Oh come on! How did it get to be Friday already?! Who stole my week from me?!
Oh wait. Now I remember. My mom did.
I’m up in Oregon for a few days visiting my loving and much loved parental unit, and she never fails to greet me at the door without a hug, kiss, and a list of errands. Yesterday I had intended to post but as it turned out the day was devoted to picking up repaired lamps, returning an outfit to the mall, putting fresh sheets on the bed, hauling the garbage to the dumpster, and an emergency trip to See’s Candy because she really, really had to have some candy. More specifically, California Brittle and Peanut Clusters. Call 9-1-1. Call 9-1-1. Seriously, I’m not complaining. I love my mom to pieces and doing anything for her is a pleasure. I’m only using her as an excuse since telling you the dog ate my post wouldn’t be believable. After all, I don’t have a dog.
And now, mindful that today involves the doctors, the beauty salon, dinner with the aunt and who knows what other little time-slurping surprises, I better get hauling on the weekend links.
10 Couples is an amazing media project highlighting the stories of 10 gay/lesbian couples through video. If the video image is too small for you, just go to Youtube and do a search on “10 couples.”
This website is so cool! The only thing is you need to hunt down a pair of 3-D glasses to fully enjoy it. Check your kitchen junk drawer. No 3-D glasses there? Not to worry. Check out the rest of the offerings at the top of the page and call me in 3 days when you’ve finished playing.
Pick your songs. Make a play list. Listen while you blog. Free music. No complaints here from the cheap seats.
For my blogging buddies, here’s a great resource for web colors. And if you’re looking for free images, ta-dah!
Where I should go today. Where I’d really like to go. Where I’ll probably go instead.
I’ve been going back and forth for a couple days about addressing a matter of internal business and only made up my mind to go ahead when Kelli over at A Wonderful Journey slapped up a post on the very same topic. It should be noted that I no more than have an idea for a post when it pops up on the blogs of Kelli, Stephanie, Susan, Bon, and others, which leads me to suspect that they’re all Vulcans disguised as lesbians. Little Spocks in Birkenstocks doing their Vulcan mind meld on unsuspecting earthling me. Okay, let me cut to the chase and I can guarantee you that this is the only time I’m going to address it for reasons that I think will become all too apparent.
I don’t approve comments that are contemptuous or disrespectful in content to this blog. There are countless corners of the internet where condemnation of homosexuality is applauded and snide remarks that mock gay relationships and demean the faith of queer Christians are welcomed. This doesn’t even account for the faith-based organizations that are obsessed with rejecting the reality of our lives in favor of their erroneous stereotypes. We know all too well there’s no shortage of outlets for anti-gay rhetoric (please read the postscript at the conclusion of post) but this isn’t one of those places. Is that censorship? You betcha, and I don’t apologize for it.
There’s a short explanation and a long explanation to why I prohibit anti-gay comments and now that you know me you know I’m going to give you both.
The short explanation is held in the blog title:
Grace Unfolding - SisterFriends Together: An online GLBTQ women’s community dedicated to sharing our lives and faith in a place of grace.
There’s not a single GLBTQ Christian who’s come to this blog that hasn’t already heard it all. We know the six passages used to condemn homosexuality better than those who hurl them. We know the counterpoints, the slogans, and the arguments, and we’ve heard them not merely from an online strangers, but it’s been pummeled into us by churches we loved and served, pastors we trusted and admired, and from family members and friends. It will not happen here. Everyone deserves a safe place, even if it only exists on the internet. A place where queer people can come and know no one will twist their words or question the sincerity of their faith and love for God. Not in my sandbox (with all deference to Kelli) and not on my watch.
That’s the short explanation, and the longer one went here, that was until I posted it and then pulled it off when I realized how much I had said could just as easily go unsaid. So now, here’s the revised and abbreviated version. If you received the original post in email or through your RSS feed I ask that you only comment on what now appears.
I’ve been at this for more than ten years now; this being a queer Christian presence online and because I dare to portray a positive witness to being both queer and Christian I’ve received a number of anti-gay emails over the years and as Caera recently discovered there’s a website or two devoted to exposing my scandalous life and indulging in some rather predictable but always compelling name-calling.
