July 16, 2010
I’ve never written much concerning my personal views on ex-gay programs* aside from one post years ago and a random comment here or there along the way. There have been a number of reasons for my reluctance, the primary one being that I don’t have anything good to say about their ideology, theology, or integrity, and so I’d rather spend my time, energy, and words on the good that’s to be found in God, in ourselves, and in the world. Which isn’t to say I question the necessity of closely examining and critiquing any organizations, including the church, but I’ve always believed such work is best undertaken by those with first-hand knowledge and experience.
And this little lesbian has never participated in an ex-gay program. Never registered for one of their conferences. Never looked through the yellow pages for a counselor in reparitive therapy. Never worshiped in a church with an outreach ministry committed to “providing healing and restoration for the homosexual.” The closest I ever came to any type of ex-gay anything was in reading a handful of ex-gay stories back in the days when God and I first started talking seriously about my own sexual orientation and even back then when I was raw and hurting and struggling internally I couldn’t find any connection between my life experience and those detailed by individuals who had left the homosexual lifestyle. I no more related to their lives than had I been reading about the life of the Japanese Fire Belly Newt and I say this with no disrespect intended to the Japanese Fire Belly Newt or to anyone who self-identifies as ex-gay.
Seriously. If you were sexually traumatized as a child, neglected by your dad, lacked nurturing from your emotionally unavailable mom, acting out sexually with multiple women throughout your twenties, abusing drugs or alcohol or yourself in your thirties, and had turned your back on a relationship with God, and then going through an ex-gay program brought you to a place of healing and wholeness then I’ll accept what you tell me as your story. I won’t pretend to understand what you’ve been through at any point in your life but I respect that this is your story of what happened to you and if that’s the path that led you to a fulfilling relationship with God, got you out of yourself, and restored you to the world then I’m not about to question you here or to deny that what you’re saying is true for you. But here’s the deal and we both know what it is. You believe homosexuality is a sin. I do not. And so we either agree to disagree and stay with what we have in common or we wish each other well and return to our respective corners. For my part I choose to hope that the grace of God could allow us to navigate our way toward a cordial way of relating with one another being that in the end we all eat from the same bread and drink from the same cup.
Just as I’ve never been involved in the ex-gay movement, I’ve never been around any formerly gay people, but I have been around a number of GLBTQ Christians who spent years of their life in ex-gay programs and lived to tell the tale. I know men and women who were so emotionally and spiritually beaten down by one ex-gay program or another that they ended up spending years in therapy healing from the mess of their experience. I know knew one gay man who after years of going in and out of the doors of a particular ex-gay program at the insistence of his religious parents ended up committing suicide when the thought of living only to try and fail again became too painful to bear.
While I never went through the doors of an ex-gay program the voices of the ex-gay movement came through my families door, imparting their outrageous theories of homosexuality and its causes, their lies about the homosexual lifestyle, and their theology of deliverance and change. My annoyance isn’t because of what they put me through their teaching because I never took anything they said seriously. I heard what they were putting out there and it was so far from the truth of my life as a Christian, a woman, and a lesbian that all they said would have been laughable were it not so pathetically tragic. No. My issue with the ex-gay movement is what they put my mom and dad through in those first days and months following my coming out, since as evangelical Christians my parents turned to Christian leaders among them like James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and then read literature and watched videos from groups these men recommended like Love Won Out and Exodus International.
These ex-gay groups preceded to tell my parents I was broken, rebellious, and deceived. Their description of the homosexual lifestyle caused my parents to imagine the worst of what I might be doing at any moment and fueled their fear that the daughter they had joyfully watched grow up to embrace the Christian faith was now going to hell.These ex-gay organizations didn’t hesitate to tell my parents they knew more about me than my own parents did because they knew all all about homosexuals, but the lies they told my parents that continue to trouble me to this day, long after my parents and I found a way to navigate our love around our differences, long after my mom came to tell me she was happy for the love I shared with D, and long after both my parents have passed away, are the lies that burdened my mom and dad unnecessarily. Lies that caused them to believe in some way they had failed as parents and to feel guilty they had done something to contribute to my “broken, sinful condition.” Did something happen to me as a child on their watch? Did they neglect me in some way? Should they have disciplined me more? Should they have talked with me more? Did they fail to affirm or encourage my femininity when I was young? Was Mom nurturing enough? Was Dad involved enough?
My parents and I had a number of painful conversations in those early days but the one I most remember is when my mom in a voice weighted down with dread at what my answer might be asked, “Did Daddy and I do something that made you this way?” All I could say to her at the time was that she and dad had been wonderful parents and just as they never did anything to make me gay there wasn’t anything they could have ever done to make me not gay.
I’m not saying that any particular ex-gay organization or even James Dobson in all his self-appointed expert wisdom caused my parents to go to a place they wouldn’t have gone to on their own. As I said, my folks were raised within the conservative Christian church and so their theology and worldview was formed and grounded there. No, their struggle to reconcile having a gay daughter would have already been difficult enough for them but what the ex-gay movement did through their broad brush strokes of the “gay lifestyle” and their dishonest general characterizations of gay people only deepened their worst fears. These were Christian professionals after all, experienced and trained in dealing with homosexual people, Christian therapists and pastors who regularly ministered to gay people and through prayer and counseling had witnessed countless people healed and delivered from the bondage of homosexuality and sexual brokenness. The words of these trained professionals, medical experts and Christian therapists was salt in the open wounds my parents already carried and I continue to hold them to account for adding so much as one needless moment of fear or guilt or shame to my parents lives.
