Postscript to Change or Be Celibate!
August 6, 2008
In my last post I offered the main Biblical passages (at least of which I’m aware so enlighten me if you know of others) that address the question of celibacy and nothing in those passages suggested that celibacy was mandated in the Scriptures for any one individual or any particular category of people, but rather, celibacy, like married life, is presented as a calling and gift, and in all cases, it’s an individual choice and not a requirement for righteousness.
I’m not celibate. I know. There’s a shocking non-revelation considering this and this and this and this. I’ve showed my hand and I think it’s important to acknowledge that when weighing anything I have to offer on the issue of chosen celibacy because the celibate life is an abstraction for me. Though I considered it in the initial first days of coming to terms with my sexuality in light of my Christian faith, it was never something I embraced as a calling for my life nor did I ever understand it as something God wanted of me. That’s not to say I haven’t gone through seasons of sexual abstinence. I was a 38 year old virgin and after a few years and two girlfriends later, I intentionally made the choice to be sexually abstinent and so for the next four years I was a single, non-dating and very happy lesbian until the one who quickens my heart and makes my toes go numb came into my life. But there’s a difference between being celibate and choosing a life of celibacy. From exterior life experience they might well look the same but internally there’s a disparate mindset and intention, and though I spent many years living a life of celibacy, I never thought of it as my path and I sure never embraced it as a calling for me. For this reason, my viewpoint on the topic of celibacy is from a place outside of the issue and so I want to include another gay voice that speaks with the experience of someone who has embraced a life of celibacy. It’s important for all of us to hear such stories and know why they’ve chosen this path and how the journey is for them.
To this end I want to encourage you to check out Jay’s blog at Adventures of a Christian Collegian, where Jay has written a series of posts on his Thoughts on Celibacy, In another section of his blog he explains his reason for choosing a life of celibacy:
The reason I have chosen to abstain from homosexual relationships is not because I think it is healthier, or because I think I’ll be happier. It is for one, simple, yet all-encompassing reason. I want to follow my God wherever I feel He is leading me, and I want to glorify Him in all I do. Perhaps there are some gay men and women out there whose goal is heterosexuality, and they use religion as a means to an end. Heterosexuality is not my end, though. If it is in God’s will for my life, then it will be so. If not, though, I know where He wants me. Yes, I doubt. Yes, I question. Yes, it’s hard as all get out sometimes and I don’t know if I can go on. But through all things He is with me, and there is this pull that I can’t shake and a voice I can’t shut out telling me that this is where I belong. Granted, I’m no expert, but I don’t see how anyone can leave the gay lifestyle if they don’t have that in them yet. Because, to me, there is not any other reason to do this.
Jay and I are in different places in some of our conclusions and the choices we’re making with our lives but both of us are living faithfully in the most real way we each know to do and through it all seeking to know, love, and grow into the grace of God more and more each day. Just like you. I really want to encourage you to take some time to look over his blog because I’ve found the contemplative insights of his spiritual journey enriching and challenging to my own. Give the young man a read.
So I’m not celibate but maybe you are. Sexual abstinence could be something you envision for yourself for the foreseeable future or as a permanent state. Maybe you’ve chosen a life of celibacy because it’s your calling and sexual abstinence is a sacrificial gift you genuinely desire to give to God. Maybe you’re still grappling with doubts and uncertainty in reconciling your faith and sexuality and so you’ve chosen to abstain from sexual intimacy until you come to some resolution, one way or another. You might have even arrived at that decision hand in hand with a partner and have agreed to share in this commitment together. Maybe for deeply personal reasons being sexually active brings up feelings of guilt, unease, fear, or sadness. Maybe you just don’t want to be kadoodling right now, or maybe you share the same understandings and commitments as Jay. As long as you’re at peace in the choices you’re making, as long as your path is an honest reflection of who you are in wholeness and what you believe God is calling you to in this present moment, then it’s all good.
Posted in Sexual Ethics
Sweet Hope Cookies
August 6th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I have no doubt that God has given the gift of celibacy to some of his people. And in my mind it doesn’t matter if they are gay, straight, bi, trans, or even crooked. What matters is that it is a calling.
