Reconcilation before Relationship: One More Thing
February 16, 2009
I no sooner hit the Wordpress publish button on my last post than I realized I forgot to include an additional concern in entering into a relationship before reconciling your faith and sexuality that I learned in the trenches.
First, let me go on record as saying that the reconciliation process doesn’t happen overnight anymore than we tackle all our internal homophobia in one fell swoop. It’s called a process because that’s what it is, a process that happens in stages over time. Just when we think we’ve reached the end of it, that we have it all together, we uncover something else we need to look at and spend time working on.
With that said, it didn’t take me long to come to a place of assurance around my sexuality and faith but what I wasn’t aware of at the time was that there remained a place within me that continued to believe I’d have to settle for less in a relationship than I had always wanted now that I identified as a Christian lesbian. This reveals only how little exposure I had yet with the lives and witness of other GLBTQ Christians but also uncovers how deeply entrenched the idea was in my head that being gay was somehow inferior to being straight and therefore less deserving or worthy to enjoy the best of anything including relationships.
For that reason, and because I was so inexperienced in the world of dating and relationships in general, I jumped into one with the first woman I met online who showered me with attention and affirmed my identity as a lesbian. We had some fun conversations online and on the phone. She was nice enough, funny enough, smart enough, but apart from that we shared nothing in common and please understand that when I say nothing, I mean nothing. Going into the details here would fall under the sweeping category of too much information but there’s no question it would have been viewed by anyone as an psychologically abusive relationship. It lasted less than six months and while all but two weeks of it was lived out long distance when I finally was strong enough to end it, it caused a world of hurt that took me several years from which to fully recover.
The point to all this is I found myself in a relationship I never would have entered into or even entertained had I only waited to get more grounded in my identity as a lesbian and as a queer child of God. Don’t minimize the upheaval that comes into your life when you either first come to realize you’re a lesbian or when you finally come to accept that you’re a lesbian after years of denying or trying to flee from it. A central point of your identity is changing and while it’s a glorious thing to finally begin the move into authentic wholeness everything within us is shaken to the core. In time it will settle and you’ll find your way but my concern is that times of such dramatic change aren’t the time to run into a relationship because our own motives can come in question even to ourselves? Is this really the person for me or am I just desperate to not be alone in this crazy time when I’m running the risk of losing so many other relationships? Is this woman and this relationship what I’ve hoped for one day or is serving as a distraction to the hard stuff facing me in coming out?
There are a whole lot of sound reasons for allowing some time to pass between coming out, reconciling your faith and sexuality, and entering into the world of relationships and I hope you’ve hung around this blog long enough to trust that my motive in saying any of this is no other reason than I simply don’t want you to get hurt or find yourself further down the road with a streamer trunk of regrets that you never needed to carry. There is more than enough time in your life for you to move through the journey of reconciliation with God before walking into a love relationship.
Posted in Dating
February 16th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Anita, it’s good to have your thoughts – thank you for sharing this with us. I’m in the process of coming out and life gets in such a mess and feels so lonely. I’m so grateful for your blog – it makes me smile – and today has said something that I guess I really needed to hear – even if I’d rather not have done
February 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Anita,
I wholeheartedly second the “reconciliation before relationship” philosophy. I realized I was gay almost 10 years ago. It took me 7 years or so of processing and praying and journaling and agonizing before I came to the point where I felt like dating anyone was a good idea. By then, I had done a pretty good job of reconciling my faith and sexual orientation – not that I always have it all together or have all the answers now, but I am comfortable with who I am as a Christian and a lesbian.
So a few years ago I ventured into the world of dating. My first girlfriend was a co-worker. She was a nice and caring person. Beyond that we had almost nothing in common… but she was interested in me! That was intoxicating — how could I turn it down? I had so little experience. I dated her for a while but I knew she wasn’t the right one for me, and I had to end it eventually. Then I got involved in an online, long-distance relationship that had more promise, but it only lasted five months. I see both of those relationships not as mistakes (although I made mistakes in them) but as important steps in my personal growth. As a teenager, I didn’t experiment with dating. This was almost a second adolescence for me — a time to explore the sexual side of who I am and figure out what is important to me. These relationships weren’t failures on my part or the part of the other person. They were necessary for me to learn and grow. Neither of them involved moving, major commitments, or children. it was just dating.
Which leads me to now — I am happily engaged to the woman of my dreams. I am finally in a more mature relationship with someone whose core values and committments are the same as mine. Although I know that Steph and I have a lot to learn about each other, about life, and about love, I know that we will be learning it together.
All that is to say – I am glad I did my reconciling before relationship. It worked for me that way. I think it has allowed me to have a more or less “normal” dating life, and I am entering a marriage with few scars and just a little heartache. My partner’s story is different from mine, but she too has managed to deal with who she is before entering a relationship. Because of that, I believe we are free of much of the baggage that many couples have by the time they are our age. Just like any couple, we have plenty of issues that aren’t related to being gay, so I am very glad that dealing with our sexuality isn’t something we are working on now. I just wanted to add my story to yours — reconciliation before relationship was a good guideline for me.
