This Should End Any Doubt That She Is Indeed My Better Half
May 27, 2008
I don’t know how much the rest of the country and world is hearing about the recent decision by the California Supreme Court, extending the fundamental right to marry to same-sex couples but understandably it’s made it’s appearance on the front page of California newspapers more than a few times since May 15th court ruling. As it stands, sometime after June 15, gay couples will be allowed to apply for marriage licenses and once the paper is secure in their hot little hands they can rush off to a Justice of the Peace and “I do” themselves silly.
In the meantime, opponents of marriage equality have gathered 1,100,000 signatures from California voters (nearly 400,00 more than needed) to put an initiative on the November ballot that would strike down the Court’s decision, by saying that California recognizes marriage as being between a man and a woman. The initiative is named the California Marriage Protection Act. Don’t even get me started on that because I swear I can taste blood from biting my tongue just from the act of typing it. In all likelihood, barring divine intervention in the form of seven plagues and a flood, the initiative will find it’s way onto the ballot and go before California voters who with a check mark on paper will either honor the marriages that will have taken place in the short five months between June and November or make them legally and immediately null and void. The anticipated outcome depends on what source of information you’re paying attention to at any particular moment.
I don’t need to tell you this is a monumental event in the lives of gay couples within the State of California as well as a potential advancement for gaining full rights for GLBTQ people nationwide, and with all the media attention and the debate between opponents and proponents growing increasingly heated, it’s already turning in to a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for those of us hearing it and thinking about it everyday. Today was a dip in the ride for me as I considered going through the whole process all over as we did in 2004 only to run the risk of having our marriage yet again declared null and void within months.
That’s where I was today and why when D and I went out for a walk I expressed my frustration and doubts that it was even worth the bother of getting married again if it would just be negated in November. I voiced my anger about paying taxes like every other California resident and yet having less rights than all the rest. I waxed silly on the secret plot that had obviously been developed by the state to extract multiple marriage license fees from its queer citizens. The whole time I rambled D listened but said nothing.
A few hours later I lumbered downstairs and continued, telling D I was rethinking this whole situation and wondered if maybe we should wait until the very last minute before the November election to get married so we could at least make some kind of statement. We could call some people from the media and have them come to our wedding at the 11th hour so voters would have a final opportunity to see the horrifying threat of our love to the institution of marriage and life as we know it. As I pontificated from a top my soapbox D listened but said nothing.
It was a little later in the day when D returned to the living room where I was actively numbing my feelings with a repeat episode of the People’s Court, that she finally spoke. “Okay,” she said, “Now this is what I would like to see happen as far as getting married goes. What I want is to marry you as soon as I possibly can and do you know why?” I didn’t hazard a guess. “Because if they take it away from us again, I want to know I was married to you for as many days as was possible.”
I love her so much it makes my elbows itch.
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Posted in Marriage, News and Events, Storytelling
May 28th, 2008 at 4:06 am
Awww… okay D wins for the best answer possible!!
May 28th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Joni –> Which is normally the case in our house
May 28th, 2008 at 7:39 am
And sympathies about the election stuff; I’m avoiding coverage of the ballot initiative, and I’m halfway across the country!
May 28th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Choralgirl–>I try to avoid it more frequently than not myself so I commiserate with ya. It’s unfortunate we live in a world where we sometimes have to choose between being informed and taking care of ourselves.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:13 am
I second that “Awww”! What a heartbreaker! No wonder your elbows itch! Although I totally agree that the whole situation is unfair, D really brought it down to the heart of the matter. To love as freely as possible , for a long as possible is the most important thing of all. Keep up the great work here on the site. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed lurking around here the last several months. Be Blessed!
May 28th, 2008 at 8:21 am
While I was visiting friends in Spokane, the conversation was on the recent extension of gay couple’s rights in WA and how it would affect the couple I was staying with. Not marriage, yet, but “domestic partnerships.”
One might think that Cali, the founding home of DOB and Mattachine, would be a more compassionate state than MA, but then, that’s just me waxing logical in a very illogical world.
