I Think Gay On a Frequent Basis
March 11, 2008
On any ordinary day I find myself thinking gay. At home. In the car. At the gym or grocery store or the DMV. Okay. At the DMV I’m not thinking gay. I’m thinking how they could possibly go any slower in getting us through those miserable insufferable lines. But even there, something might trigger the gay in me and before you know it, blam, I’m thinking seriously gay ruminations.
I can’t really tell you the exact content of my gay thoughts. It’s not as though I’ve been sworn to secrecy or anything, it’s just hard to pinpoint gay thoughts specifically since they’re often so jumbled up with regular thoughts they can’t be untangled from all the rest of the clutter housed in my cerebral cortex. At any moment I might be compiling my grocery list, planning the children’s sermon for the following Sunday, reprimanding myself for not emptying the litter box on trash day, pondering a deep thought about my place in the world, giving a quick shout out to God for a stunningly beautiful day, and wondering how it was that the driver in front of me managed to misinterpret the yield to traffic sign on the freeway on ramp with come-to-a-complete-stop-and-then-pause-for-a-ridiculously-long-time-before-accelerating. With all this static humming along there’s this strand of a gay thought weaving in and out.
Gay thoughts aren’t always specific thoughts with feelings attached more than they’re just an awareness of being gay. Unsolicited mail arrives at a lesbian household addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Lesbian. A lesbian goes to buy an Easter card for her wife of 6 years but only after scanning each card to be sure there’s no mention of being the luckiest man alive. The lesbian couple out on their anniversary hesitate momentarily to consider the elderly couple at the table next to them before reaching across the table to hold hands. While out grocery shopping one lesbian says to the other “Honey, would you grab another carton of milk?” and a shopper near them glances up from her grocery list with the familiar Are they? look on her face. Nondescript little encounters in the middle of life that tap you on the shoulder to say “Hey, you’re gay.” When I first came out I felt guilty for thinking gay so much. I wondered if they were right when they accused gay people of being obsessed with being gay. After all, I had seldom thought about my sexuality all those years when I assumed I was straight and now it was nothing but gay gay gay and I worried that my life had gone out of balance.
If you’re of the GLBTQ persuasion you probably know what I’m talking about, but if you’re straight, not so much. That’s because heterosexuality is a place of privilege that affords straight people the privilege of not thinking about their sexual orientation, just as being white in America allows me the privilege to not think all that often about being white, and I say white rather than Caucasian because I went for a walk in shorts the other day and I overheard a nearby child whispering something to her mom while glancing in my direction about the Pillsbury Dough Boy looking like more like a girl. It’s been a long winter.
My point, and I do have one, is that human sexuality, whatever the form it takes, is intrinsically fundamental to our identity. Gay people might understand that better simply by virtue of not standing in a place of privilege but gay or straight makes no difference; rather than being a compartmentalized element contained within us, our sexual identity weaves through every facet of our beings as does our spirituality, intellect, physicality, emotions, gender, ethnicity and race. It simply can’t be separated from who we are in our humanness and given that it’s totally understandable we’d think about ourselves as sexual beings just as we think in terms of all the other bits and pieces of our lives.
This is why Hate the sin, Love the sinner gets such a negative response. Listen, I get what people mean when they say that. Good people, loving people (some more so than others) say those words and I believe they say it with the best of intentions. Homosexuality is a condition, a thing, a sin. The homosexual is a person, a human, a child of God. They view the two as separate, but the thing is, homosexuality is the way our human sexuality leans and it’s not a thing outside of us but it is a thread in the fabric in our lives. From our perspective if someone hates the homosexuality in us, then they hate a part of what is us just as it would be if they said “I hate the way you think, I hate the color of your skin, I hate the shape of your legs.”
And by the way, my legs are just fine. Buttermilk biscuit dough white but fine all the same, thank you very much.
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Posted in Human Sexuality, So Gay
March 12th, 2008 at 7:11 am
This is wonderful. I never really think of myself as being consumed with “heterosexual” thoughts. Certainly I think about my husband and about traditional husband/wife things- but I don’t classify them because they are simply my life. I often wonder what it must be like for a gay person, when suddenly their life is reclassified. It can’t be easy!
March 12th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Okay so I have wrestled all day if I should once again leave a comment. I don’t want to become someone who has to answer ever post but on the other side I related so much with what you said.
