Fluidity and the Wide Open Range In Between

May 21, 2008

I went for my walk yesterday. Four and a half miles which translates to approximately 7945 steps, not that I was counting. I know this because my Bodybugg was counting for me. Just one of the many electronic devices I carry with me, along with my Garmin GPS, iPod, and cellphone. I hear some people walk with nothing but a bottle of water. W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r. Anyway, since my Bodybugg was doing the step counting for me, my slowly dwindling brain cells were free to roam where they would and so I found myself thinking about the last entry I wrote pre battery-operated stroll and I wanted to say a little more in the same vein; that being diversity and fluidity in human sexuality. One at a time. First diversity.

The funny thing, funny strange more than funny ha-ha, is that in most of creation diversity’s met with awed wonder and appreciation. We celebrate God’s creative hand in the natural world and then we go even further and attempt to extend that creativity by trying through science to redesign or combine what already exists to make a unique version of the original. New varietals of florals and vegetation, hairless cats and dogs with bigger ears. Just the other week I roasted a mountain of brilliantly-colored purple, orange, green and white cauliflower, white being the only one in the cauliflower rainbow that wasn’t scientifically engineered. I’m sorry to report that science has a long way to go before changing the flavor as successfully. I’ll give you an update when they find a way to alter its taste to more closely resemble caramel-fudge lattes.

Yes, we applaud diversity but when it comes to sexual orientation, not so much. I find it both interesting and appalling that even in our contemporary world, after all the research and knowledge gained into human sexuality there are still those segments in our society that argue that the natural inclination for every human being is to be joined with someone of the opposite sex; who insist that heterosexuality is the exclusively right and good sexual orientation and all others are deviant expressions of human sexuality. This tendency to suggest that God splashes diversity in every nook and granny of the world except human sexuality baffles me.

Of course, if you’re gay then you know there’s an equally natural alternative to heterosexuality and if you celebrate your sexuality as part of God’s creative work in you then you’re probably pretty clear that being gay isn’t a rip-off version of being straight. It just is what you is.

But that’s not all there is and I’m going to have to go along with Alfred Kinsey on this one. Based on a study he conducted Kinsey suggested that there’s a wide spectrum in human sexuality, spanning the gap between being exclusively straight (0) to exclusively gay (6). His scale also provides for asexuality for those individuals who have no sexual attraction to either sex. Me, I’m a 6. It’s all gay all the time. I like men and I appreciate an attractive man but I’m not sexually or emotionally attracted to the man. Hook me up to a sexual attraction monitor and I’d be flat-line. But that’s me and not all lesbians. Others who self-identify as a lesbian might occasionally have dreams or sexual fantasies of the opposite sex. I’ve known a Tupperware party worth of married women who found a certain amount enjoyment with their husbands even while they knew their primary sexual attraction and emotional connection was to other women. And there are solid 0’s in the straight world who think only straight as an arrow thoughts and others who have passing daydreams or sexual fantasies about being with someone of the same sex.

For some reason though there are many of us, both gay and straight, who cling to either/or. Either you’re straight or you’re gay. But then what about those wacky bisexuals? What are we suppose to do with them? Well, the same people who oppose homosexuality will most often paint bisexuals as promiscuous, as though being attracted to both genders means being involved sexually with both sexes at the same time. And I’ve heard some equally negative brew-haha coming from gays and lesbians. It’s not uncommon for bisexuals to be thought to simply be confused by the gay community. She’s really a lesbian but she just doesn’t know it yet. He doesn’t want to own being gay because he wants the option of being in a socially acceptable relationship with a woman. Don’t ever trust a bisexual because they’ll just leave you for someone of the opposite sex. Why do we do that? Or maybe the better question is why do we need to do that? Does the reality of their attraction to both genders threaten us in some way, as if their equal attraction to men might suggest that we too could be attracted to men and if that’s the case then maybe our opposition is right and we’re just choosing to be gay? I don’t know. I’m just guessing here because I don’t really understand what the resistance is to bisexuals even though I’ve heard negative remarks about bisexuals from a few gays and lesbians while at the same time hearing some really painful stories of rejection and negative stereotyping by bisexuals. Ultimately for me it just highlights that there’s room for all of us, gay and straight to work on our welcome and acceptance to the other which is just about any and everyone who isn’t us.

Along with there being a diversity in human sexuality, there’s also remarkable fluidity for some people in the area of their sexual orientation. I’ve received some amazing emails from young people in their teen years who want to know if because they’re attracted to their same-sex friend that means they’re gay. My response to them after the initial “Wow, how courageous of you to write and share this with someone” and “It’s not my place or within my ability to answer that for you” is to talk to them about how our feelings and attractions aren’t always black and white nor or set in stone for all time. What a stress on kids to feel like they have to label themselves with the first conflicting feeling they experience especially when our adolescence and young adult years are one hormonal onslaught of of conflicting and changing sexual feelings. The intense crushes we have in our youth don’t seem particularly concerned with gender. One day a teenager can be crushed out on the cute quarterback and a few days later get a shiver when her best girlfriend hugs her playfully around the neck. I try to encourage them to not rush to a conclusion, that if their sexual orientation is in question now it will in all likelihood become clearer to them one day. Either way, I want them to remember whether they come to see themselves as queer or straight, that God loves them and nothing will change that. I’d offer the same words to any adult who was questioning their sexuality; to the woman who’s been married happily for 30 years but in recent weeks or months has been having feelings for another woman at her church. Go slow. Give yourself time. Maybe these are just natural passing feelings. Maybe not. Either way, while you’re questioning your sexuality, you don’t need to question God’s love for you. It’s there with you as it’s always been and will remain with you always. No matter what.

Human sexuality. Fluid. Diverse. Miraculous. Mysterious.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Posted in Bisexual, Human Sexuality