I’ve been called a God-hater, a sodomite minister, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and from Sarah, a young woman in her third year of Bible College, I’m Satan’s number one client. Some time ago there was an open message forum that posted a photo of D and I with the caption, “This goes to prove they all look alike.” I’m not sure what that was suppose to mean but I opted to take it as a compliment. Just call me Pollyanna.
Maybe it seems bizarre that I don’t get all twisted up in a bunch over the name-calling and mean-spirited remarks. Perhaps I’m fortunate to have had the toughening experience of being a chubby adolescent on an elementary school playground, or maybe it’s because I don’t take personal remarks personally when they’re made by people who’ve never met me and therefore don’t know me. That they hate homosexuality seems clear enough but me, if they were to meet me and not know I was gay, I’d charm their shoes off or at least be only minimally annoying. Mostly though it’s because I know who I am in Christ and more than that I know who Christ is, and so I’m not going to get all crazy with the opinion of strangers when all that matters is God and the people in my life who witness my life firsthand.
I’ve come to recognize over the years that there’s nothing I can offer in a response to these folks that will bring forth anything good. I wish it were possible to engage in a mutually respectful conversation so we could bridge the divide allowing us to recognize and celebrate the commonalities we share in our lives and our faith, but at least in my experience and through all my attempts to do so, that’s never been the case, and so it comes down to picking and choosing. I choose to use the hours of my day responding to the emails I receive from GLBTQ people who are reaching out for encouragement and a word of faith rather than ramming my head repeatedly into unrelenting and unproductive rounds of point and counterpoint. I choose to keep the focus of this blog on it’s stated purpose rather than allowing disruptions to slip in and distract us from meaningful conversations of faith and friendship.
My intention here isn’t to jab a certain set of people but to explain to you, my regular and may I just say stunningly gorgeous readers, the reason behind my moderating of the comments, aside from being a control-crazed heavy-handed power-hungry blogging vixen that is.
Now go ahead and submit your comments girls and boys. I dare you!!
I use the term anti-gay sparingly because it’s a loaded term and one that I think ends up getting hung around the necks of some people who don’t deserve it. By anti-gay I’m not lumping together all people, Christian or non-Christian, who believe homosexuality is a sin, immoral or unnatural. I’m referring only to those individuals who seem more fixated on homosexuality than homosexuals; who are pejorative and demeaning of gay people, and who riddle their speech with stereotypes that vilify and trivialize the lives, faith and relationships of GLBTQ people.
I’ve been a weepy crybaby shell of a human being today and if you aren’t in the same shape after reading the news article below then go drink some water because you’ve got a case of severe dehydration.
Need a tissue?
Told you so.
In the event you’re an email subscriber
and the embedded article isn’t visible,
here’s a direct link to the news article.
I’m a podcast dweeb. In the car, on a bike, on my feet, the old iPod is playing tunes or talk.
Below are some of my favorite regulars. If you enjoy other podcasts give them out a shout out!
NPR: Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me!
This call in quiz show has left me laughing out loud while driving my car, riding my bike, working out at the gym or walking down the road. It’s humor is clever, tight and totally hysterical and all the better when Paula Poundstone is one of the guest panelists.
Revolution Church: New York City
This is the church of Jay Bakker, Jim and Tammy Faye’s son. Jay’s not the slickest preacher I’ve ever heard but if you can get past the occasional raw language and rambling side roads, the kid preaches the Gospel message in its simplicity and power. His messages on grace, pa lrticularly his series on Galatians have inspired my own thoughts on grace and I love the kid down to the last tat and piercing. If you want to hear an unpolished disarmingly authentic preacher, you’ll love him too.
Speaking of Faith with Kristen Tippett
Kristen’s series is originally heard on Public Radio but is available here in podcast format. If I had more time I’d listen to more of her shows but instead I tend to pick and choose topics of interest; one of which was presented some time ago entitled Gay Marriage, Broken or Blessed: Two Evangelical Views with guests Richard Mowr and Virgina Ramey Mollenkott. With recent developments in California related to same-sex marriage, they’re also preparing to devote another episode to this topic in the near future so be on watch.
The History of Rome
I love all things Rome which is either a result of it’s prominence in Paul’s writings or because I grew up on Ben-Hur, The Robe, and Spartacus. Whatever the reason this weekly podcast on the rise and fall of the Roman Empire is beyond awesome!
