Freed from Shame to Live In the Fullness of God’s Grace

April 1, 2009

This personal story was generously contributed to SisterFriends Together by Cristi.

I grew up hearing that God loved me and knew that was true in my head but getting it into my heart was a struggle and sometimes it still is. I became a Christian when I was twelve, but I recommitted my life to Christ at every youth conference or Christian concert I went to because, in my opinion, I kept messing things up and I was a failure in God’s eyes. I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me because I struggled so much with being good enough while everyone else seemed to have it all together. I just knew that if people were to find out what I struggled with, they would be disgusted and would want nothing else to do with me. I learned early on to pretend that everything was fine, and to push aside my feelings and hide behind my smile.

While I was in college, I began to have problems with depression off and on. It wasn’t until I was in graduate school that I actually went to see a counselor for the first time and was diagnosed with clinical depression. After graduate school, I moved several hours away from home to start my first professional job and it was there that I fell in love for the first time. The shocker was that I fell in love with another woman. The question of whether or not I was gay had come up once before, but I wouldn’t let myself consider that I was gay because I had always been taught that homosexuality was a sin. If you ignore something for long enough it just goes away, right? Wrong.

Once I finally started to let myself consider that I might be gay, I started to distance myself from the church and from God. I thought that there was no way that I could be both a Christian and a lesbian, so I prayed and prayed for God to change me and take away my attraction to women, but to no avail. God did change me, just not in the way I was expecting. The more I prayed for God to change me, the more God opened my eyes to see that He loved me just as I was. I began to have an inner peace that could only have been from God. Even though I was starting to get these little glimpses of hope that God loved me just as I was, I still had serious questions. What if I was being deceived? What if I was just twisting Scripture to make it say what I wanted it to say? What if something I did in my past or was doing right now made me gay? Should I try to change? There were times when I felt completely lost and overwhelmed and didn’t know which way was up. I was already struggling with feeling like a failure in God’s eyes as well as my family’s eyes and adding the possibility that I was gay into the mix didn’t help my struggle at all.

Carrying secrets around began to weigh me down, and I soon found myself in another very deep depression. I didn’t want to get up and go to work; I didn’t want to leave my apartment. All I wanted to do was crawl in the bed, pull the covers over my head and disappear. It got to the point where I was sleeping all day and staying up all night, and the darkness just continued to envelop me. Old habits and vices reared their ugly heads, and I felt like I was spiraling out of control. Years before, right before I started high school, I started down a path that I wish I never had. Someone I knew had a Playboy magazine that I found. It was one of the first times that I had seen pornography, and I was both intrigued and ashamed. I knew that I shouldn’t look at it, but at the same time I couldn’t seem to stop myself. It started out as something I would look at occasionally but by the time I was out of graduate school it had become an escape, like drugs or alcohol or food are for other people. I found myself getting more and more obsessed with finding more pictures to look at or more stories to read, all the while carrying around the guilt and shame I felt for what I was doing. I justified it by telling myself that it was a safe way for me to explore my sexuality and that I wasn’t hurting anyone. Little did I know that the images I was seeing and the stories I was reading would remain etched in my mind for years to come and would pop into my thoughts at the most random times. I tried unsuccessfully for years to give it up, but would ultimately find myself entrenched all over again because I believed that I needed it to help me deal with my depression and loneliness. It finally got to a point where I hit rock bottom and felt like I had lost all control. Broken and ashamed, I prayed and begged God to help me walk away from it. I don’t know what was different about this time than all the others before, but I believe that God heard my prayers that night and answered them. God soon gave me the strength to share my struggle with a friend that I trusted, and that helped to begin to lift the weight of shame that I was carrying.

As God continued to heal the shame I had surrounding my addiction, I started to really feel and understand that His love for me was and is unconditional. Not only was I beginning to truly believe that God loved me, I also began to believe that God knew everything that I had done and loved me in spite of it all. The more I allowed that to sink in to my heart, the more I felt the weight of shame over who I was and what I had done begin to lift. I felt free to be who I was and who I believed God created me to be for the first time in my life. As I started to become more comfortable with my sexuality, I started coming out to friends I knew I could trust. After I came out to several friends who were supportive, I became more comfortable with the idea of coming out to my parents. I began praying that God would let me know when the time was right to tell them, and that He would prepare them for the conversation. God answered my prayers and helped me know the right time to tell them, and the conversation went very well. I was surprised and relieved that my parents were supportive, and although they didn’t necessarily understand it, they wanted me to be happy.

After I came out to my parents, I knew that I needed to tell my sister. I dreaded coming out to her because I was pretty sure of how she would react. I was afraid that she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me once she found out. It took a long time for me to work up the nerve to tell her, and it was the most difficult conversation I’ve ever had. She has since voiced her opinion very strongly that my being gay is a sin, and has basically cut me out of her and her family’s life. She has made assumptions about me and my life that are very hurtful, and some of the things she has said to me will stay with me forever. Dealing with her reaction has been extremely difficult and has left me questioning myself and God all over again. Right now, it’s a daily struggle to let go of the hurt, anger and bitterness I feel towards her. I know that in time I will heal and be even stronger than I am now, but for right now the wound is still open. There are days when I feel like I’m drowning in the pain, but I have to remind myself that I’m not alone. God is faithful and continues to remind me that his love for me is unconditional and that he can be trusted with the deepest hurts of my life. I have learned through reconciling my faith with my sexuality and in dealing with my sister’s reaction to my coming out is that God is big enough to handle my questions and doubts. I am learning that even though I might not feel God’s presence, it doesn’t mean that he is not with me. God has given me supportive parents, incredible friends and a wonderful partner who remind me of his love for me. They have stood beside me, prayed for me, and walked with me through some of the most painful moments of my life so far. What a blessing to have such wonderful people who love, support and encourage me.

My partner, M, and I are about to begin our life together as a couple, and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us as a couple. I am on the verge of a brand new adventure, and am both scared and excited. Stepping out of my comfort zone and leaving friends, family and my job scares me more than I can say, but I know God will give me the strength to face my fears and take that step out in faith. I am looking forward to being M’s partner and looking forward to seeing what lies ahead for us. She is my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without her. The past year and a half has been so much better because she has been a part of it. I thank God every day for bringing her to me, and for the gift of our relationship.

Posted in Personal Stories