My Little Gay Obsession
August 28, 2009
The other day I had an appointment with an occupational therapist to go over guidelines and suggestions for my post-surgical care as well as preparing me for the final surgery that will be coming up in a few weeks. After a hand-shake and introductions our conversation went something like this:
OT: “So it’s been three weeks and one day since your surgery….”
Me: “Wow, how nice to know someone else is as obsessed with my surgery as I am!”
OT: “Oh yes, your surgery is all we talk about around the office. After all, what else is
………..there?”
Despite the playful banter, there’s truth in what I said to her. I’ve been obsessed. From the minute the date was set on the calendar all I could think about was my surgery. I researched the internet for every little detail on the procedure. I spent hours watching similar surgeries being performed on The Discovery Channel with my hands in front of my eyes to avoid viewing the more gory aspects of having massive chunks of fat and skin removed with a knife and then plopped in a bucket. I stood in front of our full length bedroom mirror and wondered what I’d look like after my surgery. It’s no better now that my surgery is a thing of the past. This one thing is foremost in my mind and even when I need to focus on other things I struggle to do so for any length of time. I was in the middle of reading a couple great books before my surgery that I can’t get my head and heart back into. I’m lost to come up with anything to blog about that’s not surgery-related (as witnessed by this post,) and every conversation D and I get into ultimately leads back to my surgery. In a way I suspect it’s understandable that it continues to have so much of my attention given all the reminders that linger from the surgery; the discomfort I experience when I move a certain way, the undergarment compression suit I wear 24/7, the itching from the incision scars healing on my body, and obviously the physical changes to my body that I’m still trying to take in during my daily spin before the mirror. I’m tired of being obsessed with this one thing and I’m sure everyone else is too, from my beloved wife to my Facebook friends to you.
This place where I am today following my surgery reminds me of an earlier day when I was at the beginning of coming to terms with my sexual orientation. When I was first coming out to myself and then to others I thought about little else but being gay. I woke up every morning to thoughts about my sexual orientation and that one thought never left me until I fell asleep at night. I continued to function in the world. I did my work, spent time with my family, and ran my errands but through it all my sexual orientation was playing in the background. I spent hours on the internet searching for anything I could find on being gay and being Christian. I went to bookstores and poured over the gay and lesbian section, or to be more accurate I should say I poured over the books in the gay and lesbian section over on the floor of the home and garden section where I had carried them to avoid being spotted and identified in front of such a scandalous section of reading material. Driving to appointments or on errands I’d have imaginary conversations with family and friends in my car that always began with the words “I have something I need to tell you.” When I was leading a Sunday School teacher’s meeting or sitting in church I was thinking what it would be like if the person in front of me knew I was gay. How would they react? What would they say? Would they still love me? No matter what I did or where I went I could think of nothing else other than my sexual orientation and it got no better after I had come out to the world and in a way it’s about as understandable as my surgery obsession since there were constant reminders. Everyday there was something that brought my little gay obsession back up again in my mind. I’d pick up the paper and read a news story about a lesbian couple murdered in Southern Oregon. I’d turn on the television and be assaulted by the latest diatribe on the sin of homosexuality by a tele-evangelist. The silence from friends was a reminder. The pained and troubled expression on my sweet father’s face was a reminder. The search for a new church that would welcome me was a reminder. Even when I didn’t want to think about being gay, even when it got old and I just wanted to get back to life as normal, there was something or someone who was there to remind me of it all over again. Eventually though, after all the interior reconciling with myself and with God, after all the coming out and the fall out that ensued, after listening to Melissa Etheridge sing “Yes, I Am” until my ears bled, life settled back to normal. A new normal that included the integration of my sexual orientation into every other aspect of who I am and all the changes that the awareness, acceptance, and pronouncement of my sexual orientation had brought to my life.
Later on in my conversation with the occupational therapist I related how I was getting frustrated with being so obsessed with my surgery and she responded by telling me that what what I’d been through was no small thing and she wasn’t at all surprised that I was finding it difficult to read a book or focus on writing. She explained that it was a common post-surgical experience to not be able to concentrate on other things but she assured me it would all balance out in time and I believe her. I just need time to integrate the experience of my surgery and the changes that came with it into my life.
