It’s Never Too Late for Wholeness
September 1, 2009
When I tried the school cafeteria’s apple crisp for the first time in eighth grade I regretted all the delicious squares of apple crisp I’d given away to my class mates over the years because it had looked too icky to eat. I wished I’d tried the apple crisp sooner.
When I came out as a lesbian at the age of 39 I regretted all the years I’d spent feeling out of place in the world and different from everyone I knew. I wished I’d come out sooner.
When I lost the first 100 pounds of my excess weight at the age of 42 I regretted all the years of humiliation, shame, and discomfort I’d lived through with an overweight and unhealthy body. I wished I’d lost the weight sooner.
When I met and fall in love with D at the age of 43 I regretted we’d not met when we were both younger so that we could have had more years together and perhaps a child or two along the way. I wished I’d found love sooner.
I hear it all the time from others. Regret about lost years. Years lost to living a life that never seemed to fit, lost to a marriage that should have never been, lost to the isolation of the closet, lost to submitting to a God of judgment and condemnation rather than freely loving a God of mercy and grace, lost to fulfilling others expectations rather than living into their true selves. I’ve received more emails than I can count that begin with “I came out as a lesbian…..in my late forties, at the age of 53, at the age of 64, at the age of 68, after 25 years of marriage, after 3 failed marriages, after 36 years spent as a conservative Christian missionary, after being ordained in a denomination that condemns homosexuality,” and hidden somewhere in between the lines of all those emails are waves of sadness and regret that the truth couldn’t have been revealed and lived into sooner.
While I haven’t grieved the years I could have spent between first and seventh grade enjoying the weekly serving of apple crisp served up in the Bridlemile Elementary School cafeteria, I’ve spent time grieving that I didn’t come out sooner, lose the weight sooner, and meet my beloved sooner. I’m sad for the years lost that lacked the depth of joy, contentment, purpose, and love that I now so gratefully enjoy. At the same time I’ve come to accept the truth that I came out, lost the weight, and met my beloved at the exact times that were right for me. Looking back on my life I could never have survived coming out to my family in my youth. Even two years earlier than it happened would have been too soon for me. Though being overweight for so many years came with tremendous physical limitations and emotional misery, I wasn’t ready to commit to the journey that would bring about change until I hit bottom 10 years ago. And though I love to imagine D and I falling in love in our twenties I would never have been ready to love someone so deeply and receive love in return so eagerly had it happened a moment sooner than it did.
Wholeness, in whatever area of our lives we yearn for it, comes into our lives when we’re ready to receive it and for that reason it never comes too late. If you’re 68 and are just coming out then trust that this is the very right moment for you to come out. If you’re just begun a path to transformation in an area of your life then know that now is the time; not three years ago or three years in the future.
I want to encourage you not to tangle your heart in regretting lost years because no years of your life have ever lost to God but those were the very years God was preparing you for this moment of your life, for the grace you’re opening your heart to receive, for the love you’re daring to risk embracing, for the freedom you’re eager to walk into, and for the wholeness you’re at long last ready to fall into. This day isn’t wasted because you aren’t where you think you should be. This time isn’t a time to mark with regret. Every single hour and day and year of your life is filled with possibilities you might not even be able to believe for but that God is working to bring to fulfillment in your life. With every tick of the clock God is bringing you one step closer to living into the fullness of life God has planned for you from the beginning of the ages.
In the meantime and until that time arrives, don’t say no to apple crisp. 
Learn from my mistake.
Click on the image for an apple crisp recipe.
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Posted in Coming Out
Sweet Hope Cookies
September 1st, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Amen to that! “I want to encourage you not to tangle your heart in regretting lost years because no years of your life have ever lost to God but those were the very years God was preparing you for this moment of your life”.
It has taken me a bit of time to realize and accept that my coming out was God’s time for me to come out. I have gotten better about not regretting the “lost” years. God knows what He is doing and He does it much better than I can or than I think I can. Praise be to God.
