Letter to an Ex-Gay Friend

January 1, 2006

Dear Dee,

When I read your letter, I was so happy to know that you have finally found the peace you have been seeking after for so long. It always warms my heart to hear that people have found comfort in the Lord. Then, when I read the part where you quoted 1 Corinthians, I just had to smile to myself because I was touched by your concern for me. But please be assured, my friend, that there is no need to fret over me. You see, Dee, I too have been set free. Allow me here to tell you my amazing story, if you don’t mind.

I grew up with a Catholic background, as you may remember. My mother always taught us about God and Jesus, and I am ever so thankful to God for her tenacity in planting the roots of faith in me. Of course, as a teen I rebelled, as all teens are prone to do, and I tried to find my spirituality in other place, but always, I would come back to my Christian roots. However, when I realized my homosexuality, things got quite a bit more complicated.

I remembered my brother, Jimmy, who was killed at the age of 20, just a few short weeks after my mother threw him out of the house because he was gay, the guilt for which she carried to her grave. I remembered my brother, Tommy, being put into the mental ward at the age of 12, and a priest being called to try and “exorcise” the evil out of him. I remembered my cousin coming from Kentucky with my grandmother, and all the whispers of the adults saying to keep the children away from him. I had been taught from the beginning by my parents, the church, society, and every Bible study group I ever attended, that homosexuality was against God. That it was an abomination, and God has turned His back on homosexuals. But, if they repent, loving and trusting God enough, they would be healed.

After discovering my own sexuality, I was told that I couldn’t be Christian if I was gay. I was told that I didn’t have enough faith and or love God enough (otherwise I would let Him heal me); and that I didn’t want to be healed. All I ever wanted was to seek the Lord and to do His will. I certainly never wanted to do anything to hurt Him. I wanted only to be the best person that God wanted me to be. The lyrics of a song from “Godspell” go as follows: Day by Day, oh Dear Lord, three things I pray; to see Thee more clearly, to love Thee more dearly, to follow Thee more nearly day by day. I love those words. They poetically express my desire for the Lord. That verse has so simply named my quest in this life. But it was becoming more and more apparent that my aim to be a Christian was futile, because no matter what I did, or how much I prayed, or how much love and faith I had, there was still something terribly lacking in me because I was not healed from the wickedness of homosexuality.

For some reason, I just couldn’t make the grade. The guilt and shame was too much for me, so I turned to alcohol and marijuana, trying to relieve the grief in my soul. I became sexually promiscuous with men, trying desperately not to be gay. But through all this hell that I lived in, I still kept hoping against hope that God would somehow help me. I kept seeking and praying, but I was still a homosexual, and I sank deeper and deeper into depression and self-loathing from the shame of it. I was lost and confused. I loved God. I was eager to learn His word and to put it into practice in my daily life the best I knew how. So why could I not be healed?

I met a woman in the mental ward who was psychotic and hated God. I prayed for her everyday for about a year. Through God’s infinite wisdom and mercy, she was healed of her psychosis and became a Christian in a Quaker church in Los Angeles, where she is even to this day. She thanked me for praying for her, and I rejoiced in her healing. But, I could not understand why God would not heal me. Didn’t I love Him enough? Didn’t I have enough faith and trust in Him? Why were my fervent prayers for her, my mother, and countless others granted, but the healing that I so wanted and needed was not? I cried out to the Lord, “Help me God! I don’t understand!” Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I knew that I was headed for another nervous breakdown, and God would have to do something because I could not live with the spiritual grief any longer. I was utterly and soulfully devastated.

A day came when I locked my door and closed up all the windows. I didn’t want the neighbors to hear the inevitable wailing that was to come. I went into the walk-in closet (truly, no irony intended). I closed the door of the closet to further muffle my pain from the neighborhood. I fell face down on the floor and gave it all to God. I prayed and sobbed and confessed and pleaded with all that was in me for Him to heal me. All I ever wanted was to please God. I wanted and needed Him to deliver me from this wickedness before my soul was lost forever. I just could not understand what it was I lacked that kept me from “loving Him enough” or “having enough faith” for Him to deliver me. I will not go into detail as to all the prayers and words I said, but, suffice it to say that my entire being was laid out on the altar before Him, to do with as He willed. This went on for quite some time, until I was emotionally and physically exhausted, and there was nothing left. I stood up, washed my face, and went to bed.

