The slow simmer on the back burner is continuing, though.

for now, rest seems to be the better choice. Which of course, is not to say that I’ll never tackle these questions in greater depth; just that now might not be the best time to do it. But I love reading all the posts and comments regarding these subjects, as you know… Perhaps the trusting in quietness (for now) and the rest will merge, eventually, for me.

And oh, how I “amen” that the most painful hells are the ones we create and that are for so many people in the here and now and those are the hells from which we’ve been saved.

I USED to have it all worked out. Knew the answer/s to it all from a very conservative Christian background. At that time, Hell was an actual place that existed as well as being a state of eternal damnation and hot fire for all those who had not turned to Christ. Heaven was a place to go to when you’d said the sinners prayer and given your heart to Christ (regardless, it seemed, of whatever you did after that in your life). I genuinely thought at that point that God would (like a parent) let people suffer the consequences of not choosing Him (a bit like “this is gonna hurt me more that it’s gonna hurt you“– but nevertheless). I also believed that God would be upset too that no missionaries had made it to some parts of the globe to actually give people the message and choice (coz that would be really unfair – to go to Hell without knowing there was something that could be done about it). I thought that heaven was a place, full of singing, holy robes, streets of gold, full of glorious praise and worship and a place where I would be transformed from a body that doesn’t function well, to one that walks and looks beautiful. Relationships with people I knew on earth wouldn’t be that important because the REAL me would be revealed without sin and I’d likely be a different person – a perfect one. So, because I’d been transformed and risen above an earthly body with a sinful bent to it, I would be sorrowful about others I’d know (pre-perfection) who went to hell, but was resigned to the fact they’d made their choice, had to live with the consequences, and I was only missing their “imperfect and sinful” person so really didn’t know them at all.

THEN I started to realise there was (what I feel are) holes in the stuff I was being taught (coz if you’re going to say that THIS verse is literal and THAT one is metaphoric or contextual to 100AD – well, you just can’t have it both ways). I started to wonder if Judas had prayed before killing himself and that would have meant (to me) that Judas or Hitler or whoever was actually in heaven. Which I suppose, if it hinges on the sinners prayer, or like the thief on the cross – is entirely possible. So I guess that answers the two questions you’ve posed.

RIGHT now though, I’ve been through the dark night of the soul. Realised there is no place for me as a gay woman in the church (where I live anyway). I’ve tried not to throw the baby out with the bathwater but at the moment I’m wondering what is real, what is true, what is just ‘programming’ and what I feel. I would dearly LOVE to be able to believe in a God that is loving and loves me regardless. BUT, I’m not there just yet. Instead I’m scared. Worried that being who I am means I’ve turned my back and am destined for hell. Of course, I want to change my mind now – about hell – so that my beliefs fit my lifestyle. I wonder if my search for a new truth (for me) means that I just create a story or a God that fits my NEED to want a God that is forgiving and loving, rather than who God might really be. In the end, NONE of us knows until we die. NONE of us knows until that point what happens, what heaven is or isn’t and who or what God is.