More Than Ourselves Alone
May 4, 2008
Why are you gay?
What’s the first answer that comes to your mind?
- I’m being tested by God to see if I’ll remain obedient and faithful.
- I’m being tempted by the enemy who wants to destroy me.
- I was born with a defect in my personality or a genetic flaw.
- Something happened to me in my childhood.
- I gave into sin because I was spiritually weak.
- I was just born gay.
- I’m not really gay. I only fell in love with a woman.
Depending on where you are in the reconciliation process your answer to the question might be different today than it was last week or last month, and different than it might be a year from now. At some point early on in my own experience I tried them all on for size, sometimes all at once which made for some really crazy and confusing thinking and if these uncertain answers shared any common thread it was this, that the bottom line reason for why I was gay came down to being my fault. It was my choice, my weakness, my genetic makeup, my quirky predisposition, my sin.
In time I came to understand and accept that just as there exists indisputable diversity among our physical bodies, our emotional responses and our intellectual processes, it would then only reason that there are variances in human sexuality and how that sexuality was expressed from person to person. Homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality were then just separate points on the sexuality continuum. Simply put, God could have made all flowers on earth roses, but instead for no reason other than for the sake of beauty and for His enjoyment and glory, God splashed creation with a variety of flowers that number in the millions. And trees and birds and fish and fruit and on and on and on, so that it was no longer such a stretch to see that I was gay for no reason other than God’s an artistic genius and I’m one of God’s one-of-a-kind creations. As you are, perhaps for no more or less reason than for the sake of beauty and for God’s enjoyment and glory. Oh how God enjoys and glories in you!
So then, we’re gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered not by mistake or by sin, but this is who we are because we represent little pieces in the unique diversity of God’s creation, and for a season in my life that was my answer to the question, but I’ve come to another explanation. I want to suggest it goes further that God’s diversity of creation. Much further. And this is what I truly, absolutely, without hesitation or question believe.
I believe we are who we are and that we love who we love, because it’s by God’s design and for God’s purpose we’re the gay and lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people of God. This is our divine calling; a holy vocation. This is the very way in which God wants us to live in the world and engage with the world, to be queer folks living out the Good News of Christ in wholeness and truth.
When we can receive our sexual orientation or gender identity as God’s calling, it changes everything. No longer is this just my burden to carry through my life but this is a gift that’s been entrusted to me, a gift I’m called to share with the world. It’s no longer just about me and oh, how I love everything to be about me. My being gay is for the sake of the Gospel, as is the lovely voice of the gospel singer, the eloquent sermon of the pastor, and for anyone who’s gifted to do anything that brings hope and healing to the world in God’s name.
As GLBTQ Christians we have a unique ministry in the middle. We stand with one foot in the GLBTQ community and the other in the church and by our very lives we say to both that one doesn’t exclude the other. To the GLBTQ community we bring the reality of God’s grace to those who have experienced personally and collectively rejection and abuse in God’s name, and to the church we bring the constant reminder that the Gospel of Jesus, rather than dogma or doctrine, lays at the center of the Christian faith. In our very lives we’ve brought Christian and queer together. We’ve found a way to resolve the conflict, to reconcile these two pieces of our very identity and so if we can bridge that space within our own hearts, we bring hope that the same can unfold among GLBTQ people and the Church. There’s a place for Christ in the GLBTQ community. There’s a place for GLBTQ people in the church. We know this because there’s room in our lives for both to simply be.
I’d like to believe that some of you are on the same page with me and as you read along you’re nodding your head and saying “That’s right Girlfriend. Preach it!” but others I suspect struggle with the idea. You want it desperately to be true but it seems impossible especially when you consider all that you’re facing and all that you’ve lost. If that’s where you’re at I’m going to suggest you take on a little project. Here it is. For the next four days imagine that what I’ve just written is true; that you have the sexual orientation or the gender identity you have because God has given you a special calling and ministry. If four days is too long then just do it for two days. Just two. For the next two days when you pray, thank God for the gift He’s entrusted to your care and ask for guidance in living out your call in the day before you. When you rise from your prayers and move into your day, do so with the confidence and humility that your life is a living epistle read by all of the grace and love and awesome wonder that is God in Christ Jesus. Being queer is your spiritual gift and your ministry to the world. It’s not a mistake. It’s not sin. It’s not temptation or a test. It’s by God’s good pleasure that you are who you are and for the next four days or even only two, walk and talk and pray and breathe and move like it’s absolutely, undeniably, certifiably true. Forget the voices outside or inside your head that tell you you’re gay for other reasons and listen a while to this voice of calling and purpose, and see how it sits inside your heart.
