Perhaps It Was For the Best For the Both of Us
August 24, 2008
Dear Advocate for Yes on Proposition 8,
I found the handbill you left on our front door Saturday morning with the handwritten note, “Sorry I missed you.” I’m sorry I missed you too. No really. I am. I would have liked the opportunity to meet you and made a little neighborly chit chat before inviting you into my home to talk more about your commitment to the passing of Proposition 8. [Prop 8 is an initiative on the November California ballot that would overturn the recent ruling of the California Supreme Court that allowed marriage equality to same-sex couples, and would write into the California Constitution that marriage is between "one man and one woman." For more information go here or over here.]
On entering our home you might have noticed the framed copy of a recently dated legal marriage license issued by the State of California on our wall. “Wait. Let me call my spouse downstairs to join us” I would have said as I showed you to the living room couch before heading to the foot of the stairs and calling up “Honey, come downstairs for a minute. We have company.” It would only be a minute or two before the most beautiful woman in all my world would have come down the stairs and graciously extended her hand in your direction as I introduced you to my wife.
I hope when you realized you were in the home of two homoSEXuals, and two legally married ones at that, you wouldn’t have bolted for the door because I genuinely would have appreciated the chance to talk to you about the handbill you’d slipped into my hand when I first opened the door to you. There would be plenty I’d want to say to you but first I’d listen because along the way I’ve come to learn that genuine dialogue always begins with as great a commitment to listening as to being heard. “Tell me why you feel so strongly about not allowing gay and lesbian couples to marry? Could you help me understand why you believe that extending legal marriage to include same-sex couples would harm or threaten your marriage, family, and children?”
As you responded to my questions I would have sat back and listened to you without interruption or argument. I would have listened because I would really want to know why you, not a political party, not an organization, not a religious coalition, but you, that nice-enough looking person sitting on the couch across from me was so strongly opposed to my beloved and I having the same legal recognition you share with your spouse; so opposed that you were willing to give up your Saturday morning to walk door to door and advocate your viewpoint.
And so I would listen and in the process of listening I hope I’d learn something about you and gain additional insight on why people like you feel the way you do about people like me, and when you were done, I would hope you could listen to what I wanted to share with you. There would be no need for you to get defensive because what I wouldn’t do is get all up in your face with what I believe the real threats to marriage and families are; of poverty, illiteracy, addiction, infidelity, spousal abuse and child neglect. I wouldn’t quote statistics of present realities that are threatening our nation’s children today; that the United States has the highest child mortality rates of the 23 richest countries in the world or that nearly 65% of African-American children are being raised without a father. I wouldn’t share my personal frustration with how there are television shows that treat marriage like a game show and potential spouses like contestants. I wouldn’t go off on how a straight couple who meet on a Friday and get married on a vodka-induced whim on Saturday have more rights under the law than a gay couple who’ve faithfully and loving stood at each others side for 55 years.
Oh, I would want to tell you all that and I would want to do it with all the fiery passion you could imagine from anyone whose basic right to equality under the law is in the balance. But rather than returning a volley of facts and stats I would instead excuse myself for a moment and go upstairs, returning with the photo of my mom and dad I keep on my nightstand, the photo taken at their 60th wedding anniversary where Mom is reaching out with one hand to gently brush some unseen crumb of anniversary cake off Daddy’s chin as he looks lovingly at her, smiling with all the radiant delight of a little boy at Disneyland. I would show you this anniversary photo taken only two months before my father unexpectedly died before my mother’s eyes and tell you how much they adored one another and how their love and respect for the other could fill a room with its tenderness. Glowing with pride I’d recount for you how so many people have told me over the years what my parent’s relationship meant to them as an example of what a Christian marriage could be and how the enduring quality of my parents love for one another gave them hope for their own marriages.
“My parents taught me through their lives what marriage could be,” I’d say. “My mom and dad defined marriage for me in their love, fidelity, and devotion to one another. What they taught me about love through loving one another was the greatest gift they ever gave me as their daughter,” and then I’d turn to my beloved and tell you that whatever happens on election day, the woman beside me is now and forever will be my wife, that I love her as my father loved my mother and as she loved him, and that for the rest of my days I will love her, be faithful to her, respect and honor her, and give thanks to God each day for the gift of our love. I would tell you I will settle for nothing less in my marriage than what my parents had in theirs. I would try, however inadequately or ineffectually, to explain how the very nature of love, our love included, yearns for the dignity of being recognized, and I would hope in the words spoken and love expressed it would be enough to change your mind and your heart. I would hope that witnessing our love could overcome your fears, but I doubt in the end it would change anything for your mind would be just as fixed as mine and your convictions just as deeply-rooted.