February 16th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
“Don’t minimize the upheaval that comes into your life when you either first come to realize you’re a lesbian or when you finally come to accept that you’re a lesbian after years of denying or trying to flee from it. A central point of your identity is changing and while it’s a glorious thing to finally begin the move into authentic wholeness everything within us is shaken to the core. In time it will settle and you’ll find your way but my concern is that times of such dramatic change aren’t the time to run into a relationship because our own motives can come in question even to ourselves.”
Hi Anita! this blog has cleared up somethings for me – I know that reconciliation is a process (I came out about 1 year ago). I’ll try not to jump into a relationship but at the same time I want to find a loving relationship soon.
Peace.
February 16th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Gill–> I’m so glad you found this blog and the women here who are a part of it no less than I am. Yes, coming out can be a painfully lonely process. The thing is Gill, in the loneliness moments I hope you can be reminded you’re walking a path filled with others all around you. There are some right beside you who are feeling at this moment the very same things you’re feeling and there are others of us just ahead on the road and we’re looking over our shoulder to encourage you on. You feel alone but you are not alone. And God. God is right there in your corner Gill. Keep moving forward…there are rocks and bumps in the road but the view only gets better…
February 16th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Esther–> You said something that’s sooo important and that’s the reality that for many of us who never dated in our younger years, we can be teenagers in our our thirties, forties and fifties when we finally realize our attraction is for other women. I won’t speak for anyone else but the first time I held a woman’s hand I was as giddy as a 14 year old girl and my normally sedate hormones that had been in hibernation all the years before were flared up in full throttle. For that very reason, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with us allowing ourselves the delight and excitement of dating like a teenager but I’m not sure when it’s actually happening we realize that’s what’s going on and so we risk giving our hearts away and making ourselves too vulnerable to those early relationships and that’s why it’s good for us to talk about, hopefully for the benefit of others who follow. Like you however, I don’t think most early relationships are mistakes for either person involved. They’re simply wonderful growing experiences that are for a season in our lives and that prepare us for that one relationship and woman we hope to one day fully commit our lives. We give permission for young people to date and enjoy all the easy delight of being in like or love and so it would be nice if we could with the added maturity of our years guiding us to give ourselves permission to do the same. Ah, preparing to marry the woman of your dreams. How sweet is that?!
February 16th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
jrc–> I hear you on the wanting to find a loving relationship soon. I spent a whole lot of years longing for someone to love and to love me in return and it didn’t come into my life until I was 42. What I can tell you is that it was the best thing I’ve ever waited for and the truth is, looking back, I wasn’t even ready for such a wonderful thing as what I now have a moment sooner than I found it….or she found me.
February 16th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
So, what if you don’t have any baggage about faith and sexuality – how does this “reconciliation” fit in? It never occurred to me that others had an issue with my faith and sexuality until I moved to the U.S. Most of my baggage stems from the many non-apostolic trends and scare tactics of radicalism and fundamentalism in modern Christianity particularly here in the U.S.
Kindly,
Kathrin
February 16th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Anita, thanks for sharing this and your sage advice about moving slowly into the dating/relationship stage. I did that, mostly because I came out to myself in college and as wonderful and freeing and liberating as it was to finally stop struggling with my identity and simply accept that I was a lesbian, I feared getting emotionally tied to another person when I knew I wanted to leave Missouri after I graduated.
I think, for me, the harder thing has been in the past 16-months as I have returned to God after years of thinking I could “do life” without God (well, and then there’s that whole upheaval in the Anglican Communion and churches splitting and knowing I wasn’t welcomed in the Episcopal Church in this diocese for a number of years etc. etc.). I think my “re-awakening” has caused a big upheaval in my friendships within the gay community. I mean, friends do look at me funny when I tell them on a Sunday that I’m on my way to church. So, I continue to walk a fine line of acknowledging the pain that religion or religious communities have caused people, while quietly, calmly trying to present a face of Christ that isn’t condemning and damning people to the outer darkness because they love. It’s tricky, but it’s my truth.
February 16th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Kathrin –> When I referred to baggage I meant from life in general and not from reconciling one’s faith and sexuality. Accepting our sexual orientation in relationship to our faith actually frees many of us from a huge burden of baggage…the weight of being who we aren’t or at least pretending to be, of the weight of living in bondage to legalism, the weight of old ideas of a God who watches us like a prison guard rather than a loving presence. And there’s the baggage from betrayals, broken relationships, and all that messy stuff that can come bundled up in being a human. And yes, certainly coming out from under fundamentalism can be baggage in our lives too. The good news to it all is that grace can free us from it all. “Bring your burdens to me, all you who labor, and I will give you rest.”
February 17th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Ahhh thank you.. so very true!!