Knock Knock Girlfriend
April 13, 2008
Dear Closeted SisterFriend,
You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers in recent days even more so than usual and there are a few things I want to say to you, just between us, SisterFriend to SisterFriend.
I just want to assure you that you’re not under any obligation to come out of the closet until or if the time comes you choose to push the door open. I’ve read the handbook. You know, the bulging gay guidebook with the attached gay agenda addendum. Anyway, I’ve read it cover to cover and while there are certain requirements expected of you as a lesbian such as wearing comfortable shoes (TransSisterFriends being the exception) and knowing the complete discography of Melissa Etheridge, no where does it say you have to come out of the closet.
Because of the things you’ve told me in email I know you struggle sometimes with the idea that staying in the closet compromises your integrity but integrity, courage, or any such noble virtue doesn’t hinge on which side of the closet door you’re standing. That closets even exist says far more about what’s lacking in a world and a church that makes them a preferable option for you as a gay woman than it says about what’s lacking in you. Please put to rest the idea that the closet defines you. It says nothing about who you. You are hidden in Christ and it is Christ who defines you.
As to what other people think, if you feel judged or pressured to come out by others then let that be their issue and not yours because no one can ever say when the time is right for someone else and no one, unless they’ve taken up residence in your skin knows all the complications and considerations of your situation. You might be a pastor in a non-affirming denomination. You might be a GLBTQ youth or young adult who’s still living at home and dependent on your parents for financial support to get your education. You might be a married or divorced mom who dreads a horrible custody battle. You might be one who fears losing your parent’s love or pride in you. You might live somewhere in this country where coming out would mean the loss of your career or put you into an unsafe situation. You might be living in one of the many countries where homosexuality is a criminal offense punishable by imprisonment or a country that looks the other direction when families beat or kill a gay relation. Or you might just be worried and afraid of the thought of how painful the coming out process would be in your life and all the loss and change that might follow. And if you’re the one who’s judging or pressuring you about coming out then here’s my advice which I offer at no charge. Give yourself a break and give yourself credit for doing what you need to do and what you’re able to do at this point in your life.
Queer folk continue to inhabitant closets because at least for a time in our lives the closet serves a useful purpose. For some of us it’s a place to reside while we work on reconciling our faith and sexuality without everyone in our lives having their say about it. For others of us it’s where we make preparations for the time when we’ll come out in the future. And still for others, the closet is a place of necessary protection and self-preservation. You have your reasons for being in the closet and you don’t need to explain or justify them to anyone else.
I was reading the story of Lazarus the other day and how he didn’t come out of the grave until Jesus called him. He was dead in the grave and it just doesn’t get more hopeless or permanent than that and yet when Jesus called “Lazarus, Come Out!” Lazarus knew who was calling him and he responded by stepping out into the light and a whole new life. I choose to believe that’s how it will be for you; that a day will come when you’re ready to step out because you know deep within that Jesus is calling or nudging or whispering for you to “Come out. Now is your time.” Maybe it will be as obvious as circumstances appearing in your life that invite you to open the door. Maybe it will be nothing more than coming to a place in your life when the closet has just stopped working for you; when the pain of remaining inside seems no more painful than what potentially waits for you on the other side of the door.
When that happens then I encourage you, come out. Until that happens, please tread lightly with yourself. You’re a child of God and the reflection of Christ shines on you. You’re the beloved after all. You’re courageous and honorable, a woman of integrity, faithfulness, and virtue. I don’t say those words because they’re a nice thing to say. I say them because every time I read one of your comments or pour over one of your emails or read one of your blogs these are all evident in you, as is your love for God and your desire to be pleasing in God’s sight; which I have on good word you are. Pleasing. Very pleasing indeed. You have God’s word on that.
So from SisterFriend to SisterFriend, I’m honored to know you, to be in your company, and to travel this part of our faith journey side by side, and if you’re up for it and it feels safe enough, slip a little note under the closet door to us every so often.
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Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Coming Out
April 14th, 2008 at 4:58 am
Bless, you Anita, for giving such a powerful image! I may be none too bright, but I never considered the Lazarus story in this light before.
And I think the application is relevant not only to the initial coming out, but also to the daily coming out process. I certainly sense its truth regarding both my having come out (it was only when I had to “choose life” over stagnation and decay), and regarding my (eventual) coming out to my family.
Hmmm. You’ve given me much to ponder.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Anita,
Very true message and very comforting. Last year I was beginning to come out of the closet to my very close friends and God started working on me to be honest with my family. I was very reluctant!!! At sixteen my mom practically disowned me just because she THOUGHT I MIGHT be gay(this was twenty years before realizing I really was Gay)? She took the side of everyone else and left me to defend myself against my friends and my parents. I just knew it would be the same all over again, but…God really would not leave me alone and I knew this was what I had to do. I came out to my close cousins first hoping to get “practice” I guess? Then when the time was right I had a talk with my mom. The night I told her she was stunned but not suprised, and hurt because I had kept it a secret so long, she said she was long past the old things and that we all had moved on and matured. She left that night and I felt free and at peace because I was no longer hiding and I had done what God wanted me to. Then just a few weeks later we met for dinner, things were a little tense but Ok, then out of the blue in the parking lot she laid into me about all the things I had done wrong since I was 16-literally-and how I was a disgrace and it was not normal and I would never be forgivin and I would go to hell…you have heard it all I am sure. That was last year and things are tentative at best, we still see each other and talk once a week but every once in awhile I still have to endure one of these “blow-ups”, there have been 3-4 since. My cousins have taken her side now and are no longer supportive and no longer talk to me unless they have to or need something. I am just perplexed I really believe I was doing what God wanted me to do, things with my mom are worse than they were before, I was hoping honsty would make it better and I was thinking that was why God was leading me down the path he lead me down. What do I do now?