My mother has been nothing but supportive to me since I came out to her, but she remarked that I seem to be spending a lot of time thinking about being gay. I tried to let her know what I was thinking and the best way I found was to ask her to pretend that I took her to a gay bar. She was the only “straight” person there. Wouldn’t she look around to see if there was anyone there that was “the same” as her? It is hard sometimes to be a member of a minority, and I think she realized what I was trying to say, but it is hard for someone who never had to question a deep part of themselves to understand.
When mom came out today to visit, I pulled up this entry and had her read it. I think it helped her to understand that I wasn’t trying to be different, but was different because of who I was. I’m not weird in thinking of my orientation but being honest to who I am. She said your post made a lot of sense to her and she will consider all she read. Thanks for bringing up this subject just when I needed it most.
March 13th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Anita you have so apply described HOW I think. These gay thoughts are not definable for me either. Just the awareness that I am me and that me IS GAY. The other thing that I have noticed as someone who has only recently even identified that I am gay is that I talk to God steady. When I thought He would either strike me dead or in the off hope maybe He’d just ‘fix’ me and He did neither I finally learned the meaning of His loving grace Is enough for me. The thankfullness and joy He has given is more than I have ever known. That peace that passes ALL Understanding thing. There is no way to ever doubt His love and work in my life. Thanks for your beautiful writting!
March 13th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Shush –> You address male-female relationships a lot on your blog and do it eloquently and quite insightfully. When other straight people read your entries they focus on the content rather than the context. They aren’t thinking “She’s describing a heterosexual relationship and I’m heterosexual too.” The difference is that when I read your blog as a gay woman I see that it’s within the context of a straight relationship and so in a heartbeat I recognize “Shush is talking about men and women, she’s straight, I’m gay, so how can I connect somehow with what she’s saying?” In doing so, I’m thinking gay….again, not a bad thing necessarily but more like as a gay woman I have to do more “translation” work in my life. In other situations, thinking gay IS difficult…for example when in the middle of the day I hear that an elected official in Oklahoma has recently said in the news that I, a gay woman, am more of a threat to America than terrorists are. Big old gay thought.
WV –> I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me that you shared such a wonderful story about you and your mom and I think the example you provided for your mom was brilliant. If what I shared here helped her understanding even more than I’m humbled and thrilled to have contributed something to that.
Liz –> Yep, it’s an awareness more than anything huh? Something you said made me think of this….that the background “noise” or awareness that I’m gay has helped me to understand the idea of “pray without ceasing” because it’s less a deliberate act that I think we’re to engage in throughout the day as it is the constant awareness of being in open communication and relationship with God. I’m made aware throughout the day I’m gay and so in that way you could say I think about it without ceasing just as I’m constantly aware that God is present and so I am praying (in conversation) without ceasing. I don’t know if that makes any sense or relates at all to what you said but it’s where your comment took me
March 14th, 2008 at 6:48 am
I read this last night and can’t stop thinking about it. I do this too, I never really thought about it as thinking gay but I guess that is really what it is. I think it makes me tired. Some mornings I wake up and think, I just don’t want to do this anymore, this isn’t something I should have to spend so much time and energy thinking about. It should be something that just is, something that is just me, something I shouldn’t have to be aware of all the time, even on a subliminal basis. I have more thoughts here but not sure quite how to form them into words that won’t offend. It’s almost like it is a handicap that needs constant attention in order to be kept safe. It’s not a handicap, it’s me, it is a part of who I am, a small part but a part none the less. If it is such a small part why does it take up so much time, thought, and energy?
March 14th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Anita yes that is exactly what I was saying. The truth of being aware and open to who I am has brought the truth that God is with me and in me so clearly into my thoughts. A running conversation realising I am naked and open in His sight and He is working for my good.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I am sitting at work the other day doing what I do on the computer when I was caught up in a conversation with the lady I work with. We got into a conversation about gay people. Although I have worked where I have worked for ten years, I have never worked with her. Nor do I know much about her or how much she knows about me. We kind of got thrown together a couple of months ago. When you talk about thinking about being gay on a frequent basis, I do the same at times. And then there are times when I think… hmmm is it more fun for for people to try to figure out which way I lean or should I just tell them. That may not be the best way to do things, but at times it can be fun until I decide the best route to take. What makes it that much more interesting is that they all know I am divorced with a daughter.