Again, if you’re someone who in your own words, “has left the ‘gay lifestyle’ through the grace of God” then all I can say is good for you and I say that sincerely. In at least the grace of God we can agree if in nothing else. But to those ex-gay organizations and leaders who continue to perpetuate dishonest characterizations and lies about GLBTQ people or make claims of change that are disingenuous at best, then shame on you. Really. Shame on you.
*I primarily refer to what are commonly called “ex-gay ministries” as ex-gay groups, organizations or programs throughout this post. I have chosen to do so intentionally as I simply can’t attach the word “ministry” to anything that in my view has caused so much spiritual harm to so many lives.
Posted in Ex-Gay 
7 Comments »
July 15, 2010
[I just realized from a reader's comment that I may need to provide a disclaimer for this post and so here it is: No language or opinions concerning the Mormon religion presented in this post are representative of what I may or may not believe. I am only recounting what has been and still can be heard among some circles of evangelical Christianity. Critiquing anyone's religious faith isn't my intention for this post or this blog in general. Have I made myself clear? Okay then. Continue.]
The documentary 8: The Mormon Proposition recently became available for purchase on iTunes and so last week I viewed it on my iPad while sitting at Starbucks. I should have known better. Entering into a dialogue with your TV screen in the privacy of your own home is one thing but the same behavior in public tends to draw unwanted attention and perhaps a diagnostic questioning from trained health care professionals called to the scene by a nervous barista.
The catalyst for talking out loud with my inside voice both at Starbucks and around our house in spontaneous outbursts ever since have nothing to do with the specific content of the film or in the Mormon Churches actions around Proposition 8 in general. Not that I’m thrilled with their part but I’m not a Mormon and so I leave it to GLBTQ Mormons to challenge the attitudes and behaviors of their own church along with all the others, both gay and straight, religious and non-religious who are intent on holding them to account.
While the documentary focused on the Mormon churches involvement in Prop 8 my concern is with the involvement of evangelical Christianity; not that they supported it’s passage (given their theological position on homosexuality is it even a reasonable expectation they would have supported marriage equality?) but that leaders within the evangelical Christian movement were involved in a way that was inconsistent with other Christian teachings they’ve held for decades, and in compromising one truth in pursuit of another truth they’ve caused harm to themselves and to their witness to the world.
I’m not saying any of this as an outsider looking in but rather as one who called evangelical Christianity my spiritual home for 40 years and to whom I still, though no longer counted among them, feel an affection and connection, and despite my incredible disappointment in how they have responded to GLBTQ people in general and to GLBTQ believers (the ones seated next to them in the pew and across the breakfast table) in particular, I want the best for the church so that they might truly become a visible sign of God’s presence in the world.
But they, like me have a long way to go.
So dig in to your chair and see if you can stay with me on this one….
Having been born and bred within evangelical conservative Christianity, I’m not only intimately acquainted with the churches position on homosexuality but on their long-standing teaching regarding Mormonism. During the ’60s and ’70s when our contemporary culture was saturated with religious sects like the Unification Church and their well-groomed Moonies and airport terminals were bouncing with dancing orange-clad followers of Hare Krishna, the church was on Code Red, alerting it’s members to the dangers of being taken in by false religions among which Mormonism topped the list. Evangelical Christianity has a long established record of not only viewing Mormonism as one among many false religions but as one of the most threatening to Christianity because while appearing at first glance to adhere to traditional Christian theology, a deeper exploration of their teaching revealed their theology as a “perversion” of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The article, The Mormon-Evangelical Divide, which appeared in Christianity Today back in 2000 highlights some of these points of conflict. And sadly but not surprisingly, there also exists a number of Christian-based Mormon bashing websites just a search engine away.
My understanding, formed within the context of evangelical Christianity was that simply because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints used the name of Jesus and presented themselves as Christians, I needed to be on guard so as not to be taken in by their false teachings. No matter how they might try to appear or convince us otherwise, Mormons were not Christians and so we were instructed to avoid associating with them (II Corinthians 6:14-17) unless it was for the purpose of engaging with them in a way that might lead them to the true Christian faith and a real relationship with Jesus Christ. It’s also important to keep in mind that in the understanding of evangelical Christianity false teachers are also described as “wolves in lamb’s clothing” and “enemies of God.” Same thing by whatever name.
Despite the passing of years, the same attitudes regarding Mormonism I learned in “The World’s False Religions 101″ have continued to persist in mainstream evangelical Christianity as evidenced in the exclusion of the LDS church from official participation in the annual National Day of Prayer which created considerable contention in 2004 when they were prohibited from being involved in a scheduled event held in Salt Lake City. Yes, that would be the Salt Lake City, founded by Mormon pioneers, headquarters to the LDS Church International, with a general population that consists of more than 50% Mormons. The National Day of Prayer Task Force in 2004 as to this present day is led by Shirley Dobson, the wife of James Dobson of Focus on the Family.
As for James Dobson in 2008 his Focus on the Family ministry pulled a link off their site to an article on talk show host Glenn Beck’s book “The Christmas Sweater” after numerous calls were made to Focus on the Family voicing concern that Beck was a member of the LDS church. The prepared statement Focus on the Family provided to future callers on the Beck-LDS connection read as follows:
You are correct to note that Mr. Beck is a member of the Mormon church, and that we did not make mention of this fact in our interview with him. We do recognize the deep theological difference between evangelical theology and Mormon theology, and it would have been prudent for us at least to have pointed out these differences. Because of this confusion we have removed the interview.