Thanks for your words once again Anita.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:28 pm
great story i have just come out at 44 came out bout 4 months ago had one date when trying to find out who i was. now i know who i am i am a lesbian and proud of it. my straight best friend of 26 years saya to me on the phone that i sound happer then i have ever been. had my second date this past weekend was the best date i ever had yes and i do regret not coming out sooner been through 2 fail marriages and one but cant live as what if i did this or hat sooner got to live the life that is now and then
September 1st, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I love this.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Melissa –> I’m glad
September 1st, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Well-said, Anita. There is a season for everything… coming out included. And God is always there. Really! Sometimes, it takes awhile, but the promise that is made to be with us until the end of the age is true. Pay attention, trust in God, and do not be afraid.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:55 pm
what a marvelous post!
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Interestingly, I only discovered this week that Americans don’t say apple crumble they say apple crisp. In both dialects its a great desert though!
September 2nd, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Rachel —> Apple crumble sounds so totally British I love it. In fact, I am now and forever abandoning apple crisp for apple crumble….blackberry crumble….cherry crumble.
September 3rd, 2009 at 12:39 am
Right message at exactly the right time! How do you do that? Thanks. I needed the reminder that all of this is in God’s timing and in His plan. Even the same 3 for me – weight loss, coming out, and meeting the love of my life. Hmmmm. Thanks
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:24 am
I’m 55. I was married to a man for 28 years all time I knew I was gay. I always made up reasons to stay married. Now that chapter is over I found the strenght to live as what I was meant to be. I’ve now met a beautiful, 49 year old woman. We were created for a time such as this. Your commentary was just what I needed to hear. Thank you.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:50 am
e2tc –> Aw shucks.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:59 am
TDK–> How do I do it? I have a magic mirror….like the lady on Romper Room…. a reference that will make no sense to anyone under the age of 50.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
love this. reminds me of the bumper sticker (or is it the flaming lips lyrics) “all we have is now”
September 4th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
anita – “marvelous” = right words at the right time, for me personally.
Again, thanks!
January 4th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Thanks for this encouragement, Anita. I’ve only recently stumbled upon your blog, and I am so very thankful that I have. God is faithful and just to supply all our needs in Christ Jesus.
I was 28 before I knew that I was gay. For nearly a year after that, I stuggled to come to terms with a faith that condemned me for who I was. I finally feel like I am in a solid place, sustained in God’s love, even if my loved ones can’t see it.
My question is this… now that I know who I am, I feel almost like it’s lying to the people I love to keep it from them. I am currently about 75% out of the closet. No one at work knows – mostly because it would endanger the anonymity that my ex still wants to keep, and there are a few friends I haven’t told yet – mostly because I’m afraid of how they will react.
Some of my friends say that it’s ok to keep this quiet. That it’s no one’s business. But, I feel fake keeping it from people that I care about. But I also recognize that some of my friends don’t want to know this about me.
I guess I’m wondering what all of you think. To speak, or not to speak?
April 21st, 2010 at 4:32 am
Anita, you write beautifully. God bless you. I recently came out to a couple of family members and friends and I feel so liberated. I fell for someone recently (after a long time) and that person did’nt reciprocate but this painful experience has led me to start acknowledging myself as lesbian and more importantly reconciling my faith with my sexuality.
There is so much more to a person than their sexuality but conservative christianity makes us believe that God determines to love us only if our sexual choices are “correct”. It is so hard to break down this way of thinking and I have days when I struggle with it.
Your message gives me hope that I will also find the partner I so want to live out the rest of my days freely, meaningfully and happily doing the will of God.
May 23rd, 2011 at 4:44 pm
RDM,
Wow! Your comments gave me a “twilight zone” moment. Do-do-do-do, Do-do-do-do.
You pretty much described what has happened to me recently. I came out to one person, sooner than I wanted to, but I was so in love with her, I just had to tell her. Turns out, unbelievably, that she too, is a lesbian. I had NO Clue. Now for the hard part. She doesn’t share the same fellings for me. In fact, she is already in a relationship with another women, that was top secret, and I was unaware of. Anyway, all that to say, I’ve been pretty angry at God. I mean, really , at 53 I finally figure out who I am, and fall in love, only to miss out on the love of my life due to bad timing.?? I am trying to be mature, and salvage the friendship, b/c she is so dear to me. But, the pain is crushing. How to go forward?