Full Disclosure

July 3, 2008

In beginning a conversation on queer Christian sexual ethics, I want to offer a couple thoughts upfront.

First up, occasionally you’ll notice I refer to (queer) Christian sexual ethics in my writing with queer in parenthesis. I do so because while I believe there are unique issues to be considered for queer people, our sexual orientation isn’t the primary determining factor in developing our personal code of sexual ethics as women of faith. Whether lesbian or straight, when it comes down to making decisions about our sexual lives, I believe the questions we take into consideration are the same.

Next. My intention is to present this topic as an exploration and dialogue on sexual ethics rather than as a definitive treatment. At the conclusion of all my posts and all your comments we’re not going to walk away with a check list on sexual ethics that we can laminate on a 3×5 card and carry in our back pockets, readily accessible to whip out every time we see a pretty girl. I know that’s what some of us might want, especially if we come from a faith tradition that provided us with all the answers to every question. There’s something so comforting about absolutes because at least we know. There’s no wondering or uncertainty, there’s just right and wrong. No agonizing over questions that might have multiple answers. What goes for me goes for you so if in doubt, just copy the paper of the kid at the desk next to you.

Human responsibility is never that easy, not in any area of our lives. When we see a homeless woman on the street, when we get a phone solicitation from Habitat for Humanity, when we see video footage from Darfur, each of us responds personally based on our accumulated beliefs that guide our hearts and influence our actions. Some will give her a dollar and a smile. Some will sit on the curb with her and spend a few minutes of their time connecting with her as a human being and child of God. Some will be so moved by the plight of the homeless that seeing that woman on the street will motivate them to get involved in a local charity that provides relief and advocacy work for the poor and disenfranchised. Some will earnestly and compassionately pray. Which is the most right way to respond? Which is the most Christian action? The Bible says plenty about the homeless and poor. Care for the oppressed. Feed the hungry. Clothe the naked. The message is clear but how we live out that message in our daily lives is less so, and so as we see the homeless woman up ahead on the corner we each grapple internally with what would be the right thing for us to do. I’m proposing the same is true around (queer) Christian sexual ethics. There’s not one monolithic standard to which we all adhere with unwavering certitude but holding our foundational convictions we then need to agonize through the questions of how we’re to live out our sexual lives in a way that’s both fulfilling and honorable and as we would desire in all the actions of our lives, in a way that brings glory and honor to God.

And finally, a personal word. Over the years I’ve determined a clear code of personal sexual ethics, and I call them personal because they’re mine. I hold myself accountable to them. What’s right for me is right for me but I don’t pretend that I know what’s right for you, and so I don’t intend to impose my personal ethics on you or anyone else even if in my most grandiose moments I think the entire world should live as I live and do as I do.

I’m putting this out there simply to acknowledge that because of key convictions I hold I’m not free from some judgments and strong opinions around this topic and those will no doubt leak into upcoming posts despite how hard I might try to remain neutral despite being painfully aware that I’m not now nor ever have been neutral on anything. For me there’s no wiggle room when it comes to being monogamous in relationships. I am monogamous and would have it be no other way. I would never participate in an open relationship. I would not consider having multiple sexual relationships at the same time. Neither would I have casual sex with a friend or a stranger because I believe sexual intimacy is to be held within the framework of love. These are my personal absolutes. There are others concerning mutuality, respect, love, behavior, and passion in relation to a sexual relationship and some of these will become apparent too as we move along in our conversation together, but even from the little I’ve told you, you’ve probably concluded, and rightly so, that my personal code of sexual ethics is quite conventional, conservative, traditional, vanilla, whatever you want to label it. Label away. I’m fine with that. But again, I’m just telling you this so you know where I’m coming from, even though saying that has me writhing in pain at the use of such a hideous cliché, and this is one of the reasons that your reflections and comments will be so valuable to this conversation. I hope as we move along you’ll risk jumping in with your own viewpoint, opinions and insights so that we can round out the conversation and rock this out together!

This should be fun, eh?

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Posted in Sexual Ethics