Gay? Okay. Sex? No Way.
August 1, 2008
The realization I was a lesbian had barely cleared my cerebral cortex before I was promising to God I’d never do anything with another woman all the days of my life. Anything included, but was not limited to touching, kissing, snuggling, folding, spindling, and kadoodling. Even after reconciling my faith and sexuality I still had to contend with the Celibacy for Queers Argument that followed the classic formula: if a) and b) are both true then c) must be true. It went something like this. . .
Standard Celibacy for Queers Argument:
.
a) Premarital sex is not permissible for Christians. (Proposition 1)
b) Gays and lesbians can’t marry. (Proposition 2)
c) Therefore, gay and lesbian Christians can’t have sex. (Conclusion)
When I looked at the two propositions from a conservative Christian understanding, sexual abstinence (celibacy) seemed the option for me and over the years I’ve come to realize I wasn’t the only who arrived at the same conclusion. I’ve received thousands of emails over the last dozen years from GLBTQ Christians. While the leading questions center on reconciling sexual orientation with Christian faith, right on the heels of those questions is one that asks “As a lesbian how can I ever be in a relationship with another woman if the Bible prohibits premarital sex and marriage isn’t an option for me?”
As with any questions people ask, I don’t have a one-size-fits-all answer. In personal matters, I defer to Paul’s example; that when I speak of such matters I’m not presuming to speak for the Lord. I’m speaking for me, and trusting that what is of the Spirit will stick in your hearts and all else will fall away.
a) Premarital sex is not permissible for Christians.
In the Old Testament law a woman was to be a virgin prior to her marriage but this requirement wasn’t concerned with issues of moral purity but with property laws. A woman was the property of her father until the time of her marriage when she became the property of her husband. She went from belonging to one man to another man and for any other man to have premarital sex with her would have been an act of disrespect to the father (the present owner) and would have made her into “used goods” for her future husband (the future owner). That the issue was one of property and not purity is highlighted by the reality that virginity wasn’t required of men prior to their marriage and so the prohibition against premarital sex (for the woman only) was a custom of that particular culture rather than a mandate by God.
Were the prohibition against premarital sex a decree of God’s the inclusion of the Song of Songs in the Old Testament becomes a problem. While it’s often been interpreted as an allegorical depiction of the relationship between God and Israel (as husband and wife) it’s a story in poetic form that unfolds between two unmarried lovers. In graphic imagery it describes their courtship, their sensual appreciation of each others’ bodies and of their passionate consummation. Though brief passages from the Song of Songs are often read at Christian wedding ceremonies, interestingly enough there’s no mention of marriage or an intention for a future marriage within the book, and yet the human body and the physical expression of sexuality between the two lovers is celebrated free of judgment. The mutual love, affection, and yearnings between the young lovers, if originally intended as an allegory at all, was considered more than appropriate enough to represent the relationship between God and God’s people. How could this be the case if premarital sex was considered immoral behavior by God?
In 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, sexual immorality is listed as something to be avoided and those who engage in it will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. Over time the use of this term in the Bible has become a blanket for any type of sexual activity outside of marriage. As it happens, the Greek term “porneia” (also translated as fornication) that’s been translated as sexual immorality refers to particular activities of extra-marital sex, such as adultery and prostitution rather than any and all sexual activities that take place outside of marriage.
There’s certainly much more that could be addressed on premarital sex in consideration of other passages and ancient viewpoints related to the meaning and implications of sexual activity. It’s also important to look at how one determines what’s permissible for queer Christians if premarital sex is allowed and how do we then individually determine our sexual boundaries and create guidelines that will guide us as spiritual and sexual beings. More on that in follow up posts. My only intention at this point to raise a question around the truthfulness of proposition 1.
b) Gays and lesbians can’t marry.
This is simply no longer true. Legal marriage is available for queer folks in the Netherlands, Britain, Belgium, Spain, Canada, Massachusetts, and California while in numerous other countries throughout the world legally recognized civil unions and domestic partnerships exist as options for recognizing same-gender relationships. There was a time when there wasn’t a corner of the globe where GLBTQ people could marry and one day there won’t be a corner of this dusty planet where GLBTQ people will be refused the right to marry. This fact alone contradicts the accuracy of proposition 2, but as queer Christians our greatest concern isn’t the legal status of marriage but marriage as sacrament. The bigger question is “What makes a marriage, a marriage in the eyes of God?
