Lesbian Relationships: Finding Love

March 5, 2009

Okay, now that I got that out of my system, let’s move on to the subject at hand, namely Where in the World Is My Future Wife And How In the World Do I Find Her?

Darn if I know. I’m reasonably ill-equipped to offer much advice on how to go about finding love when I never went looking for it in the first place. But were I to pretend that I knew what I was talking about I might say something like this in 3-2-1 . . .

If you’re at a place in your life where you feel there’s space in your life for a relationship and you’re feeling ready in yourself to move in that direction then the first step is as simple as saying to God and yourself that you’re open for a relationship. I know that sounds a tad obvious and airy fairy but it’s actually a really concrete thing to do. When our hearts are truly open and available to love we put out a certain energy and I think others who are at the same place in their lives make a connection to it. Openness to love over desperation for love is a whole other energy that’s positive, exciting and life-giving. It’s hard to miss in someone and is a beautiful beautiful thing.

My little extra nudge of advice is to focus on opening yourself to a variety of new friendships more than limiting your sights on that one special forever and ever so help me God relationship because the more people you let into your life, spend time with and develop connections with, the wider your circle of friendships and the more chance there is that she will be somewhere there in the mix; a close friend who one day grows into the love of your life.

So your heart is open to creating friendships that might or might not eventually lead to a love relationship, you’ve asked God to guide and direct you, and maybe now you’re ready to put some feelers out there and a lot of folks are putting their interest and availability out through online dating services. If you haven’t already you might want to think about creating a profile at Rainbow Christians, Gay Christian Personals, or ChristianGays Chat Rooms and Dating. The paid membership dating service, Match.com welcomes women seeking women and as the result of a recent lawsuit and much to their chagrin e-harmony will be expanding their paid services in the future to provide an exclusive site for same-gender matchmaking, called Compatible Partners. Again, look for friendships instead of the life-long occupant of the other side of your bed. By doing that you might find yourself connecting with women you truly enjoy as friends that will enrich your life; women you would never have given the time of day to had you run them through the life-partner checklist.

Now let’s talk about some obvious places to meet the gays and more precisely, the gay girls. Since you’re gay think about the kind of places you like to hang out and the kinds of things you like to do and chances are there’s another lesbian or two nearby who has the same interests. Join a league softball or bowling team. Join a local book group. Do volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity or at a community food kitchen. Take an art class. Join a hiking club. Hang out at the bookstore. Frequent some hip coffee shops in town. Go to a gay-affirming church, join a women’s choir, participate in a lesbian support group at the GLBTQ Community Center. Now, I know this sounds painfully sophomoric but unless you ooze lesbian mojo through your pores you might need to put some ever so subtle signals out there….like having a copy of Curve magazine on the top of a stack beside you at the bookstore or “Stranger at the Gate” discreetly placed at an ever so casual angle on the coffee shop table. I’m not suggesting you sing the theme song from “The L Word” at the top of your lungs everytime you see a pretty girl, though humming it softly might not hurt. Put out the signals and turn your gaydar to full volume. You never know.

Here’s the point I’m trying to make. Unless you think you’re going to be on your couch one day and the sweetest woman of your dreams is going to appear in your living room before your eyes in a cloud of smoke, chances are you’re going to need to get yourself out there into as many circles of people as you can so you stand some chance of crossing paths with other lesbians. Just go to the places you enjoy because chances are you’d like to date someone who shares similar interests. In other words, don’t go to the gay bar to meet a woman unless you happen to be into the whole gay bar scene but if you don’t drink and like to be in bed by 9:00 p.m., then maybe you might not want to be swimming in a pool with other little fishies that party all night. I’m just saying.

But Anita, I don’t want to meet just any lesbian. I want to meet a Christian lesbian. Sure you do and Christian lesbians just as amazing, available, and loving as you are out there doing regular life stuff and the only chance you have to meet them is to get out there into the circle of life. And you never know. Maybe there’s a delightful woman in your little corner of the universe who reads this blog like you and is just as open for a relationship. To give both of you the best chance of meeting I have a plan. This Saturday at 10:00 a.m. go to Barnes and Noble and head directly to the travel section. Locate the books on Italy and finding a copy of “Fodor’s Italy 2009″ take it from the shelf and casually begin to flip through it. Another woman will now approach the same section, notice the book in your hand and ask, “Oh. Is there another copy of that book on the shelf?” With a lilt in your voice, smile and say “No, but you can have this copy since I won’t be getting to Italy until 2011.” This is the secret signal. Now both of you know you read my blog. Laugh at the happy coincidence and go get to know each other over a cup of coffee. And don’t bother to thank me. My pleasure.

As you can see, I don’t know what I’m talking about for the very reason I already told you; love found me when I wasn’t looking. I have no experience in putting it out there and looking for a relationship. None. It was 1999 and I had just moved to California to begin attending seminary. Outside of attending graduate school and studying until my nose bled my social life consisted of going to a support group a couple times a week and as it happened D was a member of the same group. We were just at the same place at the same time participating in a group that had nothing to do with being queer or being Christian. I had noticed her in the meetings but had no idea she was a Christian lesbian and when she finally mentioned it after several months we got together with no motive other than having the chance to possibly make a friendship with someone with shared interests. It was all very casual and so totally not within the realm of dating that no one was more surprised than me that my heart stopped when she walked through the door of Starbucks for our first get together outside of our regular group meeting. I was gone before she pulled up her chair and said “Hello,” pathetic creature that I am.

I wish it could be that easy for everyone and so I’m clueless what to tell you except to suggest you be open to friendship and love, put a few feelers out if that’s comfortable for you, get yourself involved in the world around you and then let go of trying to make things happen and trust that God will bring who and what you most need in your life for your great joy and God’s magnificient glory.

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Posted in Dating, Relationships