My ex-husband and I have a somewhat friendly relationship unless money is involved. But that is a whole different story. He and my girlfriend almost always call at the same time everyday. So that always throws this lady I work with. I can almost read her face. She will say things like “Uh I am okay with gay people”, or “I know a gay person”…. Mmm hmmm sitting right next to you. And if she happened to be the one to answer the phone she just talked to either my ex-husband, who is also gay or my girlfriend. She obviously wasn’t present and accounted for on the day that my girlfriend kissed me outside and it sent a whirlwind of gossip throughout the entire building.
There are times when we get to talking I will bring up gay issues just to see what she says. I think this is how our conversation started the other day. She was talking on how she thought gay people were alright except that they should not be allowed to have kids. Really I thought to myself… This is a person whose boyfriend pays no attention to his own daughter from a relationship that only lasted a bit. And she herself has a daughter that she sent to live with her grandfather as she didn’t want to deal with the problems of raising a child. I asked her if she thought is it wrong for a child to be brought up in a loving homosexual household or would it be better for the child to be left to fend for itself in an abusive be it emotional, physical or mental yet straight household? She said well you do have a point. She said she never thought of it like that, that she had always been told it was wrong.
I am not saying this to blast her or her beliefs or opinions. But I think at times that yeah I too think about being gay frequently. I think to myself, “wow, I am really proud of who I am and that I have a partner who loves me for me!” It is okay. And yes we too get pointed at out in public, as I love to put my hand on the small of her back when we are walking. I love to walk with her and don’t think that I should feel ashamed of who I am or how I feel regardless of the stares or whispers.
I still am a child of God regardless of my ethnicity, gender or sexuality.
I love what you wrote…
The homosexual is a person, a human, a child of God. They view the two as separate, but the thing is, homosexuality is the way our human sexuality leans and it’s not a thing outside of us but it is a thread in the fabric in our lives.
…definitely a thread in the fabric of our lives…
March 16th, 2008 at 3:34 am
This was a real pleasure to read! And I appreciate, too, the way you handle the “Hate the sin, not the sinner” mantra. You are exactly correct. Thanks!
March 20th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I understand thinking gay. I’ve thought gay forever, and in fact, I wonder if, since one’s orientation is a key facet to one’s self-concept, whether a gay person ever doesn’t think gay.
Bear with me. I recently came out, after hiding 20 years in the “you’re going to go to hell, homosexuality is demon possession” imposed closet. I came out because I realized I could never get any closer to God, from whom I was drifting, until I learned that I had to quit condemning how he created me as sinful. Now I came out to a couple friends, who care about as much about my being gay as they would were they to suddenly learn I have an astigmatism. It’s no big to them. But we were debating the merits / demerits of men opening doors for women, and the guy waved my comments aside (which he wouldn’t have done before I came out) with the statement “well, this might be for you, but you’re not attracted to men. You see things differently.”
Well, yeah–I do see things differently. In fact, I always have seen things differently. Even when I was trying to be the good Christian straight girl, I thought gay. Because I am gay. I think gay just as much as I think woman. True, and your point is important, that as a minority, my gay thoughts might come to the conscious level more often than others–but this doesn’t mean that these are somehow a distinct category of thought. All my thoughts are gay, since they’re all thought by a gay woman. I see things gay, through a gay filter. As such, my every thought is gay. And they always have been gay.
This isn’t to say that all I think about is sex or my orientation or whatever, but that I can’t escape my own mind when I’m thinking–I can’t get away from myself. I bring me into every thought. And so since I’m gay, my thoughts, my perspective, my observations are always gay. Just like they’re always female. Just like they’re always Christian. I bring me with me, wherever I go, even if it just be in thought.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Bon –> I find it incredibly irritating when a blog comment says it better than the blog entry! Yes, I’d wonder if it were ever possible to not think gay since as far as I can tell since coming out I haven’t had a gay-thought free day. The gay and the me are pretty inseparable as you said so well.
Susan –> Thanks! And as to the “hate the sin, love the sinner” mantra, my impression is that people seem to be using that less, hopefully because over time they’ve gained some understanding as to why it just doesn’t work in the conversation. Now if we could just spread the word on that whole “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” catchphrase before I end up having my eyes roll completely out of my head one day.
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 pm
It’s nice to hear people talk who have the same kind of thoughts I do. the only time I haven’t thought gay was when I had myself so self repressed by my own religious rediculousness I could hardly think at all.
phew!!! what a relief to finally come out to myself. That does open a can of worms for most of my relationships, but allowing myself to be okay about being gay makes me able to deal with it all better.
In fact.. I think being openly gay makes me a better person. I was a horrible heterosexual. No clue at all for such things. Life is better on the inside and I’m sure the outside will be catching up.