Just to beat the worn drum of recent posts again, I don’t believe God has only ordained (affirmed, blessed) marriage between one man and one woman since the biblical witness doesn’t bear that exclusionary model out with it’s mix of marital configurations. Neither do I believe a piece of paper stamped and sealed by the government is required by God since the earliest marriages had none. In Genesis 29 and 30 Jacob exchanged 14 years of labor for his wives (Leah and Rachel). All he had was a verbal agreement with Laban. No paperwork in triplicate. After seven years of labor he had sex one night with Leah and they were married. Seven years later and another night of sex with Rachel and they were married, and through it all the Biblical narrative assumes that God recognized them as husband and wife…and wife. I’d also argue that God doesn’t care a gnat’s wing about a wedding ceremony in a church or on the steps of city hall or a ring or a cake.
What makes a marriage a marriage to God? Well, I’m not all that certain God’s concerned with marriage as a definition for a particular type of relationship. Marriage. Holy Union. Covenant Relationship. Kinship. Friendship. Parent and Child. Siblings. Pastor and congregants. God would seem to me to be less concerned with the category of a relationship than with the quality of the relationship but if defining relationship matters to God then I believe a marriage is a marriage in the eyes of God when two people enter into a covenantal relationship, exchanging the commitment of their heart to one another before the presence of God. I believe the intention of their hearts and the action of their lives is what God recognizes and that establishes the relationship as authentic, meaningful, and holy. I believe pure love (1 Corinthians 13) matters and is the single highest consideration to God in what gains God’s approval or disapproval. No offense to the church or to the majority of conservative Christians intended but I’d be hard-pressed to think God’s hanging on their thumbs up or thumbs down to reach a decision on the matter. God doesn’t seem to be the kind of God influenced by majority rule, status quo or accepted norms, at least if Jesus’ life and teaching was any indication, and therefore marriage in the eyes of God doesn’t hinge on how this society or any defines it.
So, if premarital sex is permissible and if gays and lesbians can be married (and married in the eyes of God) what does this mean for us in terms of considering the options for our future relationships and in expressing ourselves fully as both sexual and spiritual beings? Am I suggesting that all sexual behavior is permissible? Hardly. I believe (queer) Christian sexual ethics are to be governed by the love ethic of Jesus which comes with tremendous responsibility and accountability and this entire conversation is leading us toward this very thing; to consider God-centered love as the guiding force and the deciding factor in every action and word of our lives. Before moving into that conversation though I’d like to finish up this piece in my next post by addressing c), the conclusion that celibacy is the only moral option for gay and lesbian Christians.
Posted in Marriage, Sexual Ethics
August 2nd, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Back in the 1800’s slaves were property, they weren’t considered a people or person and since they were property they were not allowed to enter into contracts, even marriage contracts. This was a law that forbade them. However they still did, obviously.
I view this same idea about them being second class citizens that way many view us GLBT folk as second class – laws are not there for us to do what others can do, but that should not stop us from doing what our heart tells us to do.
above source – http://www.dinsdoc.com/goodell-1-1-7.htm
August 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 am
I have had this argument on my blog with other fundamentalist Christians who said that my relationship with my partner was an abomination due to the whole ‘man and woman’ fundie-theology based banter. I’ve discussed how premarital sex of heterosexuals is prominent — so would everyone trickle into hell one by one? I truly believe that even as a lesbian, the homosexuals would still have premarital sex even with the new laws of marriage being made. We’re human, right? I believe that the bond of love that goes hand-in-hand with physical expressions of your love for your significant other is much different than “lust” or of a promiscuous nature. God knows your heart.
On that note, my partner of 15 years and I are getting married on October 11th in MA. When we come back home to New York, it will finally be recognized!
I’m very excited and hoping that all states realize that love is love.
God bless!
August 3rd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Anita, I was very glad that you wrote this post. As usual, some of my questions were answered only to be replaced with a few more. Looking forward to the next installment.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I do want to discuss this — I guess the best way is just to tell my story.
