Getting Comfortable With Who You Really Are
June 10, 2009
I’ve been obese all my life. I spent my life transitioning from baby fat to chubby to overweight to obese to morbidly obese. I only knew what it was to be the biggest kid in every class and the largest woman in every gathering. There were limitations on my life because of my weight. There were things I wanted to do that I didn’t have the physical health to do. There were places I wanted to go I couldn’t go because my physical girth made it too difficult to get there. Being big became my place in the world and while it wasn’t easy and make for some agonizing moments of humiliation, it was all I had ever known and so in the way that humans do I found a way to be comfortable in what was familiar even if at times familiar was painful, embarrassing, miserable, and inconvenient.
Over the past dozen years I’ve lost nearly 160 pounds, the last 50 since January of this year. I’m at a weight I haven’t weighed since high school when I was merely passing by that number on my way to a higher weight. My entire life I daydreamed about what it would be like to be within a normal weight range and now at the age of 52, I’m there. I’m at a place with my body and health I never dreamed was possible and now that I’ve arrived, I’m understandably thrilled and grateful, and at the same time it’s totally unnerving and just plain weird. I look in the mirror and think to myself, “That’s not me. This isn’t who I am.” When I’m standing at the store counter buying size 12 pants there’s static in my head telling me, “They’re too small for you. They don’t belong to you.” In a way that’s hard to explain I feel at times like an impostor in the world because this body I’m in isn’t the body that I’ve always known and lived inside while relating to the rest of the world. I don’t want to go back to life before my weight loss but at the same time, that life is definitely more familiar to me and this new one has me a bit rattled and unbalanced on my feet.
And I’m not the only one reeling from the changes. People who have always known me as “the big girl” are acting a little disoriented too. I was with someone recently who has always related to me as someone much bigger than she and so throughout the day our conversation was interrupted with random comments of “I just can’t get use to you looking like that!” and “You’re nearly the same size as me!” And that’s the thing. Not only are people getting use to seeing me in a differently-sized body but the changes in my body are making them aware of their body which is why their conversation is drifting more and more frequently toward their own interest in losing weight and getting in shape.
There’s a lot of crazy thinking that goes on in the head of someone, at least this someone, after losing so much weight. I’ve gotten to know a number of former abundantly-padded people who share the same experiences and feelings and so I know I’m not the only one who goes through an adjustment period in getting the old head and heart matched up to the new body. It just takes time. It takes time to learn how to relate to the world in a different body and to get comfortable with how the world relates to you.
I imagine the same would be true for anyone going through any major life transition where they leave what’s familiar for something that’s entirely new to them. Maybe that’s part of what increases the internal tension many of us go through in coming out as queer. We spent a good number of our days relating to the world, or at least believing we did, as straight women and men (and just imagine for a moment, if you dare, how it must be for our trans brothers and sisters!) We had our place in the world, knew how we related to the world and the world knew how to relate to us. And while we might have felt less than who we knew we really were and felt the pain of not being fully whole and fully alive, most days we were okay because at the very least the life we were living was familiar.
Coming out to ourselves changed all that. We came to see something about ourselves we’d never seen before, maybe for no other reason than we had refused to look at that part of our lives and if we had happened to catch a glance of ourselves had pretended we didn’t see what we saw. Accepting we were gay was difficult for a number of reasons including conflicts with our faith teaching, but it was also uncomfortable simply because it was “the unknown.” We knew what it was like to identify as straight because we’d done it for so long but accepting ourselves as GLBT or Q was like free-diving into whole new territory! It wasn’t familiar and so that made it uncomfortable for us in the beginning. I look in the mirror and see a normal sized person but my head is still saying “This can’t be you. You’re suppose to be bigger than this!” and in the same we might have always known deep within we were gay but our head was still saying “This can’t possibly be true. I’m suppose to be straight.”
A huge shift in self-identity and how we see ourselves in the world is always bound to come with some pretty dramatic internal upheaval, and then just for good measure, go ahead and ratchet up the intensity off the charts by notifying the world around you that a part of your identity is different than it appeared and was presumed to be. Just like people who’ve known me all my life are temporarily relating (and reacting!) differently to me as a normal-sized person, people relate (and react!) differently to us when they’re put into the position of leaving their ideas of us as a straight man or woman behind for that of a gay woman or man. We’re changing how the group (church, family, friends, society) identifies with us and anytime anything or anyone in the group changes, there’s going to be transitional chaos for everyone. Did I emphasize that last sentence enough?
It’s going to take some time for me to grow accustomed to the new reflection looking back at me in the mirror. I’m going to have to buy a few more size 12 pants before I can let go of my plus-size clothing brain. When this body becomes more familiar to me then I’ll be more at ease in it because the head will have finally gotten in sync with the body. And other people will need time too. People who have always known me as morbidly obese will need to spend more time with me in the smaller body I’m now residing in to adjust to the idea that a smaller Anita is still the same Anita. It just takes time.
