It Takes As Long As It Takes
April 21, 2009
I went over to the city last week and by the city I mean theee city, San Francisco. When you say the city in the Bay area or in Central California for that matter, it’s basically an interchangeable term for San Francisco. No other details needed. And while I’m at it, it would be ever so helpful if you folks would make note of this so I don’t need to go over it again with you in the future. Much appreciated. Thanks.
Okay, so I went over to the city to meet up with Jim, my first boy crush when I was all of sixteen years old. Do you want to know how he made me giddy with puppy love? Oh please. Let me tell you. He chased me screaming like a girl (because I was one) through the dining hall at church camp with a piece of raw chicken skin dangling in his hand that he had convinced me was actually a dead unhatched baby chicken from a freshly cracked egg. I’ve always been a sucker for romance. I was in fact so smitten by his charming ways that a decade later we ventured into the world of dating. Oh wait. Did I mention he’s gay too? Oh please. Stop laughing. It’s not as if we’re the only gay man and woman to delve into that quirky area. Anyway, today we have the kind of friendship that no matter how many months or years pass between sightings it always feels comfortable and easy to be together again. And we laugh. We always laugh.
So for an hour or two the other day we sat on a pier bench in the city (refer to your notes from above) overlooking the Bay sipping on the brewed nectar of some mellow brown beans from Blue Bottle Coffee, and catching up on each others lives with the conversation coming back around time and again to snippets of faith and grace, God and worship.
Jim and I have a long shared history beyond that of the chicken fat episode. We were raised within the same denomination, went to the same church camp every summer, attended the same regional youth gatherings and eventually both found our way to the same Bible College. It was only years later when we were both in the same congregation where I was serving in ministry that we ventured from long time friends into a romantic relationship and then back to friends again, and through most of those years I knew Jim was gay because he’d been honest with me. I also knew Jim’s same-sex attraction had caused him tremendous internal conflict for a number of years and because of the conflict between the reality of his life, the teachings of his church, and his desire to be right before God he made a genuine effort time after time to abandon those attractions. I never really knew the lengths to which Jim went to try and “change”, I only knew he went through more than a few dark nights of the soul, and when I finally saw the conflict he had lived under for so long begin to melt away under an ever-deepening encounter with God’s grace, no one was more happy than me. You see, somewhere in the middle of all those years Jim was struggling to reconcile his faith with his sexuality, I came to the self-awareness of my own sexuality, but unlike Jim it didn’t take years or even months for me to come to peace as a gay Christian. It took a few short weeks and while I rejoiced in the peace of God that came so quickly to me, I ached for the day when Jim would know it too.
And I couldn’t help but wonder given all Jim and I shared in terms of our faith tradition and upbringing why the journey to God’s peace took him years when my own struggle toward reconciliation could be counted in days. All my wondering led me to an all too obvious conclusion; that despite all the similarities in our backgrounds and faith, we both had to arrive at peace in God’s grace in our own way and in our own time. I told you it was nose-on-the-face obvious.
Over the years I’ve extended that same wondering to all those who have written to share their ongoing and seemingly unending struggle to reconcile their faith and sexuality. And now I extend it to include you. Why is it that you continue day after day to remain troubled in your heart over your sexuality? Why do you continue to wander lost in a spiritual desert where you question God’s love for you because you’re attracted to the same sex or because the gender your body reflects doesn’t match the true gender you know that you really are? Why is it that you can’t accept once and for all that your very life, including your sexuality or true gender is a glorious gift designed and crafted by the hand of God? Why can’t you finally recognize that God’s thumbprint is all over you and that the very capacity your heart holds to love another of the same sex springs directly out of the wellspring of God’s love?
Take in whatever you can in what I’m about to say. You don’t continue to struggle because you lack faith. It’s not because you don’t love God enough, fail to trust enough, or haven’t sought God earnestly enough. It’s not because you’re less spiritual than the Christian next to you or that your relationship with God isn’t quite up to par with those who have already reconciled their faith and sexuality. You’re not a slow learner. The reason that you are where you are today in all this is for no other reason than that you can only travel the path that you’re on. You can’t travel mine. You can’t travel hers. Or his. God created you uniquely you. You think differently, feel differently, understand differently than anyone else and so the path you travel will be unique to you. Your journey is your journey alone, and while we don’t get to choose what path to God’s peace our lives will travel, we have the choice of whether we’ll continue to travel down the road or give up. We get to say with determination “I will continue on until I have an answer from God,” or cry out “Uncle!” in resignation and defeat. Oh, the courage, faith, and commitment it takes to continue on a journey when so many obstacles have been laid in the path. You my friend, honor yourself and you honor God with your perseverance. I applaud you as I am humbled by you.