While Dobson isn’t the sole voice for evangelical Christianity, he is regarded as an influential voice and prominent leader among evangelical Christians and Focus on the Family has occupied center stage in the evangelical movement for several decades. And yet, despite the evangelical position that the LDS church is a non-Christian cult to the outright exclusion of Mormons from a major “Christian” event and in removing an interview with a Mormon on a evangelical Christian website, Focus on the Family readily joined with the LDS Church in 1997 to form the World Congress of Families, along with a number of other evangelical Christian and Catholic organizations. The singular purpose of the World Congress of Families is to promote, uphold and defend the “natural family” in society.
Building on this existing alliance, Focus on the Family and the leaders of the LDS Church joined forces several years later to establish ProtectMarriage.com (as if I’d provide a working link to their site) which was at the center of the Yes on 8 campaign. While 8: The Mormon Proposition focused attention on the millions given by the Utah-based LDS church to fund the passage of Proposition 8, they failed to mention that Colorado-based Focus on the Family gave nearly 800,000 dollars, second in giving only to the Mormons, including a lump sum of 100,000 given in late October only days before announcing Focus on the Family would be laying off 20% of their employees due to budgetary constraints.
Not to be outdone by evangelical Christians, the Southern Baptists were equally passionate supporters of Proposition 8 and of ProtectMarriage.com. Days after the November 2008 election, the California Southern Baptist Convention presented the following resolution at their annual gathering:
The California Southern Baptist Convention expresses its appreciation and heartfelt gratitude to the ProtectMarriage.com coalition that spearheaded the effort to restore and protect biblical, traditional marriage in California and throughout our nation. We strongly encourage our churches and their members to pray for, promote, and uphold the biblical model of marriage.
These are the same Southern Baptists of which Amy Sullivan reports in an article for the Washington Monthly, are “particularly vocal about labeling the LDS Church a ‘cult.’”
In 1997, the denomination published a handbook and video, both with the title The Mormon Puzzle: Understanding and Witnessing to Latter-day Saints. More than 45,000 of these kits were distributed in the first year; the following year–in a throwing down of the proselytizing gauntlet–the Southern Baptist Convention held its annual meeting in Salt Lake City. Around the same time, a speaker at the denomination’s summit on Mormonism declared that Utah was “a stronghold of Satan.” When Richard Mouw, president of the evangelical Fuller Theological Seminary, tried to repair relations with the LDS community by apologizing on behalf of evangelicals during a speech in the Mormon Tabernacle last year, his conservative brethren lashed out. Mouw had no right, they declared in an open letter, to speak for them or apologize for denouncing Mormon “false prophecies and false teachings.”
Evangelical Christians came out vocally in the months before and after the 2008 election in support not only of Proposition 8 but in their active and influential support of ProtectMarriage.com. James Dobson. Charles Colson. Jim Robertson. All prominent evangelical leaders who have at other times and in other places been equally vocal in their opposition of the LDS church, calling it a non-Christian cult which presents false teaching. Inspired and encouraged by their call for all Christians to become involved in the passage of Prop 8, more than 215 congregations and evangelical conservative faith-based organizations joined as partners with ProtectMarriage.com and not surprisingly a poll taken by the Public Policy Institute of California the day after the election concluded that more than 85% of evangelical, born-again Christians voted in support of Prop 8.
So here then is the issue for me. While there’s no hesitation in my heart or mind around the idea of the LDS church and the Evangelical Christian movement meeting together in interfaith dialogue or establishing cordial relationships built on mutual respect for the others faith clearly there’s been not only hesitation but unflinching resistance on pursuing any such relationship by the very same evangelical Christians who joined with the LDS church in the formation of ProtectMarriage.com.
Out of one side of their mouths evangelical leaders have called the LDS church an offense to the Gospel (along with naming them as false teachers, wolves in sheep’s clothing, and enemies of God) and out of the other side of their mouth they all but rushed to form an alliance with the LDS church in their efforts toward the passage of Proposition 8 and then rushed just as quickly to their defense when the Mormon church was held to account for their actions. This not only makes evangelical Christianity appear inconsistent and disingenuous to many in the world but at the very least communicates the unspoken but equally unmistakable message that “the end justifies the means,” an adage that under any circumstances is impossible to confuse as a teaching of Christ or a maxim of Christianity. In the language of evangelical Christianity I would want to ask, “Is protecting the institution of marriage more important than protecting the truth of the Gospel?” And if their answer is yes (as it seems to be by their actions), “Is protecting the institution of marriage worth the price of casting a shadow on the churches witness to the world?”
Some might think I’m reading too much into all this but I don’t think I am. I know that evangelical Christianity and I parted ways along time ago when it comes to the question of homosexuality and the Bible, and how the Gospel Jesus would might contribute to the dialogue on equal rights and protections for GLBTQ people under the law, but I’d still like to believe that when it comes to matters of integrity and seeking to be a trustworthy Christian witness to the world that we’d be on the same page. It’s my hope that these basic commitments could be shared and it’s fearing that they aren’t that has me experiencing disappointment in the spiritual home where I came from and in those among them who seem to accept that integrity can be sacrificed in pursuit of some “greater good.”
Or maybe it’s just me….but I don’t think it is.
