Dyke Dating: Coming Out Before Going In
February 17, 2009
Based on several of the comments to my previous posts, I want to clear up my intention on the previous and upcoming posts on relationships. Here’s what I’m not doing. I’m not telling you there’s a right way and a wrong way to any of this, at least in the areas I’m currently addressing. Trust me, I have a healthy ego but it’s not so bloated that I would presume to tell anyone else the right and wrong way for them to proceed when it comes to relationships. So what am I attempting to do? I’m just hoping to offer some food for thought to those who are in the initial stages of coming out as a lesbian and considering moving into a relationship. My experience has been that in the midst of big life changes we can become so overwhelmed we aren’t possibly able to take everything into account as we move forward and so I’m just tossing a few thoughts out there that fall under the category of “you might want to consider this as you take the next step.”
Are we on the same page now? Fantastic! Now turning back to the email…
Anita, I realized I was a lesbian last year and have been struggling ever since with my faith. I know God still loves me but I’m having such a hard time finding any peace with the idea that it’s okay with God that I’m gay. I’m so afraid that when I tell my family they’ll reject me and my church won’t want me there anymore. Is it really alright with God for me to be in love with another woman? The reason I’m asking is because I met an amazing woman online a couple months ago and what started out as a friendship has become so much more. After exchanging emails for the few first weeks we started talking on the phone. Anita, we talk for hours at a time and I’m sure I’ve met my soul mate. I feel like I’ve always known her and we tell each other everything. I love her and she loves me. She says that she wants to be with me. If loving another woman is a sin then does that mean I have to spend the rest of my life alone? Why would God make me gay and then not let me have a relationship when that’s all I’ve ever wanted as long as I can remember? I’m so confused and would appreciate any advice you could give me.
Come Out as Gay Before Going Into a Relationship
It’s not all that unusual to fall in love with someone before going through the process of coming out to our immediate circle of family and friends. The reality is that for some of us falling in love with another woman was the very thing that led us to finally begin to come to terms with our sexual orientation. Life has repeatedly proven that we don’t always get to pick the timing of how events in our life play out but being in a relationship with another women before coming out to your family adds a complication that would seem at least worth considering.
Whether we’re coming out to our families as a single woman or as one already in relationship with another woman, coming out to our families brings a radical shift to the entire family system. It’s a weird but common principle that when there’s a dramatic change within one member of a family or any group of people, it forces everyone within that system to reconsider their own relationships and role to the other members. In a family, whether it’s ever spoken or not, every family member has a role to fulfill, a role that has been largely defined for them by the other members that they in turn live into. There’s the dependable one, the funny one, the troubled one and if we held any role in our families outside of the rebellious troublemaker chances are we no longer fit into the expectations and role we had in the family and that upsets the whole school of familial fish. Whatever family configuration we’re talking about (with our parents, with our adult children) the family needs time to come to terms with our new identity within the family and with any other relationships and roles in the family that might have flipped in the process.
For those of you who have already come out to your families can you relate to any of this? Did you see roles change in your family? Did people relate differently to you and to each other after you came out? I’m not saying any of this is a bad thing. Some families only benefit from breaking free of their traditional roles and establishing new places within the family but whatever the end result it’s an agonizing process for the entire system and my concern is that bringing a girlfriend into the mix in the eye of the storm has the potential to increase the upheaval to the family because it doesn’t allow the established members of the family to fall back into place (or a new place) before being forced to come to terms with a stranger in their midst.
Can I raise one more thing to consider? Oh wait. This is my blog. Of course I can!
Let’s make three assumptions that I know might not apply to everyone and while I’m going to refer to parents, you could easily replace that with children, as in yours if you have any. First, your parents are strongly opposed to homosexuality for either religious or societal reasons. Second, your parents feel like they did a relatively good to great job in raising you. Third, your parents love you. And let’s make a fourth assumption I wish we didn’t have to make but one that tends to be true more often than not given that the first assumption is true; when you tell them you’re gay their first reaction isn’t to hang a rainbow flag from the front porch. However they react to the news there’s bound to be a barrel load of mixed emotions in play when the words come out of your mouth and those emotions can be so overwhelming in the moment that they’re going to be desperately searching for someplace to channel the intensity of their emotional feelings. You’re their flesh and blood, they know they didn’t raise you to be gay, and so they begin scrambling unconsciously to make sense of it by finding the reason for why the unthinkable has happened to you and in turn to the family.
