What do you say to the passages that clearly speak against sex before marriage regardless of if you’re gay or straight?

You mention, and understandably so, your concern for your sons and that they would be exposed to sexual relationships in your home while at the same time you’re trying to teach them sexual mores that are important to you including abstinence until marriage. That’s a fair concern but I’m also mindful of a number of lesbian couples who waited until they made a marriage commitment to one another before entering into a sexual relationship. Yes, they actually waited until after their wedding day to consummate their relationship. Hard to imagine for any couples, gay or straight these days. I also know single lesbians who have made the commitment to be abstinent until there is someone who is as committed to entering into a lifelong relationship as they are. What I’m saying is, if modeling a particular sexual ethic for your boys is a priority to you, then it’s up to you to choose whether or not that’s the example you will provide for them. The standards for a lesbian mom and for her teenage sons don’t necessarily have to be different nor does it need to be a conflict.

Otherwise Mia, it sounds like you’re in a rather profound place of self-searching and questioning. It also sounds like you’ve found a church that’s life-giving to you and to your boys and if that’s a place where you can be fully accepted in your wholeness and as you are, then that’s great. If it’s a place where your boys will be nurtured in God’s unconditional love for all people free of judgment of those who are different than them, then hurray! You’ve found a gold mine of a congregation. But if you pursue another life, or feel compelled in any way to give up something that feels most truly you to become more acceptable to the church, the pastor, or to God, then that would be a concern. I guess as always I would just encourage you to continue seeking God’s Spirit in all this and then trust God to speak to you and trust yourself to hear him when he does.

I just read the above blog post, and it was a refreshing take on the very issues I find myself now struggling with. Prior to about six months ago, I had no problem with the issue of my lesbian lifestyle in regard to my ‘status’ as a Christian. It was pretty much a non-issue for me. I did, however, seek to find a lifelong mate who was also a Christian. And it was difficult, is still difficult at the age of forty-eight now.

About seven months ago, I moved to a new city, and found a WONDERFUL church that’s just really alive, community oriented, and non-judgemental. It’s a FAOG church, but our pastor and is a bit of a renegade. He’s all about reaching out and people coming just as they are, to be received with opens arms. The love and acceptance in this church is so palpable. In the last few weeks; however, I have felt a very strong pull to reflect on my lifestyle, and whether or not it has prospered me, or done me harm over the years. At the same time, I’ve felt an insistent urge to become more heavily involved in the varied and unique ministries of the church. I have two children (from previous marriage to a man eons ago), and they are likewise excited by what goes on in this church. I’ve never seen my kids so eager to go ANYWHERE before, and they’ve got to be there EVERY Sunday, or they feel like their entire week’s sorely lacking. They’re eighteen and thirteen.

I think what I’m feeling is more about a desire to spend more time getting to know God deeply, and living a more wholesome lifestyle in general, whatever that happens to wind up being. And I’m beginning to have a problem within myself raising kids who are spirit-filled Christians, committed to being virgins until marriage (by their upbringing), yet, carrying on relationships that are sexual in our home. No, I have not had a lot of partners, and have always been in committed relationships before I even introduce my children or have a live-in situation; still, it’s there for my children to witness.

Here’s where the dilemma comes in for me, and what actually caused me to seek out a site or blog such as this: In thinking about intimate, sexual encounters with women right now, I am totally repulsed. I have never felt this way before, so it confuses me. I think about other lesbian friends, who might as well have revolving doors to their bedrooms, and that REALLY makes me feel ill, literally sick to my stomach. I don’t want to have anything to do with them anymore. But then I begin to wonder if my feelings are based on the fact that I’ve never had a single lesbian relationship in which I haven’t ultimately been used, betrayed, or deceived. I haven’t had a single lesbian relationship where there hasn’t been some form of emotional imbalance in play or an unhealthy codependency. It makes me wonder if this is common in the lesbian population, or for lesbian relationships.

I don’t know what I’m getting at here, except that I would really love to have some feedback. All I’m sure about at this point is that I want to seek more of God, and the thought of living an active lesbian lifestyle is a total turn-off. Has anyone else gone through this? Has it been just a phase? Do we sometimes just require a period of celibacy in order to renew ourselves and our faith? Is there a place for indiscriminate sex among lesbians who aren’t in a committed relationship that they believe to be for life? Are we fornicators? A lot of questions, I know. My head is swimming!

Mia

“…..I dare say it’s far easier to live without sex than to live with the continual disapproval, scorn, and ridicule of religious institutions and the ever-present suffocatingly repressive inequality in society. It takes tremendous faith and trust in God to live as queer believers when the fullest expression of our lives is rejected by certain ones among God’s people.”

Yes! Yes! Yes! Far easier! I personally have experienced both and living without sex is far easier than dealing with all the nastiness that comes from others when being in love with one of the same sex. HOWEVER, I can say with all my heart I would rather be in the thick of all the disapproval, scorn and nastiness sharing God’s love with others with my one true love!

The teaching that gays and lesbians were meant to be celibate simply because we are queer was always under question, but now it isn’t holding any water whatsoever. Humans were created as social beings and in most cases NEED intimate companionship to survive and thrive. I pray almost everyday and read my Bible every night. But I can tell you that no matter how strong a relationship I develop with God, it is not warming the spot in bed next to me, sharing dinner with me, cuddling with me, kadoodling with me, talking to me, lovingly bickering with me, watching TV with me, getting up with me to check that bump in the middle of the night (did it ever occur to the champions of celibacy that there is a lack of safety and security by oneself?) or even remotely filling the ever more obvious and seemingly increasing void. I find myself watching movies like Saving Face and Desert Hearts just to catch a glimpse of that intimate companionship, hoping to one day have that in my own life.

Do I have the gift of celibacy? NO. It couldn’t be more obvious. But with men being the equivalent of cardboard, now what? I find it interesting that many Christians believe that God has created a companion for each of us (or sometimes not), that some poeple were meant to marry, some were meant to be single, some people were meant to have children, some people were meant to adopt, some people were meant to be friends, everything happens for a reason, we meet people for a reason, somethings are just meant to be etc. etc. But when it comes to gays or lesbians meeting that person who completes and enriches their lives, well it just can’t be meant to be. I’m beginning to think that our relationships are meant to be and planned by God long before we came into existence.

Anyway, thank you for keeping this blog. My relationship with God was pretty much dead. Heaps of condemnation and several Bible beatings had all but driven me away and destroyed it. But after reading this blog and others like it, well I’ve realized that God is still there and still loves me just as I am no matter what others might want me to believe. So my relationship with God is gradually being rekindled. At one time that just didn’t seem possible. So I guess I’ll go, but this was a really good post!

I wish I had this post a couple of years ago, it would have made things easier. I know someone who is at that point in life will find great comfort and peace in what you wrote. I agree with Wendy, you and your posts are such a blessing!