I believe in giving credit where credit is due and for that reason, I want to encourage any of you who haven’t yet read it to consider reading Gifted By Otherness: Gays and Lesbian Christians in the Church., which provides some direction for future posts in this series. Whenever I take something directly from the book, I’ll be sure to note it as such.
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Posted in Gifted by Otherness, Special Series
May 5th, 2008 at 4:05 am
Just sitting here at work, trying to soak in what you’ve just shared. I think I need to read it again and I’ll take your challenge.
Still praying that we’ll have that coffee.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:19 am
I’ll do it
I liked the audio too.
May 5th, 2008 at 4:26 am
I totally agree with the notion of vocation, which I have strong evidence, at least in my own life, to be the case. And the Countryman & Reily book is brilliant and filled with grace. Strong, strong, strong recommendation from me, too.
Now if I could only figure out how God wants me to live each day with this, how to use this to God’s glory, well, that would be a good thing.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Anita, last night I sat in the darkened livingroom listening to you speak and in my mind’s eye I could picture hundreds of women around the globe sitting together, listening, and gathering support and encouragement. Although dial up made it a somewhat long and tedious process, it was well worth it to hear the tone and inflections that helped draw out the points that were so beautifully written.
So when my internal recordings start, I am pushing the pause button and telling them that they have to wait at least four days.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Joni and Briar –> GREAT! Would you please check back in a couple days and let us know what it was like for you? When I was just coming out and stuck in believing God was either disappointed or angry or shocked over my being gay, I had someone in ministry challenge me to imagine for just one week that God was okay with who I was. She said that at the end of the week I could pick up all my baggage again but to just lay it aside for a week. I remember thinking how revolutionary and terrifying that was, as though God would be angry at me for not condemning this thing in me for even seven days. I thought that alone was a reason for hell fire and brimstone and yet I did it for no other reason than I just wanted a break from the agony for a week, knowing at at the end of the time period I’d go back to all the confusion, fear, and shame. Surprisingly though I didn’t. Those few days with the hamster out of the wheel in my head allowed me clear time to pray and think and pray and access the grace of God that my self-judgments have blocked me from receiving. That might have well been a turning point for me. I don’t know if it will be for you but if nothing else, use these next couple days to just be in the world and before God and in your own skin without the baggage you’ve been carrying. Consider it recess
Bon–>I loved reading your comment and had seen you’d recommended “Gifted” on your blog as well! It’s so refreshing to read a book for GBLTQ Christians that doesn’t simply dwell on the clobber passages but deals with the wonderful aspects of being gay and being gay in the church! You’ll particularly notice influences, if not direct quotes, from the book. It was one of those books I read that said so much of what I already believed but hadn’t yet known how to articulate that as I read I just kept muttering “yesyesyesyes”
As to how do we use our being gay for God’s glory, I sure can’t answer that for anyone else. I think for me it’s about doing everything I can to communicate in my life and words that the message of God is about radical and inclusive love, and living our lives as theology rather than apology. I’ll fill that out more a few posts from now.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Hill–> What a great image; when the messages start playing to hit the pause button, especially for those who don’t feel comfortable with pushing the delete button. It’s still there, you can go back to it in a few days, but for now, no thank you very much.
For those times when I make recordings, would it be more helpful if I also made it possible for downloading for those with slower connection speeds? I’m so spoiled by wireless that I forget there are limitations on this kind of thing for others. What would work best for you and others?
May 5th, 2008 at 11:58 am
I don’t mind spending the time to download, but it would be nice if I could save it to the computer so I don’t have to re-download everytime I visit the site. Or maybe a cd, Anita’s greatest hits……lol but I do appreciate the time you took to record and it adds a very special dimension to your words.