The path to reconcile your faith and sexuality is a hard one and in the most difficult moments it can seem less a path than a ledge that leaves you dangling over an abyss of uncertainty and fear. Just hold on and keep walking. Keep looking ahead because the peace of God is just up there on the horizon and even now the grace of God is coming to meet you where you are. I don’t know how much longer it will take for you to arrive at the place you’ve been earnestly seeking. I only know that it will take as long as it takes and that in God’s time there’s always enough time to get there. And remember, please remember, you aren’t walking alone. God’s Spirit is within you, the Risen Christ walks besides you, and even now there are countless GLBTQ Christians and friends who are praying that you feel their encouragement and support along the way.
May you know the peace of God that surpasses all understanding and may it by God’s grace be sooner than later.
Posted in Storytelling, The Bible and Homosexuality
Sweet Hope Cookies
April 21st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
This was just for me! Thank you dear friend! Greetings from Switzerland and keep the faith! GBY
April 21st, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Judith–>Switzerland?! Ahhhh, one of my people! So glad to have you here Judith and that something in this post was meaningful to you. From one Swiss to another, God’s blessings to you!
April 21st, 2009 at 2:05 pm
AHA! and YAHOO! Easter came again this year with its message of joy and for the 22nd year straight (no pun intended) I didn’t share it with my brothers and sisters. Why? Because it’s not time yet. I know God loves me but I’m not convinced yet, that the folks yet the LGBT-welcoming church in my area know it. Nor am I convinced that they see me as God sees me. So the question of “Why?” is not as relative as the question of “When” which leads me right back to faith, and thus back into the heart of God. Thank you for sharing what wasn’t such an obvious observation with me.
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:29 am
Many thanks for the encouragement! I needed to be reminded that I am not alone in my walk. Thanks for always knowing what to say and when – you have a wonderful gift for chasing words into sentences
God speed!
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:23 am
This article touched me deeply. As a Christian, I have been struggling with this for over 20 years now. Some days it feels like you want to throw in the towel and other days it is the most beautiful part of your life. I have come out to my parents but they do not seem to accept that part of me. They tend to overlook and ignore it. I want so much their acceptance but I still have to live on. My partner and I had a committment ceremony two years ago 4/10/07. We live apart currently due to my employment and being close to my children. Your article hit close because I am always asking God to help me be happy in my own skin no matter what. Thank you for the inspiration.
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Thank you Anita. There are sometimes still shadows of doubt on my reconciliation journey. Most of the time, I am at peace with knowing God not only loves me just as I am, but made me just as I am! Usually the doubts come when an old acquaintance crosses my path (often on FB) and doesn’t believe that my “lifestyle” is OK with God or them. Makes me think of the line from City of Angels: “some things are true whether you believe in them or not.”
Thank you again for being that comforting assuring channel God uses to deliver His peace.
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Anita – It sometimes still surprises me that you were able to accept your orientation as quickly as you did, given the fundamentalist church you were at and the position you were in at your church – but then again maybe it should not surprise me – I was sort of in a similar place. But honestly, it took me probably a couple of months to accept that God created me gay.
Although I know that God is good and God is love and that God loves me, I still ask – what does all of this really mean for me?
I still sometimes have some sadness/anger/self-pity about being gay (I believe this is Satan speaking to me – and I try to always tell him to shut the hell up!) and at other times I’m looking forward to meeting new people and bringing Jesus’ justice to my denomination.
I am still not real clear about what I believe. I know that: I don’t believe that everyone in the world needs to be a Christian and I don’t believe that I need to convert folks to Christianity and I don’t believe that Christ is the only way to God. All of these new beliefs go very much against what I used to believe – so there is some conflict.
Please pray for the reconciliation of my faith to continue on its journey.
It’s called the Christian walk not the cake walk.
Peace to All
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Wow, you have a way with putting into words exactly what I am feeling and going through. You know part of my story already – I realized my sexual orientation about 2 months ago and started coming out just a little over a month ago. I am amazed that I have already come to peace with the knowledge that God created me gay and that He has always loved me. I see God’s hand in everything I am doing and how He has surrounded me with positive supportive people. I echo JRC, I still have sadness, anger and days where I hope I will wake up and find myself saying – what was that? No, I am straight. I think that is normal for the stage I am at? Can someone answer that please?