This American Life
Oh come on, tell me you already know about this phenomenal show! Every show with host Ira Glass, follows a theme and the theme is filled out with funny, disturbing, touching, and always fascinating stories. This is the perfect podcast for long drives across country.
Whosoever Godcasts
I’m sure everyone is well acquainted with Whosoever Magazine Online which was a pioneer presence for GLBTQ Christians on the internet. I’ve only listened to a couple episodes and the most recent one with Janie Spahr is a favorite of mine because Janie’s a favorite of mine.
I’ve only listened to the podcast with special guest Ann Phillips who just happens to be a friend of mine. Ann was a leader in the ex-gay movement, heading up the women’s ministry at one of the big name ex-gay ministries in the country. Needless to say, she ain’t there anymore!
Here’s Ann, courtesy of GCN Radio.
No iPod? No sound card in your computer? No problem. Here are a few weekend links for you!
Here’s an online game that will make all the lesbians in the house happy.
If you ever find yourself stand in the aisle of the grocery store trying to remember what you came to the grocery store in the first place to get, here’s some help for you. Or maybe I’m the only one.
If you were a missionary kid or knew of someone who was you might get a chuckle or at least a smirk from this one. (revised)
A Christian decides what to do with her spare time
An excellent recent article by Anna Quindlen on gay marriage in News Week.
We bring the presence of GLBTQ people into the church.
I realize this post is technically 7 of 7 but I already had the 6 part series in my draft folder and making the required corrections would have meant revising the title and permalink on all the previous posts. I’m lazy. This is easier.
Before there was any talk about welcoming congregations, ordaining gays and lesbians, providing non-gender specific restrooms or affirming gay relationships there were GLBTQ folks taking up pew space. We aren’t the first queers in the church but we’re the first, due largely to the work of the less visible members of “the family” who came before us, to live our lives openly and without apology.
We bring the gift of presence and what we’re doing now is creating the history of GLBTQ Christians in the church. We’re engaging in really difficult conversations in the church to make the conversations a little easier for GLBTQ Christians who will come later. We’re coming out from behind the pulpit and coming out in the pew to smooth the road when others come out. We’re a presence in the church so the church can have the opportunity to put justice and mercy into practice. We’re a presence in the church so Christians in the future won’t be forced to choose whether to leave the church or deny their awakening sexual orientation. We’re a visible presence in the church for every queer youth and for every gay and lesbian who thinks a relationship with God is impossible or contradictory to the reality of their lives.
Our presence in the church today will be the bold and courageous history of GLBTQ Christians tomorrow. Talk about a gift that keeps on giving!
We bring the church a unique perspective as insiders now on the margin.
The denomination I spent the first 40 years of my life in was the Foursquare Church. It use to go by the name the International Church of the Foursquare Gospel but apparently they’re going more streamlined these days. That’s Foursquare as in Jesus Christ Savior, Healer, Baptizer, and Soon Coming King. Foursquare as in I was born Foursquare, raised Foursquare and when I die I’ll go to that Foursquare city in the sky. Foursquare forever, turn back never. Okay. I’ll spare you the rest though I have a million of them.
So here are the facts. I went to a Foursquare church. I spent my summer’s at Foursquare camp. I graduated from a Foursquare Bible college, and I was a licensed Foursquare minister who served a Foursquare congregation for nearly 15 years. My family was then as they are now members of that denomination and our family name is known by many within the denomination because of the faithfulness of my grandparents and parents. What all this means is that for the first half of my life I was a member of the Foursquare club. I was an insider; a member of the Foursquare family.
Some of you might have a story similar to mine and only need to replace Foursquare with Assemblies of God, Church of Christ, Calvary Chapel, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Lutheran or Nazarene to make it your own. You grew up in the church, went through its Sunday School program and was active in the youth group. You did the summer church camp thing and the week in Mexico to help build a church thing. You might have ministered in the church as a pastor or a member of the congregation; served on the church board, led the music during worship time, or set up the tables for the after-church potluck. You knew everyone in the church and they knew you. You were part of a church family and they were your friends. And then you came out and left the church because trying to stay would have been too painful for you and too unwelcomed by everyone else. You went from being an insider to an outsider, from included to excluded. We’ve made the dramatic and painful move from being located in the center of church life to a status living on the margin, and this is where the gift comes in.