Myself, I have never had that call, but in no way would I argue that someone else hasn’t. It is important to show both sides of this issue, in which you have done a great job. But don’t forget sisterfriend, that you can only speak from your own life. And you have done a wonderful job at that. That in no way means that someone who has the call of celibacy can not read your words and be comforted by them.
I guess it boils down to respecting everyone’s call from God. You do that very well. Your call, my call, and everyone else’s may be different, but, in this place, respected all the same. That Love and respect you give will continue to be a blessing to all who enter here and read your words.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
I only have one thing to say, amen. Thank you for your words. I believe you to be an inspired woman and I have appreciated having the opportunity to read your blog. Your words bring hope, thank you very much.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Much like Jay, I choose to be celibate in college. In fact, I thought that should spend the rest of my life that way for similar reasons. Now that I am a little bit older I have realized this is not a feasible option for me. I want to kadoodle? too much to remain celibate the rest of my life. Who knows, maybe Jay will change his tune on the subject in a few years. On the other hand maybe he won’t, only God knows what he has been called to.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I understand that everyone’s calling is different, however, I think it is sad that Jay’s perceived calling to be celibate seems to still come from a place of seeing homosexuality as a “lifestyle” and as something to “leave” and “overcome” instead of simply a beautiful gift from God. Obviously some folks do feel called to be celibate, yet I think it’s important to note that these people may be of ANY sexual orientation. I can’t help but wonder where the “call” of celibacy of those who simply haven’t come to peace with their God-given sexual orientation comes from. Do “straight” people who feel called to celibacy think that they are leaving the bad heterosexual lifestyle? I am mulling over the idea that a call to celibacy is not a call to hide from one’s self, but to perhaps give one’s sexuality (regardless of orientation) to God. I also wonder if Jay were “straight” would he still feel he has this calling?
I do long for the day when all sexual orientations are realized as God’s unique gifts – simply part of the wonderous diversity of God’s creation.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Anita,
I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughtful posts on this subject. I recall that years ago when you hosted the christianlesbians.com website you unfortunately had to engage in very heated debate from people who didn’t play fair and attacked you, using anything but rational argument, and which often included name-calling.
You make such valid points here I don’t know where to begin to address them specifically.
One thing I’ve always appreciated and respected about you is how you argue in balanced and rational ways that provide food for thought for those who do not share your views. You certainly do your homework and use that grey matter Christ gave you.
Thank you for your voice,
Connie Karraas
Highland, IN
August 7th, 2008 at 11:02 am
This part is such a peaceful mantra… I want to take it on and make it more “me” each and every day: “As long as you’re at peace in the choices you’re making, as long as your path is an honest reflection of who you are in wholeness and what you believe God is calling you to in this present moment, then it’s all good.” I am becoming more peacefully me with each passing day!
At the risk of sounding redundant… Thank you Anita…
August 7th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Kelli–> I so desire that what you said be true of me, so if even a trace of it is evident in my writing it gives me hope. Any shift in that direction, no matter how small is better than where I started since I spent a good part of my life closed to anything other than my side of things. My way or the highway, my truth was the truth, and all that. The greatest teacher for showing me the harm in that kind of mindset was in coming out and then having people deny the most basic truths and realities of my life because it didn’t jib with theirs. Treat others the way you want them to treat you goes along way.
Lisa –> Thanks so much for the encouragement.
Anonymous –> I see I’ve started something here with the word kadoodling. I tend to make up words which probably reveals less about my creativity and more about my limited vocabulary. I agree that kadoodling is a big piece of the human experience that many of us are pretty attached to including in our lives, though I certainly believe it’s possible to have a full and complete life without it. Sex, that is. Even those called to celibacy have the same desires, urges, impulses, whatever, and at times I would imagine they struggle with that but sacrifice to answer a call is a small price…it just has to be your call. Everyone of us is called to something and for that call have made sacrifices, done without, struggled with loss, but in the end, the joy of the call outweighs it all, especially when you know it’s the most right thing to do with your life.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Laura–>I hear you friend. I really do. You made some valuable statements and asked some really good questions. As I said in my post, I don’t believe the call to celibacy has anything to do with living a chaste life by avoiding a particular sexual behavior, but I think it’s also significant to see that while Jay believes as a gay man he’s called to celibacy, he’s also clear to state he’s not saying that every gay or lesbian is called in the way he is. I fundamentally disagree with some of Jay’s conclusions but what stands out to me about this young man is his profound integrity, spiritual maturity, and commitment to taking a path that aligns with what he most deeply believes whether for this time in his life or forever. I can argue with some of his conclusions but not the path he’s on for his life.