Trust that life always comes back into balance, but until it does be patient with yourself and with the journey you’re on. Life will return to normal. A new normal. A normal of wholeness birthed by your courage and integrity and God’s grace and faithfulness.
Posted in Coming Out
August 28th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Hi Anita – as always – thanks for your words. I’m sure you know this – you’re not alone – I’m pretty sure that most of can testify that when were coming out, it was all we could think about. I know it was very true for me. I thought it was a little wierd that it was all I was thinking about, but I realize as you said “what I’d been through was no small thing”. And it is true, since coming out (and still coming out) my life has sort of a new normal.
Peace to all Sisters
August 28th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Ah yes. I can really relate to that all too well. All I can think about right now is of my orientation and going to college. I only just came out to a select few of my friends this May. As predicted none of them minded in the slightest, but I’m getting subtle hints that they’re tiring of my obsession with being gay and coming out to my parents. I’m truly looking forward to that new normal very much indeed.
I’ll make sure to keep you in my prayers. Feel better soon!
August 29th, 2009 at 2:29 am
yep,
and again you have my full attention.
I’m in surgery right now… all the ‘I’m actually not’ needs to go and I truly wanna be me. For me, my girlfriend and the rest of the world.
Everywhere I go or am… is it @ work (dutch evangelical broadcasting company), at church, at home or around family or friends… I think about and am being confronted with the fact that way I was ‘build’ is not normal.
When coming out (even for the most part to myself) I came out w/ a girlfriend. Think that made it all the way more hard for people to understand.
Ofcourse… they couldn’t come 2 me w/ suggestions of healing ministries or anything… and I think that made it harder for them to come 2 terms w/ the fact that a) Esther is a lesbian (or choosing to live a lesbian lifestyle as they like 2 call it) and b) Esther & Esther are an item.
Well, Esther & Esther were both ‘in front’ in church both active in worship and children’s work… and are now fired and jobless.
So we don’t (completely) feel @ home in church, at work, in our families and even (speaking for myself) at home and within myself.
All of that to say we/I am not yet at the point that I can see the turning point. Actually I have a very strong urge to rip off the remaining parts of the wound… to get angry and fight… but ofcourse mainly to cry over all that has happened and all the things I need to let go of.
like I am.
August 29th, 2009 at 7:13 am
What a great message. I for one want you to know that news of your surgery and recovery are very welcome and never grow old. The changes in your life are amazing and wonderful, and they inspire me to keep going and never give up.
It has been 7 months since I woke up and realized I was gay. I remember it being the only thing I could think of, until I thought I would burst if I didn’t tell someone. I have lost one friend. But, so many others have affirmed, loved and accepted. I still have to find a more accepting church, but even that is starting to feel better. My parents know, I just came out to my son, and I am starting to feel so much like life is indeed returning to normal. Still – I met someone. I love her, and now that I am in love, I realize how many people I want to share that with, but who don’t know I am gay. So, in many ways, the obsession continues.
I long for the day when I am completely free, open and living my life with a beautiful wife. For now, still one day at a time…. but much better than 7 months ago when every day started and ended with tears and pleas for God to take this away. Thanks Anita for openly sharing your life with us!
September 1st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Anita,
I am so thankful that over the last 8+ years I’ve been a member, you have shared so much. Most recently I’m so glad that you shared about your weightloss and surgery.
There are more of us out here than you realize who have been trying to lose and keep off that first 100 pounds. I am on the second hundred now and know that when I reach that goal, I will have lost almost 200 pounds. I’m 57 now and have been overweight for most of my life. It is in my genes from my father’s side and it’s difficult. I have a number of health problems, some caused from the weight. I believe that when I reach my goal and if my age fits in the guidelines, I will possibly be facing this kind of surgery. Our skin doesn’t necessarily shrink when we get older, much less when we lose this much weight.
So please share all you are comfortable sharing, with us. I’m sure there are others out there who appreciate it as much as I do.