Posted in News and Events 9 Comments »
July 13, 2010
I realized this morning that I’ve been doing this for 15 years and by this I mean blogging before blogging was the word. I started with a home page that became a website that became a blog. New terminology, old message.
God loves you.
You’d think by now I’d have come up with something new to write about; something with a little more sparkle and glam. Edgy. Catchy. Fresh. Not only to keep you coming back for more but I have an ego and occasionally that ego wants to impress and dazzle.
Oh Anita, you are sooooo clever.
Oh girlfriend, how you weave those words.
That last post was brilliant. Really. I stand in awe.
Hearing such praise from the woman in the mirror is nice but not all that satisfying since she tends to say what I want to hear.
And it doesn’t help my ego one little bit that there are so many incredible bloggers out there writing really amazing posts nearly everyday. I don’t know how they do it but however they do it, I admire them like crazy for doing it. And I’m green with envy. Just a pale shade of green. Not grass green. More like the green on an unripened lemon. Like the way too cutesy pastel green on my iPhone 4 bumper that makes it look like a baby’s chewy toy rather than a serious high tech mobile communication device for adults only.
But getting back to other bloggers who blog frequently and proficiently, I’ve seriously considered stealing their ideas, the only problem being that some of them actually read my blog in the seconds they have to spare between writing one post and uploading another one and being guilty accused of plagiarism isn’t something I find particularly endearing.
So instead I guess I’ll just keep pounding out the same old message.
God loves you.
And when my next post ends up sounding a lot like my last post I’ll try to take some satisfaction in knowing that some things are really worth repeating. After all, can any toddler ever get their fill of being read to from “Goodnight Moon?” Now there’s a plot that keeps you coming back for more. But then, so does God’s love.
What got me to thinking about all this today is reading an online announcement this morning that Whosoever, the online magazine for GLBTQ Christians is also celebrating their 15th anniversary. Whosoever has consistently provided a wealth of spiritual encouragement and support for GLBTQ people all these years and so I send heartfelt kudos to Candace Chewell-Hodge and all those who have contributed their writing to keeping it a thriving and life-affirming ministry. They were and continue to be on the frontlines of shaping the vibrant online community of GLBTQ Christians we all are fortunate enough to participate in.
I only have one little question. My original start up date (housed in the now defunct online gay neighborhood of Geocities West Hollywood) was the summer of 1995. Whosoever Magazine has a start up of the summer of 1996.
2010 minus 1996 equals 15 years….
Am I missing out on some kind of newfangled math or have I inadvertently time-traveled into the future?
Regardless, no matter how we each arrived at 15 years, it’s nice to know that along the way Candace and I were both blessed with a hyphen of our own, and oh, do I love my hyphen.
Posted in Just a Thought, SisterFriends 8 Comments »
July 12, 2010
I’m gay and thus fulfilling yet another stereotype of conservatives everywhere, I have an agenda. World domination and a leaner body aside (with particular attention to the saddlebags and love handles) my agenda could be summed up in that: every GLBTQ person would know beyond question they are the beloved of the Most High so as to bring an end once and for all to the internal struggle that holds them captive so that, having now been assured, they would for the rest of their days live in wholeness, and in wholeness be set free to love.
That’s the agenda motivating this blog year after year and why despite those seasons in life when my priorities are jumbled due to personal commitments and concerns, I keep coming back because there’s the awareness that everyday there’s someone who needs to hear again that they are loved, cherished, and of immeasurable worth to the God they have loved and followed all the days of their life. Being gay or lesbian or transgendered or uncertain has done nothing to change that which is true and has been true since the beginning.
You know as surely as do I that….
- Today someone is just coming to the self-awareness that the life they’re living isn’t the life that’s true for them.
- Today someone has experienced rejection, condemnation, and shame that was never meant for them due to the words and actions of their pastor, their parent, or their life-long friend.
- Today a queer youth raised by conservative Christian parents has been told to leave the only home they’ve ever known until they “come to their senses and change their ways.”
- Today a pastor tearfully preached his last sermon to the congregation he’s faithfully served because a vibrant ministry has been judged meaningless by a denominational policy that values a single sexual orientation over a heart that’s responded to God’s call.
- Today a lesbian or gay couple have been reminded with a glance at the morning paper that there continue to be people in this world bound and determined to keep their children from ever knowing what it is to be regarded as a “real family.”
- Today someone was savagely beaten for wearing clothing that reflected their true gender identity.
- Today someone is reeling from another assault on their heart and spirit and questioning if it will ever change, doubting that it ever will, and wondering what the point is in going on.
These are the someones I can’t forget even in the comfort and ease of a life lived with a beautiful wife, an affirming congregation, a supportive community, and a family that continues to love me and stay connected despite any differences that exist between us.
As GLBTQ people we have no shortage of causes and all of them are important but additionally as GLBTQ Christians there’s another aim we seek along with marriage equality, equal rights, the reversal of DADT, and the passage of ENDA. It is that every gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered man, woman, and young person would come to an understanding that God loves them fully, unconditionally, and with no small print attached.
The way we do this is simple even when it’s not easy.
We make ourselves as visible in the world as our own life situation allows us to be. We come out where we can, living as openly as we can, whether it’s in the public square or in the intimate confines of a small circle of friends. We become as visible as we possibly can so those who remain hidden might see they are not alone and so that queer youth can be assured that there are people, both gay and gay-affirming who will understand them and not abandon them when so many others in their life they trusted have closed the door.
