Lesbian Relationships: Preparing for Love

February 26, 2009

We now break away for a public service announcement…

It would seem to go without saying but I’m going to say it anyway. As I move into this three part mini-series on lesbian relationships I’m not going to regurgitate what I’ve read in books or share what I’ve learned from observing the relationships of other lesbian couples.  You can read your own books and conduct clandestine research among your own circle of lesbian friends. Whatever advice I might offer will be limited and shaped by the one and only relationship I share with my more-than-significant other because coming from my own story is the only thing of true substance I have to bring to the topic because what I’ve learned in my own life is the only thing I know for sure. <– It feels important to say that and this –> Our relationship; how we met, grew to love one another and are caring for our relationship together is uniquely our path and has worked for us though I wouldn’t presume to say what worked for us is what you or you or you should do.

And as always, I come into this conversation from a personal starting point not for the end purpose of talking about me (though a delightful topic that is) but with the greater intention and hope that in sharing something about my life at least one or two of you might find some food for thought or hope as you dream of your future relationship and whoever she is who might be so honored as to be loved by you. Finally, know that nothing I share about our relationship is published without it first running by the other half of the equation. I share my story freely but whenever I venture into our story it’s with her nod of approval. This is something I do as more  than a simple act of respect. I do it to keep myself out of hot water.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled blogging…

Preparing For Love

I entered into two relationships before I was ready. Both relationships failed miserably. Both were doomed from the start and neither should have ever happened in the first place. The issues in both those situations were numerous and complicated but the only issue that’s mine to address is I. Was. Not. Ready. I wasn’t ready to get into a relationship or be in a relationship and those experiences are two of those times in my life when the part of me that hates any pain (that would be the larger, whiny part of me) would gladly take a do-over if given the chance while the part of me that values what can be learned through the struggles of life (that would be the smaller, spiritually evolved part of me) did the hard work of learning and growing from my mistakes. The lessons they taught me included these:

Get Ready Spiritually

Reconciliation Before Relationship. It bears repeating and that’s why I’m going to ask you to re-read what I already wrote here and here one more time. Seriously. I’m fanatical about how important it is to go through the gritty work of reconciling your faith and sexuality before giving yourself to the care and feeding of a relationship with another woman. The process of reconciliation comes quickly and completely for a few while for others it unfolds over time and just when you think you’ve arrived at where you want to be, you uncover something else that’s holding you back from the peace that surpasses all understanding. I’m not suggesting that you arrive at some once and for all final destination but at least let your spiritual journey in this be well under way. My concern is that if we’re at a place in our lives where we’re still swept up in doubt over whether God love’s us in all that we are, I wonder what possibility we stand of being secure in the love of another person. I can’t help but believe that the more you’re living within the assurance of God’s love for you and allowing God’s peace to surround you the more ready you’ll be to give yourself freely and openly to the intimacy of the love relationship you desire.

Get spiritually centered. If you want a God centered relationship then begin by being God centered in your singleness. There are so many distractions that compete for center stage in our lives and as women of faith we aren’t immune from the siren songs that play all around us in the world, calling to us to give this or that our first attention. Sometimes our very longing for an intimate relationship pushes everything else aside and when that happens our life is thrown out of balance and our days are ordered by something less than seeking God’s purpose and will for us. We strive for fulfillment in the immediate moment rather than in the long run. We want the love, companionship, and adoration of a life partner so much that we end up giving up what little inner space we have left in our already crowded lives. Instead make space to turn inward and reflect on your relationship with God and your own spiritual life. When we do we’re in a better frame of spirit and heart to make decisions we won’t regret later on down the road. I now channel every Sunday School teacher I have ever had when I say put God first in your life and all the rest will follow.

Get Ready Relationally

Establish affirming friendships before getting into the relationship. In the early days of coming out  all my existing relationships seemed in jeopardy of being lost or dramatically altered. I was desperate to be accepted amid so much rejection and so I jumped at the very first woman who came along and affirmed me as lesbian. In my longing for acceptance I ignored every red flag that flicked me in the face. I denied every warning sign posted that announced it was destined to be a disaster. Had I paused long enough to develop friendships with other gays and lesbians or to surround myself within the loving circle of an affirming faith community I have every reason to believe I would never have entered into the relationship I did. Focus on creating a wide circle of relationships before targeting the bulls-eye. Seek friendships first where you can experience the full love and acceptance of others so that desperation for affirmation won’t be the force that’s driving you. I know there are some of you who live in areas where finding such support locally in a church or community is all but non-existent. If that’s where you are participate in the loving support and affirming friendships of the SisterFriends Community or save up your nickels to attend one of the numerous GLBTQ Christian events that happen around the country every year. Nearly every denominational GLBTQ coalition has an annual gathering where you can connect with other queer friends and allies from your shared faith tradition. In additions there’s the yearly conferences for the Gay Christian Network and Evangelical’s Concerned and if anyone asks where you’re going, tell them you’re going to Disneyland.

Get Ready Emotionally

Start unpacking your emotional baggage. Listen, everyone without exception has some kind of emotional baggage and those bags don’t unpack themselves and denying them they exist doesn’t empty them so invest in your own self-discovery and healing, whatever it takes. If that means therapy, a library of self-help books, or intentional times of solitude for hard and honest self-reflection and prayer then begin it now. Unpack the bags before you jump on board the love train because it only goes to reason that a mature, healthy and stable relationship requires mature, healthy and stable participants so get about the work on your half of the love equation.  Perfect people need not apply. In fact, please don’t. You annoy us.

Get Ready by Knowing

I spent much of my life living into who I thought I was suppose to be as a Christian and shaping my identity around the expectations of others and the roles they assigned me. When I came out and left those expectations, roles and suppose-to-be’s behind I was left not knowing who I really was and what mattered most to me. I picked women without any self-awareness which meant I lacked the basic information I needed to help me see who would be a good fit and companion in life for me. I just wanted a relationship, to feel loved and to love in return but all that wanting isn’t enough to create or sustain anything meaningful. Know yourself. Be aware of the priorities you have for your life. Identify your core values and honor them. Spend time discovering the secret longings of your heart and your greatest intentions for life. The more you know about you the more able you’ll be to recognize if she has the potential to be the one when she strolls by with all her sweet words and her come-hither smile.  The more centered you are on what most matters to you and those places where you are determined not to compromise, the less likely you will be to exchange them for something less simply to have love or a reasonable facsimile as soon as you can get it.

Get Ready by Living

Live the life now you want to live with Wonder Woman later. If you ever find yourself thinking “I plan to do this or go there when I have a partner” then you’re putting a part of your life in a waiting pattern for someone who may or may not ever arrive on the scene. Imagine you will be single the rest of your life. This is it. This is what you’ve got. If that’s the case there’s no need to wait. Engage in life. Be involved. Get out there and meet people. Develop friendships. Volunteer in community service and at your church. Try new things. Go new places. Explore your hobbies. Join that hiking group. Take that cooking class. Don’t put your life on hold. Don’t wait. Not only will you enjoy life all the more (waiting is so boring!) and contribute more in return, but don’t we all know by now that the most attractive and desirable people in the world are those who are living fully into their lives. People are drawn to the girl spinning and twirling around in the middle of the dance floor lost in the music rather than to the one sitting off to the side in a chair waiting to be asked to join in the dance. Getting ready for love is all about living as fully and wholly and freely as you can right now and dancing like there’s no tomorrow. Start dancing!

So tell us O Sage One, what have you learned?

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Posted in Relationships