God Didn’t Ask Me Why I Was Gay

January 1, 2006

I am a Christian Lesbian. I have had one partner my entire life and the Lord has richly blessed us in our marriage, which will reach the 12 year mark in June of 1999.

For 9 of the 12 years that we have been together, I struggled terribly in my attempt to reconcile my sexuality and my Christianity. I cannot adequately express the pain and darkness I experienced. About two years ago it all came to a head. I became convinced that despite the blessings, the growth both of us experienced in our relationships with Christ and the evidence of the Holy Spirit in our lives, that our love was an abomination to our God. It was devastating. I believed this because it was what I was told at every turn. My partner and I discussed it, prayed, cried, prayed together, poured over the scriptures, prayed some more, etc. We had done these things in the past, but somehow, for some reason, it came to a head for me and I just had to settle the issue once and for all.

I should let you know that my partner is a Christian and was long before we met. She had settled the issue of her sexuality before we met and was at peace with it. Still, she patiently listened to my questions (I was raised Catholic and had a whole lot of guilt and fear), tried to answer them, studied the scriptures with me and shared her views with great patience and love. When all of this came to a head, we agreed to enter a time of abstinence and prayer. This lasted for 9 months. Those months were the darkest of my life. Not just because we had decided to abstain form physical intimacy, but because my pain, doubts and questions negatively effected her faith. She began to wonder why this was happening when the issue was settled for her and she wanted me to resolve my issues once and for all. Not to mention, she was agonizing over my personal pain which she was forced to watch while being utterly unable to help me.

Finally, Praise God, He made His will clear to me. I knew once and for all the He accepted me, all of me. That my marriage was a blessing from Him and something He too accepted. I won’t go into how I know that it was from God except to say that He made it clear to me and enabled me to release my fear and hatred of my sexuality as only He was able to do. Just as I am unable to adequately express the pain I felt as I struggled, neither can I adequately express the joy and peace I felt in that moment. I still praise Him every day, not just for giving me peace and the ability to fully enjoy the marriage He blessed me with, but also because it opened doors in my relationship with Him which have lead and still are leading to a wonderful deepening of that relationship.

We are out to family, at work and with the majority of our “friends.” Church is however, another terrifying issue. We have been asked to leave one church and I am terrified to attend church because of that experience and because I do not wish to offend the spirit of those of a weaker conscience. We are out for the most part and we pray for discernment as we are faced with relationships that could possibly be damaged by telling the truth. I believe that we must consider the personal damage that this truth may inflict spiritually upon certain people. And we try to live our lives honoring that belief, while never lying if we are directly asked. It’s a complicated issue.

My spouse comes from a background with wonderful parents, Christian up-bringing, there were rough spots, but no abuse, no sexual molestation in childhood or otherwise. I, however, come from a less attractive background. I was physically abused, emotionally, and sexually. I used drugs and was an emotional wreck. I did and still do find some men attractive, though I have never had a relationship with any man, nor do I believe I could. I had no relationships, no willing sex, until I met and fell in love with my partner. I do not, however, “hate” men. I was raised Catholic but my parents had no belief in Christ as far as I could determine. However, I was blessed with His presence and He made Himself known to me at a very early age.

I do not know what made me a lesbian but God didn’t ask me why I was a lesbian, or if I thought I was born that way or my circumstances had made me that way. All I know is that when the Lord told me that I was OK and that I was OK just as I was, that the love that He gave to me to share with my partner was accepted by Him, and that the physical expression of that love was not an abomination, I knew peace for the first time.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16, NIV.

Praise God that I am living proof of the truth of John 3:16! I am living proof that it is possible to be gay and a Christian and that when scripture says “whoever believes,” none are excluded.

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 1999.

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