We tell our stories of being Christians who are GLBTQ or as straight Christians who are affirming of the lives of GLBTQ people. We tell how it was like to come out and of the freedom we came to know even when we were met with rejection. We tell of those places of light in the church and in the world to bring balance to the darkness that has proceeded from the church and been lived out in the world in all too apparent and painful ways. We tell of our lives and our love for God. And if we must remain hidden we can create a blog where we tell our stories knowing that the narrative of our lives can speak hope and healing even when we can’t speak our name. ([un]Closeted Pastor, formerly known as Closeted Pastor stands as just one example).
We confront in truth and in love the misrepresentation of queer people by the church and the misinformation and stereotyping that comprises the bulk of their stance against homosexuality. While we hope that truth-telling will in time change the hearts of the church and society, for the immediate moment we tell our truth so that those who continue to struggle will understand that there’s more than one interpretation of Scripture and more than one view of homosexuality within Christianity.
We make ourselves visible, we tell our stories, we speak truth where there are lies and confront stereotypes with the diversity of our lives, and finally, we allow the witness of our lives to bring positive change into the world, the church, and into the hearts of those most in need of seeing the freedom and joy that awaits beyond the storm. We refuse to be the tormented homosexuals the church requires of us but instead we walk with confident assurance in who we are, making no apology for our lives, our relationships, or our place in the church. We proclaim without reservation our love for God and God’s love for us and we seek every day to live lives grounded in the love of God and reflective of the Spirit of Christ so that others would know claiming their sexual orientation need never come at the price of forsaking their faith and relationship with God.
This is my diabolical gay agenda and if this is what the church fears then be afraid. Be very afraid.
Posted in Christian Lesbian Identity, Coming Out, Personal Stories 5 Comments »
June 28, 2010
I didn’t realize until late in the day yesterday that it was Gay Pride Sunday but it’s not like we would have gone to the parade in San Francisco had we even remembered since neither D or I are fond of parades of any kind or crowds of any kind or the chaos that ensues when the two merge. Call me crazy but I’m just not one of those who thrills to the idea of sitting or standing on the side of a littered street curb in the blazing heat or the pouring rain for hours while qay strangers or straight strangers stand or dance precariously on floats made of balloons or flowers wave in my grumpy or apathetic direction.
I realize that as an openly-out non-conflicted lesbian who enjoys (with traces of guilt) being one of only 14,000 gay couples afforded legal marriage status in California that I have a responsibility to be a visible presence for queer youth and for those GLBTQ folk yearning to come out of the closet. Believe me, I take this responsibility seriously but please, just don’t make me go to a Gay Pride Parade to prove it. I’d rather climb up on this wobbly chair in the conservative suburban Starbucks where I now write to confess my gay pride shortcomings and scream “Yes, I Am!” while waving a 5 foot rainbow flag over my head than spend another June Sunday elbowing my way through a aimlessly roaming horde of my gay brothers, lesbian sisters and non-gender specific family while snaking past the alarming number of Absolut Vodka, free condom, and corporate-sponsored vendors that have become the bane of San Francisco Gay Pride. I don’t need another eco-friendly, shoddily-made Gay Pride tee-shirt that fades with the first washing and if I should get a craving for a soggy elephant ear dripping with nauseatingly-sweet raspberry jam or deep-fried Oreo cookies then I’ll just go ahead and commit nutritional suicide at any State Fair in one of the 50 states, including the unincorporated territory of Puerto Rico.
Side Note from A SoapBox: While there’s many worthwhile organizations that participate in Gay Pride and much to be celebrated, I’m increasingly disturbed by the inordinate focus placed on alcohol and sex, not at the initiation of the parade goers but by those corporations whose sponsorship of the day seems less motivated by their support for the gay community than to use the opportunity to target GLBTQ consumers with all their high-gloss banners, slick swag and free merchandise.
Second Side Note from the Same Soapbox: How do you suppose it is that the anti-gay conservative groups will strategically select a number of shock-and-awe images every year from the parade to serve as evidence of the immorality of the homosexual lifestyle, yet they never seem to arrive at the same conclusion regarding the heterosexual lifestyle despite an even larger amount of evidence established in images of women flashing their breasts for a strand of plastic beads, leering men who can’t take their eyes off them (the breasts not the beads) and outrageous drunken behavior that stands as the hallmark to each and every Mardi Gras parade?
And yes, in case you’re wondering, I feel better now, but before you write me off as the party pooper who served as the inspiration to the song, let me offer a counter-balance to the someone jaded portion of this post that’s probably left you with an urge to go back to bed and pull the covers up over your head.
When I was younger, and by younger I mean any and all years prior to turning 50 years old, I had some profoundly moving Gay Pride Parade experiences despite the crowds and chaos. About one year, three months, and forty-five minutes after coming out I marched in the 1995 Chicago Gay Pride Parade and watched as leather-clad bare-bottomed bears cried on the sidelines as we passed by singing “Jesus Loves Me.” In 1999 I was nearly hugged to death in the most tender way by a rubenesque drag queen with the warmest eyes and a hint of a 5:00 o’clock shadow who went from being a stranger to my brother in sister apparel in the span of a fashion-oppositional hug; he dressed in a tight slinky gown with mile-high stilettos and me in an eligibly-faded tee-shirt from a previous parade and Birkenstocks. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Compliment a drag queen on what a stunning beauty she is and prepare yourself to be mauled.