At 23 when I was coming out, I thought that remaining celibate all my life was probably the only way I could be a Christian and a lesbian. I’m a very intense, introspective, spiritual person, and it has always been important for me to live out my faith with integrity. I struggled long and hard with the issue of faith and sexuality. But I was fortunate. While my background is relatively conservative (my parents were Southern Baptist missionaries), it was not at all fundamentalist. My parents served as missionaries through the 1980s during the fundamentalist takeover of the Southern Baptist Convention, and ultimately resigned from their jobs because of the SBC’s rigid positions on issues such as how to interpret the Bible.
So, while my parents were conservative in their own lives (they never drank, they taught us that we should wait until we were married to have sex, and never mentioned homosexuality that I can remember), they also taught us that there is more than one way to interpret Scripture. They taught us that it is okay to disagree with other Christians, and that being kind and loving is more important than holding a particular doctrinal viewpoint. They focused on the life and example of Jesus when looking at how we should use the Bible to give guidance to our lives.
What did this mean for me as a young lesbian adult? It meant that I had been exposed to Christians with varying perspectives on women in ministry, on creationism, and the interpretation of Scripture. I had learned to form my own opinions without fearing the judgment of others. Homosexuality and Christianity was just another issue – one I hadn’t explored yet, but I wasn’t afraid to examine my conservative viewpoint. If I had been forced to say what I thought about homosexuality at age 23, I probably would have said that I thought having sex with someone of the same sex was a sin like any other sin, but that I knew that not all Christians agreed with me. But I also would have said that I was still not sure what I thought, and that my answer might change in the future. I knew a few people in the ex-gay movement, and it just didn’t sit right with me, though I couldn’t articulate why.
I did know this: The “standard celibacy for queers” argument is flawed. When I read books on the “gay Christians should remain celibate” side, I knew I didn’t like the logic. It just didn’t make sense. So what if gays and lesbians couldn’t legally get married? What is legal doesn’t have a whole lot to do with what is moral. Back in the days of slavery, slaves couldn’t legally get married either – but that didn’t keep them from having their own wedding ceremonies. Since it wasn’t legal, did that mean they should have remained celibate? (Not that the women had much of a choice, anyway.) I wasn’t sure if God thought it was okay for me to pursue a relationship, but I was sure that the logic being used against it didn’t work.
When I came out, I did not have a girlfriend. I needed to go through this part of my faith journey before I would be ready to date anyone. I didn’t know if I would ever think it was okay to date anyone. I read a lot of books. I got to know gay Christians as well as straight Christians who were accepting. I tried to be balanced – I read the ex-gay literature, too, and it still just didn’t feel right. Little by little, I came out to people I cared about, and little by little, I came to accept my sexual orientation as a natural part of who I am. My relationship with God and with others has only grown stronger.
A few years ago, I decided I was ready to start dating. After a couple of failed relationships, I am now 32 years old and I am dating the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with. She is amazing, spiritual, caring, gifted… I could go on and on. We are getting married next July.
I do believe in faithfulness, and I am glad that I waited as long as I did before becoming involved with anyone. I still think there are some good arguments against premarital sex, especially for young people, but I don’t think “because the Bible says so” works (or is even true.) So I’m still thinking through some of this – but I’m happy with where I am today.
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:37 pm
wow! thank you SO much for this post. you have no idea how loudly this resonates with me right now and it came at the perfect time because i just finished a study on marriage. thank you thank you thank you.
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Dawn –> I appreciate the information and resource you provided. There are some interesting parallels on marriage prohibitions that were in place for slaves (and then a century later on interracial marriages) and currently for gays and lesbians. I had the opportunity years ago to meet an African-American woman who went across state lines with her white boyfriend back in the late 1950’s to get married because the state where they lived had anti-miscegenation laws on the books. Hearing her story, what they went through and were willing to do and risk for love was incredible. Oh, and another good resource on to add to yours is The History of Change.
Deb–> First things first. . .CONGRATULATIONS! How exciting for the two of you! And yes, I most certainly agree with you, as I’m sure anyone would, that if marriage were legal for same-sex couples in every state in the union, there would be gay premarital sex going on! Legal marriage for straight folks hasn’t slowed down premarital sex in their camp. I mean come on, I saw “Sex and the City” this weekend so they can’t fool me. [Note to Deb only (so no one else read this) I went ahead and took the liberty to make the correction in your comment and just deleted your second entry]
Kelli– I find it more meaningful to me personally to hear that something I wrote brought up questions for someone than provided them with answers, so that you got a little of both is a grand slam! Now, I just hope you don’t keep those questions to yourself but toss them out for us to consider as well.
