Null and Void No More
September 20, 2008
Long before Ray Boltz there was Marsha Stevens. Many of you know the story. Marsha played a significant role in the early days of contemporary Christian music. She was a member of the Christian group Children of the Day and wrote the song, For Those Tears I Died. As the story goes, after coming out as a lesbian Marsha received several packages and envelopes in the mail stuffed with copies For Those Tears I Died from congregations, who in their righteous zeal had torn the song from their praise songbooks and hymnals to illustrate their disapproval of Marsha’s sexual orientation. This was their way (Christ’s way?) to tell Marsha her song was no longer received by them; that her sin made her ministry of no account. What they never seemed to consider was that on the opposite side of those torn pages were other songs of praise and hymns of the church; Amazing Grace, The Old Rugged Cross, Blessed Assurance. Since hearing that story a few years ago during one of Marsha’s concerts, I’ve found myself wondering what it looked like when the church gathered together to rip her song out of their books. Did they ever consider that in the process of making their point they were discarding Amazing Grace at the same time. I wonder about this both literally and metaphorically. Did they know? Did they care?
You don’t have to be gay to have the church world turn on you. It’s enough to openly receive gay and lesbian Christians as your brothers and sisters in Christ. Just be a voice of compassion, hint at inclusion, or extend the grace of God without judgment and watch the fall out. Ask the gospel singer Cynthia Clawson or the Christian writer Brennan Manning. And it’s not just being queer or advocating for inclusion of queers that earns the ire and ridicule of the conservative evangelical wing of the church. Get a divorce. Have an abortion. Be pro-choice or a political pacifist or a religious pluralist. Ask too many questions. Question too many answers. Disagree with anything the church teaches. Refuse to put fried onions on the green bean casserole for the church potluck. There’s really no end.
There was a time I believed the church held the promise and possibility to one day fully embody the love and grace of Christ. I no longer do. Too many unholy glimpses and mean-spirited encounters with the institutional church have left me disillusioned with her. Maybe that’s a good thing because no longer am I putting my hope in the church as the future embodiment of God in this world but instead I believe the world’s best chance for seeing the visible presence of God’s love on this earth will be in each of us today; one faithful heart, one compassionate life, one witness of grace. Upon another. Upon another. The church is going to do what the church is going to do, but still I wish. I wish that no one in the church would ever know what it is to be rejected by the church (but they will); to one day go from being a member of the family to being made an outcast of the church and an enemy of God on the next. I wish the church could put aside all rumors and whispers, all judgment and finger-pointing (but they won’t) and replace it by giving our brothers and sisters the benefit of the doubt that their hearts and intentions are good, and then trusting that God is big enough and powerful enough and involved enough in each of our lives to work in us, convict us, challenge us, and transform us as God sees fit. The facts as I know them are this; no one will encounter grace by being ostracized by the church, no one will be won back to the fold by a shift kick to their backside, and repentance isn’t birthed from rejection no matter how hard you try to convince yourself. All a person will know is betrayal, rejection, and a spiritual wounding that can only be known by others who have experienced the same in their own life.
So the church, at least the evangelical conservative end of it looks to people like Marsha Stevens and Ray Boltz and says with hands either wringing in grief or clenched in anger, “You were one of us but no more. The ministry you had is no longer welcomed here, and more than that, all that you have done up to now is made of no account because of who you now say that you are. We’ll welcome you if you come back, we’ll receive your ministry once again, but only if you return to believing as we believe and living a life we can accept.”
What they seem to forget in the rush to distance those who’ve fallen out of favor is that in rejecting the servant, they’ve rejected the Master. You see, as I understand it, ministry belongs to God and those who minister are the servants called to do the work of the Lord upon the earth. We’re cracked and flawed, lopsided and chipped vessels of the Potter yet each have been crafted with the talents and heart to do the work to which we’ve been called. The Gospel singer sings, the writer puts words on paper, the artist paints the canvas, the teacher leads the children, a pastor shepherds the sheep. And in the midst of all this ministry the brokenhearted are comforted, the captives made free, and the prodigals sons and daughters return. The ministry opened the door to all that happened but that it happened at all is God’s doing alone. This is why I believe that to reject anyone’s ministry if that ministry has ever been counted as effectual for the Gospel’s sake, is to reject the work of God.
I’m addressing this issue not because of Ray Boltz or Marsha Stevens or anyone else who has fallen out of favor in the Christian spotlight and lost book deals or record contracts. I’m saying all this because of you; those of you who quietly and faithfully have given your lives and hearts to serving the church in one of a thousand different ways. You showed up at church and loved on the children, you sang in the choir, you organized a church event, recorded the offering, filled the communion cups, served on a committee, organized outreach work or were sent out on mission work in this country or another. You weren’t qualified for that work because you were straight or smart or special but because you were called….by God and you were willing to answer yes. The church might have affirmed your call but God is the one who called you, equipped you, and strengthened you for the work. It was God who restored you when you grew weary and God who gathered the fruit from the harvest you faithfully planted.