Wendy–> Would it be redundant for me to say, “No, thank you” ?
Connie–> Oh shucks my friend. You’re too kind and I’m beyond grateful that folks like you continue to hang around and be a part of our community here together in this odd little cyberworld. As to my grey matter…I like to think of it as more of a smokey ash.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Hi Anita,
As a straight woman (Christian) who has lived a celibate life for many years (have never been married), I really appreciate the way you are talking honestly about such difficult issues. It’s something that – on the whole – just simply isn’t talked about in church circles – and not much elsewhere, I think.
I don’t feel “called” to be celibate for life, but I do definitely feel that Scripture urges abstinence and chastity for the unmarried, those who are widows/widowers, etc. Do I wrestle with my feelings? You betcha!
At the same time, I have spent time in the past with people who truly feel called to lifelong celibacy (all are Roman Catholic religious), and I think those who have lived that life in wholehearted commitment to Christ have a *lot* of wisdom for those of us who haven’t felt that call/made that choice, regardless of sexual orientation.
All the best,
e2tc
August 7th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
e2tc–> Welcome! And thank you for contributing to the comments! I admire you for living with integrity and faithfulness to your beliefs. There are certainly times when our faith might call us to either refrain from certain actions and take other ones that stretch and challenge us, but for whatever wrestling we do to fulfill those commitments, my experience is that the struggle obedience occasionally takes is much than the struggle that comes to us in disobedience, don’t you think? Again, thanks for joining in the conversation.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Anita, I think we all come from that same place. When we are little we are told what to believe and it must be true because mom and dad said it. Then we get a little older and realize that ministers disagree and dad and mom aren’t always right. Then we get to the place where we have our own beliefs and faith.
And in fighting so hard to come to a belief on our own, sometimes we are reluctant to look past it. At least that is true in my case. But I have come to realize that looking at other’s faith and beliefs opens up my own and grounds my own. Ironically, it has been the people who loudly blast me and everything that I believe, that has stregthened my beliefs and faith. Because when I go to God with their charges, I find that he answers me and sustains me.
So I guess that is a long winded way of saying I understand where you are coming from, but know you are so past “my way or the highway” thinking. I know this because I find acceptance and Grace everytime I visit this little oasis you have carved out.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Thanks for your response, and I do understand that an individual’s call is just that: a call to that individual. I’m simply weary of contrived situations and dialog that continue to perpetuate the ignorant and fearful idea that homosexuality is something to be stifled or changed, as though it were a separate “something” instead of the integral part of some humans as we are created by God. I believe sexuality (regardless of orientation) is a gift from God, and if many Christians could stop fearing it and the joy it can bring we would all be so much better off. As long as we live with integrity and remember Jesus’ #1 command to love and treat others as we want to be treated, we can stop shoving God’s gift away, and instead learn to appreciate it.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Anita – you have absolutely no idea how timely – and healing – these posts have been for me. Last week I had my heart shattered when I inadvertently revealed my feelings to my friend, a woman I had grown to love dearly and dreamed of spending my life with. After initially reassuring me that we would remain friends, she’s now for all practical purposes cut off the friendship. Classic, right?
Then later that night I got this email from her:
“…the only godly options (are) of either a marriage to a genuine Christian guy, or a life of celibacy under Christ’s care. That’s all Scripture allows us… Everything else, it’s what Jesus Himself said, that we need to get rid of, even if it’s to the point of cutting off our right hand, etc.”
Just like you said… “Celibacy is your cross my dear sexually-confused friend. Pick it up and follow Christ.” (I also love your take on 1 Timothy 4:1… never quite saw it that way before! =D)
My emotions over the past week and a half have run the gamut from bitterness and anger to despair and overwhelming grief to feeling at least a measure of compassion for her to never wanting to see or have anything to do with her ever again! I’m trying very hard to forgive her ignorance and lack of understanding… maybe I’m just not ready for that yet?