Esther–>What an inspiring story of faith! You shared it so eloquently and it serves as such a strong witness to your Christian journey as a lesbian; seeking to live with integrity and in wholeness. When I post my piece on celibacy I’ll be linking back to what you wrote because it speaks so directly to the whole conversation. I also loved that so much of what you wrote rang true to my own experience as well…I found myself nodding along as I read.
Linda Lee–> You’re welcome, welcome, welcome! I’m so glad to hear there was something in that post for you.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Wow! What an excellent piece of writing. I think that you’ve answered some very important questions and you have done so by referencing scripture in such a way that I think earlier interpretations have been deliberately misleading. The Song of Songs is so obvious an example of sacredness of sex and I have never heard anyone mention the fact that they were unmarried. Oh, boy. I can’t way to bring this up with some folks.
Thanks, Anita.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Christian–> Thank you kind sir. A few years ago I wrote a series on God as our beloved based on the Song of Songs and despite how it’s often used within Christian circles as though the couple were married, it was hard to miss the fact that that’s simply not what’s presented in the text. Though I don’t recall the details (it’s an age thing) I also remember there being some interesting history around its inclusion in the canon. You have to know those old boys must have had some lively discussions around it! So have fun with the text and seeing where it leads conversations with your folks.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
This post came at a very good time for me as well. After the last several weeks of being “lovingly confronted” (you can’t see this but I’m rolling my eyes as I type…lol) by my sister , it came as a much needed confirmation that I’m not losing my mind. I found myself nodding in agreement a lot.
August 6th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Christi – good luck with the “loving confrontations”!
August 8th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Song of Songs? Our congregation did a “read the Bible in one day” exercise a few years ago. Participants agreed to read a section, and enough people were recruited to read the whole thing. Fun exercise. Real learning. The woman who drew Song of Songs had never looked at the book before. The revelation to her was astonishing, and she spoke about it as quite an experience.
Funny. A lot of other people had never read it, either. It was quite a discussion for a few weeks in the adult Sunday school classes. So far as I can tell, the revelations were all for the good.
Great post. Good luck to you all.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I was just curious why you think the man and woman in the Song of Solomon are unmarried throughout the book … I ask as a lesbian (with a partner) who also has an advanced biblical degree (and not a fundamentalist one LOL). I just don’t see the evidence there that sex outside of marriage was taking place here or anywhere else in the Bible.
I appreciate your arguments against gays having to be celibate; this is a much needed discussion. I also think your discussion about what a marriage is (in another post) is very needed. I think the Bible sets sex within the boundary of marriage for very good reasons; I just think there are also good reasons to expand the definition of marriage today to include same sex marriage.
I really think I look at the Bible with an objective eye. I’ve had lots of revelations about scripture since studying it for so many years, and they’ve sometimes been surprising and hard-to-accept ones. I say this to say that I don’t think I’m closing a blind eye to SofS … if I am, may my mind be opened! But for now, I think my scholarship has to conclude that there is no sex outside marriage in that book. When he calls her his bride, I think there’s every reason to believe it literally.
August 16th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Peg–> Thanks so much for your question and thoughts on the piece on the Song of Songs. Rather than respond to your comments here, I went ahead and wrote a post called Backing Up My Assertions. I just felt like your comments were important enough to take to a post rather than leave here in an older post that people might miss.
September 6th, 2008 at 7:03 am
I didn’t really read all of this, I more or less just skimmed through it thinking it to be one of those, “Remain celibate or face hell” things. I come across alot of those.
I’m not a lesbian, but I’m not so sure I’m ‘heterosexual’ either. In all my years of being alive, sex with a man seems.. eh, bothersome to me. It seems pointless. To be honest, I’m disgusted by the very sight of a penis. So, what brings me here is this.