And so after both of us were spent from passionate speech and troubled listening, I’d offer up the all-too-obvious observation that “It looks like your vote will cancel mine and my vote will cancel yours, so it seems between you and I no one wins and no one loses.” Hopefully polite smiles could have been exchanged and respectful goodbyes said at the door before you left our home to continue on to the house next door to hand out another handbill, to try and gain another vote to invalidate the legal marriage license on our wall.
As I first said, I’m sorry you missed us too. But then again, maybe it’s best we weren’t home when you stopped by because I went a little crazy when I read that piece of crap you had the nerve to leave on the front door of this legally married lesbian couple! Right then I was so furious and outraged that I searched up and down both sides of the street to see if you were still around so I could hand your leaflet back to you with a gruff “The wrong house and the wrong lesbian!” No. I needed 24 hours to rant and rave, stomp and spit, but since then I’ve not only had a night to sleep on it but I’ve been to church where once again I encountered God’s grace at the table and was reminded of the call to bring peace even as we strive for justice.
So if you’re out there reading this, you who left the “Yes on Proposition 8″ handbill on my front door, stop by again sometime soon. I’m home now. Let’s talk.
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Posted in Marriage, Storytelling
August 24th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
This is so powerful! It maybe that the time is coming where all those who value justice, honesty and freedom for all need to make those Sat. morning calls. I am assuming there is not a private phone number on this billet that was left for you. So Short of being able to reply directly to the giver I would encourage you to send this post to your local news paper’s letter to the editor. Well written Anita. God bless you for your candor and honesty, as we all endeavor to build bridges of understanding.
August 24th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
What a lovely post.
According to Frank Schubert, ‘Yes on 8′ campaign manager, the mobilization of LDS (Mormon) volunteers could save his campaign up to $26 million in costs related to micro-targeting persuadable voters.
Micro-Targeting Mormons
So much for campaign finance rules.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Eliz–> Thanks for your kind words and yes, you can be sure I checked for a phone number on the leaflet but none was provided. I agree with you that justice and freedom require commitment and dedication on our part, including some sweat equity even when it falls on Saturday mornings. For myself I’ve done a little but not nearly enough and it’s something these days that I’m constantly being challenged to take to another level.
Chino–> I really appreciate the link to the Daily Kos. I’d yet to discover that site and appreciate the resources, information and outloud thoughts going on there!
August 25th, 2008 at 6:33 am
You effectively expressed the thunder I have for this issue! Preach it sister! And I hope they get a chance to “hear” you!
August 25th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Yeah Anita! You go girl! Reading this post just made me livid that they would do that! I hope if someone comes to my door with their pamphlet I can give them a peice of my mind like you would have.
It makes me SO mad that there are people out there that want to overturn the ruling. I am praying that does not happen. I can’t wait for the day PA allows gay marriage!
August 25th, 2008 at 9:34 am
I don’t know what to say, particularly, just because all I hear in my head is a loud “HEAR, HEAR!” I want EVERYONE to hear you!
August 25th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Well, this post made me cry, and that’s a good thing. No matter where I stand (or don’t) on the issue of marriage, you and your spouse deserve a real hearing from the people who slam you. Because they clearly are not listening now, and they need to.
Anita, you have my prayers and my support, in all kinds of ways. Thank you for your candor, and for your compassion, too. (I can also relate to the anger, but for different reasons.)
August 25th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Great post. I wish the people who pass out such flyers would get to know people like you and your wife, and I wish we all had the opportunity to truly hear and understand each other. I do think equality will come when people get to know us as people and not just as an “agenda” or a cause. (Ha - scare, irony, and distance quotes again!!!) But it’s hard to listen respectfully when emotions run high and when we feel so personally attacked.
I get so frustrated — my job (middle-school teacher in an extremely conservative county) keeps me from being as out as I would like to be. I know that if I’m really going to make a difference in the hearts and minds of people who are homophobic, the best way to do it is for them to really know me for who I am. But I just can’t be out in all aspects of my life. I’ve been coming out slowly and steadily over the last ten years, and Steph and I will be able to have a real (albeit not legal) wedding next summer, with lots of friends and family. But to the general public, I remain closeted, and I don’t see that getting better any time soon. It keeps me from having the kind of conversation you imagine yourself having with the person who left the flyer, and I know I’m not making as much of a difference as I wish I could.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Anita, You are a wise woman indeed. it would be so hard for that person to leave your home and still blindly hate. You may not change their mind, but you would have put a wonderful set of human faces on this issue. A compasionate set of faces, that would at least deserve respect for listening.
