriented, and non-judgemental. It’s a FAOG church, but our pastor and is a bit of a renegade. He’s all about reaching out and people coming just as they are, to be received with opens arms. The love and acceptance in this church is so palpable. In the last few weeks; however, I have felt a very strong pull to reflect on my lifestyle, and whether or not it has prospered me, or done me harm over the years. At the same time, I’ve felt an insistent urge to become more heavily involved in the varied and unique ministries of the church. I have two children (from previous marriage to a man eons ago), and they are likewise excited by what goes on in this church. I’ve never seen my kids so eager to go ANYWHERE before, and they’ve got to be there EVERY Sunday, or they feel like their entire week’s sorely lacking. They’re eighteen and thirteen.
I think what I’m feeling is more about a desire to spend more time getting to know God deeply, and living a more wholesome lifestyle in general, whatever that happens to wind up being. And I’m beginning to have a problem within myself raising kids who are spirit-filled Christians, committed to being virgins until marriage (by their upbringing), yet, carrying on relationships that are sexual in our home. No, I have not had a lot of partners, and have always been in committed relationships before I even introduce my children or have a live-in situation; still, it’s there for my children to witness.
Here’s where the dilemma comes in for me, and what actually caused me to seek out a site or blog such as this: In thinking about intimate, sexual encounters with women right now, I am totally repulsed. I have never felt this way before, so it confuses me. I think about other lesbian friends, who might as well have revolving doors to their bedrooms, and that REALLY makes me feel ill, literally sick to my stomach. I don’t want to have anything to do with them anymore. But then I begin to wonder if my feelings are based on the fact that I’ve never had a single lesbian relationship in which I haven’t ultimately been used, betrayed, or deceived. I haven’t had a single lesbian relationship where there hasn’t been some form of emotional imbalance in play or an unhealthy codependency. It makes me wonder if this is common in the lesbian population, or for lesbian relationships.
I don’t know what I’m getting at here, except that I would really love to have some feedback. All I’m sure about at this point is that I want to seek more of God, and the thought of living an active lesbian lifestyle is a total turn-off. Has anyone else gone through this? Has it been just a phase? Do we sometimes just require a period of celibacy in order to renew ourselves and our faith? Is there a place for indiscriminate sex among lesbians who aren’t in a committed relationship that they believe to be for life? Are we fornicators? A lot of questions, I know. My head is swimming!
Mia
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Mia—>You said so much and raised so many questions, good questions, that it’s hard to even know where to begin or what to tackle. I guess the starting point for me would be at the end of what you wrote in responding to something I feel that I do know for sure and that is that no, not all lesbian relationships are emotional imbalanced or centered in unhealthy codependency. When I reflect honestly on all the relationships I’ve witnessed over my life, I’d have to say that I’ve seen an equal percentage of healthy and unhealthy relationships in both straight and gay relationships. If your experience or that of others is that a greater percentage of lesbian relationships tend to be unhealthy, I’d suggest that has less to do with being lesbian and more to the lack of support, teaching, and models that lesbians have had in forming their relationships than do their straight counterparts. Are there unhealthy lesbian relationships? Yes. Are there some lesbians who in a relationship will betray, use, and deceive their partner? Yes. Just as their are straight men who would do the same thing in a heterosexual relationship but again, that’s not about sexual orientation but about individual character. Some lesbians are a mess in relationships not because they’re lesbians but because their lives are just a mess. Equally I share your feelings about being uncomfortable around relationships that include a revolving door which is why my wife and I surround ourselves with people and couples who share the same basic personal ethics and commitments to their relationship as we do to ours. We all choose who our friends are and while our friends are very diverse, their diversity doesn’t conflict with our basic commitments such as being faithful, monogamous, and respectful of one another.
You mention, and understandably so, your concern for your sons and that they would be exposed to sexual relationships in your home while at the same time you’re trying to teach them sexual mores that are important to you including abstinence until marriage. That’s a fair concern but I’m also mindful of a number of lesbian couples who waited until they made a marriage commitment to one another before entering into a sexual relationship. Yes, they actually waited until after their wedding day to consummate their relationship. Hard to imagine for any couples, gay or straight these days. I also know single lesbians who have made the commitment to be abstinent until there is someone who is as committed to entering into a lifelong relationship as they are. What I’m saying is, if modeling a particular sexual ethic for your boys is a priority to you, then it’s up to you to choose whether or not that’s the example you will provide for them. The standards for a lesbian mom and for her teenage sons don’t necessarily have to be different nor does it need to be a conflict.
Otherwise Mia, it sounds like you’re in a rather profound place of self-searching and questioning. It also sounds like you’ve found a church that’s life-giving to you and to your boys and if that’s a place where you can be fully accepted in your wholeness and as you are, then that’s great. If it’s a place where your boys will be nurtured in God’s unconditional love for all people free of judgment of those who are different than them, then hurray! You’ve found a gold mine of a congregation. But if you pursue another life, or feel compelled in any way to give up something that feels most truly you to become more acceptable to the church, the pastor, or to God, then that would be a concern. I guess as always I would just encourage you to continue seeking God’s Spirit in all this and then trust God to speak to you and trust yourself to hear him when he does.
September 4th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I agree with most of what you’re saying, but here is my hesitation. The Bible does state a man and woman should not have sex before marriage and just because we’re gay doesn’t give us the right to re-interpret Scripture. I think it is a sin to have sex before marriage and I am gay. I do not know where this leaves me. I can either remain celibate, or sin. It is not an easy choice obviously, but it is one I have to make. I do not see another way out unless same sex marriage becomes legal.
What do you say to the passages that clearly speak against sex before marriage regardless of if you’re gay or straight?
September 5th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Sam–> In the next couple days I’m going to address your comment in a new blog post because you raise an important discussion that I know if of concern/interest to others and I don’t want it to be lost in the comments section of this post.
December 27th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
My old school messed me up; It taught me that “God loves pain” and the like. I found myself “becoming” attracted to the same sex (more like finally acknowledging it) and hated myself for it. I thought everything I did was a sin. It’s taken me a few (VERY) hard years to finally figure out the truth… That “God is Love, and he who lives in Love lives in God and God lives in him”.
This site has cleared all the doubt and insecurities out of my head about the whole NRRRR GAY+CATHOLIC=NOWAI stuff.
I can’t really express my gratitude in words, but I wish that this site and all that you write could be in a book or something. And it probably is already in a book, but if it is then perhaps a MOVIE. A nice one… without all the corny overdone effects and overly dramatic music and stuff.
And (*sighs* I’m no good at this stuff) thank you so much for this. Tell your wife that I say thanks as well; In fact, thanks to both of you for bringing more Love into the world.
8D
It always makes a difference.
December 27th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
AND HAPPY LATE CHRISTMAS by the way. XD
December 30th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Cicely —> Hey, an even later Happy Christmas to you too and thank you for adding a comment! I so identified with what you wrote and am so gladdened to hear that you are leaving doubt and insecurities behind…about who you are, about how God loves you, about whatever it is that caused you to believe anything other than in God’s great love for you and your place within God’s heart. As to this site Cicely, there’s no book at the present and no movie deals that I know of…frankly, I think the studios are waiting until they can convince Meryl Streep to play me
Thank you for the sweet comment about D and I bringing more love into the world…that made me smile…alot. And yes, LOVE always makes a difference! Blessings, Anita