Here’s what I can tell you from stories I’ve heard. Take them for what they’re worth. There are several couples I’ve known over the years who in coming out to their parents and/or adult children chose the moment of their coming out to tell their families they had met a wonderful woman who they loved and who loved them in return. This other woman brought into the initial conversation when the emotions were running full tilt then became the one who bore the blame for luring their daughter into the homosexual lifestyle or changed their mom into something they had previously been taught was sinful. No matter how much the woman in your life loves you, that’s a big target on her back to carry and it can take a long time for the arrows to be removed.
Okay, it took me five paragraphs to say this. . .Whenever we come out to anyone with whom we’re in relationship with, whether it be God, our parents, our children, or our closest friends it would seem more productive to keep the focus primarily on the relationship between you and the other person in the relationship rather than complicating it by adding another relationship into the mix. I’m not saying dump your significant other until you come out to all these people. I’m only suggesting that when coming out to each of the people in your life you share a cherished relationship with, you consider keeping the conversation on you and the other person, allowing you both to work through the love and relationship held between the two of you. Chances are the conversation dealing with your newly discovered or accepted sexual orientation provides more than enough material for everyone to work through initially and that includes you.
Posted in Coming Out, Dating
Sweet Hope Cookies
February 17th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
It’s a weird but common principle that when there’s a dramatic change within one member of a family or any group of people, it forces everyone within that system to reconsider their own relationships and role to the other members.
Oh my, yes – especially if the family is assigning blame to someone, or making them the “designated patient” aka “designated crazy person.”
Although I’m not gay and can’t speak to that aspect of your post, the basic principles are the same for *everyone,* regardless of age, sexual orientation, gender, you name it. I have a sneaking feeling that stepping up and telling the truth is a *lot* like being a whistleblower (on the job, or at church, for that matter). I’m still learning to ride the waves, but I can attest to the fact that the sea does get calmer after a while….
My thoughts and prayers are with all who read this.
February 18th, 2009 at 8:14 am
e2tc–> The principle is indeed the same across the board regardless of sexual orientation! Systems no matter how small or large, resist change and difference and if one member pushes the boundaries there are pretty even odds of them becoming the scapegoat or designated crazy person.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:27 am
…and if one member pushes the boundaries there are pretty even odds of them becoming the scapegoat or designated crazy person.
Yes… it’s familiar territory for me. Have spent a good deal of time over the past 3 years learning to ditch the script that some family members keep trying to hand me, with “Scapegoat” written in caps.
I’ve found that your posts on seemingly “lesbian-specific” topics are anything but – because the principles are the same for everyone.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:54 am
e2tc–>Thank you for saying what you did about my posts because changing the name of the site from ChristianLesbians to SisterFriends-Together was in part motivated by my desire to enlarge the outreach of who might come here and participate. When you get right down to it, we’re all human and our experiences though not exactly the same as the person next to us, can often find common ground and similarities. The things I shared about in terms of family/group dynamics for example is something I experienced first hand in my experience of coming out with my family but even more so in a clergy situation a few years ago that had nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Love your expression “ditch the script”….not an easy thing to do but incredibly liberating in the end!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
De nada, anita.
Re. the name change, that makes complete sense, and I think it’s working.
As for “ditch the script,” you’re so right that it’s hard – and freeing, too!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Oh, and: What’s not to “identify with” in your posts? Seriously. We’re all human; we all have similar emotions and we probably have many more shared/common experiences than we realize. Learning to have healthy relationships is something everyone (regardless of orientation) needs to work on – me no less than anyone else.
So I want to be super-clear about this: Your outreach *does* touch people of all sorts and types and ages and skin colors and denominations and… [insert words as needed]. Ditto for all who comment here – I see myself reflected back, my own experiences mirrored. Not the “lesbian” part, in my case, but I don’t believe that’s the overriding reason for your posts, or for the comments here, either.
Most who come here are already my sisters in Christ, and you’ve received me as such, so who am I to object?
As for those who aren’t Christian, well – I don’t see the need for barriers or an “Us vs. Them” mentality. I’ve found encouragement and fellowship here, and why not?!