And please keep us updated as to when your next surgery is scheduled and how you are doing during recovery. As always you and D are in our prayers daily.
Blessings and peace to you and D as well as a huge thank you to D for taking care of you during your recovery time.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:05 pm
jrc–> I’ve come to believe that one of the most reassuring things for anyone to know is that while their situation might be unique, others have lived through and are living through similar experiences with similar thoughts and feelings. It’s always nice to know you’re not the only one in the boat
September 1st, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Andrew–> My own experience was similar in that I had a few friends who had been safe for me while coming out and so when I was with them I felt free to talk about being gay rather endlessly. We could be talking about the weather and somehow I could manage to drift the conversation to me being gay. Still not sure how I did that. Suffice it to say, after a while I began to have the same feeling that they were being kind but growing a little tired of my own gay obsession. The only thing is, when we’ve held onto something in secret for a long time, it’s as though it’s built a reservoir within us and once the dam breaks it takes time for everything to spill out. I think that’s why it’s good that you can talk about it here and perhaps in other online communities too like Gay Christian Network so that your friends at home don’t take the full brunt of your need, an understandable and healthy one, to talk about it.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Esther —> There’s no question that you’ve been through some significant hurt with being fired from ministry and dealing with other people’s reactions to you. That you would go through a time of grieving and feelings of anger is such a normal response and a healthy one when having faced a loss such as you did. While you might not yet see the turning point Esther it seems in all you wrote that you’ve already been in the midst of a wide slow turn; perhaps so wide and slow that it’s difficult for you to even notice but like a giant ship I suspect you might look back in time to these days and see how yes, this was the time when you began to turn just a few degrees that eventually led you to that wonderful place you will one day be. I pray all the best for you and Esther, that you both might move in the freedom to fully live out your lives and your relationship in openness and without questioning that you are on the path God has for you. I would also encourage you, if one is available, to look spending some time with a trained therapist. I think you might find it to be really helpful in light of all you’ve been through and as continue to move forward. Blessings, Anita
September 1st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
TDK –> Thank you so much for being open to my sharing these recent days and experiences in my life with everyone. One of the benefits of being “obsessed” with it at this time is that I’ve seen so many ways in which my weight-loss / surgery journey has been like a living analogy of what the coming out journey is like, and it’s driven many of those observations down even deeper within me. If something from this flesh and blood experience has inspired anyone then that only makes any discomfort all the more worth it on my end. It’s so inspiring to read of your process in coming out and of course, entering into a relationship with another woman will most definitely take it into a whole other realm! I think what you’ll find as the years move along is that as gay people our lives are a continual process of coming out to others. Were our skin purple it would be understood but as it is each new person in our life requires that in time we speak what is true of ourselves and with each coming out we risk rejection but we also open ourselves to having the circle of love widen around us. In my heart, that seems a risk worth taking every time. As to sharing my life, it’s my privilege and it’s also a matter of doing nothing more than paying it forward since so many people have shared their lives openly with me. Blessings, Anita
September 1st, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Bev–> I think you’re right, that there are many who understand my story because in part it’s theirs too. While I will most likely refer to my surgeries here as they lead me to speak about other things, I will share more of the details and day to day matters over on my personal website at anitasblog.com. I’ve been slow in blogging over there in recent days while I wait for my web designer to get the new site in place. I spoke with her today and she believes it will be ready during the early part of next week and once it’s up I’ll be focusing my posts over there on a whole bunch of things of interest to me…..weight loss, reconstructive surgery and healing, health, fitness, recipes, photography, travel, living in the Bay Area, etc. I’m getting pretty excited to get things moving over there and will be letting everyone know when it becomes active.
Your own weight loss is truly inspiring Bev, especially in light of the health issues that must increase the difficulty and yet at the same time give you added motivation to get as healthy as you can. Congratulations on what you’ve already accomplished and hurray for where you’re headed!
And…no….our skin at our age seldom shrinks back. For three years I’ve been working out at the gym three days a week with that the specific goal in mind of tightening the lose areas only to hear from my physician as well as the plastic surgeon that after so much excess weight for so long and at my age, my skin has essentially lost its elasticity and the only way to lose it was to have it removed.