We who were once in the church and have come out as GLBTQ share “the experience of being both insider and outsider, friend and stranger, member of the family and exile” (Marilyn Frye). What this means is that we’ve stood on both sides and so we bring insights to the church and a voice into the conversation that few others have to offer; but the most significant part of this whole thing is that when we speak we can do so with compassion and understanding. I’m going to say more about this if for no other reason than I always have more to say about….okay….about everything.
When I was an insider in the church, I said “Amen” when the church said “Amen.” I shared the same theological viewpoint and that included understanding homosexuality as sin. As sin I considered it destructive to the person who was caught in it and because I saw them as lost and hurting in their sin I felt only compassion and concern for them. My attitude and actions toward gay people was shaped out of the convictions of my faith as I had been taught and so on the few occasions when I talked with a gay person, my intention was never to reject or hurt them but to bring the truth to them in love. Really.
Today when I talk with Christians who oppose homosexuality I remember all that. I remember what I believed, why I believed it, and how genuine my compassion and true it was when I said, “I’m only telling you this in love.” Yes, there are some in the church who are harshly judgmental and mean-spirited; contemporary Pharisees who appear more motivated by being right than on extending love; Christian leaders and religious institutions that use the debate on homosexuality for their own agenda, for financial gain or to secure political/religious power. Having been insiders we who are Christian understand that these louder voices coming from the church, don’t represent everyone in the church. They don’t even represent all those who oppose homosexuality because they certainly didn’t speak for us when we were insiders. As former insiders know this but many GLBTQ people don’t anymore than many Christians don’t know the reality of queer lives
And this is the gift of standing where we now stand. To both the GLBTQ communities and to the church we can bring the insights and understanding we’ve had in belonging to both and when we participate in the conversation we can speak compassionately in both directions and just as importantly, compassionately listen. Our gift as GLBTQ Christians; as friends who are now strangers and exiles who were once family members is to build a bridge of understanding that will flow from the sanctuary of every church to the meeting room of every GLBTQ Community Center, and from the heart of every Christian to the heart of every queer and back again.
If this post has been of interest you might want to check out these two related earlier posts:
(Both examine the topic of insider/outsider in relation to conservative/liberal Christianity)
We are the face of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer to the church.
I’m passionately crazy about the content of this post so be prepared for a full-fledged rant. Do not attempt to operate heavy equipment immediately after blog consumption.
I went to the local Christian Bookstore on Saturday to pick up a packet of Jesus stickers for Sunday’s children’s craft. I seldom go for any other reason than sticker purchases since I get a little crazy when I’m trapped in a small area surrounded by tins of Sacra-mints, racks of clothing with catching sayings like “In case of the rapture this teeshirt will be empty” and shop clerks who say “bless you” if you so much as glance in their direction. I clearly need to find an online resource for preschool Christian swag.
Anyway, while waiting for the “Christ for Life” tee-shirt clad youth behind the counter to ring up my all too Anglo-Saxon stack of Jesus stickers I went to the magazine rack and flipped through the current edition of Relevant Magazine, drawn over by the very hip cover art emblazoned with “Seven Burning Issues” across the glossy finish. Yes, homosexuality was one of the burning issues and if you’re interested, the article is available here in its entirety.
There’s nothing in the article particularly surprising though for the most part the contributors come from a more compassionate position than what’s normally found in Christian media and to that end I respected and appreciated what most of the contributors had to say although at first glance Cindy Jacobs read like she could have benefited considerably from a nap.
In the article Brian McLaren offers this:
…we can never forget that we’re dealing with more than a theory or issue: We’re dealing with people with breakable hearts—sons and daughters, husbands and wives, friends and neighbors, and colleagues and pastors, too. According to my research—and my experience as a pastor confirms this—it appears that about 7 percent of the population are gay across cultures and denominations and generations. If that’s more or less true, when you add parents and siblings and friends of gay people, you’re very quickly up over 30 percent of the population who are affected directly and indirectly. So the gay person is my neighbor, whatever I think about homosexuality, and so are his or her parents and friends and siblings and children. And the person who sees all gayness as a sin is also my neighbor. In my view, to be a follower of Jesus means to live in that relational tension and not try to solve it by writing off some percentage of people as lepers or Samaritans or Pharisees or enemies.
