I’m Channeling Sally “You Really Like Me” Fields
May 12, 2008
Have you ever sought the approval of others or been obsessed with what others think about you?
No. Wait. I’m probably the only one.
Or am I? Maybe I’m wrong.
Do you think I’m wrong?
I wonder if you think this is a weak opening. Do you think it is?
Maybe it’s not good enough and I should start all over again.
Should I start all over again? Do you think I should?
Huh? Do you?
I admit it. I’ve spent a big chunk of my life seeking approval from others to validate just about everything about me from the decisions I made, to the way I thought, to the person I was. No matter what I did if someone else noticed and gave a positive response I ended up feeling a little more smart, talented, interesting, funny, or insightful than I did before someone noticed. I loved that my mom and dad were proud of me as their daughter, that the parents of the church praised my ministry with their children, and that I received glowing feedback following workshops and various speaking gigs. I’ll even confess, since it’s just you and me here and I know you won’t tell anyone else, that it was a major ego-rush when I’d get a room full of children giggling and one of them would look up at me and say with an all too adorable, sweet, and adoring face, “Teacher Anita, you’re so funny! You make me laugh!” Maybe it was the clown costume, or the time I tossed a ball up in the air and a ceiling panel came crashing down on my head, or running around the room pretending I was an ape in the jungle complete with sounds and accompanying gestures and gyrations….so many choices to choose from.
People-pleasing, to one extent or another is a normal human quirk we all share but in my own life growing up in the church seemed to crank it all up another notch. Et tu? It wasn’t just about feeling a little smarter or prettier or funnier, but when people in the church approved of my actions and agreed with my words it meant they were not only validating my worth as an individual but my worth as a member of the community. I was one of them and I belonged. I was living in a way that matched the way they were living and believing as they believed, and should I have questions about what we believed, when our answers didn’t seem to fit the questions, I brushed my doubts aside. After all, everyone in my world, a very conservative evangelical world, were all on the same page with their answers and because I admired and loved them, then surely they must be right which could only lead to one conclusion; I was wrong, and if not wrong, at least weak for being uneasy with the certainty of the answers.
It’s funny really, or tragically sad that the Christian faith, supposedly centered in an individual’s personal relationship with Christ in reality seems to judge the personal in comparison to the community norm. What I mean to say is that our relationship with Christ and the way we flesh it out is expected to conform to the rest of the community and when it doesn’t conform, that’s seen as a red flag, a signal that something isn’t quite right with the one who does or sees things differently. Could it be that the church has come to be more interested in the individuals relationship to Christianity (their group) than to Christ? I’m just wondering this out loud.
So all that to say, there was a message that played around in my head as I confronted the realization I was a lesbian, a message that argued “Everyone in your world, all the people you love, your family, your friends, your church, and kabillions of Christians believe homosexuality is a sin. They read the Bible and say it’s message on homosexuality is clear. They can’t all be wrong so you must be wrong.” Of all the old messages this is the one that stayed with me the longest and played the loudest and I came to realize over time it plays for a whole lot of people in the church, gay, straight and polka-dot, and it continued to play for me until I came to recognize that a vocal majority of Christians (and the institutional church) have historically have been wrong about a boat load of other issues beginning with the prohibition of Gentiles into Christian community, enforcing slavery, second-class status for women, segregation and apartheid. Anyone heard of a little oops known as the Crusades? The thing is, we can vilify past and present generations of Christians for their wrongs or recognize that most were and are good and sincerely-motivated people, guided by their commitment to the Christian faith and grounded in their understanding of the Scriptures and sometimes they were simply wrong, individually and corporately. As they are today. Just as committed to their faith and just as likely to come to mistaken conclusions. I say that without judgment but with the understanding that I’m just as human and open to being in error as anyone else.
The message that plays telling you must be wrong because they must be right also disregards that the church (other people) aren’t the only source for guiding us to truth. Yes, we give attention to church tradition, past and present, but we hold it along with consideration of the Scriptures, human reason, and our personal life experience. Residing within evangelical Christianity I wasn’t familiar with John Wesley’s Quadrilateral or utilizing this method to guide my theological reflections. Truth had always been limited to the first, that being what my denomination and church espoused as truth, and while they referenced all they believed as being established in the Scriptures, it was according to their interpretation of the Scriptures. Reason was viewed as a lack of faith and human experience was seen as untrustworthy and corrupted by emotions and human desire. Reconciling my sexuality and faith was the first time I knowingly considered other factors apart from the view of the church and their interpretation of Scripture. It was the first time I paid real attention to my own life experience or brought reason into the discussion. I might have posted this before so stop me if you’ve already heard it but during a seminary discussion on biblical authority, the professor said “If as Christians we’re willing to give our lives to Jesus, why aren’t we willing to give him our mind at the same time?” I love that and give it to you as a freebie. No charge kids.
Ramble, ramble, ramble. What am I trying to say? Just this.
My long answer to this outworn message is that yes, a whole lot of Christians can be wrong about the same thing but regardless of whatever everyone else is saying I can’t build my life on their convictions and expectations. I have to base my life, actions, and words on what is the truest and most real thing I believe in faith.
And my short answer is that of Paul’s in Galatians 1:9-11.
