Lesbian Relationships: Is She the One?

March 10, 2009

Don’t ask me Girlfriend!

Oh, I know you wouldn’t of course, but others have. On more than a few occasions women have provided me with the detailed story of their relationship with another woman and then asked in the closing paragraph, “So what do you think about our chances? Do you think she’s the one for me? ” Even more surprising than the question was the fact that on occasion, I dared to hazard an answer because that’s just how opinionated I could be. I can’t even say I’m any less opinionated now; I’ve just learned the art of keeping my mouth shut on matters of which I have no reasonable knowledge.

There are a slew of experts, amateurs and arrogant smartypants around the internet attempting to offer advice in helping people resolve the question “Is he/she the one?” and most of them answer the question by offering a list of questions to ask yourself about the other woman and your existing relationship. The questions are important to ask but the thing the experts or expert-wannabes often fail to mention is that we need to not only ask ourselves the questions but we need to listen for the truthful answers.

I was in two relationships before I met D. In both cases I asked the right questions but because I was so desperate to move forward into a relationship I answered the questions with the right answers but not the honest ones. I discounted every uneasy feeling in my gut and ignored every red flag flapping in the wind. I wanted a relationship, I wanted it now, and I wanted her (and then her) and so I convinced myself that what I wanted to be true was true even though the Spirit was nudging me and people in my life were cautioning me. The result of my unwillingness to be honest with myself in both cases came at an emotional and spiritual price not only to myself but to the other women involved.

So even as I offer these general questions as suggestions in your own relationship inventory, I offer them with the encouragement to be rigorously honest within yourself and with your partner in the answers you both uncover in prayerfully considering a potential life-long relationship together. There are plenty of other questions but these are just to get you started.

1. Do the two of you share the same or similar long-term goals and values? Are you compatible in the priorities you place around money and how it will be spent? Do you want to be married while she resists ideas of a traditional marriage? Are your faith perspectives compatible?  Are your commitments to church life similar? Diversity is all fine and good in creation but when it comes to relationships compatibility is important in the big areas like money, sex, family, and religion.
2. Is she my best friend? Did you like her before you loved her? Do you enjoy being with her? Do you laugh together? Do you share intimate conversations easily? Is she the person you’d go to when you wanted to share good news or heartache? What are the qualities and characteristics about her you like?
3. Are your differences complementary or combative? Do your personal strengths and weaknesses cause conflict in your relationship or are your differences compatible? Have you been able to work through your differences in a way that brings personal growth to each of you and enhances your relationship?
4. What do others think about the two of you as a couple? What kind of comments are you hearing from people close to you and to her concerning your relationship? Are people supportive or concerned? Have you asked your friends for their honest opinions about your relationship or would you rather not know what they have to say? Why?
5. Are any red flags flying when you think about her or about a future life with her? Is there anything about her that makes you uneasy? Are there any behaviors you notice or unanswered questions you have about her past relationships that concern you? Have there been past incidents or arguments that have left you troubled? Is there anything that causes you to hesitate or wonder?
6. Does she bring out the best in you? Are you a better person having been in a relationship with her? Do you like who you are when you’re with her? Does she encourage and support you toward personal and spiritual growth?
7. Are you content with who she is today? Are there little or big things about her that you hope will change in the future? If nothing about her ever changed could you be happy with her as she is for the rest of your life?  Can you be yourself with her or do you feel like there are things you need to change about yourself to make her more happy?
8. How does she treat other people? How does she treat her family and talk about them when they aren’t around? How does she get along with her friends? How do her friends speak of her? How does she get along with your family and friends (given that you have gay-accepting family and friends)? Do you like who she is with other people as much as who she is when she’s with you? Is she consistent in how she treats people?
9. Do you trust her completely? Are you suspicious about anything regarding her, her actions or her intentions? Do you trust her with your biggest secrets? Do you wonder if she’s told you everything? Do you trust her version of the story? Is she completely trustworthy?
10. What does your gut tell you? Do you feel anxious or uneasy about her or any part of your relationship? Do you ever have a sense that something’s not quite right even though you can’t put your finger on what it is? Is there any hesitation in your heart or do you only experience peace and contentment when you pray about your relationship or dream and make plans for your future life together?

In the early days of my relationship with D everything about her and about us together seemed too good to be true and after the painful mistakes I’d made in my past, I was unsure if I could trust myself to hear, see, and evaluate things honestly. I doubted myself and so a thousand and one times I pleaded with God to break through any denial on my part and reveal anything I needed to see even if it was the very last thing I wanted to see.

As the weeks and months passed the questions revealed answers and each answer rang true in my heart. I liked her before I loved her and had we never moved our relationship forward into a love relationship I would have wanted her to be my one and only BFF. Though I looked under every rock there were no red flags to be seen anywhere and no uneasy feeling in my gut when I woke up with her on my mind at 3 in the morning.  The amazing (healing) thing is that my trust which been betrayed in another relationship was so easy to give away once again to D knowing it was safely held by her. The closer I looked at her life, the more I saw there was nothing about her I wanted to change, nothing I didn’t love, enjoy and admire and the deeper our conversations took us the more it became clear that our commitments, priorities and values in life were the same. Her friends said only wonderful things about her that confirmed what I was discovering myself and all our friends; mine, hers, and ours, loved what they saw in us as a couple. And yes, while we have differences (I’m spontaneous, she deliberates thoughtfully, I’m high energy, she’s a calm presence…) our differences add to the over all health of our relationship and to personal growth in each of us.

I’m more than taking delight here in what I have with D but I want to share a beautiful, hopeful thing with you. Here it is. The answers to all the questions both D and I asked when our relationship was in the early days are still just as true ten years later. That’s because she was and is the one for me and I was and am the one for her. We didn’t have to change the answers to hear what we wanted but in each other we found someone who answered all the questions.

It’s possible you know. You don’t have to settle for someone but can find the one who’s perfect for you and you for them. It’s not that you’re looking for perfection in someone else or that you need to become perfect for them. It’s that when you each ask the questions the answers you find will be ones that confirm beyond any doubt that this is the one God has for you. You won’t have to force the answers or make square pegs fit in round holes to get the picture you want. Just as you kept your heart open to let love in, keep your heart open to recognize the difference between the love God has for you and the one you want to make into the one because you’re tired of waiting. Wait. She’ll be so worth it.

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