And then in 2001 my girlfriend (now forever bride) and I filled out the required forms to become legal domestic partners at the PFLAG booth where other queers’ moms and dads shook our hands and congratulated us until we melted into a big weepy ball of silly putty. In 2003 and again in 2004 I spend a few hours working the exhibit booth for the CLGS (Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies in Religion and Ministry) talking one on one with every kind of queer imaginable and then some about faith and God and their worth in God’s eyes while D anchored her body to the PVC piping framework of our booth to keep it from going airborne and landing on the neighboring booth. “Annie’s Henna Tattoos and Piercings” or something equally San Francisco.
I don’t know exactly why and when the Gay Pride Parade lost it’s magic for me. Maybe I got too old, too comfortable, too lazy, too vanilla. It just seems that when I wasn’t looking I went from being a 44 year single lesbian filled with anticipation, wonder, and a trace of fear to be marching in her first pride parade to a 53 year old married lesbian and clergywoman living in the suburbs who managed to forget the rainbow tribe was boldly and proudly whooping it up yesterday.
Don’t judge me too harshly. I haven’t forgotten my community or my obligation to be out for others who remain hidden and silenced. I haven’t forgotten the struggle that continues or the lies that continue to be told or the lives that continue to be wounded. How could I ever forget when everyday there’s another reminder of how far we have to go even while celebrating how far we’ve come? I’ll continue to live as an unapologetically out lesbian, a word and identity I wear comfortably and gratefully. I’ll continue to speak up, even if it be inadequately so, for those who can’t speak for themselves and I will continue to counter misinformation with truth-telling in the church and in our world.
I guess I’m just at a place in my life where I’ve settled in to being queer enough to know that I don’t have to do my life in a particular way to make it count or to make a difference. Neither do you. Volunteer. Contribute. Participate. Be involved. But above all else live today authentically as yourself and to who God made you to be. The way you live, the truth you speak, and the integrity you possess will do more to change this world than a thousand parades combined will ever do.
Finally, let me impart one last word of wisdom. If you happened to buy a 10 dollar tee-shirt at Gay Pride this year, I suggest you avoid throwing it in the clothes dryer. I’m just saying.
Posted in News and Events, So Gay 9 Comments »
June 10, 2010
Tuesday morning I was glued to my iPad for two hours following the live feed from WWDC10, Apple’s World Wide Developer’s Conference. That’s right. I just came out of the closet. I’m a Christian Lesbian Gadget Geek. I embrace my whole self and make no apologies for it.
The WWDC is the annual conference (i.e. pep rally, cult gathering) when Steve Jobs announces the latest and greatest “You Must Own This If You Ever Hope to Have a Fulfilling Life” Apple product and this year’s star of the show, the iPhone4, didn’t fail to impress. Front and back camera with flash. HD video recording. iMovie installed. Video chat. App folders. Multi-tasking. Gyroscope. Faster speed, longer battery life, higher resolution.
Wait. I need a minute.
Sorry. It’s just so hard for me to see the computer screen with misty-eyes.
Oh, I can hear you now. No seriously I can. I can hear you, and what I hear you saying with an ever-so slightly edgy tone in your voice (don’t even try to deny it!) is this… “So what does your pathetic obsession with all things iGadgety have to do with God or faith or being a Christian Lesbian?”
Fine. Mock me now but in a minute you’re going to regret prematurely jumping all over my little pony and doubting me. But I, being gracious and good, will forgive you. In fact, consider it already done. Absolution is yours my Sister.
So here’s where I was heading if you would have just given me the benefit of the doubt…
A traditional happening and mega-highlight of Steve’s keynote speech is the moment when he whips out the soon to be released device of the hour and gives a live demo of it’s new features. Usually, the demo comes off without a hitch. Until this year. It was the most perfectly awkward technological glitchy moment I’ve ever seen at a WWDC.
It went something like this. In preparing to live demo the new bust-an-eyeball resolution of the new iPhone4 Steve went to open up the same web page on both an iPhone 3G and iPhone 4 so a side by side comparison could be projected up onto the massive stage screen, but instead what he got were two side by side images of web browsers unable to make a connection due to the number of attendees in the audience who were overloading the auditorium WiFi with all their real-time blogging, facebooking and tweeting. The only way Steve was eventually able to get access to the internet and continue the demo was to plead with the audience to turn off their WiFi-run equipment so he could get a solid connection. Essentially he told them to all shut up and shut down.
How often have we experienced something similar in our own lives when all we want is to make a clear connection with God so that we can know, really know, what God is saying to us but it seems we can’t get through. I don’t know what God wants me to do. I keep waiting for God to say something but I’m not hearing God say anything. I feel like I’m not able to connect with God anymore. Others have no problem speaking for God about my life but everyone is saying something different and besides, I don’t want others to tell me what God is saying; *I want to hear God speak.
It seems the biggest hindrance at one time or another for many of us in hearing from God was due to the interference coming from everyone else. How could we ever hope to connect directly with God when everyone else was blogging, facebooking, tweeting, preaching, counseling, advising and blathering on and on about what they knew God was really saying to us. Voices of condemnation. Voices of consolation. Voices calling us to repentance. Voices calling us to acceptance. Voices telling us God disapproved of who we were and what we were doing. Voices telling us God loved us just as we were. So many voices coming from so many directions that even when we heard a faint intimate whisper of God breaking through to our soul we doubted it because of the sheer number and volume of other the voices coming at us. Our connection seemed weaker than everyone else’s because while we questioned and wondered and struggled, they all seemed so certain. So absolute.
