Coming Out Day

January 1, 2006

This message was presented during a “Coming-Out” service at Pacific School of Religion in the Fall of 2002 by the Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies in Religion and Ministry (CLGS). Click here for the audio transcript.

My name is Anita. I’m a third year student here at Pacific School of Religion, seeking ordination in Christian ministry.

Rather than telling my story in my own words, I’d like to tell it through three letters I’ve received from people I’ve never met in response to my website that dares to suggest you can be Christian and be gay.

Letter number one:

“I find it incredibly amazing that people have become so reprobate that they actually believe they can practice abominations and end up in the good grace of God. Coming out of the closet should not be your concern, but coming out of the spirit of deception should be. I really hope that God will wake you up, but I’m afraid that it’s too late.

So why don’t you just admit that you’re in an evil, wicked, abnormal lifestyle and repent. Become normal. And put away all your false interpretations that you use to justify your disgusting lifestyle. You will suffer in eternity because of the filth of your lies, and I won’t shed a tear.”

At one time that was me, and while I would hope there would have been an edge of compassion in my own words, I believed for many years that homosexuality was a defiant act of rebellion against God.

Letter number two:

“Hi. My name is Abigail. I’m 25 years old. I’m gay, and I’m in a relationship. I have been a member of a Southern Baptist church all my life. I was the Assistant Youth Minister. Rachel and I confessed our relationship to the pastor a few months ago. Since then we have been voted out of the church, and we were asked to sign a piece of paper stating that we wished our name to be removed from the roster.

I am so confused. I don’t want to go to hell, but according to the pastor all the nations that were judged in the Old Testament weren’t judged until homosexuality had been accepted. He said that to the Lord, homosexuality is the last straw. I’m terrified that I’m going to hell.

I love Rachel with all my heart. Yet I sometimes feel like I have to choose between heaven and Rachel, that I can’t have both.

I feel so rejected. Even if I were to look for a church I’m afraid that we would be asked to leave there too. I am so confused. I wish I were normal. And I want to be close to God again, yet I feel like because of who and what I am I will be forever separated. Please help. How did you ever get to where you are? Is it possible that we’re all deceived? Are you ever afraid? Are you really afraid of going to hell?

I know that you must be extremely busy, but if you can, will you please write me back?”

At one time that was me, coming out in the context of an evangelical Christian denomination in licensed ministry for 17 years and realizing I was the
very thing that I had so detested and feared. And like Abigail, the fear of the future, the fear that I would never be able to be in ministry again, the despair of thinking that God and I were no longer in relationship, that I would have to make a choice that would be impossible.

Letter number three:

“Thank you for your web site. Your writings have enlightened and inspired me. I realize now I’m not a contradiction or a failure or hypocrite merely because I’m attracted to women and consider myself a Christian. This self-realization was truly a light-bulb moment—one that lifted quite a weight from my shoulders and made me weep with delight. I now embark on my journey to be honest with my family and friends, knowing that Jesus is there beside me.

As an attorney I work in the very system that oppresses anyone who does not conform to an accepted sexual orientation. You may not know, but in some places in my country you can be arrested in your own home if engaged in gay or lesbian acts. My new-found confidence will help me to make a difference in the application of these oppressive national and state laws. Call this youthful optimism, but I feel the stirring of a revolution. But one step at a time. Who was it said that Rome wasn’t conquered in a day?

Anita, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to you know that your message has spread to the bottom corner of the earth. It’s touched my life, as I’m sure it’s touched the lives of many Australian lesbians. Your passion for equality is infectious and is spreading. God
bless you. Vanessa.”

I had my own light-bulb moment. It came to me in my bedroom with my faced pressed against the carpet, praying out to God as I had done for so many nights before. It’s a moment I have never bothered to describe to people because it was so personal. But I knew in that moment as Psalm 139 said, if God knew me when I was in my mother’s womb, that this thing that had just been revealed to me, was not new news to God, that God had known all along, and the confidence I had in God’s love before I had this self-realization was still present, or it had all been a lie. And I too, like Vanessa I have the hope that things really can change one person at a time. I read those stories because not only do they tell my story, but because this place against all that we want it to be can be a very insular place. I can say the words to you, “I’m a lesbian Christian,” and you don’t look like deer in headlights, you don’t look at me with revilement and disgust. It’s almost boring around here. I’m trying to come up with a fresh angle on it, but that’s about it.

These are the voices of people. And this is why Esther came out. Esther came out for Esther because she knew that if she didn’t, at some point they would come for her, that it was about her. But she also came out for her people. And so I consider my own coming out to be one of the most selfish things that I have ever done in my life, but that doesn’t mean that God can’t use it.

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Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Opposing, Personal Stories, Public Homilies, Queering the Bible, Questioning