And then today I got a letter from the friend I first came out to. She told me that she can not affirm my decision, that she believes man and woman were created to be together to reflect the essence of God. That she has not been able to talk to me about this because she seems to be the only friend not on the same page as me. She said she could not speak about it until she took care of her own “junk” and later on in the letter she alludes to her “junk” as not feeling as if she is in the right body. Her resolution is that she can not let her feelings validate her, the truth of the Word is that homosexuality is a sin. And she wants me to listen to her resources so that I too can see this truth. We also grew up in the same church fellowship, though she left years ago for a more grace oriented church. Tonight, I read this and I saw our relationship. I don’t know if she’ll ever come to the point that I have arrived at already. I think so much of it falls to whether or not you believe in nature or nurture. I believe my wonderful Saviour created me gay and He didn’t make a mistake, and He knew what He was doing. Can we both be right?
I love her deeply and my heart just ached for her tonight as she has obviously wrestled with this with a different conclusion. I know I am right where God wants me to be. Thanks for this website, it really ministers to me.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Deborah–> I think we all needed to be reminded that we’re not alone at times. And speaking of a gift for chasing words into sentences, the way you said that is a gift. Chasing words into sentences….I love that!
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Dee–>I’m so glad you found something in this post you connected to and just remember there’s a huge difference between wanting to throw in the towel and throwing in the towel. We all might want to throw it in at times for different reasons but we continue on and in time the days of it being the most beautiful part of your life outweighs the wanting to throw in the towel days rather than the other way around. Hold onto your towel!
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Wendy—> I love that line from City of Angels and it’s so true. There’s often a huge gap of distance between truth and belief and all any of us can is live with as much integrity as possible to what it is we most believe since the truth will never be fully disclosed this side of it all. For me, I choose to believe, am led to believe, have evidence to believe and an inner sense to believe that God loves us all. Period. End of story….or perhaps just the beginning.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:03 pm
JRC–> Welcome to the club. No one is more surprised than me! Wow. You expressed so much and did it so wonderfully. I was nodding in agreement and understanding through every line. I really do “get” the conflict that comes with the questioning of old rock solid teachings. The gay piece just opens our hearts and minds up to other possibilities and perspectives that we would have never dared consider before. My sense for you, as it has been for me, that all that questioning and shifting actually led me to a much stronger and deeply cherished faith than the one that was there before the first question. I will most certainly pray, even as I end this day, that your reconciliation will continue on. The Christian walk is most definitely an adventure when you’re willing to step out of the rut and risk walking near the edge. The view is amazing from there!
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:32 pm
TDK–> Thank you for opening up in your comment and sharing what you did. I’m sure others will connect with your questions and situation.
I don’t know if I’d say it’s normal for everyone but it sure seems understandable. Going through life believing you’re one thing and then realizing and accepting in a relatively short time that you’re something different is more than a little head-spinning. Anytime we go through a big life change or a shifting of our thoughts there’s bound to be doubts and questions or a sense of wanting to run back to what’s familiar and that we know. You’re striking out in new territory in your life and so uncertainty and hesitancy seems natural. Just give yourself some time. You don’t have to arrive anywhere faster than your heart and God’s spirit takes you.
Whew. That’s always a big question especially when we know the other person is just as committed as we are to following God and walking faithfully. But no, I don’t see how two opposing sides on one issue can both be right. This is really along the line of what Wendy said in another comment, that some things are true whether you believe them or not. Truth and belief aren’t the same thing but you don’t shape your life according to what is true. You shape your life according to what you believe to be true. That’s all any of us can do because for the time-being we all see through a glass darkly. The truth hasn’t been fully and absolutely revealed to anyone unless God in all God’s glory has come to them and spoken directly to them. So we seek understanding, we pray for God’s wisdom, direction, and assurance and then we live each day as truthfully and genuinely as we can to what it is we most earnestly believe. That’s what she’s doing. That’s what you’re doing. That can seem muddled and confusing at times but that’s why we waste our lives comparing ourselves to others or battling our beliefs against the beliefs of someone else. Live today based on what you believe to be true and that’s really all you can do until the glass has been removed and we see God face to face. Those are my thoughts anyway. Others might have other insights to share…I hope so
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
For TDK –> Based on Anita’s response to what you wrote, this came to my mind:
You are living your truth; feeling it all the way through you; trusting in God. Your “friend” is merely commenting on her beliefs about your truth. Whilst all our understanding of truth is our belief (see Anita’s glass comment above), I do think that it’s interesting how many of us come understand our truth in who we are because of who God made us to be, yet others try to impose their understanding of their truth onto who we are. So, I agree with Anita that both sides cannot be right. You’re living your truth; she’s commenting on your truth. There is no comparison. Your friend will have to work through her issues and come to her own truth about herself in her own time. You stand strong in who you are! God created you the way God created you, and my prayer for you is you trust your truth in God. Blessings to you always.