Steve pleaded with the crowd to shut things down on their end so he could get a solid connection and sometimes we need to do the same thing but rather than leaving the action to others we take action to limit how much we’ll take in from outside ourselves so we can listen to what’s being said within. That’s what it took for me in reconciling my faith and sexuality. I put aside all the gay-affirming books and all the ex-gay books. I put aside the theological arguments and biblical interpretations. I stopped looking to others to tell me what was right and what path God would have me walk. I gathered all the information. I did the legwork and the research. I studied and observed and explored. Then I put it aside to be alone with God, to hear from God, to be led by God.
Here’s the thing we need to realize. Our connection with God is never broken. God is always in dialogue with us, Spirit speaking to spirit. God is only silent when we need to be in silence with God. Can you trust that? If you sign off from all the others voices, including mine, that might presume in anyway to know what’s true for you in your personal relationship with God can you trust that God will be faithful to speak to you and that you will be faithful to listen and respond to God’s calling?
I know I’ve said this all before but when I was reminded it of again in such a perfect little moment at the WWDC, I couldn’t help but circle the wagons around it one more time. Trust God. Trust yourself. And for the time being and for as long as you need, tell the rest of us to shut down and sign off.
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*I’m going to assume we’re all on the same page that when we talk about God speaking to us we’re not referring to an audible voice but rather an inner knowing, a feeling, a sense, a nudge. We hear God speaking to us within the words of Scripture. We hear God speak to us in an encounter with someone else or in an experience that plays out in an ordinary day. However it is that you hear God speak to you, that’s what I’m talking about.
Posted in Devotionals, News and Events, Techno Nothingness 2 Comments »
June 7, 2010
Never succumb to feelings of loneliness. No matter where you are, God is close by. Remember…feeling distant from God is subjective, not objective; it is just your own feeling, not reality. - Rebbe Nachman of Breslov
Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. - Hebrews 13:5
How is it that God can watch over all His creation spread over trillions and trillions of miles, contained in more than 70 billion galaxies and still be so close to you that God knows every care of your heart? I don’t know. I only know He does.
Posted in Grace Meditations 7 Comments »
June 2, 2010
As promised or threatened earlier, depending on how you look at these things, I’m going to be putting up the occasional re-post while the schedule around our present lives remains in flux and by all accounts unpredictable at each and every given moment. The selection criteria for deciding what posts I’ll recirculate is based simply on this one guideline; that if someone happened on this blog for the first time it would be one of the posts I’d want them most to read.
I’ve chosen the post below because of the persistently wearisome notion that being gay and being Christian are oppositional identities. Not only is setting a person’s sexual orientation and their religious faith at odds with one another as illogical as comparing apples to oranges but to argue for the contradictory nature of being GLBTQ and Christian one would have to dismiss in total the lives of thousands upon thousands of people who as GLBTQ Christians witness to the lived out experience that the bringing together of the two has done nothing less than enrich their life on this earth and deepened their faith in God.
Christian. Lesbian.
It’s not a contradiction. Neither are you.
When I wrote that phrase some time ago and as I write this post today I’m thinking of you who believe there’s no such thing as a “Christian lesbian.” You consider the term to be a contradiction of terms but more than that, you regard it an offense to the Gospel. You believe if someone identifies as a Christian they would seek repentance from homosexuality and would do all they could to change and short of change they would at least commit to not “practicing” homosexuality.
I also have those of you in mind who, even while doubting such a thing as a “Christian lesbian” exists have haltingly admitted to yourself that while you love Christ and are committed to the Christian life, your desire for an intimate and loving relationship is with another woman. Because of this apparent conflict you feel as though there’s a choice you’ll have to eventually make, to either walk away from your faith in God or deny, reject, or attempt to change your attraction to other women.
Whether paragraph one or paragraph two best describes where you stand, I’m writing as someone who knows your position because at one time I was you. For much of my life I believed homosexuality was a sin that led good people astray from a true faith in God. I watched Christian talk shows and gave thanks for the those who shared stories of deliverance from the “homosexual lifestyle.” I didn’t hesitate to share my beliefs with college friends who opened up with me about their own struggles with sexuality because I loved them and didn’t want to see them go down a road that would take them so far from where I believed God desired for them to be.
A few years later (1994) I was the one engaged in an internal conflict like I’d never known before and that I could never have imagined. My faith in Christ meant everything to me and my greatest longing was to live in a way that brought honor to God but suddenly I recognized my lifelong unnamed feelings as being the very thing that would bring the most disappointment to the heart of God. My fear and shame were so great I told no one and spent my evening hours crying out to God in prayers full of promise. I will change. I will do whatever it takes. I will never do anything to disgrace you. I will die before I do. And prayers of pleading. Please forgive me for whatever I did to make this happen. Change me. Help me. Don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. In that moment I looked down the path of my future and saw nothing good.
I really have been there. I really have said and done and felt that but no longer does paragraph one or paragraph two represent who I am or what I believe. I stand in another place about both pieces of my life, as one who is a Christian and a lesbian.
1. I am a Christian.
There was a time in my life when I made the intentional decision to say yes to a relationship with God through Christ by recognizing that it was through Jesus’ life, death and resurrection that God’s saving presence entered into the world. I was a child when I first said yes and even though on my best day I live out my yes imperfectly I choose again and again to say yes each day of my life. Yes, I love God above all else. Yes, I will follow after God’s will. Yes, I will seek to love others as Christ loved. Yes, I will be the grace of God in the world.
