Forgiveness Bound Up in the Love of Christ
April 2, 2009
This personal story was generously contributed to SisterFriends Together by one of our cherished SisterFriends.
As we took the morning bus to school we would hold hands under are jackets in fear someone might see. I was fourteen and didn’t understand why something that felt so natural was viewed as an awful sinful thing.
I was told I would have no place in the family and my soul was bound for hell. “Just pray God will heal you” is what most had to say. I hit my knees tears streaming down my face, “God, please forgive me for this love I feel for another woman. I don’t want to go to hell.” I felt so alone and confused. I didn’t want to be a lesbian if it meant having everyone hate me.
I did everything I was told, which led me down a road of alcoholism and drug addiction. When I reached my twenties my life was such a mess. I was further away from God than I had ever been. Every time I would slip up I would hit my knees again and ask God to forgive me. I sounded like a broken record. I went through failed attempts in relationships with men. It took me many years to heal from the mental damage brought on by self-proclaimed Christians. They broke my spirit and I almost allowed them to take my life. For a long time I didn’t want nothing to do with God. I didn’t understand why He would make me this way then punish me for it.
I now know what God’s grace is. It didn’t come in the form of a cure for homosexuality. It came in the form of healing my broken spirit and loving me for who He intended me to be. The healing process began when I hit my knees with tears streaming down my face. “God, I can’t do this on my own. You have to take control. Do with my life what you will. Please take the pain away.” God has done that for me. I began to realize God didn’t hate me. It was the self-proclaimed Christians who were filled with hate.
I have seen many times where someone has committed an act of hate in God’s name. God and hate don’t belong in the same sentence. If you carry hate in your heart for your brothers how can you spread a message filled with so much love and grace? We live in a society that’s filled with hate and every one is for themselves. These same people are sitting in their church benches every Sunday morning proclaiming to be Christians. Jesus’ message was about love. Love the sinner, hate the sin. I have experienced more hate from some Christians than any other group of people. There was times when I was in such darkness I no longer wanted to live.
I believe God speaks to us all. We just have to learn to listen. I would say to someone who is battling suicidal thoughts, “God loves you and you are who He meant for you to be. Don’t let the hate of the world destroy what God has planned for you. Give him a chance to show you the way and seek support.”
So many times we settle into a life that is comfortable. We dare not think outside the box. When a child starts to grow the parents begin to child proof the house. They put plastic covers on outlets and locks on cabinets and doors. We do the same thing in life. We lock ourselves into a life we and others created, not what God intended for us. God has given us so much more ability. We’re just not willing to do the work or take a chance on the unseen. Our lack of faith binds us by our ankles, some even drowned under it’s weight.
We have to be careful not to let the hate of others become a part of our lives. Love seems to be such a simple word yet so hard to obtain. Its easy to love someone who loves you back and has your best interest at heart, but when someone hurts or rejects us we begin to build anger and resentment which turns to hate. Only through Christ can we learn what true love is and the grace of forgiveness. It’s not caring for your spouse or children. All those are wonderful things. It’s a deeper love. It’s a second chance. It’s giving and receiving nothing in return. It’s forgiving someone you don’t feel deserves forgiveness. That kind of love can only be obtained through Christ.
It doesn’t matter if you think homosexuality is a sin or not. You may live happily with your partner or chosen a life of celibacy. God created us in His own image and loves each and everyone of us. Now when I hit my knees in prayer with tears streaming down my face it’s with gratitude for His amazing grace. I pray God keeps my heart pure and helps me show love to those who didn’t have it in their heart for me. I pray that I may find the strength to forgive and move on.
Posted in Personal Stories
Sweet Hope Cookies
April 6th, 2009 at 8:26 am
This is a great story as are all the others posted here. They are so inspiring and refreshing – thanks to all of you for all your stories!
Regarding this entry: I am curious if the contributor still struggles with thinking homosexuality is a sin, since she typed the oft-used phrase “love the sinner hate the sin.” I understand her stance is to focus on the love part, but this phrase is used so frequently by the very “Christians” she is referring to as justification for hateful behavior, denying of civil rights, etc. Also, it assumes that just because we are gay we are “sinners” which is a faulty assumption. We all do sin, but our sin is not who God made us or the love we have for another regardless of gender.
Thoughts?
April 6th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Laura–>I’ll send a note to the contributor to ask her to respond to your question. I understand why you’d ask the question and just as an initial response to it, my thought would be that her use of that term isn’t that she believes homosexuality is a sin but rather is speaking using the very language of those who use that phrase and then contradict it in their very actions of discrimination, injustice and hate. What I hear her doing is calling people on the conflict between their words (such as this phrase) and their actions. I actually think you and she are both on the same page but again, I’ll toss this back to her and see if she has a response.