Brian says it well and on this we agree; homosexuality is more than a hot topic, a burning issue, or a controversy, it’s people. It’s those of us who are gay and it’s our families and friends, so that when our sexual orientation is vilified as the great evil and when GLBTQ people are painted with broad brush strokes dipped in prejudice and ignorance it impacts not only us but the lives of our loved ones. And when the church rejects our relationship with God based solely on our sexual orientation we stand unshaken in Christ (howbeit a tad bit perturbed) but it causes needless pain and instills groundless fear into the lives of our families and friends. If the church wants to know what’s tearing apart our families, what’s causing father and mother to turn against son and daughter, it’s not homosexuality. It’s how the church in its obsession over homosexuality is widening the chasm between Christian families and their gay family members as it continues to rail against homosexuality from a closed impenetrable position while ignoring the very real lives and testimonies of GLBTQ people.
So Brian gets kudos from me for reminding Christians that any conversation on homosexuality affects far more people than they might ever imagine and to that end one of the gifts we bring to the church is in being the face of GLBTQ people in an attempt to remove the impersonal it of homosexuality from the conversation, but not only are we to be the face of homosexuality but we are to offer a particular face the church seldom sees or fails to recognize when it’s right before them. A story shared by Shane Claiborne in the same article highlights what I’m talking about:
If we don’t simply talk about the gay issue but we are living in relationship to people who are working out their sexuality and struggling with it, the question changes. I had all these ideas about homosexuality and civil union and gay when I was in high school, and then I met a kid who was attracted to other men and he told me that he felt God had made a mistake when He made him and that he wanted to kill himself. If that brother can’t find a home in the Church, then I wonder who have we become. So for me, that’s a starting point—we need to attract the people Jesus attracted, and Jesus attracted the broken, the confused, the hurting, the abused, the people who walked away angry at Jesus, the people Jesus called a brood of vipers, the people Jesus ticked off—they were the self-righteous, the arrogant, the pretentious, the teachers of the law. I’m OK with that.
I grew up in conservative Christianity. The church was the center of our family and social life. Church was our world and in that world there were no happy homosexuals. Homosexuals in theory were miserable people, struggling with their sexuality, overwhelmed in self-loathing, and separated from God. They were portrayed as angry and resentful, miserable and guilt-ridden. They abused alcohol and drugs and searched for love in empty relationships too numerous to count. Homosexuals were broken people; damaged goods. The few gay people that dared to show their cards in the church often like the gay man Shane encountered. They were broken, downhearted souls but not because they were gay but because they grew up consuming the same dire stereotypes of homosexuals that everyone was being fed so when they came to the realization of their own sexuality they knew no other option than to fulfill the role that had been handed them. These were the only gay people I knew, just in case anyone wonder whether I was lured into the life, tempted by the glamor.
The fact remains that the gay man, woman or youth who steps forward and exposes their inner turmoil to a conservative pastor or faith community will more often than that be compassionately embraced. These are the gay people the church loves; the ones the church thinks can be fixed through ex-gay ministries, prayers of deliverance and healing, or reparative therapy cloaked as Christian counseling. These hurting, wounded people are held up as the walking breathing manifestation of the churches tragic characterization of gay people and in some sick way their suffering and despair gratifies those who oppose homosexuality because they think their suffering makes them right. I’m not bitter that it’s this way but I am angry, and I believe it’s a righteous anger.
I need to be clear about something. I don’t question that there are well-meaning people in the church who reach out to those struggling with their sexuality and faith motived by nothing but genuine love and concern. They believe homosexuality is sin and they believe what they’ve been told about some one-size-fits-all homosexual lifestyle, and so they want to help. They have no other motive than this and while we stand on opposite ends of the question of homosexuality, I admire them for their willingness to get personally involved and doing what they truly believe God would have them to do. It’s not that slice of the church I’m thinking of when I write about those who use the suffering of a gay person to promote their agenda or reinforce their narrow viewpoint. Okay? Okay. With fingers poised over the keyboard, I continue on…
To the extent that a suffering, conflicted homosexual is the recipient of the churches compassion, a joyful GLBTQ Christian is the recipient of it’s ire. We simply cannot exist if the churches view of homosexuality is right. We must be miserable. We must be living in sin. We must be this and that and the other. And. We. Can. Not. Be. Christians.