Anyway Bev, you know me well enough to know that if I think sharing details will help or connect with others then I’ll do it and at the same time, if there’s something I don’t mention and you have questions, be sure to ask them over on the other blog in the comments and I’ll answer them as best I’m able.
Blessings,
Anita
September 1st, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I can definitely relate to this. I’m still in the closet, and its something that I think about every day from the minute I get up to the minute I fall asleep. I also was in a car accident in April (drunk driver hit me twice and totaled my car) and found out last week that I might be needing knee surgery which is also something that I cant get off of my mind. I know that in time things will work themselves out but the in between part really sucks.
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:56 am
Mask –> There are always events, people, and situations, both painful and joyful, that take their turn at being foremost in our mind and priorities but the cycle of life is such that everything ends up fading to a lesser position at some point and is usually replaced by the next BIG thing. Boy, the inbetween place is absolutely the hardest place to be but as you said, things will work out. It’s just holding on until they do. Though I don’t know you, I just want you to know in reading your comment how incredibly grateful I am that in light of what happened to you, you not only survived but didn’t incur more extensive injuries…though I would imagine the emotional toil of living through something like that must be more than enough to deal with. Blessings, Anita
September 4th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
the part about being gay obsessed – so true! It’s amazing to feel like I have this kindred spirit on the other end of an internet connection.
Guess we’re all a lot more similar than we think!
September 5th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Beautiful.
September 5th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Catherine—> One of the most wonderful parts of sharing our stories and thoughts online is that we end up finding how common our experiences are and that we aren’t alone in what we’re feeling or thinking.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
I can relate to a lot of what you said here. Check out my blog sometime, I would love comments if you have any
droppingfigleaves.wordpress.com
~Ali
December 29th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Hi Anita, I have been lurking on this site for months but I feel compelled to respond to this since its exactly where I am right now. I suppose I would have to label myself as bisexual if labels are required since I have been with and been attracted to men. However I would say that I lean toward the lesbian side because those relationships never fulfilled me and I have come to realize that the reason for that is that I am more suited emotionally to love another woman. That longing has many manifestations, physical and emotional that I have suppressed since I was 10 and first realized what was “wrong” with me. I just came out to my parents and my dad, who is also gay or bisexual or whatever, has been great. My mom is trying but its hard since she has always understood me and now its like I’m from another planet or something. There are others I will never tell and would be disowned by if I did. My problem right now is that this is all I can think about. Its gay this and lesbian that all day every day and its getting old. Its this intense desire to belong I guess and since I’ve always felt so different I’m trying to find my niche where I can fit in. I have enjoyed reading your posts and I hope to one day have what you have with D. I feel so lonely and for so long I have been ashamed of myself and who I am and it has kept me from experiencing God’s love. You have helped me begin to realize that I am loved the way I am but I have a long way to go. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.
Debbie
December 30th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Deb–>I’m so glad you stepped forward to let your presence be known! Thank you for sharing a glimpse into what’s been going on for you. It really is okay you know, to be focused on this one area of your life right now. It’s only natural for any of us (people in general) to become a little obsessive when something in our life demands our attention. Ever try to concentrate on what someone is saying after you’ve just whacked your funny bone? Anyway, I totally get the feeling that it’s “growing old” even for you but maybe the attention needs to be here right now because it’s making up for the years you might have forced any thoughts of it into the background. This is just a time of balancing things out and it will pass so that you can take in all of life instead of having it all filter through one lens, that being your sexual orientation by whatever label feels more comfortable to you. I’m sorry for your loneliness Deb and hope as you move into this year you gather a wider circle of support and friendship and in time meet someone to share your life and love with. As the saying goes, if it happened for me, there’s no reason it can’t happen for you too. Just keep your heart and eyes open and continue to work on developing your own sense of self-worth in who you are and in who God has made you to be and all the rest will come to past in God’s time….which is usually much better timing than our own
As the New Year ushers in tomorrow Debbie, your name will be one of those I mention in prayer. Blessings, Anita