Dyke Dating: Reconciliation before Relationship
February 16, 2009
With Valentine’s Day still lingering in the air I thought I might venture into the Land of Lesbian Relationships this week, a topic I’ve resisted for some time because in talking about relationships I don’t want to give the impression to anyone that I consider myself an expert on relationships. That’s so not the case. While it’s true I happen to be in an incredibly loving, wildly delightful, and forever and ever marriage that all has little to do with me and more to do with the fact that I happen to be married to the easiest person on the planet to love. Seriously. It’s barely an exaggeration to tell you that after nearly 10 years together I still wake up each morning and wonder how, out of all the women-loving-women in the world I’m the one to have been graced to be married to the beauty beside me. And then I grin because in the end I don’t care why me, I’m just as grateful as grateful can be that it is me. And if it sounds like I’m gloating….well, okay….maybe just a little but it’s humble gloating though I suppose that would be considered an oxymoron.
There’s another reason I hesitate jumping into the whole “10 Tips for Developing Dynamic Dyke Duos” and that’s because every relationship is as unique and nuanced as the two people that comprise it. What might be a challenge to overcome in one relationship can be seen as a strength in another relationship. While we can learn what we want and don’t want from watching other relationships, the goal is never to create photocopy versions of any relationship. Instead you and your significant sweetie will find your own way of being in relationship together, and as people of faith I naturally hope you bring God’s Spirit heavily into the mix to strengthen, guide, and bind you.
So with these disclaimers and a thousand others pinging around in my head, I’m going to throw out a few thoughts on relationships beginning with the beginning by addressing some comments to an email of my own creation that’s little more than a compilation of many I’ve received over the years that raise these same issues and questions.
Anita, I realized I was a lesbian last year and have been struggling ever since with my faith. I know God still loves me but I’m having such a hard time finding any peace with the idea that it’s okay with God that I’m gay. I’m so afraid that when I tell my family they’ll reject me and my church won’t want me there anymore. Is it really alright with God for me to be in love with another woman? The reason I’m asking is because I met an amazing woman online a couple months ago and what started out as a friendship has become so much more. After exchanging emails for the few first weeks we started talking on the phone. Anita, we talk for hours at a time and I’m sure I’ve met my soul mate. I feel like I’ve always known her and we tell each other everything. I love her and she loves me. She says that she wants to be with me. If loving another woman is a sin then does that mean I have to spend the rest of my life alone? Why would God make me gay and then not let me have a relationship when that’s all I’ve ever wanted as long as I can remember? I’m so confused and would appreciate any advice you could give me.
This one email raises a lesbian laundry list of issues but I’m only going to take on the first one today, that being Reconciliation before Relationship. The other concerns I’ll address over the next few days include Coming Out Before Going Out, Online Courtship Caveats, and God’s Girlfriend Guarantee. Are the titles goofy intriguing enough to keep you coming back? Again, my comments are my opinions and perspectives. As they say in 12 step circles, take what you like and leave the rest. Just don’t leave me. I’m painfully sensitive that way.
Reconciliation before Relationship
If you’re still in the process of reconciling your faith and sexuality then you’re already deeply engaged in working on one relationship; that being your relationship with God. Focus your heart and mind there without the distraction of another relationship because admit it, physical and emotional attraction to other person and the looming possibility of a love relationship (said with a swoon and a sigh) is about the brightest, shiniest object on the planet. When love is in the air the most overwhelming issues in our life temporarily fade to nothingness. A class eight tornado could be a mile down the road and heading in your direction and “Oh, look. A tornado just threw the neighbor’s house 122 feet into the sky :::Sigh:::: I wonder if she’ll call today. I wonder what’s she’s doing right now? Is she thinking about me? She’s probably thinking about me.”
My advice? Focus Girlfriend. Focus. Attend to your relationship with God and navigating your way through reconciling and strengthening this one primary relationship before bringing someone else into the mix.
Let me offer another perspective to this issue, that being the perspective of the woman you love who is perfectly fine with being a lesbian. Here’s another email creation that mirrors so many real ones I’ve received.
My partner and I have been together for three years and we love each other so much but because she still doesn’t know if being gay and in relationship is okay she goes hot and cold on me.There are days she talks about ending our relationship because she’s afraid it’s a sin and then the next day she wants to be with me forever. She’s an emotional wreck much of the time and I don’t know what to do. I love her but I don’t know how long I can stay in a relationship that keeps going back and forth, never certain if she’s going to leave or stay. I want her to be happy being with me and not feel guilty. Can you tell me something I can say to her that will help settle this for her once and for all?
The best chance for you to have a solid relationship with another human being is to be solid in your relationship with God, so if you’re still struggling spiritually over being a lesbian then consider putting a hold on pursuing a present relationship or searching for a future one until you find your way to solid spiritual and emotional ground. The best bet for a healthy, long-lasting relationship is when both people enter into it at their healthiest self. We accept the fact that we all bring an accumulation of life baggage into our relationships but rather than dragging a wardrobe trunk in behind you take the time and effort on your self and your relationship with God to pare it down to a carry-on bag.
Oh, and if your girlfriend is impatient and won’t wait for you to work through it all then I’d wonder if she’s the best match for you. I might be old-fashioned this way but it seems to me as though selflessness and patience are trademarks of true love, that is if I Corinthians 13 means much of anything.
Posted in Dating
Sweet Hope Cookies
February 16th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
I seem to have done everything out of order… Still, I look forward to following the series.
Pax, C.