Hang onto D as tightly as you can, and know that however sluggish the wheels of justice seem, they do eventually get us there. As always, you’re in my prayers.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Lor –> So glad you’re lurking and that you stepped forward to articulate so well what D’s comment did for me. It’s the love Baby, it’s the love.
Bon –> While full equality is where we’re headed, the widening span of domestic partnership across the country is a big step for sure. I believe Oregon just opened the door for DP’s as well which is great. And Bon, you’re going to get in trouble if you’re going to look at life logically…or at least some of the situations that comprise it. I think the problem with CA is that too many people with their own agenda living in other states know the importance of what happens here to the nation and so they keep their eyes on us and their nose in our state business. I said that with my sweet voice, by the by. And oh, be assured, I’ve got a tight grip
May 28th, 2008 at 10:44 am
A teary eyed awww. Wow.
Amazing how our “better half” can pull us down from our soap boxes in 2.2 seconds with a few small words that make our hearts melt and sink all at the same time.
Sweet, very very sweet.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Stephanie –> 2.1 seconds….but who’s counting?
May 28th, 2008 at 11:01 am
BEAUTIFUL!
2nd (or 3rd wedding), hundreds of dollars (how ever much)… knowing you married the right woman more than once? Priceless!
I had a similar expression from my beloved. Already did the civil union many moons ago in VT., then did the same sex marriage in OR. in 2004, then comes OR. domestic partnerships in 2008. What to do? Well, I came home one day to a message on the bathroom mirror: “I would marry you one million times if you would say yes!” And so we were 4th in line for the domestic partnerships this year.
How blessed are we?
Enjoy the ride!
May 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Wendy –> What a GREAT message to find on the bathroom mirror! I had my own ahhhh moment reading it. As a native Oregonian I was thrilled on the passing of domestic partnerships there. This was actually our first year to file jointly in California and while paying taxes is never a treat, it made it sweeter finally putting our names to the same form. Enjoy!
May 30th, 2008 at 2:02 am
You made me laugh out loud-I am at work and that was very hard to explain? I have never heard the elbow thing but I love it! What would we ever do without our batter halves?
I am a little envious-here in Oklahoma, marriage domestic partnership or anything of the like will never pass our ballots. They just skipped ahead and passed a bill or measure or whatever it is called to assure that marriage in this state will ALWAYS ONLY be between a man and a woman!!! Even being “out” is not really safe all the time. But I love living vicariously through you all. So please go get married-1000 times if you have to and tell us all about it.
From what I have heard you and D are lucky to have each other-keep up the great work and keep loving life!!!
May 31st, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Oh Anita, it’s so good to see that you and D are still so madly in love after all these years (how many is it, actually? seems like forever!)
I’m working hard not to get too excited about this California thing, because it seems that the far right always wins .. perhaps our side is just too nice! You’ve seen the news here in New York? That our new Gov Patterson just told all state agencies to review and revise any pertinent regulations to recognize same sex marriages performed in other states? Naturally the opposition is threatening all kinds of things, although I don’t know how successful they’ll be. According to a couple of articles in the NYTimes, there is no legal standing for anyone to sue to stop this action … it’s not changing anything, just making sure that same sex marriages are treated like any other marriage conducted in a different state/country — accepted as legal in our state. We’ll see …
May 31st, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Michelle –> it’s been 8 years since we met and just over 6 since we’ve been married although those numbers look so small since it seems like D’s always been in my life. Can’t hardly remember or imagine what it was like before mi amore entered stage left. Thanks for telling me about New York! I’ve been a little out of the current events loop the past few days. I’m given to a bit of wait and see attitude these days myself Michelle but historically, we’d be a little nuts to not have some reservations, don’t you think? The way I keep it positive is to remember that there’s movement. Sometimes forward, sometimes backward, but at least its movement and that’s something to celebrate after so many years of nada. We’ll get there one day Girlfriend…equality for all in all things. From our hearts to God’s ears!
June 14th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Asking for enlightenment…
I’m only 26 so I’m not as experienced in life as many other people. I’ve been raised in the church (Southern Baptist) for all 26 years. I’ve been out since I graduated high school in 2000. In 2001, I met Amanda. She was the second person I had ever dated and the first one I have ever loved. Being rooted in fendamentalism I went through the True Love Waits campaign many times. As cheesy as it is, not being with any other person intimatly until I met and knew she was the one, is the most incredible thing ever.