She says she’s backing off from our relationship out of concern for my “spiritual health,” that she doesn’t want to be a “stumbling block” to me or lead me into “any wrong actions.” How self-righteous can you get? Sheesh, I’m starting to wonder if this “friendship” is worth my while after all. Kinda reminds me of those “friends” Job had. (In an interesting side note, the Holy Spirit led me straight to Job 6 during my devotional last night!)
Anyways, thanks for listening to my rantings and ravings. I think I just needed to vent more than anything else. I can’t begin to say how much this ministry has already come to mean to me, and I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart, broken though it may be.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Laura–> Oh girl, I totally get what you’re saying. It can be so wearisome and frustrating but for me, at this point anyway, I just let all the stuff that irks me (kind of the old, “take what you like and leave the rest” kind of thing) and use it all as motivation to speak what *I* know to be true for my life all the more passionately and persistently. I think that in the end, all the issues from homosexuality to just about everything else that divides the church today won’t be the question we need to answer to, but rather, “Where was the love Kids?”, and that will be the hardest question to answer of all. We humans waste so much time….
Kelli –> As we (okay, by we I mean me) say around here, “Amen y Amen y Amen.” Your own wonderful journey is a place of grace as well my dear…and fun too!
August 7th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Stephanie –> Darn it already. That kind of response from someone you deeply cared about must hurt like crazy. I’m really sorry Stephanie, but have to tell you, I admire your courage for taking such a chance, though I can only imagine the response you got was far from what you considered in terms of possible outcomes. So she reacted and reacted with a whole lot of energy and you have to wonder, why such a strong reaction? I’m not about to make guesses because it would merely be an example of ignorance and arrogance to think I know anything in this case. It’s just in my life I’ve generally noticed that when people react off the hook so quickly, there’s usually other stuff playing into all that…namely, it’s not all just about you. For what that’s worth. So Friend, where you saw it as self-righteousness that she’s backing off the relationship so as not to be a “stumbling block” to you, I read it and thought, “Whoa, she must think she’s all that and chocolate cake!” Sigh. I hope you don’t give up on the friendship all together since reconcilation and redemption always loom on the horizon with God, but taking time away from her and letting things just be might be something to consider. No one needs to keep going back for more of that kind of judgment, and I’m glad you found Job’s words meaningful and no doubt reflection of your own spirit at this time. Sending ample doses of the Spirit’s gentle touch and God’s grace your way….here it comes!
August 7th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Thank you so much, Anita! I so appreciate your insight and understanding – means a whole lot right now!
August 7th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Stephanie I am definitely keeping you in my prayers.
The problem with most mainstream churches, I think, is that they tend to forget that God is love. How can love exist without God in there somewhere? I love my lady so much that it hurts physically when we are having our little troubles in communication. I spend most of the time that I am giving her the “Silent Treatment” talking to my Father until I can talk to her again. And she most definitely was a gift from God so I have to believe, no!, I have to know that God ordains it. Where I am weak, she is strong. And where she is weak, I am strong. We are two halves of a whole.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Anita, I think you’re entirely right about the struggle involved in obeying God vs. what’s entailed in disobeying him. (Which can be awfully exhausting, in a soul-sapping way, I think.)
I find the honesty and willingness to engage with hard questions – here on this site – very appealing, and eye-opening for me, in a good way. You’ve all been on a road where you’ve had to deal with myriad hurts – and questions to and of God – and I deeply appreciate the grace and compassion that’s here, in your posts and in the comments. Although I am on a different path re. sexual orientation, so many of the things you discuss here are *so* relevant to other issues we go through – in my cases, one of those things is recovering from the exit kick in the pants that I was given by a church that had, sadly, turned from grace to gracelessness. That was in 2002, and I’m not yet “in” another church, though at this point I’m beginning to feel the need – and desire – to go back. (What I’m sure of: that such a decision can’t come from compulsion, but grace and the love of God.)