Surprise!
Hi there Church! Despite everything that comes our way in this world, there are some of us out here living wonderful lives. We’re happy, fulfilled, and grateful. We help care for our aging parents. We’re there when our siblings need us. We’re great parents to our kids. We aren’t alcoholic or drug addicts. We’re faithful to our spouses. And we love Jesus. We grew up singing the same hymns as you did, read the same Bible, prayed to the same God. Our faith language is spotted with words like salvation, redemption, reconciliation, justification, and grace as is yours. We go to church. We sing in the choir. We teach Sunday School. We serve on the church board. We stand next to you at the table and sometimes we’re even the ones who bake the bread. And as it is with you, our faith is everything to us and seeking God’s will determines everything in our day. Yes, we’re sinners saved by grace but homosexuality is not our sin; it’s only our sexual orientation
So this is it.
As GLBTQ people we’re the face and presence of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered, and queer so the church can be confronted with the flesh and blood component of an issue that’s been depersonalized for far too long. I’ve always been moved by homelessness as a theory but when I had the opportunity to work on the streets of San Francisco for three months with the homeless; listening to their stories, shaking their hands, seeing their tears and hearing their laughter; that changed everything for me. It took homelessness and poverty to an entirely new level and forever I will owe each man and woman I met a world of gratitude for opening my eyes and heart. They were a gift to my life, and this is the same gift we bring to the church. By personalizing homosexuality we give those in the church the opportunity to grow in their humanity and compassion.
But more than that, we’re the face of GLBTQ Christians to the church so that when they talk about homosexuality they know that they’re not talking about people out there beyond the doors of the church but they’re talking about people who love them and who they stand side by side with at the table of Christ. There are GLBTQ Christians who aren’t wrestling with their sexuality and faith. They aren’t in turmoil, wounded or broken. There are GLBTQ Christians who proclaim their faith boldly and live their lives in quiet assurance and peace. There are happy homosexuals. And when the church talks about homosexuality they’re talking about their brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the queer face we bring to them and it’s the face they need as desperately to see as we need to show it to them.
During worship last Sunday we sang a song in closing called “Open the Door.” The chorus are words with hand gestures familiar to anyone who grew up in Sunday School.
“Here is the church, here is the steeple,
Open the door and see all the people.
Everyone welcome, everyone equal
Open the door and see all the people.”
The verses that follow went on to describe all the people that fill the church.
“…We are the women and we are the men,
We are the stranger and we are the friend
We are the walking, we are the lame
We are the different and we are the same
We are the straight and we are the gay,
We are what we do, we are what we say,
We are the single, we are the wed
We are the hungry, we are the bread…”
When the song came to the phrase “we are the gay” the pastor nodded and offered a little silly salute in our direction and a few people in the church smiled in our direction. It was a lighthearted moment, both amusing and sweet. D and I have accepted we’re among the few token lesbian couples in the church though sometimes being a token anything gets a little wearisome. The responsibility of educating and informing others often falls on the token gay, African-American, single mother or physically challenged person in any group and always being the one called on to teach and being watched as a model of your people isn’t what you signed up for especially when you just want to live your life. But I choose to not look at it as being a token, even if it’s only a difference of semantics; rather I see it as a calling and a gift God has given us that we in turn give to the church. In doing so the sense of it being a burden is replaced with holding it as an opportunity to participate in bringing change within the walls of the church by participating in God’s work as God changes one heart at a time.
Oh. One more thing. When I told D what I was writing about today she reminded me of a wonderful line we heard in a documentary on queers in the church that went something like this… “Our best revenge for all that’s been done to gay and lesbians is to live our lives joyfully.”
We Show Forth the Courage to Live Whole Lives Before God and the World.