If this is you then I want you to hear that nothing you ever did in ministry was a waste or for no account. Ministry is a service of love; love for God and love of God’s people and this I know for sure, that love given away never returns void. The love you invested in others through the ministry of your life will never can be corrupted. The seeds of the Gospel you planted in the hearts of children are growing even now. The prayers you offered in Jesus’ name continue to echo through heaven. However and wherever you ministered in love, love remains. In coming out as queer nothing of the Spirit has been undone or destroyed by simply walking into wholeness of life. It all mattered then as it all matters now. The love you gave to children, to a congregation, to the homeless in a shelter has all taken root and no human rejection of your ministry based on something so insignificant as your sexual orientation can negate the work of God. You were faithful and in your service God was, is, and will continue to be glorified.
We might grieve the loss of a specific ministry and people we once served but the call to ministry is never over and the work is never done. Before you stretch endless possibilities to share your faith and hope with those in the world who’ve been wounded and broken by others in the name of Jesus. Some ran from God because others among the people of God chased them away but through your faithfulness in holding on to the Gospel and walking in the assurance of God’s love and grace, they’ll have a chance to have their faith and relationship with God restored. The witness of your life will give them the faith and hope they need to take a step toward God and then God will do the rest.
Here are some clips from Ray Boltz, Marsha Stevens, Cynthia Clawson and Brennan Manning. Their ministry isn’t over. Not by a long shot. Neither is yours.
Posted in Christian Living and Faith, Faith, News and Events
September 20th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Great post. The song “Thank You For Giving to the Lord” (although I have to admit that I have made fun of it in the past for its cheesiness) actually says it pretty well, too. Thank you for affirming our lives and work and for expressing these thoughts so well.
September 20th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Anita,
This was a great read for me, and not because I am doubting my place in my particular church at this moment, but because I am someone who is re-entering the “service” end of things in my particular congregation after years away from it, and years of pain and suffering in the belief that I was not welcome inside the walls of the church let alone anywhere near the altar (a belief that was partly my own…but backed up by witnessing the homophobia spewing from the mouths of some priests in my area to the local media). It has been joyful, surreal, scary, and affirming of my faith all in split-seconds…if that makes any sense. But the one thing that seems to be true is that no one is telling me I can’t be a participant, and some folks are quite happy to see me moving out of the pew and helping at the altar. And not a single person has seemed to care that I have a crew-cut, or that I don’t wear dresses and pearls to church but rather a black leather jacket.
Ultimately, churches really are just institutions run by people…and we hope that they don’t forget that they exist for God. The relationship, the love, the connection for each of us is with God. That’s been the trick for me is to always remember that my faith is in God…not in the people of God. And the more I have been turning my focus and attention in the direction of God and eternal life, the more the failings of people or institutions seem to be put in their proper perspective.
As for Ray Boltz and others….good on them for being true to who they are. Some may boycott them or burn their music….but by speaking their truth, not only are they free….they may be aiding someone else in their journey toward similar freedom from whatever lie they’ve living under. Thanks.
September 21st, 2008 at 4:18 am
AC, thank you. As I read your words this morning I felt healing happening in my heart. As tears fill my eyes, I know them to be tears that bring healing… because it’s been happening for the past couple years. A little deeper, another level, a little more. However long it takes, I’ll continue to shed these tears until it’s all gone and the hurt is replaced completely.
In reading the latter part of your blog, I was reminded of what my ex-pastor’s wife had said to me, one of the many things she said that cut me deep. First let me explain that my last church was huge on the prophetic. That being said, throughout my life I’ve had many “words” regarding ministry and the call of God on my life. Majority of them brought hope and many of them I was praying through to fruition. Well one of the things this pastor’s wife said to me was, that now that I had chosen this path, all the words that I had received, all the prophetic words over my life throughout the years were now null and void.
This woman said many many devastating things, but this one was near the top for me. In shame I crumbled. All those promises, all that guidance and confirmation of the calling and giftings He’d placed in my life. The ministry to women, the mothering the motherless, the street ministry, the partner God had for me, the words that spoke so deeply about my heart and my passion… all those things dropped and hope removed. See, I chose to believe the lie that it was all now null and void. And in my heart I closed that door and locked it.
Thank you for touching that part of my heart this morning. As I sit here allowing Him to take it further, to speak to my heart truth. I pray that the door will not only be unlocked, but that I will again believe and trust.