I remeber saying wow….that was incredible and the laugh she had when I told her. Coming up on 7 years now, I consider myself married. I would never be with any other person. It hasn’t always been rosey and we’ve had VERY difficult times, but why do I need a piece of paper to tell me I’m committed?
Personally, I think that our government is so far from Biblical that it’s hopeless to think it will come back. Also, Jesus never tried to change the minds of the church officials, he focused on the people.
The human side of me wants my rights like eveyone else. The Christian side of me, feels that working on that is selfish when there is a greater message to be given.
I appologize if I used this forum incorrectly, any insight is greatly appreciated.
Jen
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jer 29:11
June 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Jen –> Congratulations to both you and Amanda on your relationship and the commitment you share with one another. In responding to your questions, I don’t think a paper is needed to tell you of your commitment. I don’t think that should be the case for any couple, gay or straight. It’s the vows of the heart we make to one another and before God and then the living out of those vows in the day to day of life. It’s our word, not our signature that holds our commitment.
I can’t answer for anyone but myself, but I’ll go through any and every door that opens to us for the legal recognition of our marriage for a range of reasons. First, because I love D with everything within me and legal marriage status provides protection under the law that will make a tremendous difference for her in the future should something happen to me. It’s out of love for her and a desire to provide for her (and her for me) that we’re motivated to enter into legal marriage. We also will be legally married because it says to the world, whether they accept it or not, that there’s nothing casual, nothing wait and see, nothing held back in our relationship. Marriage is what people understand in our society as being a sign of ultimate commitment and so we choose to make that statement even though between the two of us it’s already known and certain. Primarily though, this is a justice/equality issue that affects not only gay people but all people, not only now but well into the future. Micah 6:8 reminds us that all God asks of us is that we “love justice, do mercy and walk humbly with our God” and so loving, seeking, and working toward justice for everyone in this world seems very clearly to me one part of our call as the people of God. It happens that marriage equality effects me personally, but that doesn’t mean pursuing it’s a selfish act unless marriage equality is the only justice issue I care about which it’s not. I find that as both human and Christian I desire equality for everyone, for myself and for those I’ve never met, and that the message of equality is inseparable from the message of “For God so loved the world…..that whosoever…”
You said that Jesus never tried to change the minds of the church officials. I don’t think I necessarily agree with that because all through the Gospels Jesus spoke a message that he knew would incite the religious leaders. Jesus was constantly delivering teaching and doing actions that clashed into the religious leaders and systems and so I believe his purpose on earth was just as much to shake up the religious status quo as it was to open the eyes of the blind and free those who were captive.
So glad you posted your thoughts Jen which I found very interesting to consider. Perhaps others here will have different thoughts to add as well.
July 17th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Anita, just an email for several thank yous. My “better half” posted you in response to the “End All Doubt That She is My Better Half”, under the name Cindy. We live in a small rural town in Oklahoma and as she stated we will most likely never have the opportunity to marry or have any legal rights as a gay couple. Cindy and I have been together for twenty wonderful years. We met in high school, and have been together since. We struggled through many years of “evangelical brainwashing” and tortured ourselves and our relationship because of it. Several years ago we finally came out to God and each other. Last summer we started coming out to some friends and my family. We have since developed some wonderful lesbian couple friends in our community, and some straight supportive ones as well! “Coming out” worried me about our job security, but so far all is well. I believe God has placed us here with the purpose of supporting others like us that need to know God still loves them whether gay, single parents, minorities in a “white dominant” community, etc. I lost my father and sister in 2003. The only immediate family I have left is my mother. I came out to her and my extended family last summer. My mother is “disappointed and can never condone my lifestyle choice” (her words, not mine.) She is not supportive at all and usually confrontational and condescending. She is a very active church member in the church I grew up in and very active in many Christian community Bible studies and activities. The rest of the family has followed her lead and are not supportive. C’s family does not know. They accepted me into the family long ago as “another daughter” and C does not want to tell them unless necessary and I agree. Our Christian community in our town and this state are not only against gays but very angry and hate-filled. I’m sure you heard about our state representative who said we were worse than terrorists! C found your site last summer when we were struggling whether to come out or not. We have read your site faithfully since then! We cannot even dream of the life you and D have, and others on this site. We will never know the safety and freedom that you all experience in your lives together. Our lives are always with caution and watching our backs, always living in fear of what could happen to us tomorrow with our homes, our jobs, our lives. But your site, and all the stories and people on it gives those of us out here HOPE. You give us something to hold onto and something to believe in. You let us know that the whole world is not full of hate and condemnation, but that LOVE and PEACE do exist out there. I agree wholeheartedly with what C told you–you and D get married as many times as they will let you!!! Do it over and over again for all of us who cannot and will probably never have the opportunity to do so!! Last Spring C and I had our ceremony under the stars with just each other, one close supportive (straight!) friend and the Almighty God as our minister and witness. We felt very strongly about saying those wedding vows to each other and in the presence of God, even if no church would welcome us.