There were no immediate “miracles”, but as the months passed wonderful things began to happen. I was delivered from alcohol and drugs. The wrong language that came out of my mouth was washed away. The inner anger I’d harbored for so long against the world faded. I was being changed. And, through a series of events, God led me to a doctor who gave me sight that I never had before….,and, Dee, that I had never even thought to ask God for. I had always just accepted my blindness as part of my life, and never imagined it could be anything different. But, for some reason, God saw fit to give me sight! More months passed, and many times I asked God why He was doing these things for me. Why He was giving me gifts I didn’t ask for, but the one thing I did ask for was not granted? I was still homosexual, and I didn’t understand.

Then one day, while I was doing housework I heard God’s voice, just as plainly as if He were standing right in front of me. He said, “I don’t have a problem with your sexuality. It is the abuse of sexuality that hurts me.” Well, how can I possibly convey the impact of that moment, of that simple statement? As it says in Scripture, “I will write My laws upon your heart”, and that is exactly what He did in just the blink of an eye! In that very instant I understood! The revelations poured over me. Understanding was a new and loving friend. Suddenly I realized that God made me exactly the way He intended me to be and as the Scriptures mean in the words “I knew you before you were in the womb” (Psalm 139). God made us sexual beings, and sexuality is a beautiful gift from God, whether straight or gay but abusing the gifts that God has given us is where the sin lies. I realized that, yes, I can be a Christian even though I am gay.

I do not worship God with my sexuality. I don’t go to a temple and perform sexual rites in idol worship, as is spoken of in Scripture. I love the Living God, my Heavenly Father who created me for whatever His purpose may be. My sexuality is a gift, and I must guard it as such. I no longer abuse it, deny it, or wish it away. I no longer am ashamed because of it. To do so would indicate that I am not satisfied with what God has done. I am no longer promiscuous. I have been celibate, by choice, for several years now, but I am a celibate homosexual. I will save myself for one life-partner to share my life and my sexuality. And when God decides someday that it is time to send her to me, then I will consider that, too, a gift and a blessing from my Creator. I could just go on and on about this all night. It feels so wonderful to be set free!

So, you really don’t have to worry about me. I am none of those things in 1 Corinthians (6:9-12, 18). I am no longer sexually immoral, and I am not a homosexual “offender”, I am simply homosexual. I’m certainly not a thief or an idolater or any of those other things in that list. At least no more so than every other human on the face of the earth. I am not “carnally minded”, but I am “spiritually minded”. Personally, I like Romans 8:1Romans 8:1
English: American Standard Version (1901) - ASV
8 ¹ There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus.  

. God works through many different avenues, and we all travel a different path to Him. I truly, truly am happy, and rejoice for you, Dee, that you have at last reached the spiritual freedom and peace that you have so longed for. We’ve known each other a long time, and we each know how the other has struggled. I’d like to think our friendship can weather the time and the distance. Our paths may be different, but the result is the same. Spiritual freedom! God has been wonderful to us! Let us rejoice in each other’s happiness, and give thanks to God, and be satisfied with His flawless plan for each of us.

Your Sister in Christ, S.R.

Footnote: The good sight after the surgery only lasted for less than two years. New complications developed however I know the reason God allowed me to see for that time was so that I might get temporary custody of my infant great niece. After awhile, she was returned to her mother, and I was returned to being legally blind. But, I will always remember how wonderful it was to see, and I continue to be so thankful to God for giving me a gift that I never even dreamed of having before. God is Good!

This personal story of faith and reconciliation comes from the archives of www.christianlesbians.com and was originally posted in 2004.

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Posted in Personal Stories