If you’ve just come out to yourself or have taken the next step to come out to others, it’s a little more complicated than all that. There are all the religious and societal considerations that complicate our own internal acceptance and other people’s reactions but there’s still this one basic aspect of shifting identities underneath it all that will naturally be resolved in due time. You need to give yourself and others time to adjust to the changes. You need time to get comfortable in your own skin. As a lesbian. As a gay man. As bisexual. As a man. As a woman. And others need time and usually they need more time than we do because we have the advantage of embodying the changes 24/7 while they’re trying to make sense of it from the outside looking in.
My physicality and your sexuality might have taken on a different form but we need to remember, as they need to remember, that at our heart and soul we’re still the same as we always were, and that these shifts we’ve gone through in our self-identity will only be for the better; allowing us the freedom to be more fully who we always were but was held back from fully expressing trapped in a body or identity that never really fit us to begin with.
Posted in Coming Out, Storytelling
June 10th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Hi,
Read your stuff all the time and this is the first time I’ve commented. You have a tremendous way with words and you definitely encourage us. Have you written any books yet? Are you writing one now? If not, you should. As soon as you do please let us know so we can buy it! The other part of us is Mindy, in case you were wondering.
You have been a very important part of our coming out over the last several years. Thanks for always being willing to make yourself vulnerable for God’s purposes.
Cherri
June 10th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Just wanted to say how much I love your writing. I never thought I would be a regular blog reader, and here I am!
Thanks!
June 10th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
so true.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Hi Anita! First of all, congrats on your weight loss – well done! Thanks for your blog post. I actually lost weight and then “came out” – God works in mysterious ways.
And yes: “we knew we really were and felt the pain of not being fully whole and fully alive, most days we were okay because at the very least the life we were living was familiar.
Coming out to ourselves changed all that. We came to see something about ourselves we’d never seen before, maybe for no other reason than we had refused to look at that part of our lives and if we had happened to catch a glance of ourselves had pretended we didn’t see what we saw.”
This has been a very interesting Look in the Mirror journey since coming out to myself and to others. ‘Life’s a trip – enjoy the journey’ as I always say.
Peace.
June 10th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
JRC–> Congrats on your own poundage deduction! And yes indeed, the whole coming out journey leads to a lot of glances in the mirror and visions of things never seen before!
June 10th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Catherine–> Well, that pretty much feels like a compliment of a very high order. Thank you
June 10th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Cherri–> Well, if you’re always going to comment so nice, by all means, comment more often! I haven’t written any books….yet. Actually, this was to be the year of “the book.” I have the title, have the notes, have the direction, have the stories, but there’s one thing I lack. DISCIPLINE! Hopefully that will show up on my back door one day so I can get the book in my head onto paper. I’m so grateful that both you and Mindy have received something from my writing over the years. That means the world to me. Truly.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I haven’t read this yet, but you DO look gorgeous & I’m proud of you & how far you’ve come.
Em
June 10th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Em–> And you’re a sweetheart!
June 10th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Anita,
You go girl!!!! Thank you for writing this one. And Jan and I also await your book. Your story of the weight loss is encouraging to me. I can relate to your being morbidly obese. I have more than 100 to go to be where I want to be, but I have lost about 80 pounds with the help of God, Jan and the Weight Watchers program. Being disabled with a lot of health issues does not allow me to be as active as I’d like to be. Some of the physical problems that I have now are directly related to being morbidly obese. I’m 57 now.
With God’s help I can lose the remainder of the weight. Thanks again for your encouragement. I look forward to your daily emails.
Blessings to you and ‘D’.
Bev
June 10th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Anita,
As you know I am not gay, nor have I struggled with weight issues. Your writing however still speaks to me as a person who wants to be open to accept each person I meet in this world with an open heart and mind. Your writings remind me again and again to relate to people as they would have me relate to them, not as I would have them be in the world. It’s very difficult with friends and family upon whom I tend to heap my own expectations.
Thank you for sharing with your open mind and heart.
Sandi
June 10th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Bev–> You’re doing so amazing yourself! I know how difficult it is to lose weight and it really is about taking it one day at a time. Physical limitations make it more difficult but I tell you, I’ve known people in wheelchairs who’ve lost hundreds of pounds. While this recent blog post focused on the weight loss in terms of body image, for me the primary motivation, especially for the last 50 pounds has been health-related. I love this world and the gift of being alive in it and the older I get the more I want to be one of those wonderfully active elderly women who are out there walking and moving and enjoying life, and I want the quality of my life with D to be the best it possibly can be for as long as it can be. If eating one less cupcake will allow me to live 1 minute longer with her then that’s one cupcake I’ll never miss. You and Jan are blessed with such love for each other and I know you want the same for your own future together as well. You’re doing it Woman!
June 10th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Sandi–> Yes, as I know you’re not gay
I can’t imagine there are many or any of us who don’t have expectations for others if we really think about it and occasionally the expectations we put on people limit and bind up who they really are or can be in the world. They also prevent us from receiving from those people gifts and beauty that we never expected to come from them. Like anything Sandi, I don’t know so much if we ever let go of all the expectations we have for people, especially those closest to us, but what we can do is be aware that we have them and not let our expectations have the final word in the worth of another’s life. It’s certainly something I have to work on too…to see people as they really are and not as I think they should be in my little vision of the world.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Wow! Another really great and inspiring post!