February 16th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Cecilia –>You had me laughing out loud with that comment only because I did a few things along the way myself that were in a bit of a reversed order from my own words and had anyone told me different I would have probably still done it the same way I did. I’m only bothering with blogging about this stuff because between what I personally learned the hard way and the stories I’ve heard from so many others I just hope others would consider some tricky areas that can be involved in some of our decisions around relationships that they might not have thought about otherwise. It’s just about being aware and intentional as we move forward in relationship, not only to guard our own hearts but to do the best for the other person we enter into relationship with.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:30 am
Anita,
Thank you for writing on this subject….
I am looking forward to your future blogs on this topic…
I enjoyed this one (even if I am NOT a Dyke) *BIG GRIN*
Us Girlie Girls need pointers too (well at least this one does)
I am not looking now but I want to learn what Healthy Dating
looks like for the next time My Heart dares to dream’
I know that I learned valuable lessons by falling down and
skinning my knees as a child…
But broken hearts and shattered dreams don’t heal as quickly
as adults. So here I sit eager to learn anything I can, in order to
spare myself & anyone else God choses to place in my life in the
future from any more unnecessary pain.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Woo Hoo… love it.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Thank you so much for this and for the upcoming series. The issues we face, especially when realizing our true nature later in life, do seem somewhat universal. I too struggled with reconciliation, and while I also did things in the wrong order, God has brought me a long way towards peace of mind.
In all respects, I believe your advice here classifies as wisdom and a sure example of a vital christian principle: God first… in everything, God first.
Sincerely ~~ Trueleme
February 17th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
[shyly raises hand]
I have a question about terminology – to this straight gal, the “D word” has always been something akin to the “N word,” in my mind, at least. I just wouldn’t use it to describe someone’s sexual orientation, because it seems innately hurtful.
So… has there been a shift in language (in general), or is this more of an insider’s only thing, or…? (I bet I’m not the only reader who has this question…)
February 18th, 2009 at 8:09 am
That little story about the lady who was in a relationship with someone who was hot and cold sounded like me 15 years ago and it also must have applied to my partner. We were both quite challenged by the idea of being gay and were struggling with whether or not it was okay with God. I had been struggling with the issue for many years and a few relationships before that, but it was never so apparent as it was when I was with someone who truly did believe in God with all her heart. I wish I could say I have a happy ending on that one. We did break up 15 years ago when there was a significant factor that came in and drove a wedge between us. I suppose even God wanted us to resolve that issue before we went any further. For me, it has taken 15 years. I went back into the closet for that long up until now when God has made it pretty clear to me outside of a relationship that it is okay with him and that I am okay coming out of my closet and being myself again. Thanks for writing this. I believe you may have some very good things to say in this series of talks.
February 18th, 2009 at 8:10 am
e2tc—> Not to fret. Even among lesbians there are different reactions to the word. I tend to use dyke as a neutral alternative to lesbian. Others consider the use of dyke as being indicative of a lesbian with certain more masculine qualities which is the more traditional usage of it. Either way, since dyke has most definitely has been used historically as a derogatory term for lesbians, it’s a word best left, as you said to “insiders.” This could certainly be part of a larger conversation on a blog post and I appreciate you mentioning it.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:21 am
anita, thanks muchly for your reply! It would be nice to have a good alternative to “lesbian,” if only because it’s a 3-syllable word and (probably) somewhat awkward to use at times. As for your post titles, I’m tempted to think that you went with the d-word for the sake of alliteration.
And I can imagine that it’s a loaded word for many, which is one of the reasons I was surprised to see it in the post titles. I think you’re right about it being a good topic for future post(s)….
February 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
e2tc–>Okay, so you busted me on my propensity for alliteration. I think it might be the residue of listening to a lifetime of sermons with three catchy points. And yes, it would be nice to have a one or two syllable word for lesbian for those of us too lazy for three. That’s why I will occasionally go with dyke or gay. Another lesbian can also be a bean but usually when D and I spot another gay person it’s just “Hey look, it’s family!”
February 18th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Alliteration: I knew it!
(If only because I have the same tendency and have over-indulged in it at times.)
…but usually when D and I spot another gay person it’s just “Hey look, it’s family!”
I like this best of all.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Anita – my current reconciling issues are:
Being upset that I even got involved with church/God (some 20+ years ago) which led me to believe that being gay is a sin.
Internally debating whether I should walk away from it all – my faith and my church or to be Out at my church and follow Jesus’s example to fight for the oppressed and marganlized.
These are just some the issues in my reconciling process right now.
How can I best move through these issues?
I keep telling myself and I believe God is telling me- It’s called the Christian walk, not the cake walk – keep moving forward
Peace.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
JRC–> I so appreciate you putting those questions out, not only for yourself but I imagine for a number of others carrying the very same questions in their hearts. If you’ll be patient with me, let me finish this brief series on dating and then I’ll jump into the questions you asked as best that I can…hoping of course that when I do others will step forward with their insights and thoughts as well.
February 21st, 2009 at 4:26 am
Thank you, I enjoyed reading this, saw many old mistakes and hopefully I am past them. Some of us need to hear concrete things like, it’s ok;
“If your not ready and she pull’s up to your house with a U-Haul it’s ok to lock the door and not answer the phone”.
Well at least until you can pull up the courage to say “no, not yet”. To think of the heartache I could have saved myself if I only knew.
February 21st, 2009 at 8:43 am
Kathleen–> That’s a dilemma many of us, eager for a relationship and raised to be polite and not “hurt” anyone, can find ourselves in. Thanks for the reminder so hopefully others know they can use the lock on the door.