I’m Not In Charge of the Guest List

March 29, 2009

This personal story was generously contributed to SisterFriends Together by Sherrill Morris.

When I started seminary in 1989, there were two important things I didn’t know. First, that I was a lesbian, and second, that my denomination would pass a ruling explicitly banning the ordination and licensing of lesbians and gay men in our four-state region. I learned both things by the end of 1990.

For me, coming out was like coming home to myself. It was a joyful celebration of life. I was nestled in a liberal Methodist seminary and surrounded by supportive people who made the celebration a party! Meanwhile in my region of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), anti-gay guns were going full blast. In 1990, conservative churches bussed in voters to our regional assembly to pass an anti-gay ruling. I knew it passed but surrounded by Methodists who loved me and lulled by my coming out euphoria, I didn’t pay too much attention.

In 1992, voters in Colorado passed Amendment 2, effectively repealing local gay rights ordinances that conservatives hadn’t been able to overturn at the local ballot boxes. It went before the U.S. Supreme Court and was overturned but it was a huge wound to the LGBT community. At the seminary we had held a candle light vigil three nights a week in the months leading up to the vote. We had held debates, handed out information, and in general, worked our hearts out for the cause. To sit in a giant auditorium and watch the amendment pass was heartbreaking. I dropped out of seminary, $60,000 in debt and three classes short of graduating.

For a while I left the church until I received a letter inviting me to a potluck attended by all Disciples: women who couldn’t find church positions due to the “good old boy” network in Metro-Denver. Lesbians and other people who were estranged from our church for a variety of reasons came to eat and talk, cry and laugh. It didn’t take long to figure out that we were being church for one another. We formed the first home church in the Central Rocky Mountain Region of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). Fireside Christian Church was Open and Affirming from the start and the first Open and Affirming congregation in the region. I was given the honor of writing the O&A Statement and it truly was an honor.

I worked with Fireside in shared leadership for seven years before a retired pastor handed me a regional newsletter that listed an open position at Boulder First Christian Church as youth director. Boulder First was the second O&A church in the region and I had helped teach the classes that preceded their vote. I was intrigued and so I applied and was hired.

The next year our regional minister was approached by some of us about forming a “Discernment Team” in response to the national denominational call for discernment about the role of Gays and Lesbians in the Church. We formed a team and went about working with the national churches curriculum, in preparation of taking it to local churches for their use. I co-chaired that regional team for seven years, but much to my chagrin, only two churches ever invited us to come speak and then only for an hour at their elder’s retreat. Meanwhile I had worked on and even chaired the regional youth activities committee for three years. (Cynical note…it seems no one cares if you are gay if you will do the work that none of them want to do.)

But I had a busy church life with two churches: I was youth director at Boulder First Christian Sunday mornings and Monday nights and was a member of and sharing leadership in Fireside Christian Church on Sunday afternoons. I was fulfilling my call even if I wasn’t licensed or ordained. My heart was full and my faith walk was dynamic. Well, except for this one little corner of anger.

I had worked through the anger about dropping out of seminary and not being licensed or ordained. I had worked through the anger of the regional vote and the damage it did: to individual ministers who came out and lost their standing, to those who left the region rather than come out, and to those, like myself, who were denied standing from the start. And I truly think I had worked through that anger, which is saying no small thing. But I carried another, secret fury.

As I became more and more involved in regional work for my denomination, I had to work with those churches that had bussed in the voters to pass the resolution. Even worse, I had to work with the pastors who wrote the hateful thing. Even after the region and regional board passed a new design (regional covenant with the churches) which did away with the ban, my secret pain and anger existed, but  I was licensed as a Licensed Professional Minister in April of 2008 in the Disciples church. It was a terrific celebration, some sixteen years later. Both congregations I had worked with celebrated with me! We had a lovely commissioning service and then a dinner party! It was a fantastic moment and one I will never forget.

But the day after as I worked on some regional paperwork, I found that old anger still hiding in a corner of my heart. I sat and prayed and asked to be open to it. What I found was a deep resentment at having to share the table (communion) with churches that I believed were abusing their youth by telling them that LGBT folks are abominations. I knew I had to do it but how could I invite them to the table when they were doing such a hideous and life-threatening thing? How could they abuse their children so?

And then a still small voice spoke directly to my heart. “It’s not your table.” And I felt a weight lifted from me. It wasn’t my table to issue the invitation; it was and is Christ’s table. I am just a guest there as is everyone else. It doesn’t make me happy to work with churches that I believe are practicing child abuse, but it’s not my table to prevent them from attending. I can, with dignity and love, voice my beliefs and still share a common table. Perhaps that will move more hearts than a secret anger ever did.

Today, I am still with Fireside Christian Church as their Educational Coordinator and Liaison to the Region. I am no longer youth director at Boulder First Christian but am working Sunday mornings with a local ELCA Lutheran church, helping them become a Reconciling In Christ congregation, their version of Open and Affirming. It is good to be doing what I am doing and serving Jesus in new and unexpected ways. The secret anger is gone and while I still have an occasional rave about the Rick Warren’s of the world and continue to attend protests at Focus on the Family with SoulForce, it is no longer a resentment that eats me from within. The weekly table is not my responsibility; at least the guest list isn’t. Showing up and celebrating the feast, that’s my job and it will always be.

Posted in Personal Stories