It really spoke to something I’ve already been mulling over. Look for another Anita inspired post on my blog in the next few days!
Congratulations on the weight loss as well! You look phenominal!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Kevin –> “Anita inspired post.” That could either be exciting or scary! I look forward to seeing where you take it Kevin.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
You look absolutely terrific. And this is so inspiring. I have lost 78 pounds officially, and it was around 60 pounds down that I finally realized why I had that wall. My boss was one of the first people I came out to, as she is one wonderful rolemode for me, and she cupped her hands around her face in shock and said, “You’re going to tackle both of these issues, at the same time”. And I said, I have to – they are related. I can’t do one without the other. I still have over a 100 to go, but I have new motivation. I am now diabetic, but the Dr says just barely, she’ll hold off the diagnosis, send me to a dietician, and give me three more months. I was really disappointed at first, but now I realize… God’s timing in this is awesome. I have the calorie counting part down, just got to learn the carb exchanges. At first, I felt like I have wasted half of my life — half of my life looking for a man to cure me of my same sex feelings and eating myself to death. Then I realized, but I still have at least half to go — and it is going to be the best half.
So, onward I trudge. Encouraged and supported by inspiring posts like this and with the prayers of friends, and sister-friends. And Lord willing, in 3 months, I will never have to get that diagnosis.
June 10th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
TDK –> I also responded to this over in the forum but just wanted to say again how incredible your journey has already been. 78 pounds is a phenomenal accomplishment and you’re more than half way to great health and reaching a goal that will change the quality of your life and inspire so many others along the way. I think for many of us the weight and our sexual orientation is wrapped up together. I’ve heard stories both ways; that sometimes people lose the weight and then come out as gay while others realize they’re gay and then lose the weight. I’m among the later group. I had to come to peace with who I was inside before I could ever fully commit to working on the outside. Looking back I don’t think it was until I experienced the joy of being a whole person and coming to accept that part of my wholeness was being gay that I even felt I was worth the effort of losing weight or that life held enough joy to even bother going to all the effort it would take to change. So I’m totally excited by your story TDK and for what the future holds for you on so many levels. Yes, keep trudging forward one day at a time and we’ll all stand and cheer (and thank God) on the day your doctor gives you a clean bill of health!
June 10th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Hi Anita, This was a great post. I’m just about to copy it and email it to a friend.
June 11th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Anita-
I can only think of one word that covers everything…..beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
Thank you for sharing all that you do.
OH! And there is still time in the year to write that book! Just sayin’
June 11th, 2009 at 8:28 am
ahhh. easier said than done. wish us luck. and best of luck to you on that book! truly.
June 11th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Anita, first of all, On the outside you look a completely diffrent person and since I don’t have to loose that much weight…..to me it feels like, if you can do this, I can do the loss I need to do for my transition.
“allowing us the freedom to be more fully who we always were but was held back from fully expressing trapped in a body or identity that never really fit us to begin with.”
Thank you for this writing….you are so true. I am alowing myself the freedom of choice to become me, the one I need to become, the one I am allready on the inside. And you also know why I am saying this.
Thank you again.
Jay
June 11th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Jay –> Yep, I know why you’re saying it and I also admire your commitment to taking the steps toward wholeness and being truly being you!
June 11th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
one more thought on your blog post Anita-
re: “we might have always known deep within we were gay but our head was still saying “This can’t possibly be true. I’m suppose to be straight.”
When I was a young Christian women, and of course, until my very late 30s – I told myself “you cannot accept that you are gay – just deny it, just tell yourself that you were born to be single – that will do just fine.”
Then God said – nope, you were not born to be single.
Okay God – here we go!!
June 12th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Beautiful.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Anita, Thank you so much for your continued honesty..I love the stuff you write..this in particular has been more than a ‘nudge’ from God..more like a ‘holy kick up the backside’ ..Well done you on your weight loss..I am sure others will be inspired as I am!
June 12th, 2009 at 10:35 am
John–> Are you hitting on me again??!! Oh wait. You meant the story. Nevermind.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Jayne—> Thanks so much though I tend to think God is more prone to nudges and taps on the shoulder than butt kicks
June 14th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Hey! Just wanted to say I’m back and blogging again
June 16th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Hi Anita! By simply looking at your photos I can see the big difference in you and when I read your post I find it very inspiring. Congratulations for your accomplishments I love reading your blog, you look wonderful.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Anita, you look fabulous! Congratulations. You are an inspiration to all of us. I love reading your words… and I’m looking forward to ‘The Book’…!
July 9th, 2009 at 7:18 am
you look great i have been over weight all my life j.r high school was over 160 pounds i have lost 23 pounds in 1and half years. and just coming out. my roommates are the first i came out to. so conratulations. and good luck to the rest of your journey.