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
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Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Coming Out, Gifted by Otherness, Queering the Bible, Special Series
May 12th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
I feel an enormous amount of relief and grace in the so called “contradictions” in the Bible. The parts of the Bible that are often used against one another to disprove a point or belief. For the longest time I either tried to convince myself that what other people were saying was more true than what I was saying, or visa versa. I am no longer afraid of relativity and multiplicity. I feel I have been freed. I can live by my convictions and let you live by yours.
It doesn’t stop me from working towards justice, disagreeing, and confronting issues nad conflicts. Quite to the contrary. What I am allowed to do is to see a persons face im the midst of a conflict and struggle and realize that everything is more complex than I want it to be. I will see “the others” face, even if that face is staring at me in opposition. I will continue to struggle for justice and mercy in this world as best as I know how. But I will not lose my compassion.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I laughed, I cried, my neck is sore from nodding up and down. What a wonderful post. There are a few things I need to read again and again to figure them out, no not figure them out, but settle them in my own mind. But thank you agin for such a wonderful post.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Jadedjabber–> I really appreciate your comments and couldn’t agree more with what you said. There are certainly those occasions in heated conversation about homosexuality or one of a thousand other faith issues from the frivolous to the foundational, when I find myself getting frustrated, defensive, offended or angry, but when I let go of my need for my right to be the only right I’m able to get to a place of compassion and understanding. The work for me is always about seeing the people behind the conflict. I so loved the way you expressed it all and found great inspiration in it.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Unbelievable Anita.
I have been finding much confirmation through you and your post lately. The timing is incredible. The Lord is showing me a lot in regard to acceptance and the different faces it has.
At times, I put myself through this cycle of crazy thoughts that are usually triggered by timing and someone saying something very negative about me, about homosexuality. When a fellow Christian calls me a wolf dressed in sheeps clothing and I receive that personally, I’m wounded, punched in the gut, down for the count and most of the time, I don’t even realize what has just happened.
This doesn’t happen all the time, in fact it happens less and less than it did a year ago. This time I believe God showed me (again) that this is more about acceptance than anything. I’ve spent much of the day thinking again about this acceptance issue that I’ve acquired prior to coming to terms with who I am.
Then I come read this post and I could relate to so much of what you shared, again-thanks for sharing.
It seems that this acceptance issue is a big part of accepting who I am, ironically.
May 13th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
thank you so much for addressing the “they can’t all be wrong” lie.
May 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I loved your comment, Jaded Jabber.
It is so refreshing to come to the place where we can allow others to be who they feel they are. While listening to others I remind myself how many times I’ve changed sides in lots of subjects. There is a real freedom in letting go of absolutes.
Thanks for keeping the conversation going, Anita.
deb
May 28th, 2008 at 6:22 am
“They can’t all be wrong so you must be wrong.”
I almost gasped when I first read that line because I’ve said it countless times to myself in spite of all the nudges from the Spirit that I was headed in the right direction by beginning to believe that God doesn’t consider homosexuality an abomination.
It was my last barrier, the fact that so many I admired and respected were in disagreement with me. And, if I’m totally honest, I’d have to admit there are still days when I hear the tiny phrase whispered in the back of my mind, but those occurrences are becoming rarer and rarer.
One resource that helped me was the slim volume called Struggling with Scripture, with essays by Walter Brueggemann, William C. Placher, and Brian K. Blount. The Blount essay, in particular, is enlightening and freeing as he talks of the “living” word and a “living” faith.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Devon –> Thanks so much for mentioning the book. I haven’t heard of it before though I love just about anything written by Walter Brueggemann and you have my interest peaked on the Blount essay so I’ll be off to Amazon in a minute for a one-click stop and shop! So glad to hear this little bit of your story and of the direction you’re moving in. Powerful!
May 29th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I think you’ll enjoy it. I pulled it out again yesterday and found notes on biblical interpretation that I had stuck in the text. I smiled to read a passage from the Scots Confession that is actually quite relevant to your entry:
“The interpretation of Scripture, we confess does not belong to any private or public person . . . but pertains to the Spirit of God by whom the Scriptures were written. When controversy arises about the right understanding of any passage or sentence of Scripture, or for the reformation of any abuse within the Kirk of God, we ought not so much to ask what men have said or done before us, as what the Holy Ghost uniformly speaks within the body of Scriptures and what Christ Jesus himself did and commanded. . . . We dare not receive or admit any interpretation which is contrary to any principal point of our faith, or to any other plain text of Scripture, or to the rule of love.” (Ch XVIII 3.18)
In my previous post, I also should have mentioned Jack Rogers’ book Jesus, The Bible, and Homosexuality, which I found enlightening, substantive, and comforting.
May 29th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Devo –> Thumbs up on Roger’s book. I heard him at an event last summer and he couldn’t have been a more genuine and friendly guy. LOVE the quote! Love it! The rule of love in particular because it would seem that any interpretation of Scripture would advance the love of God above all else. Thank you for that quote….I’m gonna use that piece of sweetness in the future!
June 6th, 2008 at 4:39 am
Thank you, Anita, for putting into words what I can’t! You have eloquently expressed just how I’ve been thinking, especially the feeling that ‘they can’t all be wrong… so it must be me’. Yes, I’ve been a people-pleaser all my life. Only now am I beginning to tackle this properly. It’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. Please keep sharing, Anita. You are an inspiration! xxx