Thanks AC. It’s a journey, and one I’m thankful to be walking with you my friend.
September 21st, 2008 at 7:57 am
Cynthia Clawson was one of the first people who told me about Jesus. She was a college student then. I never knew that she became famous. I might have become a Christian then if our friend Kathy hadn’t died. Most of what I have to say regarding this post, I have posted in the forum because it is somewhat off topic and just a little too personal to post here. You triggered lots of memories for me Anita. Today is World Gratitude Day. I have much to be grateful for.
September 21st, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Anita: Thank you so much for this post. Some of us (as I’m sure you know already) have been “removed” from ministries (and churches) due to prejudices and misperceptions that have nothing whatsoever to do with sexual orientation, or supposed grave sin, or questioning, or… whatever it might be. I say “us” because it happened to me, too. The people in question thought that they were showing me “tough love,” and never were willing to admit that they had actually ostracized me. (Let alone that they had made a huge mistake, and were going on – at best – 3d-hand reports about me, rather than talking with me directly.)
That was 6 years ago. Now I’m finally beginning to feel a deep desire for engagement in a church, but not because I feel like I “have to.” It’s because I long for real connection with other Christians, and with God himself, in a way that can only happen through engagement in a church.
At this point, I’m exploring my options, albeit with a bit of fear and trembling.
September 21st, 2008 at 3:20 pm
This was a really great post. I knew Ray Boltz sang the song “Thank You” by way of reading around, but wasn’t sure if it was the exact song I was thinking of… sure enough, it was. (This just goes to show the years of distance between me and church) It’s such a beautiful song. It’s one of the songs that my mother would hum and sing while cleaning house. It brings back really fond memories and it’s just… I dunno… ironic. Wow!! Your posts always give me a lot to think about.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:23 am
Such a day is waiting for me. “Lurking in my future” might be the more apt metaphor.
Thank you for posting this Anita. I need to add these artists to my shopping list.
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:24 am
Beautiful So glad you pulled out some other names in the midst of the Ray Boltz revelation. It is encouraging to know that there are others! As I watched that first clip, I was sent decades into the past. I had totally forgotten about “For those tears I died.” I think I played and sang that one as a freshman in high school. These affirmations are _precious_ to me because they speak in opposition to the times I stepped back from ministry, put away my guitar, for the times when my ex-husband has told me that I had nothing to offer as a counselor or a Mom because I was a lesbian, and when I was let go from a “Christian” counseling agency because if it got out that I was “out” they would lose their ministry. It is good to affirm, we–all of us–are null and void no more! Bless you!!
September 24th, 2008 at 6:48 am
I have felt for a long time that the church has missed the point of the work of Christ completely. It is more divisive than uniting. I was a part of it for most of my life, and maybe it’s my advanced years talking, but I could no longer stomach it. As Christ grew larger in me (which is a miracle itself), I started question the practices and opinions of the church. It put up with me for as long as it could, then it spewed me out. I was devastated at first, but now I’m immensely glad. I’m not sure I could have ever seen the love of God, through me, to all people, if I had stayed in that environment. It is almost as if they desire to hide God from people. After all, if people truly awakened to God within, and all around, they would have no need for the church. Teaching, community, connectedness, and all the things the church SAYS it stands for, would happen spontaneously if the love of God was truly released on mankind. My friends, the “church” is in the way.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Esther –> Cheesy. I smiled when I read your post since that was my sentiment for a number of years. Of course, the older I get the more I find myself drawn to the cheesy. I think it’s a hormonal kind of thing.
Susan –> What you wrote makes perfect sense! I totally understand the mix of joy and fear in returning back to service. In taking that step you’re really making yourself vulnerable to being hurt again and so it takes a tremendous amount of courage to do it anyway. I’m thankful to read that you’re being welcomed back and I pray you come to know healing from the past as a result. Faith in God, not people. Such a hard lesson to learn but one that I would guess that has been driven home for most of us in coming out as queer and Christian. A hard and painful lesson but what a liberating one!
Joni–> I said nothing in this post that you haven’t already been coming to learn as you travel this path with God. Everything that you received as from the Lord before that affirmed your life and ministry, that spoke encouragement to your heart, that lifted your faith, continues to be just as true and applicable to this day. And shame on any and all who dare to speak words that break the human spirit and cause them to question their place in the arms and grace of God. The door is unlocked Joni, and all that waits if for us to do is enter through….though I suspect you already are even if you aren’t yet fully aware that you’ve crossed over the threshold.