I had to admit though that I was thinking as I read that I would have been livid, so I am glad you are human enough
to have your first reaction.
August 26th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Anita- THANK YOU so much for this post! My girlfriend of 8 months and I recently got engaged and want have a commitment ceremony (we live in the great state of Maryland where gay marriage is not legal). My family is fighting this tooth and nail, saying that it is not really an engagement and we should not call it “getting married” because it is not legal. To my fiance, myself, her family, and all of our friends, it is a marriage just like any other. When we say “I do” it is for forever and we do not take it lightly. We often joke about moving to Canada in a few years, but I think that there is some truth to that. We probably will, just to be treated as married people are here in the states. Or maybe by then, Maryland will have legalized it.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
*cries* It is no near becoming a reality in Colorado and I do so want a marriage license to hang on my wall. I remember that some few years ago several of my friends went to another state to get married but upon returning home, they were told that their license wasn’t recognized here. They were crushed but remain together still. It seems like the test of time ought to count for something too.
Well I guess that I will go spam up your forums to put myself in a better mood before bedtime.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Gang–>Wow, look at all these responses to my little tirade! It was quite funny actually because before posting it I was reading it to D and was half way through it when I saw her looking at me with a bit of a disbelieving smirk. I immediately knew what she was thinking since she’d been there when I initially found the handbill and was sputtering and mumbling under my breath. “Don’t worry Hon, I ‘fess up in my first reaction in the last paragraph” I reassured her…minus the swear words of course. Anyway, thank you to everyone, first for reading my blog (and this entry) in the first place, and then for taking the time to comment. It’s really encouraging.
Esther–>You don’t have to come out to make a difference. Just live confidently in the knowledge of God’s love for you, love Steph with all your heart, and continue to create an incredible life with her. For those family and friends who know about the two of you, you’ll only inspire them further through the example of your life to understand and represent well the reality of our lives and loves among their greater circles of relationships. Living our lives well is far more powerful than any words we say to a political stumper who slips us a handbill. But you know all that….
Kellie–> LOL….never question my ability to be very human, and a hot-headed human at that. I know how I want to live and respond….it just takes me a little time and venting to get there. I’m trying to work on cutting down the temper time.
Megan–> I’m so glad you and your beloved have a circle of people who honor your relationship and your upcoming marriage. I agree….”I do” are powerful and glorious words. I know because “I did.” Congratulations!!! And Maryland will legalize it one day too…we won’t be done until it’s all 50 states…. and then, it’s going federal level!
DragonLady–> Sigh…Colorado….well, we know why it will be some time before the Centennial State will join the wedding party instead of focusing on everyone else’s family. Bad pun. I bad. Anyway, I hope spamming the message boards lifted your spirits. That’s what they’re there for
August 27th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Anita, I would second Eliz’s vote for you to send this to your editor. Anon if you want. But you put a very human face on the issue. And you do it so well. I have to admit I got a chuckle out of D looking at you while you were reading your post. You pulled it out in the end. Thanks again for this site and your posts.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Kelly–> I haven’t considered sending this on to a local paper’s “Letters to the Editors” for one reason and one reason only. Nearly all submissions are limited to 250 words…maximum. This is ME we’re talking about….250 words is how I say “Good Morning!”
August 28th, 2008 at 11:02 am
I really hope they follow up and come back!!!!!
And yes a great letter for the newspaper indeed.
August 30th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Write a book already, would you! This piece of lovely made me think one thing over and over quite a bit. The conversation that never really happened now really has. And it makes a difference.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Amen on book writing. And forget the letter to the editor. Why not see if the paper will use it as a guest editorial article?
August 30th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Amy–> You’re a sweetheart. Always have been. And I should know, eh?
Bon–> Thank you Brainiac (and I mean that only in the most respectful and awed sort of way) but the piece is just too rough for me to consider submitting anywhere. Besides, it really was intended for the posse here, among friends.
September 1st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Anita, thanks once again for giving voice to the frustrations we all share concerning this subject. It just seems to me so dishonest of them to pretend we are a threat to anyone because we choose to love someone of the same gender. I am sure if given the opportunity to meet a person handing out one of these handbills I would feel rage while trying to have some sort of meaningful dialogue with them, but I would also be pretty blunt in demanding an answer and wanting to know in just what specific way are me and my partner a threat to them and society. For me that is the burning question where the rubber meets the road and if they cannot offer a single valid point then their hypocrisy exposes their narrow-minded hatred of people who are decent and have harmed no one.