May 5th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Hill–> A CD? As long as I don’t promise to sing, eh? There’s no CD in the works however I’m just finishing up getting a “podcast” version of any audio available at both iTunes and PodReady. I just think it will take a day or two for the system to generate the content. Once things are in place I’ll add podcast icons to the blog.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Anita-
Ok, so I read your post last night and decided to take on your challenge. I’ve made a lot of progress in my own journey within the last year, but I still have those moments where I’m all over place with accepting this as a gift from God. Those moments scare me really, because it seems one minute I’m just fine, strong and confident and then the next…….poof, flat on my face, out cold.
Anyway, when I read the part you wrote about “thank God for the gift”, I sat there for a brief moment and thought “she wants me to what?” I’ve never done that.
So, this morning while driving down the highway, here I am, talking to the Lord, hesitating to say it, but I did, I thanked Him for who He made me to be, thanked Him for this call and thanked Him for this “gift”, then I started crying, they were tears of joy and thankfulness. I’m sure I looked kind of funny to others passing me, tears streaming down my face with a big cheesy grin on my face.
I felt like I received something God has just been waiting for me to take. (Sometimes I picture these gifts He has for us on little shelves and He wants us to take them, but for one reason or another, we don’t.)
Today, I had received a pass to freedom, I was free to enjoy all of this, all of it! We have some great changes taking place in our lives right now and sometimes I have a hard time truly enjoying them all for a few reasons, accepting this as a gift being one of those reasons. I felt like I lost a big brick today and I felt like I exhaled a bunch of garbage.
I’m even more hopeful that those down in the dirt moments will continue to fade away.
I don’t mean to sound like an infomercial for your challenge and I’m sorry if I took up so much space sharing (did I break a blogging rule?)
, but I just had to share this.
Thank you Anita for helping us all. I can’t even begin to put in to words how much I appreciate all this. Thank you.
Oh yea, digging the audio too!
May 6th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Stephanie, you described my journey to a T in your first paragraph. WOW!
Today is day one for me of turning off the self talk and loathing and just embracing this and thanking God for this wonderful gift that is me. I laid in bed this morning thanking Him and asking Him to order my steps today and to use all the gifts within me to glorify Himself.
I gotta say, I feel good. And it’s the free pass, Anita. I know that for the rest of the week, I am allowed to enjoy who I am, believe it is 100% okay that I am a lesbian and revel in it and who He has made me. For the rest of the week I get to believe this is true. And that is such a HUGE relief!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I must say, I really enjoyed being able to hear your voice and inflection, etc.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Wish I had done this years ago. But, thank God, now is good too.
thanks for your ministry, Anita.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I know that I have recited about 5 of those 7 “reasons” myself through the years! I have been reading your writings, Anita, off and on since about 2001 when I found your site under a search for “Christian Lesbian.” I was on the “sisterfriends” mailing list for years, and the things you wrote about were a lifeline of hope through darker years of working through the process of reconciling my sexuality with my spirituality. You were often the single voice of encouragement among the din of condemnation and “abomination” proclamations around me. Your writing, it seems to me, has evolved over time along your journey. I, too, have evolved on my journey of letting grace unfold for me, and over me. I am ever more ready to receive these truths and let go of the long programmed “Christian dogma” of my youth. So, I’ll take the two day challenge! We’ll see what happens! Thank you Anita for your gifts through the years.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Joni-knowing that you are feeling all that too makes me smile even bigger!
You go girl!
Anita-again, you rock!
May 6th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Steph–> Oh Steph, I’m nothing less than elated to think you experienced even a minute of freedom and a chance to relish God’s crazy over the top love and acceptance of you. I could hope for nothing more except that one minute will be followed by another minute and then by another until you have a lifetime of freedom from doubt and a lifetime to live into the full and unique calling God has gifted in you. What a pleasure to read Steph. Thank you so much for sharing it…and blog comments are exempt from blog rules
Joni–> Ditto and ditto again to what I just said to Steph. And that coffee date is going to happen…from our mouths to God’s ears, yes? [big grin]
Wendy–> Okay Girl, after checking out your website (as a native Portlander I appreciate it all the more!) I should think you’re up for the expanded, extra-deluxe FOUR day challenge! Just sign up right here on the dotted line …………………….. And I like what you said about my writing evolving. If that’s the case I suspect it’s only a reflection of an evolving faith since there’s just nothing in experiencing God’s love and grace that lets us tread water….it just pushes us along little by little to new places. Ain’t it grand?
