[Note to Self] Lighten Up Already!
March 10, 2008
There are approximately a gazillion blogs I stalk frequently visit. One of them is *! [emphatic asterisk]. Another is Suddenly Christian. So, the other day I had retreated to my secret undisclosed location, a.k.a. Starbucks, to write a blog entry; the second half on wrestling with God. I felt stuck in a writer’s block kind of way and so did what I always do in such times. I went blog browsing, hopping right over to *! where I feasted on a Shush trifecta. Fueled by the stimulating content of her posts and a quad shot of espresso I knocked out a couple comments, the words of which came quick and easy and if I do say so myself and I will because I can, they were funny. Okay. Mildly entertaining. You can at least give me that! I was pretty and witty and gay, oh so gay, and so delighted with my own silly self that I laughed out loud which I realize can be interpreted as somewhat disturbing behavior sitting at a table in Starbucks. Alone.
When I was done, I back stepped my browser to the draft I’d been laboring over for a couple days, held my fingers to the computer keyboard and . . . nothing. I was stuck again and all the while my fingers were hovering motionless over the keys my mind was racing. Must. Write. Something. Meaningful. Jacob. God. Struggle. Wrestle. Must. Blog. Now. It was crazy and frustrating and maddening. Only minutes before the words had been flying out of my fingertips over at *! and now I was here trying to squeeze words out of my head with as much success as if I were trying to squeeze lime juice out of a slap of granite.
That’s when God told me to lighten up. God is a baritone for those who haven’t heard. Anyway, I’ve been trying too hard to write the right thing and say the right stuff when really, the only thing I have to offer to those struggling to reconcile their faith and sexuality is me. Here’s my life. I’m Christian, I’m lesbian, and I’m at total peace in who I am and in my relationship with God. I never question God’s love for me. I never doubt this is exactly the life God intended for me. It was a long way to get here because I started where you started and I never thought it would be possible but I’m telling you, it is possible because I’m no exception. God is crazy in love with you and totally committed to seeing you through, just as God did for me.
And for those who consider gay Christians somewhere on the scales between an odd little enigma and a deplorable abomination then again, here I am and me is all I have up my sleeve. This is my name. This is my face. This is my life. Hang around for a while and you might discover that you and I actually aren’t so different after all; that gay people, or at least this one in particular which happens to be the only one I can speak for are extraordinary in their ordinariness just like you. That’s because we have the human thing in common. Yes. We’re human just like you. Stay tuned. More shocking revelations to be revealed in future entries. And the sons and daughters of God thing. Oh yes, there’s that too. Whether you can put your mind around this or not, for better or worse, we’re family, you and I. Which leads me to ask, did you skip my birthday yet again because you didn’t know what I wanted or simply because you forgot? Gift cards are always appreciated. December 15.
So all this to say, I’m making a shift. I’m going to talk like me. Anita. Are you ready?
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Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Personal Stories, SisterFriends
March 10th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I admire your ability to be so sure in who you are and where you are going. Sometimes I need to hear the stories of struggle but tonight I needed to hear the story of acceptance. Thank you for this site and all of your comments. It is good to know that I will leave “this valley” of questioning someday an have the chance at being so secure in who I am and my relationship with God. Thanks again
March 11th, 2008 at 6:26 am
Thanks for the shout-out!
You don’t have to be clever or well thought or write beautiful prose. You inspire by being yourself, by being contended in God’s love for you, by caring for others. Your sincerity means a great deal more than your intelligence. (And you ARE intelligent!)
March 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
VW –> I really hope the same for you too but the thing is it’s really not about my ability that made where I stand today possible. I was simply a sponge all the years I spent in church and church camp and Sunday School and I totally bought into everything I was taught all those years. Some of it I’ve put away. Some has been transformed. And other stuff, the essential stuff that God loves me, that Christ is sufficient for me, that the Spirit of God resides in me, these things are unshakable. I bought them hook line and sinker and have experienced them to be true throughout my life. That you’re struggling through this valley says so much about how much you care and desire to do the right thing before God and I hope you can see your courage and integrity in taking this on. I don’t have a doubt that God sees it all and is moved by your heart and intention.
Shush –> I shout out what’s worthy of being shouted-out! And for all the rest….back at you!