August 7th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Anita,
I am not good with words and tend to make them up also. I was borrowing your word, kadoodling, for consistency. I do realize that celibacy is a special calling for certain individuals, and that it doesn’t come with a sudden loss of those urges. However, I view my own desire to have a loving romantic relationship as a sign that life long celibacy isn’t my calling. It has been interesting reading your thoughts on the subject, you seem to be very gifted at writing.
August 9th, 2008 at 6:51 am
First, let me say that I have the utmost respect for the path that College Jay has chosen. I have considered it myself, but the reasoning behind it doesn’t sit well with me.
There is a Bible passage which has always stuck out to me because it seems to address the very issue of not judging a path another person is convicted to take on questionable matters. It’s Romans 14- the whole chapter, but I’ll excerpt verses 5-7:
“One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth everyday alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. He that regardeth the day , regardeth it unto the Lord; and he that regardeth not the day, to the Lord he doth not regard it. He that eateth, eateth to the Lord, for he that giveth God thanks; and he that eateth not, to the Lord he eatheth not, and giveth thanks. For none of us liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself. ”
Now the passage does seem to refer more to food, but this may just be the primary example used because it seems to make reference to other areas of our daily lives as well. It just talks about being careful not to judge nor to put a stumblingblock in your brother’s way. Maybe the observation could be off-base, but I think it could apply.
August 10th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Boy am I glad you explained that you made up the word kadoodling. Gee I thought I was going to have to buy a lesbian dictionary! Thanks for another excellent post.
August 10th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Eliz—> Hmmm….okay, now you’re on to an idea….a Dyke Dictionary. Quick! Get the copyright on that! And you’re welcome!
August 10th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
If you write the Dyke Dictionary I’ll read it!
After all I just finished reading The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets. Which was actually a very interesting read…(I’m not joking either)
September 8th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Thank you for reading that series. It feels like it’s been so long since I wrote it! And more importantly, thank you for the lovely words of encouragement! We may not agree on many things, but I can tell that you saw through that to the heart of this matter, and that is loving God as best we know how.
Even though we have different views of Scripture and have decided to live our lives differently, that is no reason to not respect each other, or to doubt God’s work in each other’s lives. This, I think, is the biggest fault of the “ex-gay” movement. Because of my beliefs and choices, I’ve met many people who identify as “ex-gay,” and they are generally very kind people. Our outward lives end up looking somewhat similar, since many who take on such a path end up celibate anyway (and of course, I see nothing wrong with that). The difference, I think, is that I’m not out to convert anyone or change anyone’s mind, although I’ll gladly share what I have discovered to be right for me, and I’ll invite others to at least consider a similar path and reflect on it honestly (disregarding cultural norms and fears about the struggles involved).
It may be a bit of a controversial view, but I really think that belief in Christ crucified is the number one thing. I think discipline and adherence to Biblical principles are also important, but not as important as the work of the Holy Spirit in our everyday lives. And I am not going to judge that work in others. It’s hard enough to find it in my own life!
Anyway, celibacy may be hard but I still think it’s where I belong, even though I doubt and go back and forth often. I had a boyfriend last year, and even though on paper he was perfect for me and the relationship should have really worked, I felt the pull of my calling more. He sensed it to, and let me go in the most respectful manner I could imagine. So I’m single again, and living in Christ to best of my ability, and writing my musings on my blog (which I hope you stop by some more!). Again, thanks for the kind words. Oh, and can I add you to my blogroll?
P.S. I’d also enjoy reading the Dyke Dictionary. You lesbians are so mysterious.
September 8th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Jay–>I’m honored to have you visit and appreciate you taking the time to offer such a thoughtful comment and as on your blog, to share so honestly and with admirable integrity. I can add absolutely nothing to what you said Jay other than to nod my head emphatically and to say that my commitments echo those of your own…that Christ crucified is the crux of it all, that each of us must love God as best we know and live out our faith authentically to what we understand God is asking of us and where God is leading us in each and every moment of our lives.
And oh yes, we lesbians are a mysterious lot…an outrageous enigma dressed in denim.
Keep blogging Jay!
September 8th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
And oh yes, we lesbians are a mysterious lot…an outrageous enigma dressed in denim.
I resemble that remark