Almost four years ago I met and fell in love with a woman named Audrey. We were together for two years, and then we broke up. I have not talked to her for almost three years, and I’m still so deeply in love with her that it hurts, and that I’ve given up dating completely because I know the only person I’d be happy with is her.
I used to fantasize about growing up and moving to Canada where gay marriage isn’t illegal, and marrying her. I used to fantasize about the kind of wedding dress I’d wear, and the songs we’d play at the wedding, and just being with her forever. I can honestly say that, in all my life, I have never, EVER loved one human being as much as I loved her.
I can recall a time she was in a coma in a hospital. You couldn’t believe how hard I cried and cried and cried. I prayed to God that if he could take my life, to just do it and take me in her place.
Our relationship ended soon after that because of my Christian religion. I still miss her. I remember thinking, “Why should I be a Christian? God hates homosexuals. Why should I worship a man that hates me? Why would I want to associate with such a creature?” or “God made me like this. He knew homosexuals would exist. How could I worship someone so cruel and uncaring that he’d force so many people to suffer just for being attracted to a person they loved?”
So, to shorten this up, what do I do? How can I live? If I live without being near Audrey again, I’ll go crazy. I’ll be a miserable, wretched creature. How can I be happy and still try to be a good christian?
September 7th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Karen–> I sure hope since posting your comment you were able to come back and read through the article to see there’s NO condemnation here nor any implication that being gay requires celibacy. I also want to encourage you to take a chance and read through some of the other posts here and in particular the stories of other lesbian Christians you can find listed under the category section of “Personal Stories.” In a few of those stories I pray you would hear your own story, fears, and questions expressed along with the hope, joy, and celebration of women who moved into whole lives that give full expression to their relationship with Christ and their sexual identity. Reading your story that you so graciously and courageously shared was so moving and with the most sincere heart Karen I hope you can find peace and joy in knowing that JUST AS YOU ARE, you are extravagantly loved by God and that there’s nothing you need do or not do to earn it or keep it.
So please, keep coming around here and do some more reading to see if anything here speaks to you and your concerns.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
thanks for your intelligent article (it’s more than a ‘blog post’ isn’t it!)
I’m due to be a bit of a bore, as my dissertation was on a similar subect (‘church responses to couples who cohabit’).
my own study leads me to conclude that, Biblically, sex is part of making a marriage – that and being a public couple. to be married wasn’t about documents (paper licenses – when BC?!!) – it was about making a life together, and being responsible for one another.
In such a patriarchal society, the Bible’s view on marriage offers stunning rights for women – men are just not allowed to have sex with a woman and leave her unmarriable (which would make her poor and destiture unless from an extremely rich and understanding family), and he couldn’t get a woman pregnant without being responsible for her forever. there was no ‘free love’! but no legal marriage either – biblical marriage isn’t about state law.
Indeed, until 1753, marriage in the UK only really involved legality if people were rich enough to have inheritance to worry about. The ‘clandestine marriage act’ of 1753 was brought in to make sure that someone couldn’t be raped and then claimed as a wife; and to make sure that someone couldn’t secretly marry someone and claim inheritance rights or stop a marriage which was previously planned.
I get quite irritated when people say, ’sex before marriage is against the bible’ – sex is a major part of making marriage – so one can’t really (biblically) literally have pre-marital or extra-marital sex – it’s all marriage-making (if consensual).
that’s why the bible is not okay with casual sex or prostitution – any sex which can’t be part of making a life together with someone, is out of God’s line. Hence, a man is married to any woman he has sex with, even if he already has a wife.
And that’s why Jesus is so rough about divorce – because casual divorce left women without financial support for themselves and any children they had, and left them pretty much unable to marry again, so they were destitute and vulnerable. Jesus is way ahead on sticking up for the rights of women, and children.
Brrr!! I’m going on! sorry!!
Very glad I found your blog and will be passing on the link to several friends who I suspect will be pleased to have found it too! Thanks!
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Wow. I’m so very glad I found this ministry. I wish you’d come talk at my college! As far as I know I’m the only lesbian at my (Private Christian) college… and I hate all the anti-gay talk… We need more voices like yours…. Thank you.
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Hang in there Jenn – you are probably not the only one but sometimes it feels that way. And yes it would be great if Anita could come speak at your college but I not she does much of that but maybe she could right a book! Come on Anita.