I can’t wait for more of your posts. They give me comfort and a place to go and feel safe and where someone understands-Thank You
April 14th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Bon and Heather –> I wanted to let you both know that in the coming several posts I’m going to be talking more about Lazarus coming from the grave as a parallel to our own coming out, as well as addressing some of what you seem to be experiencing with your mom Heather. I’m so glad you both found something in this post that was meaningful for you, as were your responses in return.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Thank You I will look forward to your coming posts.
April 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I too await the coming posts on Lazarus.
Anita, I’ve kinda been wondering if it is possible to be out of the closet in one sense and yet still have my heart completely in the closet in another sense. Hmm…
April 14th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Joni,
I’m digging into John 11 at this very moment and as to your question, I would imagine anything is possible Joni. Coming out isn’t something we do once and then it’s done but I think we’re coming out continually, not only to other people but to ourselves.
I use to have wild blackberries that grew in my backyard and I remember one day working from early morning until dusk hacking down those wild thorny bushes, pulling up the roots by the handfuls, and carrying it all away. When the day was done I was thrilled with my accomplishment to have finally gotten rid of those gnarly wild bushes and have a cleared patch where I could plant bulbs the following autumn. I was so frustrated when later that same summer the bushes began to appear again, tiny new shoots breaking up through the soil. Likewise we have a lifetime of negative teaching and misconceptions around homosexuality and their roots go down deep, so that even after we’ve reconciled the biblical passages and are at peace, there are going to be little shoots that pop up occasionally that we need to look at and deal with. It’s a long process but that’s all it is…just a process, not a sign that anythings wrong or that we haven’t done all that we could do. It took time for those teachings to take root and it’s going to take time and intention to remove them one by one.
And Joni, anytime we’re within a couple hundred miles of each other, the coffee will be on me. You talk. I’ll sip.
April 14th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Ok, tears… of course as the truth of your words sooth my spirit. Thank you. I needed to shift the focus of my eyes and that was just what I needed. oh dang girl, I do hope that one day that coffee will happen.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Anita,
I love this line: You are hidden in Christ and it is Christ who defines you.
That is so true, and well worth the attention of anyone in the closet, and as well as those of us who have already opened those doors. Keep listening for the call of your shepherd: you’ll know him when you hear him say, “It’s safe to step out into the light!” He won’t lead you astray!
April 14th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Anita,
I am really enjoying this “coming out” series and am taking it personally that you have decided to do a series like this right now. Thank you for the blackberry imagery. It resonates very deeply with me. It seems to be part of the indoctrination package that if there is any kind of struggle involved with the process, that is an idication the we are not “in God’s will”. I recently had a very dear friend email me and say, “you will never find peace so long as you continue pursuing this lifestyle because I believe you are outside God’s will.” My initial reaction was to curl up in a ball and watch movies all evening. Which I did. But one of the movies was “For the Bible Tells Me So”, which was very empowering and confirming. When Desmond Tutu said he could not imagine a God who judged him because he was black, I just cried and cried. I’m on a tangent! Sorry. Anyway, thank you, thank you!
Kimberly
July 1st, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I am Christian, and I have been attracted to several women and perhaps that many men, maybe. I don’t know what I am. I feel lost. I thought when I got saved I would be delivered from this as I was mental illness and cigarrettes. It is confusing and disconcerting to react physically to a girl when there are rarely any men I react to. To be fair there aren’t many women either.
I don’t know how to reconcile what I am feeling and being Christian.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:17 am
Heather–>I’m so glad you stepped forward to share this. It sounds like you’re in a really troubling place that many of us have known intimately and painfully in our own lives at some point too. Heather, I hope you’ll find some comfort and assurance in the words and experiences that are shared here by the other regular readers/contributors to this blog. We can’t give you the answers for your own life but in sharing our own stories perhaps you’ll see something that rings true for you as well. For the time being I’d just encourage you to again reflect on what it means to be a Christian and hold that piece temporarily outside this whole other arena of confusion and uncertainty you’re experiencing. I’ve got to tell you, there’s nothing I read in your words that suggested you aren’t a Christian. We call ourselves Christians, not because of what we do, but because of what God did through Christ. Our sexual orientation has no power to undo what Jesus did on the cross. How meaningless would Jesus’ death have been were it so fragile as to be so easily overridden? It is your faith in Christ that makes you a Christian and that you’re concerned that how you live your life honors Christ speaks volumes of the authenticity of your faith. If you must, question whether homosexuality is sin or not sin, question whether you’re gay or not gay, but I want to encourage you with everything in me to never question whether you are still His or not. In this time of uncertainty let Christ and Christ alone be your assurance. You are held within the love of God, as close to God’s heart as you’ve ever been.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
Heather, I just wanted to add to what Anita has said to you here… you are not alone. God loves you so very much and there is nothing you can do or not do that would make Him love you any less or any more. He embraces you exactly as you are, right where you are.
I’m still journeying with a lot of this myself… please know you are not alone in your questions and doubt. Thanks for posting what you did and I hope you will stay and read and find what so many of us have found in this place… answers, hope and peace.. friends.. truth… and a picture and understanding even more of who God is in our lives.