DL–> I loved the story you shared in the forum on Cynthia and your early encounters with the assurance of God’s love that was given to you.
e2tc–> Sigh. In a way I wish queers didn’t have company in being wounded by the church. As I wrote this post it was with thoughts of those I know who’ve been devastated by the church and barred from ministry and fellowship for reasons that had nothing to do with their sexual orientation. In my own life, my greatest pain from the church and which caused me to resign from full-time pastoral ministry had nothing to do with my sexuality. I’m so sorry for the pain of your experience whatever the details and I encourage you to continue to make the journey back to being engaged with the church, not out of obligation but out of desire. Thank you for sharing what you did. I know you speak for many.
Katherine—> I loved reading about how the song I posted here being the song your Mom hummed. I apologize for presuming on God but I wouldn’t be surprised if God played a wee part in such a coincidence.
Ric–> If that day is indeed waiting for you in the future Ric while it might well come at a cost, it will also be something you never regret doing. Extending grace and compassion, proclaiming justice, and pushing the boundaries out to include “the other” despite the predictable resistance by some will rock your world in awesome ways. You go Bro.
Wendy–>There are indeed others. So many who’ve paid a price. People who had nothing personal at stake in that they weren’t queer or whoever “the other” was that they were advocating for, but itwas personal in that justice and mercy are a key feature of God’s call to every believer. They act because of faithfulness to God more than a desire to be an activist or a “trouble-maker.” I could only hope that I would and will step forward to advocate for others who are oppressed even when the other doesn’t look like me.
Bruce –> First things first. Thank you for the message of Bold Grace. You’re doing a fantastic work over there! The whole idea of the “institutional” church is a bit odd when you consider the life of Jesus. Surely he didn’t walk on the earth thinking the end result of his mission was for the establishment of an organized religion and church with its polity, divisions and doctrines. Jesus, as I see him in the Gospels, came to change individual lives and then empower each of them to share the Good News that they had received with others. That all those who had been touched by his life could come together in community and continue to share and live the Good News without bogging themselves and the Gospel down with human constraints is an incredible idea but as it turned out, even the early Church, a few years removed from Jesus couldn’t do it at times. So when I say I’ve given up on the church, I have. On the corporate, institutional, political conglomerate church, but not on the universal church which is comprised of many churches; those being The Church of Bruce, The Church of Anita, The Church of Ric, and on and on. We are the church. Each of us. That’s where the Gospel lives. Thanks for posting here Bruce.
October 4th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Anita,
Just wanted to share something I wrote today:
Normality…what a concept.
I am not normal, nor was I made to be
This human shell which covers, the living, breathing me
Shows whoever watches, the inner workings of
Insanity, defiantly, multiplied by love
My wishes sometimes go, beyond my crazy self
To have a normal life…friends, family, health
Would seem to be a goal, one would wish to have
To be piece of a whole, or even just a half
Of what our modern culture, deems to be okay
To open up my mouth and scream that “I am gay!”
Would that make any difference, would anybody see?
What it means, how it feels, to act-ually be me?
I tried hard to conform, to standards set before me
I sacrificed, I hid my self, ignored and cursed my feelings
And yet they never changed, if only they would have…
To not have had to tell, my family…mom…and dad
“Hey, guess what? I am gay.” And hope that they would not
Be like all the others and live as they’ve been taught
To ostracize the different, to illuminate the truth
By spotlighting the darkness, and showing them the proof
That who they are is wrong, that how they feel is sin
That in order to be loved, they just have to give in
To what the Bible “says,” no matter what it meant
At the time when it was written, before it was in print
You must obey the word, the living sword of God
Don’t look too close at what, the author’s intent was
Take it as it is, and we’ll take you as you are
As long as you don’t live it out, or take our grace too far
If grace can go too far, how can it really be?
The free gift of God, for everyone, for me?
To love without condition, to live without remorse
To not just fall in line, is to carve out my own course
And live as I was born, to be JUST AS I AM
A child of God, loved, forgiven,
To just be simply…
Pam
October 9th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Anita, just another word of thanks from down here in Oklahoma! I won’t wait until we get to heaven to say:
“Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am a life that was changed. Thank you for giving to the Lord, I am so glad you gave.”
Your giving, your service and your faith have changed my life, and I thank God for you.
As always my prayers of support and best wishes for you and D! And a definite “Ya’ll keep it up!” from down here in the South!!! Thank you!
October 9th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Heather–> Here I was just minding my own business watching a little TV with my beloved and thought I’d jump online for a minute to check the blog only to have you make me cry. I hope you’re pround of yourself Sooner! Seriously, your generous words humble me, thrill me, and make me so grateful to be a part of all of this. It is nothing less than a privilege to do what I do, and though I’ve said it a thousand times I’ll say it again, whatever I give here is so little compared to what I receive from all of you. Thank you for your prayers and best wishes. I’ll keep some of it for myself and pass the rest along to D.