Steph again–> I don’t know if I rock but I sure can polka with the best of them.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:24 am
God’s ears sure are hearing a lot from me about that coffee
Day two of the challenge for me. So much happening and some that I cannot even find words to express it properly. I blogged a wee bit about it just now. Right now I just want to go home and lay on my face before God and just weep. I feel overcome with emotion and all that He is stirring within me.
Oh that He would increase and I would decrease. That again I would hear His voice over my own!!!
May 7th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Anita, OK! I am now up for the 4 day challenge! Get this, last night right before I turn in, my pastor calls me. This pastor has been the interim pastor at my church for about 10 months. He is shepherding the “call committee” through the process of choosing the new full time pastor. So, he called me to ask my advise as to how to broach the subject of inclusion of homosexuals in our church with the call committee and with the congregation as a whole (apparently there are those on the call committee who want to choose a very fundamental conservative pastor who would not espouse such inclusion). Now, I have not discussed per say my sexual orientation with this pastor at any point, but I guess coming to church with my partner just may do that for me.
So, I shared my heart with the pastor, and it resonated with what he already felt very burdened to share with the committee and the whole church. And when I got off the phone, I had a whole NEW perspective… because of the “challenge” I had accepted earlier that day. I DID thank God for this special gift, calling and ministry. I am still sort of in amazement… 
May 7th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Day three-Overwhelmed!
May 7th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Anita, Today I read and listened, just read, and just listened to this entry. What a blessing it has been for me. Day 1 of the challenge was easy, like a mini vacation of sorts, but Day 2 was a bit harder. I have come to the place where I accept who I am and I know God loves me, but the idea that it is a calling? That is leaving me with more questions. Not a bad thing, but a surprise.
But the one thing that has been abundantly clear, is that God loves me and accepts me for who I am. That in itself is a great gift. So I am going to continue the challenge, I am learning so much. Oh by the way, I added a delete button for when the old messages start. But I have found that I have so many copies of the old messages, it will take me a while to delete them all.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:49 am
I notice all the replies have been from women. I think the points made apply to men, as well. Thanks
May 8th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
[...] as opposed to homosexuality (or bisexuality, or transgendered-ness) itself. By contrast, in a very thought-provoking post, Anita Cadonau-Huseby makes a powerful case for considering that a person’s homosexuality (or [...]
May 8th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Raymond–> I would imagine because the name of the site is SisterFriends, and I tend to speak from the standpoint of women, since that’s what I am and it’s what I know, I certainly hope that if I say anything here that might be an encouragement or help to someone else, that it wouldn’t be limited in its reach to one gender or one sexual orientation. While there are particularities between gay men and lesbians, and between GLBTQ and straight folks, at baseline we share the commonality of our humanity. So thanks for getting around the name of the site to stop by and taking the time to add a comment. It would be great to have you come back around Raymond!
May 12th, 2008 at 11:30 am
[...] To read a related post see
http://wvhillcountry.wordpress.com/2008/05/12/why-am-i-gay/ [...]
May 12th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Sorry Anita, I am not sure why that showed up as a post. Maybe that is what happens when I link to a specific post. Sorry for the clutter in an otherwise beautiful stream of comments.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Hill–> Don’t give it another thought! Actually, I just edited it so that the link takes people directly to the related article on your site!
June 8th, 2008 at 2:01 am
[...] as opposed to homosexuality (or bisexuality, or transgendered-ness) itself. By contrast, in a very thought-provoking post, Anita Cadonau-Huseby makes a powerful case for considering that a person’s homosexuality (or [...]
August 28th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
[...] of my own sexual preference. she also referred me to sisterfriends-together.org, to a post titled “More Than Ourselves Alone”. it is really insightful! for example, i have NEVER once thought that my homosexuality is a gift, a [...]