A human being comes into the world in wholeness with everything a human life can possibly contain all muddled together in one flesh-bound package, and then something happens. Society, religion, loving authority figures, not so loving authority figures and peers show up on the scene and a young life that had known nothing but to be just who she was, do what she felt and say what she thought is instructed, threatened and cajoled into being and doing and thinking something else. Yes, children need help learning how to keep from acting out on all their emotions but somewhere in the process what children seem to pick up is that it’s not just the acting out that’s wrong but the feelings that fueled them. “You shouldn’t be mad at her, she was only trying to help.” “Come on now, there’s nothing to be sad about.” “Stop crying. There’s no reason for that!”
As we get older the major influence in our life shifts from the context of home to school and right away we can see that anyone who’s too different, from how they speak to what they wear runs the risk of being ostracized and so we learn to adapt our interests, our likes and our dislikes, our dress and even our speech and mannerisms to fit in to the crowd. We want to belong even if it means occasionally putting aside who we really are and what we really want to be like everyone else.
Enter that brand of Christianity that’s held together in rules and lived out in churches where people are taught that their feelings and desires are to be denied as corrupt, too tainted by the flesh to be trusted. Language that’s familiar to many who’ve spent any time in such churches includes words like “putting down, denying, and submitting.” I don’t argue that all those have their place within the Christian life but not when those disciplines are being held over people to bring them into conformity with the churches ideology rather than encouraged to assist them in becoming more like Christ; not when those who are denying self are cutting of parts of who they really are and in the process losing their own soul.
Between the messages of childhood, the peer-influenced life of adolescence and the religion-based calls to deny self is it any wonder that people have lost touch with who they really are; not knowing what it is they really feel or what it is they even want at the core of their being? It shows up in so many ways. Not a day goes by that somewhere in this world a therapist is sitting down with a first-time client and after listening to the unfolding of a heart-wrenching story asks “And how did that make you feel?” only to receive a baffled “I don’t know” in reply. Recovery rooms are filled with people who muddied up their lives with too much alcohol or food or sex or material things in an attempt to numb real feelings they didn’t think they should have or to search for something they couldn’t find because they didn’t even know what it was they were looking for. Today someone will take their life because by force or default they’ve been living a life that was never theirs to begin with and they can’t bear the falsehood and emptiness another day longer. People are hurting everywhere, living fragmented lives, as they try to find the pieces that seem to be missing.
This was my own experience that I wrote about earlier in my coming-out story:
As the years passed, I found myself pastoring in full-time ministry in a position that provided me with incredible opportunities among people I deeply loved working along side. I was doing the very thing I had always wanted to do and I loved it. I had developed an amazing circle of friends, a wonderful family, and had a nice home. And yet, even though my life was good, there was something underneath that felt incomplete or missing from my life that I couldn’t name. I felt like there was something I didn’t know and if I were to know what it was then everything else would fall in place.
It was only when I came to acknowledge my sexual orientation that I felt fully complete because in accepting that I was gay I also came to accept a much bigger reality; that my existence as a sexual being wasn’t a product of the flesh but was a gift of a creative, life-giving God. How I use that gift determines whether it will be a bridge or a barrier in my spiritual journey but in and of itself my sexuality is good and embracing it made me whole. That’s the joy I felt the morning when I realized for the very first time in my life that I was a lesbian. It was the missing piece and at last I was whole. Irenaeus said “The glory of God is a human fully alive,” and I shout Amen! To live out the full expression of God in us is to live fully and freely alive.
To live out the fullest expression of God in us is that for which all people hunger. It’s the “hidden wholeness” that Parker Palmer says resides within all of us. As GLBTQ people who have embraced our wholeness, whether by accepting our most true sexual expression or our most true gender identity, we’ve embraced an aspect of our humanity that many in the church have spent a lifetime ignoring, denying or killing. For others in the church, the fragments missing might have nothing to do with their sexuality. It might be that somewhere along the way in their journey through childhood and into adulthood they wrapped a piece of themselves in rags of shame and hid it away, out of sight to themselves and out of sight to God. In our willingness to live whole lives before a holy God we call others out to bring those hidden parts of themselves out into the light of grace as we have already done and are continuing to do each day. Look at your life. Reflect on what it is you most desire and what it is your heart longs to do and know and say. Feel what you most truly feel. Say what you really mean. Be who you really are. Bring every part of who you are before God and out into the world. You can live in wholeness. You can be fully alive.
June 20, 2008 
Posted in Weekend Links 
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