Four Days
May 9, 2008
Miracles happen. Water turns to wine. A basket of fish and bread becomes a feast for a crowd. The dead are raised with a two-word command. A glob of mud and the blind see. A hemorrhage ceases with a touch to a garment’s edge. Miracles happen, and everything changes in the blink of an eye, but most of the time change takes time and toil mixed with prayer and faith.
Four days. Four days ago I offered you the idea that we are who we are and that we love who we love, because it’s by God’s design and for God’s purpose. Being GLBTQ is our divine calling. This is the very way in which God wants us to live in the world and engage with the world, to be queer folks living out the Good News of Christ in wholeness and truth. I encouraged you to lay aside the other voices inside your head and give yourself permission for four days to believe that it’s not by mistake or by sin that you’re gay, but by the will of God for God’s good pleasure.
The four days are over. As much as I believe in the possibility of miracles, I didn’t expect all doubt would be erased and all the old messages silenced with a few words and a few days. Four days isn’t a holy number and the words of affirmation aren’t a magical mantra. But maybe, just maybe, during the last four days you had a little window of time in those 96 hours where everything but God’s assurance and love faded away into the distance. Did you have a moment like that? Were you able to breathe a little deeper while it lasted? Did the weight of self-doubt feel a little lighter? Whatever experience you had remember it, and when you remember it take the time to imagine walking in that assurance and freedom every moment of every day of your life, because whatever that time was like for you dear sister or brother, it’s only a taste of all that God has in store for you.
My schedule is a little weird while I’m still out of town but my intention is to spend a few more posts on transforming the old messages before moving into the unique gifts we bring to the church and world as GLBTQ Christians.
I was lurching through an eleven mile training walk yesterday when this song began playing on my iPod, and I knew I had to share it with you. It says far more than all my words above combined. Listen and know.
The One Thing I Know by Sara Groves
The One Thing I Know is from Sara Groves album, The Other Side of Something.
Posted in Audio/Video, Gifted by Otherness, Special Series
May 10th, 2008 at 7:15 am
That is an amazing song Anita! I just listened through Sara Groves “all right here” CD the other day (check out the song “less like scars”). My four days started with a moving event on that first day when contacted by my pastor. The remaining days were “uneventful” but not unfruitful–as I did choose to bask in accepting that it is not a sin or mistake but that made me this way and that I can carry out God’s calling in me… just as I am!
May 10th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I’m really looking forward to your next few posts. I was just talking with a doctor friend of mine a few days ago and mentioned to her that bringing together my orientation and faith has been a 2 plus journey now. I can see that somewhere along the way it has dawned on me that God couldn’t possibly be displeased with me for being who I am. My next comment was… so now what? I get it, but what does this mean to my life and the relationships with my family and friends. And most of all, what IS God going to use me for in this world? I have a need to feel I am fulfilling my ministry and thus far in life have just made a big mess of things and done nothing I ever set out to do… So now what? sigh.. I won’t get going on all my doubts, fears adn shattered dreams, but needless to say; I am looking forward to some hints in what I might be able to expect in life. I don’t mean to say you have all the answers. But I do see you are hitting the right cords.
Listening…..
deb
May 10th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Wendy–> I’m a HUGE Sara Groves fan so it’s nice to find others that enjoy her too. The story of your pastor was a biggie! and I think basking in God’s acceptance for the remaining three days makes the time more than a little “uneventful”!
Deb–> It’s good you aren’t saying I have all the answers because boy, would that just add to your pile of shattered dreams!
It sounds like you’re asking really important questions Deb and they echo the very questions I began asking after the reconciliation of my faith and sexuality. I had the shattered dreams too Deb and so I’m acquainted with the grief, disappointment and confusion that accompanies all that. I was so sure I knew what my life in ministry would look like. I’d prepared for it. I’d prayed for it. I’d dreamed of it. For a time it came true in a big way and then upon coming out it was all lost. But the beauty of it all, once the dust settled was that it was all replaced with even more than I could have ever imagined. As I said to someone else in another way, I knew I was called to ministry and somewhere along the way I attached a whole bunch of specifics around what that ministry would look like but all those specifics were limited to my vision and so when they were taken away I feared my call to ministry was removed as well. It took me some time to see that the call to ministry was from God and so while positions could be taken and doors to particular ministries shut, no one could take God’s call on my life from me. God gave it and God sustained it, giving it a whole other form and outlet. I can’t tell you what to expect specifically Deb, but what I have all the confidence in the world of telling you is that you can expect good things!
May 10th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I have to say; hearing someone speak to me about the issue of ministry and not try to cut me in half or cast out a demon is a huge change and very peaceful to my mind. There really is no going back for me. And yes.. I have had what I thought was the only ‘vision’ of ministry. I see God must have something else in mind. I’m open to what ever that is. What is happening right now is like a spiritual title wave. The Holy Spirit keeps showing up on the scene and drawing me so close… I have even opened up the bible again. Lots of crying… listening to music and adoring the Lord. One thing I know; regardless of my situation, God is so wonderful and worthy of praise. I can not resist His sweetness and grace.
Thank you, Anita, for taking the time to speak into my life.
Bless you.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
still having so many questions and so unsure of what lies ahead. still processing the four days i allowed myself to have… which to be honest has turned into about seven days.
p.s. i also really like Sara Groves!
May 17th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Joni directed us back to this blog from last year in the forum. I have just finished my four days of thanking God every morning for creating me just the way he did, and recognizing that His hand is on me, even now. As you know, I was still really struggling with waking up wishing that I was not still gay. And like others, had looked over all my relationships in my life and had so realized how gay I am and shocked I had not seen it sooner. But this 4 days, well – it was incredible and I highly recommend it. I have ordered the book – Gifted by Otherness – and can’t wait to read it. I am no longer going to bed praying for God to take this away – instead each night and every morning I am going to thank Him for finally making me whole. Thanks Anita and thanks Joni for sharing it with us!
May 19th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
TDK–>I’m excited to hear what you think of “Gifted by Otherness.” The reason I highly recommend it is because it’s one of the first of the books on being a GLBTQ Christian that approaches it less as an apologetic and more as a celebration. Even now, I’m shouting a big thank you to God as well TDK that you are coming to a place of wholeness. Nothing is quite as amazing and it’s something that everyone, regardless of sexual orientation longs for.