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Hi – thanks for everyone’s comments on Anita’s blog topic.
And to TDK on: “I find myself saying – what was that? No, I am straight. I think that is normal for the stage I am at? Can someone answer that please?”
Yup – I went through that stage too. It is normal. I looked back at my life to remember the many people that I was and still am emotionally and physically attracted to – uh, yup, I’m gay!!
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Just a couple of more thoughts for TDK – read Psalm 139 again and again – it really does help
Also – find “backers” in your life (those who will back you up) and be careful around the “stackers” (those who will stack Bible verses against you).
I have not come out to any stackers yet, but I know that it will happen and I know that God will give me the “peace that passes all understanding” when that time comes.
Peace to All
April 25th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Wow, thanks for all the comments. I love the backers and the stackers – I have come out to a few that I thought would be stackers, turns out that they are backers and have been incredible. To JRC – thanks. I just finished my relationship survey in “Reconciling Journey” by Michel Pepper – and yup, it was pretty easy to see that I have always been gay! And my lesson last night was to read Ps. 139. When you read it knowing that God made you gay, it is quite powerful. Thanks Anita and Laura – what you said makes sense and gives me some much needed hope. Anita – you recommended this devotional in an earlier entry and it is amazing. Much recommend it.
April 25th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Hi Anita – I realized that I didn’t thank you for my response to your post – thanks for your affirming words!
“You expressed so much and did it so wonderfully. I was nodding in agreement and understanding through every line. I really do “get” the conflict that comes with the questioning of old rock solid teachings.”
Thanks for all you do Anita – God bless You!
March 14th, 2010 at 10:02 am
Wow! I had no idea there were other people out there with all these same feelings that are running through my head, but mostly my heart. I was raised that homosexualiy is wrong and that you are goin to hell if you are gay. I am 33 years old and came out a year ago. For the most part everyone was supportive, considering their world was just turned upside down. The one that mattered the most, my mom has been awsome through it all. Don’t get me wrong she has cried and denied that her daughter is a lesbian! But now has come to terms with it and just wants me to be happy. I have lost some very close relashionships and that saddens me deeply, but I just think about it this way…it’s their loss! I spent my whole life being someone I was not to please everyone (God, my family, society) but at what cost (ME)! I just came to terms with my sexuality and embraced it! Nothing has change, well I am alot happier, but I am the same person with the same faith. I love God with all my heart and soul and believe that He died for me…so yes I have gone through how can I be a lesbian and a Christian? I am just holding on to my faith and the love I have for my Lord and Savior, thank you Anita for this website I needed to know I was not the only one out there! It’s funny how we are so selfcentered and like to pity ourselves…oh I’m the only one going through something like this…I should have known better! Lol! My heart goes out to everyone out there going through all the heart ache of coming out, just be true to yourself…the rest will follow. And be strong because it’s not going to be easy just hold on to the love and faith you have in God because if you lose that my friend you have lost it all! In God’s love, Yvonne.
March 15th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Yvonne–> Thank you for stepping up and posting your comments. You said so much in your one paragraph that it’s taken me dozens of posts to say. I hope others read these words and are as inspired and touched by them as I was. In fact, because I don’t want others to miss it in the comment section I think I’ll add it to a blog post so it can encourage others.
March 17th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
yes it is true Yvonne – you are not the only one with these feelings. Congrats on coming out. Anita’s blogs and the words of other sisters helped me so much when I came out as a lesbian two years ago. God loves us all and God loves the all in us just how He made us.
November 15th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
i am 57 years old and have never even considered that i may have another side to my feelings for men — those for women. raised Roman Catholic, living in a middle class white neighborhood, dating men and loving it, i don’t understand why so many people just take it for granted that i am a gay woman. i question whether God will be disappointed if i lie with another woman. i question whether i will go to hell, because let’s face it, the Catholic faith upbringing does not mince words about what you will go to hell for, and for all the guilt i have let go of, this is not one of those subjects that i still do not question. i search for someone to talk to, but i only have very few contacts that i can bring this question to and still remain anonymous until this question is settled in my soul. why now? i guess i always thought i was just a country girl. now i question everything about me. well, not everything, because many years in therapy have answered many questions. i could go on for a very long time. and it seems so hard to find out where to look for someone with the same concerns. i am so glad to have found this website. thank you.