I tell you all of this Anita to say PLEASE NEVER STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!! You are like the person in the military who carries the flag into battle. When those of us who are deep in the trenches, surrounded by the enemy, look up, we can see you, and D, and all those on your site, holding up that flag–the one that says God Loves Us Gay and Christian! We cannot get to you, we cannot wave that flag ourselves yet, but we can see yours and that gives us the strength and the courage to keep struggling and fighting on until the day that we can join you. Thank you for your words of encouragement! Thank you for your constant teaching and encouragement for us to learn! Thank you for standing against the odds and fighting for us when we cannot fight for ourselves! Know that we are here–many, many of us in the “red states” in the rural central and south. We cannot always speak out or stand up, because here that can mean harm to us and our families, it can mean our jobs, or even our lives. But we are here and we are not leaving or giving up. We find each other and support each other when and where we can. And we continue to look to you all for hope and encouragement. And we also pray constantly for you. We pray for your lives and for your fight, which is our fight. We pray that God will lift you up and that the world will learn the Gay and Christian is not a contradiction. You cannot always see us, but we are here and we are praying for you and supporting your ministry the best we can. Thank you for all that you do! And PLEASE NEVER STOP!!!! Marry D again and again if that is what it takes! And I will make you a promise–if we ever get our miracle down here in Oklahoma, you will get an email wedding invitation!!! I would give anything in the world to be able to say for just a moment that C and I were married. So for now we will continue to live and dream vicariously through you all!!! Take care and God Bless! Our prayers are with you!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 24th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Heather –> Thank you so much for sharing part of your story here. I’m so moved by it all, from the painful to the joyful experiences; of what you’ve lost and all you’ve gained. I know someone will read about your situation and find it to completely connect with their own lives and in doing so it will provide them the inspiration and encouragement to continue on in their own situation. Everything you shared was a totally amazing gift. Thank you!
I say to D all the time how fortunate we are to live where we live, where we can be out in our community, at church, and in our careers, enjoying the legal right to domestic partnership (and at least for now to legal marriage), and living in relative safety. We know our situation is rare and unimaginable for so many other gay people in other areas of our country or in another countries, which is in fact one of the reasons I share it with everyone. While we in Northern California still have more work to do locally in confronting prejudice and ignorance, we’re certainly closer to experiencing full equality than most…at least for now.
I have no intention of ever relinquishing this little corner of the internet. Ever.
Heather, as you’re praying for me, (and THANK YOU for that!) so am I praying for you and C and all those who follow this blog and all those whose names I’ll never know. If together we can encourage someone who’s confused about their life, questioning their place before God, or struggling under the judgment of others, then what a gloriously cool thing that is! You said so many kind and encouraging words about me, but most of all what I read was glorifying to what God has been doing in your own life and I’m just blessed beyond words for having read it all. Thank you again.
August 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Anita, I just read this story today and it made me cry (happy tears). This is such a sweet story! You are one lucky woman to have D in your life! I hope someday I find love they way you and D have.
What God has put together let no man destroy!
Best of luck to you both!