I’m not a Christian out of my own righteousness but by the righteousness of God and the completed work of Christ given freely to all. ( John 11:25, John 5:24, John 20:31, Romans 1:16, Ephesians 2:8,9 and Colossians 1:21-23). Salvation hinges on nothing else; not adherence to church tradition or believing in doctrines or creeds. The assurance of my faith is grounded in Christ and Christ alone and to add conditions or requirements onto that reality is to imply that the death and resurrection of Jesus was insufficient, that Jesus was wrong when he said from the cross “It is finished.” While a church might say “Believe as we believe and do as we do and you may join us here” Jesus welcomes all based on nothing other than the love and grace of God.
2. I am a lesbian.
While I remember the very place and time when at the age of five I became a Christian, there was never a single moment when I made a conscious choice to be a lesbian and I always take it with a mix of mild amusement and irritation that some people will argue it was a choice. It’s amazing and yes, exasperating at times, that people who don’t know me or other GLBTQ people personally would be so presumptuous as to assume they know the reality of our lives more than we do.
My Beloved and I have been together for nearly nine years. We were married in a church filled with friends and in the presence of God. There’s nothing about our life together that would look strange or odd were the one I love a man and our relationship heterosexual. I cook breakfast. She makes the bed. We shower, dress and go to work. During the day we call each other to express our love or to remind the other to pick up more milk on the way home. After the dinner dishes are put away, we watch television or play with the kittens or putter around the house until bedtime when we fall asleep beside the other. There’s nothing bizarre about our life. Nothing unusual. While some would even consider our lives boring I treasure each day as an amazing and joyful blessing.
And yet, there’s something very different about being a lesbian in this world. Being lesbian means knowing that in certain parts of the world you can’t hold your partner’s hand in public as straight couples do without risking being ridiculed, physically assaulted, or imprisoned. Being lesbian means picking up the paper every morning or watching the news every night to hear about some new legislation that’s being debated that if passed would negatively impact your life. Being lesbian means listening to false stereotypes being painted about you and the people you love every Sunday morning by television evangelists, all in the name of God. Being lesbian means trying to explain the nonexistence of the homosexual lifestyle and the gay agenda to strangers.
But being lesbian means even more. Being lesbian means celebrating the joy of being a woman. Being lesbian means giving full expression to the depth of the love within you. Being lesbian means living confidently with God’s approval rather than with the approval of others. Being a lesbian means standing in solidarity with others who stand on the outside whether they be the poor, the sick, the elderly, or any among God’s creation deemed not acceptable by the majority. Being lesbian means finding your courage and living boldly. Being lesbian means experiencing another woman’s courage when she takes your hand in a roomful of strangers or shows her wedding ring proudly without embarrassment or thought to what others will think.
I am a Christian. That’s my faith. I am a lesbian. That’s my sexual orientation. I make no apology for being either and if after all is said and done I remain a contradiction to some folks then that’s the way it will be. I can’t prevent someone from rejecting the presence of God in my life, or calling the love between my partner and I perverted, or even denying the sufficiency of salvation through faith by requiring I be heterosexual to receive it. In the same way no one has the power to remove the confidence I have in God, or diminish the quality of love I’ve been graced to share with my Beloved, or say or do anything that will separate me from the love of God I have in Christ Jesus.
I love being a Christian and I love being a lesbian because for me it’s about living a life of wholeness and gratitude for all that God has done through Christ and for all that God is doing in me.
Posted in Encore 6 Comments »
May 28, 2010
As of this afternoon the five copies of “Like Me” offered the other day have been claimed and interestingly enough only one of them will be remaining in the United States with the others being sent to Australia, Germany, and two copies to South Africa. I just love that we are everywhere!
I also want to say how moved I was by the emails from others of you who said you weren’t writing for a copy of the book for yourself but to simply thank me for offering the book to those it might encourage and letting me know you were praying for those women who would be receiving copies.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….you people are all that and then some!
Posted in Contests, Giveaways, and Games 2 Comments »
May 27, 2010
David Hayward over at nakedpastor created yet another awesome cartoon.
I’m not one to throw the word hero around lightly but if a hero is someone who risks their life to save another, then I don’t consider it a stretch to attribute heroic status to those who come out of the closet. Every time someone comes out of the closet it comes with the risk of losing the life (family, friends, community, career, home…) they’ve always known and all too tragically there continue to be places in the world where the price is much higher still, resulting in the loss of their freedom even to their very life.
Like the pilot who uses his skill and calm to land a plane safely so all the passengers are saved or the firefighter who enters a burning building to rescue a child trapped inside, the person who comes out of the closet saves not only the lives of others who find hope and strength to go on for another day by their example, but they save their own life. Coming out is life-saving for the one who comes out and for those who witness their courageous act.
I don’t know who Pat is that David refers to in the cartoon but in my mind everyone who comes out of the closet, especially those deep locked closets held within the walls of the church, are heroes in the truest sense of the word. And like most heroes who’ve ever lived, the hero who comes out of the closet is the first to acknowledge that what they thought they could never do, they were able to do because God gave them the strength and the courage to do it; to open the door and step out.
You are all heroes or future heroes in the making in my book. Don’t sell yourself short and just as importantly, don’t sell short what God can and will do through you.
Now go get your SuperHero cape out of the dryer before it wrinkles.
Posted in Coming Out 4 Comments »
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